How do I deal with this

Sep 16, 2016
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I have been in a bass/drum duo for two years now, its me on bass and vocals, and a drummer. The drummer is a foreigner, and moved to my country 11 years ago.

Our duo is doing great, have managed to get well known locally, and have got the biggest festival in town, got signed by a label and got vinyls and tapes and everything of merch after a gig in Denmark.

Our debut album drops this fall.

All of a sudden the drummer met a girl in his home country, and wants to move there because it will make him happier.

He still want to be in the band and make it work while living on the other side of the of the pond. I just dont see how.

He want us to book shows, and practice one day before, in our respective countries.
Same if we do a studio sesh.
I just dont see the motivation, and the fact that we will loose our weekly practises.

I have equipment worth way to much money, like 10k dollars worth in our rehearshal space. And since we cant do weekley practices anymore, I rather want a new drummer to work out new songs face to face, and do some actual practice.

This obviously hurt his feelings, and we are both frustrated by this now.
Its gotten to the point where he refuses me to continue without him. While Im confused how he can expect me not to continue without him of obvious reasons.
I want to grind it out weekly on my cabs and amps.

I feel its totally fair that he moves back to his country for love, no problem. But I feel its a bit unfair that I can't continue with a new drummer.

He also said moving back to his country with this woman will make him happier.
I would be more happy to still hustle this band around.

We managed to calm down for now about this.

Am I the *******?
 
If this drummer wrote or contributed to the writing of original songs, I could understand not asking you to play those songs, or at least not without some sort of compensation if you make any money from those songs.

Regardless of his contribution or lack of contribution to songwriting, he would be absolutely in the wrong to tell you that you can’t move on with new bandmates. That’s simply ridiculous.

If everyone has calmed down and you still like the idea of working with this drummer occasionally and remotely, you can offer to do that with the understanding that you will be playing with others locally and more often; but he has no business controlling your future at all.
 
What does your contract with the record company say?
There's your starting point. Who owns the band? Who owns the name? Who owns the rights to the music you have already released?

Lacking a personal services contract with your bandmate, you can do what you want.
You may not be able to do what you want and fulfill the contract with the label...
 
You just need to get a new drummer. He is not simply moving to another town an hour or so away. He is moving to another country. I just don't see how you could not just get a new drummer. Seems to me he is being unreasonable.
He says that I told him two years ago that this is like a "for life project" and uses that against me when I talk about a new drummer. That we could drop the band for some years if we wanted to, only now its him that wants to drop it, and I want to gogogo. Maybe I thought it back then, but with our band on a huge upswing I just can't see how it will slowly die out being that far away from eachother.

I can have another drummer thats not the issue, I just dont know why he gets hurt by his own decision to leave. When I suggest a new drummer, he says that he will find another bass player in his country and make him play my parts etc.. I also told him thats fine, that he can do that.

But then he also got hurt.
 
He says that I told him two years ago that this is like a "for life project" and uses that against me when I talk about a new drummer. That we could drop the band for some years if we wanted to, only now its him that wants to drop it, and I want to gogogo. Maybe I thought it back then, but with our band on a huge upswing I just can't see how it will slowly die out being that far away from eachother.

I can have another drummer thats not the issue, I just dont know why he gets hurt by his own decision to leave. When I suggest a new drummer, he says that he will find another bass player in his country and make him play my parts etc.. I also told him thats fine, that he can do that.

But then he also got hurt.

When he gets his feeling hurt, this is the answer

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What does your contract with the record company say?
There's your starting point. Who owns the band? Who owns the name? Who owns the rights to the music you have already released?

Lacking a personal services contract with your bandmate, you can do what you want.
You may not be able to do what you want and fulfill the contract with the label...

The label is a small simple label, one man thing, but he provides high quality vinyls. There was no contract. But he delivered.

As for the music released thats in my name
 
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The label is a small simple label, one man thing, but he provides high quality vinyls. There was no contract. But he delivered.

As for the music released thats in my name

So, has the label invested money in the band (financed the record, built up stock of physical media, promoted the imminent release)?

If so, there's almost certainly an expectation, if not a verbal contract, that the band will play a lot of shows in support of the release.

Get a fill-in drummer to do just that, or at best you risk burning bridges professionally - at worst you leave yourselves open to litigation, and compensation.

At the moment the band has momentum, and that's pretty much out of anyone's control - you can't just decide to turn it off & on, like a tap.

Offer to try the drummers remote collaboration strategy, once this album cycle is winding up - but set firm goals, and deadlines. If he isn't able to make it work, or you can't settle on a productive workflow; it's over.

At the end of the day, unless you have a contract that says otherwise, whoever wrote the lyrics, wrote the songs (and if that same person also came up with the melody, it's a slam dunk).

You have the option of continuing the band with a new drummer, or expanding the band into a three, or four piece for the next album - which might have the added benefit of making him feel better about how things worked out.

One of the toughest lessons to learn in this business, is to not hitch your wagon to others : you either get held back from reaching your full potential (which can foster a lot of resentment), or you become a sideman whose fortune is at someone else's whimsy, and tied to their success.
 
- who wrote the music (melodies and words)?
- who made the deal with the "record company?"
- who makes the arrangements with the agents/promoters/venues where you play (and/or will be playing)?


curious: the drummer doesn't sing, but does he play other instruments? TIA
 
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It seems unfair for him to expect you to put things on hold. I don't know if he has other reasons to come back to Denmark, but it probably won't be to play shows that don't cover his airfare.

The former people pleaser in me says keep the project in your name and use the drummers as hired musicians: You can use him when he's around or if you travel to his country and then have a local stable of players (that's how MANY pro acts do things). Another solution would be two drummer shows if he ever comes back around.

The recovering people pleaser in me says his request in unreasonable and he should understand that.
 
I have been in a bass/drum duo for two years now, its me on bass and vocals, and a drummer. The drummer is a foreigner, and moved to my country 11 years ago.

Our duo is doing great, have managed to get well known locally, and have got the biggest festival in town, got signed by a label and got vinyls and tapes and everything of merch after a gig in Denmark.

Our debut album drops this fall.

All of a sudden the drummer met a girl in his home country, and wants to move there because it will make him happier.

He still want to be in the band and make it work while living on the other side of the of the pond. I just dont see how.

He want us to book shows, and practice one day before, in our respective countries.
Same if we do a studio sesh.
I just dont see the motivation, and the fact that we will loose our weekly practises.

I have equipment worth way to much money, like 10k dollars worth in our rehearshal space. And since we cant do weekley practices anymore, I rather want a new drummer to work out new songs face to face, and do some actual practice.

This obviously hurt his feelings, and we are both frustrated by this now.
Its gotten to the point where he refuses me to continue without him. While Im confused how he can expect me not to continue without him of obvious reasons.
I want to grind it out weekly on my cabs and amps.

I feel its totally fair that he moves back to his country for love, no problem. But I feel its a bit unfair that I can't continue with a new drummer.

He also said moving back to his country with this woman will make him happier.
I would be more happy to still hustle this band around.

We managed to calm down for now about this.

Am I the *******?
NO. Now if he has rights to his intellectual property he may be able to stop you from using it. But to keep you for working with another drummer/musicians he might have trouble making that stick. Choices come with consequences and he needs to realize it.

JMO
 
All of a sudden the drummer met a girl in his home country, and wants to move there because it will make him happier.

That is great for him! Congratulate him and wish him well.

If you don't want to move where he is going, it's unreasonable for him to insist. Continuing as a duo is untenable, so find a new partner.

If possible try to maintain the relationship. Who knows maybe the new relationship will fail and he will eventually return. Make sure he understands you have to move on and cannot hold the position open for him while he follows his dreams. If he gets upset, it's on him. If he get's abusive, cut it off. If he continues with the abuse, immediately end the relationship and do not look back.
 
So... is this all code for boyfriend or girlfriend problems or am I missing something here? If I can take this discussion as a literal explanation about a BANDmate, I can't believe I'm reading this! For god sake, wish him "adios, Amigo," or the Danish equivalent and get a new drummer and don't look back. Really.

Tim