How many bands before you found one you could stay with ?

[Griendrr]

How many attempts/ rock bands did it take before you found one you didn't walk away from ? I'm playing with this band about 2 months and last practice the drummer ( whose has the practice space and put this "secondary" band together) pulls some kind of dramatic dick move on me.

The next day I email him, say I know something was up with you last night, I need to know now if there's anything I did to bring that on.

He replies with an apology, says he's tired and grumpy, it's NOTHING I did or do, will try harder, he's sorry, he can't help it. He said he can't cover up his "grumpiness" at issues having nothing to do with me. This is the first time I've witnessed him act this way towards anyone. But it was me.

OK great intentions and words bud, but you just told me this won't be the last time. It wasn't directed at anyone else just me and was totally uncalled for.

These guys are awesome. We were rocking it, I learned some great songs, our practices sounded great. The drummer said later that night that he'd play out as a favor to me/ (the rest ?), but he didn't care. He has a primary band and said he started this one because one of our guitarists got kicked out of the primary band and he felt bad.

Also said their last bassist quit because his kids started playing soccer. OK.

Saturday I drove the 45 minutes and told him I needed my cab for a buddy that needed it that night.

I'm not planning on showing for the next practice. I'm pissed but experience says just walk now it won't get better. It's not the first time I've gone through this, it's pretty much a 3 year pattern so yeah maybe it's me but I can't for the life of me figure out what, unless it's just me being too nice or pleasant. I've posted stuff like this before. I'm playing fine, I'm showing up on time, I'm practicing and learning the songs. These guys have said multiple times they know it takes time to gel. I'm done. Like I said I'm pissed and sad, but I'm not going to be able to chill and play my best knowing one person thinks it's OK to just go off.

 

[wallawallabob]

I've been in quite a few bands, several at the same time, too. The bands I really like (current primary band: 13 years) don't necessarily last a long while. People move, tastes change.

Bands I don't fit: I can usually decide after the first rehearsal. I won't play in a band that has major personality problems, but I'm OK with it if the music is good enough to make up for them. I have no problem with just saying no. I don't believe in ghosting ANYONE! Just be honest, and tell them.

 

[SoCal80s]

Too many to count. I finally stuck with a band despite a couple weak players, because I liked the song selection and that someone was actively working to get a few gigs. Eventually the weaker players moved on and since we were a gigging band it was easy to find better replacements. If you get gigs they will come.

 

[Oddly]

Started playing in 1982.
As another Irish guy once sang, I still haven't found what I'm looking for.

Honestly, though, I know this is mainly on me.
I don't care enough to really make it happen.

 

[surfguitar]

The band that lasted the longest and was the most fun was one that consisted of players I enjoyed hanging around with. They were like minded, had a similar background and the same realistic goals. The worst bands were 'all stars' (ha!) that someone picked and tried to get us all going in the same direction. Never worked.

 

[Griendrr]

Thanks for the responses guys, it's good to just be heard out by peers sometimes.

I guess making great music together isn't enough for some. I look at a band as something that must gel to be good, at least for me to be my best. I'm not going to be part of something voluntarily where I have to be in a guarded state. It just doesn't work for me.

As far as ghosting, I'm not planning on that. I'm pissed and rightfully so. When I don't show tomorrow they'll figure it out, and yeah I AM making a point. If by chance they don't figure it out, or text/call I'm not going to slam anyone, although I'm certainly not expecting any contact if I don't show or contact them either.

 

[MrLenny1]

I have been in many bands over the years.
Most last 2-3 years before an issue happens.
Personnel issues are always happening.
The best trio I worked in had a horrible BL but I stayed on
because the band was so good night after night.
It's a really poopy business.

 

[buldog5151bass]

I would call them and tell them. The drummer may be an ass, but you wants to preserve relations with the others players, and a no show is not the way to do it.

 

[Eric Swaim]

This video says it all.

 

[smogg]

40 years in and still looking. That 7 year itch is a real *****

edit: the great gig triad;

great music
great money
great hang

It's a unicorn I tell ya

 

[TheReceder]

It always pays to try and leave on good terms. You never know when one of the x bandmates might need you for another gig, or may know someone that's looking.

 

[reverendboom]

Thanks for the responses guys, it's good to just be heard out by peers sometimes.

I guess making great music together isn't enough for some. I look at a band as something that must gel to be good, at least for me to be my best. I'm not going to be part of something voluntarily where I have to be in a guarded state. It just doesn't work for me.

As far as ghosting, I'm not planning on that. I'm pissed and rightfully so. When I don't show tomorrow they'll figure it out, and yeah I AM making a point. If by chance they don't figure it out, or text/call I'm not going to slam anyone, although I'm certainly not expecting any contact if I don't show or contact them either.

I'm not usually this blunt, but that is the very definition of ghosting. If a former band mate did that to me, I would never play with them again. Show some respect and at least give them a heads up. don't burn your bridges.

 

[jnuts1]

i probably auditioned for 50. 49 asked me to stay and the one i wanted didnt want me. then i found a singer songwriter guy and once i got with him other bands asked me to play for them more and more until i had a great group of players in my circle. it took about 2 years once i moved to chicago to get with a good steady group.

 

[40Hz]

It's not the first time I've gone through this, it's pretty much a 3 year pattern

Not unusual.

If a band isn’t well on its way by its third year, it’s probably never going to happen for them from what I’ve seen.

The life expectancy of hope for a happy outcome - despite mounting evidence to the contrary - averages out to around three years for most people.

 

[Griendrr]

Thank you for all the thoughtful advice guys. Deff gave me something to think about, taking the high road. I have up to this point. It'll be easy enough to drop a group email from work tomorrow. Two of the 3 would only go email (no phone numbers), I'd already talked on the phone months before with the drummer only, so email is the way we've communicated for group. That's the way I'll go, no Snyde remarks, just good luck and take care.

 

[FretlessOwl]

It's fascinating to me how band relationships mirror romantic relationships.

 

[Iristone]

Just one (the first didn't last; the second did)

 

[bassicmike]

I had a blues band co-BL/lead guitarist go off on me at a practice for making a benign arrangement suggestion - add an extra 2 times around on the front of What'd I Say for the keys player. He went off. I was dumbfounded and just stared at him. I don't think I said 2 words to him the rest of the rehearsal. Next day, told his friend, the other co- BL singer, I quit. Played the only show we had booked a few nights later, packed my stuff, got my measly $$ and never looked back.

That band lasted all of 6 months.

I do this for my enjoyment and I will not take crap.

Been in the current band for 6+ years now. Not the best players I've played with, but they're really nice, I enjoy their company greatly, and the music is huge fun. Jackpot.

 

[Stock]

How many attempts/ rock bands did it take before you found one you didn't walk away from ? I'm playing with this band about 2 months and last practice the drummer ( whose has the practice space and put this "secondary" band together) pulls some kind of dramatic dick move on me.

The next day I email him, say I know something was up with you last night, I need to know now if there's anything I did to bring that on.

He replies with an apology, says he's tired and grumpy, it's NOTHING I did or do, will try harder, he's sorry, he can't help it. He said he can't cover up his "grumpiness" at issues having nothing to do with me. This is the first time I've witnessed him act this way towards anyone. But it was me.

OK great intentions and words bud, but you just told me this won't be the last time. It wasn't directed at anyone else just me and was totally uncalled for.

These guys are awesome. We were rocking it, I learned some great songs, our practices sounded great. The drummer said later that night that he'd play out as a favor to me/ (the rest ?), but he didn't care. He has a primary band and said he started this one because one of our guitarists got kicked out of the primary band and he felt bad.

Also said their last bassist quit because his kids started playing soccer. OK.

Saturday I drove the 45 minutes and told him I needed my cab for a buddy that needed it that night.

I'm not planning on showing for the next practice. I'm pissed but experience says just walk now it won't get better. It's not the first time I've gone through this, it's pretty much a 3 year pattern so yeah maybe it's me but I can't for the life of me figure out what, unless it's just me being too nice or pleasant. I've posted stuff like this before. I'm playing fine, I'm showing up on time, I'm practicing and learning the songs. These guys have said multiple times they know it takes time to gel. I'm done. Like I said I'm pissed and sad, but I'm not going to be able to chill and play my best knowing one person thinks it's OK to just go off.

I've been pretty lucky. Only 2 bands were clearly not for me although they both were competent and gig-able. The problem is me. I have the goods and can take a band far but in those 2 cases the bands were perfectly happy slogging along and didn't have enough ambition.

 

[drumvsbass]

It's down to chemistry in bands. In any of the bands I've been in that worked, it was always down to being able to stand one another during whatever the process of making music might be. Perfect chemistry isn't peaceful chemistry, but democratic process doesn't have to come to pistols at ten paces.
Commitment would be second. Again, how much are any of the participants willing to endure for the desired outcome of your collaborative vision, as opposed to watching Netflix...
Last, and what really should be first, does the music you make say anything? Does it bring anything to this world? Why are you playing it? Be real.