How do I deal with this

Holy crap! A TB thread where the answer actually is "fire the drummer!" šŸ˜

Yeah, if the material is yours, and you got momentum, you need a steady drummer you can count on. Not that the other guy is unreliable, but that distance will make it very difficult. The other potential option if the current drummer is part of the creative drive is to still work with them remotely and hire a local drummer for performing.
 
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The label is a small simple label, one man thing, but he provides high quality vinyls. There was no contract. But he delivered.

As for the music released thats in my name
Then you can do whatever you want.

Unless this guy added some magic dust to the creative effort, he is replaceable. That seems the only reasonable thing to do if you want to keep your momentum going where you are. He'll either come to terms with realty and get over it, or not. That's his problem.
 
He says that I told him two years ago that this is like a "for life project" and uses that against me when I talk about a new drummer.

When you said ā€œfor lifeā€ that didnā€™t include his new girlfriend. The simple truth is that he is currently a member of the band - not his girlfriend.

If his involvement with someone outside the band creates problems for the rest of the band, then your drummer has to find a way to make things work that are mutually acceptable to the rest of the band. Itā€™s his lady and his decision, so it becomes his problem and not the bandā€™s.
 
I have been in a bass/drum duo for two years now, its me on bass and vocals, and a drummer. The drummer is a foreigner, and moved to my country 11 years ago.

Our duo is doing great, have managed to get well known locally, and have got the biggest festival in town, got signed by a label and got vinyls and tapes and everything of merch after a gig in Denmark.

Our debut album drops this fall.

All of a sudden the drummer met a girl in his home country, and wants to move there because it will make him happier.

He still want to be in the band and make it work while living on the other side of the of the pond. I just dont see how.

He want us to book shows, and practice one day before, in our respective countries.
Same if we do a studio sesh.
I just dont see the motivation, and the fact that we will loose our weekly practises.

I have equipment worth way to much money, like 10k dollars worth in our rehearshal space. And since we cant do weekley practices anymore, I rather want a new drummer to work out new songs face to face, and do some actual practice.

This obviously hurt his feelings, and we are both frustrated by this now.
Its gotten to the point where he refuses me to continue without him. While Im confused how he can expect me not to continue without him of obvious reasons.
I want to grind it out weekly on my cabs and amps.

I feel its totally fair that he moves back to his country for love, no problem. But I feel its a bit unfair that I can't continue with a new drummer.

He also said moving back to his country with this woman will make him happier.
I would be more happy to still hustle this band around.

We managed to calm down for now about this.

Am I the *******?
Why can't he ask his girl to move to where his band is?
 
I have been in a bass/drum duo for two years now, its me on bass and vocals, and a drummer. The drummer is a foreigner, and moved to my country 11 years ago.

Our duo is doing great, have managed to get well known locally, and have got the biggest festival in town, got signed by a label and got vinyls and tapes and everything of merch after a gig in Denmark.

Our debut album drops this fall.

All of a sudden the drummer met a girl in his home country, and wants to move there because it will make him happier.

He still want to be in the band and make it work while living on the other side of the of the pond. I just dont see how.

He want us to book shows, and practice one day before, in our respective countries.
Same if we do a studio sesh.
I just dont see the motivation, and the fact that we will loose our weekly practises.

I have equipment worth way to much money, like 10k dollars worth in our rehearshal space. And since we cant do weekley practices anymore, I rather want a new drummer to work out new songs face to face, and do some actual practice.

This obviously hurt his feelings, and we are both frustrated by this now.
Its gotten to the point where he refuses me to continue without him. While Im confused how he can expect me not to continue without him of obvious reasons.
I want to grind it out weekly on my cabs and amps.

I feel its totally fair that he moves back to his country for love, no problem. But I feel its a bit unfair that I can't continue with a new drummer.

He also said moving back to his country with this woman will make him happier.
I would be more happy to still hustle this band around.

We managed to calm down for now about this.

Am I the *******?
Everyone seemed to solve this problem already, could you DM your links? I'm always interested in duos..
 
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Just cover your butt legally and let time take its way through this transition. Try to stay on good terms for creativity sake, and view the whole process as transformative to gain from your current experience(s).

Who knows, he may come to miss you and leave his girlfriend after the fireworks are over. Or, he may marry and settle down. Look UP the road, not behind you, and move ahed with a clear view of what you need to do to remain unhampered by other's decisions, as mentioned already.
 
I have been in a bass/drum duo for two years now, its me on bass and vocals, and a drummer. The drummer is a foreigner, and moved to my country 11 years ago.

Our duo is doing great, have managed to get well known locally, and have got the biggest festival in town, got signed by a label and got vinyls and tapes and everything of merch after a gig in Denmark.

Our debut album drops this fall.

All of a sudden the drummer met a girl in his home country, and wants to move there because it will make him happier.

He still want to be in the band and make it work while living on the other side of the of the pond. I just dont see how.

He want us to book shows, and practice one day before, in our respective countries.
Same if we do a studio sesh.
I just dont see the motivation, and the fact that we will loose our weekly practises.

I have equipment worth way to much money, like 10k dollars worth in our rehearshal space. And since we cant do weekley practices anymore, I rather want a new drummer to work out new songs face to face, and do some actual practice.

This obviously hurt his feelings, and we are both frustrated by this now.
Its gotten to the point where he refuses me to continue without him. While Im confused how he can expect me not to continue without him of obvious reasons.
I want to grind it out weekly on my cabs and amps.

I feel its totally fair that he moves back to his country for love, no problem. But I feel its a bit unfair that I can't continue with a new drummer.

He also said moving back to his country with this woman will make him happier.
I would be more happy to still hustle this band around.

We managed to calm down for now about this.

Am I the *******?
No itā€™s a bummer but Iā€™d let him go. He shouldnā€™t expect you to play with him especially ā€œacross the pondā€ thatā€™s ridiculous!
 
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He says that I told him two years ago that this is like a "for life project" and uses that against me when I talk about a new drummer.
Explain him that his move is a "life-changing-event" to you, and because of that you are moving on.
Get a new drummer or learn to play one of these:

bass drum.jpg
 
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I don't have much to add except -

It's pretty messed up that he's using the "band for life" thing against you when he's the one who's leaving. I'm all for long distance bands, and, if he were being reasonable, I would say continue playing those songs with him when you can. I can even understand if he was requesting you don't play the same songs with others, since y'all wrote them together. But it's not okay for him to try to keep you from playing with others. He's not just being a crummy bandmate; he's being a bad friend.

Also I'm a drummer with not only a job but an honest-to-god career, so suck it haters!