How many bands before you found one you could stay with ?

[ebo]

I was in a band for 7 years until the disfunctional passive aggressive drummer had to push it too far with the BL and I walked. After that, I auditioned or joined about 10 bands that either never gigged or gigged once or twice before collapsing. If I can see that the group is never going to
launch, I'm out. I practice to gig, not to sit around and drink beer and listen to guitarists listen to themselves. Currently found a band and we've gigged 12-15 times through 2021, twice this year so far with a regular schedule booked out. In one year we've lost a guitarist ( no real loss) lost a drummer, added a keyboardist. Great folks, good gigs, good set list, we hang together before and after gigs. Life is good.

 

[CaribooBass]

I can see your point in being angry with someone who has control issues and expects you except it by saying they are sorry it just happens.

The issues he has forced onto you are his unresolved problems and being a friend to this type of human a an illusion.
Time to say good bye for who is left are the next targets.
If you can contact the rest of the band and maintain good communication with them that is best.
They might of seen/heard of what went on and have all ready gone. They might want you with them.

 

[jdh3000]

About 16...

I had to refigure because a few of were bands I had left but went back to later, so that still counted as one, even though the group changed a bit.

These were usually bands I'd be with a year or two. Seems like there were sone other ventures but I vaguely remember them.

A lot of solo and duo stuff in between, plus freelance subbing.

The last band I was with I was with the longest at 6 years. I'm actually back filling in with them now because their bass player needs some time off.

I guess there's been less drama and more professionalism in this group than most the others.

 

[BazzaBass]

All those famous and successful bands where the members hated each other

 

[Kijuer]

Me, as a drummer: one. Seriously. Apart friends' one-off projects made just for fun/weddings/charity events, I never really bothered looking for a "stable employment", then these guys called me because we had mutual friends that were raving about me (true, but I still consider that an exaggeration of my skills), and that was it. It's been 8 years this year.

My wife, as a bassist: two. She started in a tribute band, then she took the opportunity to join this newly formed band in 2016 with these guys who were aiming at making their own music. To this day, they are about to enter the studio for their third album.

 

[Vektori]

I've basically been in four bands. First one played mostly covers, had few own tunes. Never really clicked with couple of the guys, and later heared that one of them had said "we'd need to find a new bass player"...reason? Because i don't drink alcohol.

With second band, a punk band, i stayed for a year. It was really nice at first, we had like 31 gigs during that perioid and recorded an album. I'm not a big punk fan, but it was okay, also because it was important to us that we actually play well. But then in the end of my stint the drummer begun to be kinda dick, telling me that i'm not "punk" enough etc. Started emailing me list of albums that i HAVE to listen etc. So i quit.

2011-2013 i was in a stoner rock trio. It ended because drummer and guitar player couldn't agree on anything. Both had an opinion about a song and neither would be ready compromise. And outsider opinion (mine) didn't count, i couldn't back up both of them. Also, they didn't like any of the singers we auditioned. Soooo....

With the current band i've been since 2013 and we've had a solid line up for 7 years now. I mostly come along with the guys, except the drummer (what's the problem with drummers??) sometimes annoys the crap out of me. For some reason it seems that my opinions doesn't mean poopie to him or that the things i do are not to be taken seriously. Sometimes i think he's an elitist prick. But somehow i cope with him. No other problems really, except we don't rehearse enough.

Have to point out that me with my mental issues am not the least difficult person in the world, either.

 

[glocke1]

How many attempts/ rock bands did it take before you found one you didn't walk away from ? I'm playing with this band about 2 months and last practice the drummer ( whose has the practice space and put this "secondary" band together) pulls some kind of dramatic dick move on me.

The next day I email him, say I know something was up with you last night, I need to know now if there's anything I did to bring that on.

He replies with an apology, says he's tired and grumpy, it's NOTHING I did or do, will try harder, he's sorry, he can't help it. He said he can't cover up his "grumpiness" at issues having nothing to do with me. This is the first time I've witnessed him act this way towards anyone. But it was me.

OK great intentions and words bud, but you just told me this won't be the last time. It wasn't directed at anyone else just me and was totally uncalled for.

These guys are awesome. We were rocking it, I learned some great songs, our practices sounded great. The drummer said later that night that he'd play out as a favor to me/ (the rest ?), but he didn't care. He has a primary band and said he started this one because one of our guitarists got kicked out of the primary band and he felt bad.

Also said their last bassist quit because his kids started playing soccer. OK.

Saturday I drove the 45 minutes and told him I needed my cab for a buddy that needed it that night.

I'm not planning on showing for the next practice. I'm pissed but experience says just walk now it won't get better. It's not the first time I've gone through this, it's pretty much a 3 year pattern so yeah maybe it's me but I can't for the life of me figure out what, unless it's just me being too nice or pleasant. I've posted stuff like this before. I'm playing fine, I'm showing up on time, I'm practicing and learning the songs. These guys have said multiple times they know it takes time to gel. I'm done. Like I said I'm pissed and sad, but I'm not going to be able to chill and play my best knowing one person thinks it's OK to just go off.

quite a few...

Been playing with the current group of people I am in a band with for roughly 4 years now. Its had its share of dramatic moments, almost all of which were ego related but thats all sorted out now.

The band isn't the tightest, and at times there are some embarrassing moments on stage that result from being over ambitious, not rehearsing and not communicating well with respect to key changes.

The B/L is however organized. Gigs are booked at least a month out, set lists are now sent out two weeks before a gig, and there is an actual sound man that sets up a decent PA system when there is no house PA.

the first things I mentioned are a drag, but it is what it is.

 

[el murdoque]

I've a pristine track record.
All the bands I was in lasted years and I saw it through to the end.
My very first started when I was 14 and lasted till we (were all in the same age) finished school and everybody went their ways. I've had a side project at that time that did equally well. We had to, well not exactly fire one of the singers - it was more that we stopped telling him when we rehearse (because he had a habit of forgetting or not showing up on super short notice) and he stopped coming.
Otherwise it was the same people start to finish.
The same happened in college times, the band lasted until the BL was working on his PhD and suspended himself from music through that time - by the time he was done the members were all over the place (one moved to Switzerland, others only 2 hours away, only two of six members stayed in that city).
It was a lot of project work from there, people got together for a single thing, practiced (or not), did the thing and went their ways again - but once again, I have met maybe a handful people I would rather not play again with, but we split ways on good terms.
The next band I became a member of was disbanded years later because the singer died.
My current band formed in 2015 and is still going.

I'm sure I'm forgetting at least a few, that I've always viewed as a side project of mine, but others might have seen as a real band - you know these things that start, gain a bit of traction, then sleep for a while, then go forward a bit, then sleep for a while and never wake up again.

 

[EddiePlaysBass]

Not unusual.

If a band isn't well on its way by its third year, it's probably never going to happen for them from what I've seen.

The life expectancy of hope for a happy outcome - despite mounting evidence to the contrary - averages out to around three years for most people.

I am kind of hoping this is true for my current band I don't have the heart to pull the plug but it's not like I am still super excited (or even vaguely excited) to get back into rehearsal mode with this bunch. Only outlook we have for a potential gig is in September, and it's 30 minutes ... For a 1 hour one-way drive, it's not worth the effort. Especially since there is no pay involved ...

Last, and what really should be first, does the music you make say anything? Does it bring anything to this world? Why are you playing it? Be real.

Again, very true. My band started out really well, with a mix of less known blues, americana and related style covers. We would stretch out some of those with nice jam moments, allowing us to explore the songs and do something different with it every time. We did two gigs like that and people LOVED it.

So naturally, that had to change, and the singer brought in his original songs. His idea of working on an arrangement is: "here are the chords" after which we run through the changes and he considers it final. No working on parts or arrangements, as long as he can sing his lyrics. So we did one gig like that and guess what? People didn't like it.

Now, in our third year and third style change, we are apparently doing classic rock. I love classic rock, I really do. But it won't work with these guys. Having said that, I have given up trying to suggest anything. I have other worries, and little time for an actual band so this is as good an excuse as any to keep my chops up a bit.

 

[EddiePlaysBass]

To the OP: I had a band like that! But they all ran on me ... Seriously, on the one hand there was the singer and guitarist, who didn't like the drummer and the other guitarist. Everyone liked me, but I was 10 years younger than the next guy and no one took me seriously... Still miss that band, we made some damn good music despite no one really getting along.

For the better part of 7 years, I was also in a rockabilly/punk band, which was hella fun to play. Time wounds all heels so when i look back at it now, I see only the fun side. Gigs weren't super plenty but enough to keep everyone on their toes, people loved what we did and I got to play some mean lead bass lines and do bad backing vocals. And dancing. Man, I danced around a lot. I would never go back - despite some attempts by various ex-members - but it sure beats some of the bands that came later.

 

[fnp5150]

Just to be clear, you have a drummer who admits to having anger issues with no plans to change, and 2 of the other members would not even give you their phone number? Sounds like you should run, not walk, away.

 

[Goatrope]

Just four bands in over forty years. Pretty weird, in retrospect.

I think the best opportunity to deal with bad behavior is immediately as it's happening. I don't want to stew over anything, so an immediate, verbal slap (acknowledgment), spotlighting what just went down, is my way.

If we can't deal with our emotions like adults, then it's not the team for me, and I tell them. No emails, no lengthy explanations, no ghosting.

I've been told by my handler (my wife) I can be too direct, but I don't have time to waste on high school drama.

This is not to say there's zero drama, we fight and flake-out occasionally, like brothers do, but we don't go away mad.

 

[Geogio]

I was in a 22 piece swing band for 10 years, then work took me elsewhere. Great band, good gigs, and there was a spin off jazz quintet (horn based), and a trad jazz quintet, which was a monster.

I just sort of fell into that band... the bassist was getting ready to start up a studio and retire from his job and I fit the bill. Reading was a requirement, and it was just a fun group. We had organized arrangements, and nice practice area where kept all our equipment, we were real busy in the spring, fall, and summer. In winter we just sharpened the saw.
Most of the horn players in that band came out of Collegiate marching bands and they all maintained ironclad embouchures.

 

[RichardW]

One.

I'm still with the first band I ever played in. It's been 13 years now. My concern is I know it won't last forever and I doubt I'll ever find another group of guys who check off both the great hang and great music boxes. We don't do it for money.

 

[mstillman]

If I can see that the group is never going to launch, I'm out.

That "vision" is a super power! I've used it on a few occasions, most recently with a group that thought a 15-minute Floyd medley would go over anywhere.

 

[pjbassist]

It's fascinating to me how band relationships mirror romantic relationships.

A band is like a marriage/relationship between a group people. My favorite movie quote of all time is from That Thing You Do. When the character Del Paxton says..."Ain't no way to keep a band together..." Good luck OP.

 

[Kendescending]

I won't been in a band with people that I wouldn't hang out with outside of the band. It's all about having fun and making music together, which is difficult when there's drama.

 

[lfmn16]

Bands aren't marriages. You only stay as long as it's working for you. I've only been in one band more than three years and that one I was in for seven years. I'm sure some people stay happily in a band for many years, but most of the people I know that have been in bands long term stick around because it's convenient. I'm looking for more in my playing experience. I want to continue to grow as a player and that's hard to do unless the whole band wants to grow, and that's almost never the case.

 

[bassicmike]

That "vision" is a super power! I've used it on a few occasions, most recently with a group that thought a 15-minute Floyd medley would go over anywhere.

I dunno. I was in an original pseudo-prog band for a while and every few gigs we'd bust out a version of Echoes.

 

[dbsfgyd1]

How many attempts/ rock bands did it take before you found one you didn't walk away from ? I'm playing with this band about 2 months and last practice the drummer ( whose has the practice space and put this "secondary" band together) pulls some kind of dramatic dick move on me.

The next day I email him, say I know something was up with you last night, I need to know now if there's anything I did to bring that on.

He replies with an apology, says he's tired and grumpy, it's NOTHING I did or do, will try harder, he's sorry, he can't help it. He said he can't cover up his "grumpiness" at issues having nothing to do with me. This is the first time I've witnessed him act this way towards anyone. But it was me.

OK great intentions and words bud, but you just told me this won't be the last time. It wasn't directed at anyone else just me and was totally uncalled for.

These guys are awesome. We were rocking it, I learned some great songs, our practices sounded great. The drummer said later that night that he'd play out as a favor to me/ (the rest ?), but he didn't care. He has a primary band and said he started this one because one of our guitarists got kicked out of the primary band and he felt bad.

Also said their last bassist quit because his kids started playing soccer. OK.

Saturday I drove the 45 minutes and told him I needed my cab for a buddy that needed it that night.

I'm not planning on showing for the next practice. I'm pissed but experience says just walk now it won't get better. It's not the first time I've gone through this, it's pretty much a 3 year pattern so yeah maybe it's me but I can't for the life of me figure out what, unless it's just me being too nice or pleasant. I've posted stuff like this before. I'm playing fine, I'm showing up on time, I'm practicing and learning the songs. These guys have said multiple times they know it takes time to gel. I'm done. Like I said I'm pissed and sad, but I'm not going to be able to chill and play my best knowing one person thinks it's OK to just go off.

In answer to your question, I guess there were three bands I was in that didn't work out. But I've been a member of my current band since 1971.

As for your current situation, life is too short to put up with that. You are not put on this earth to be a whipping boy, a fact I would share with this drummer, preferably with the rest of the band present as opposed to just going away.

Two reasons, by confrontation you get closure. Secondly, you may want to work with the other musicians in this band on future projects, so you don't want to piss them off wasting their time. More than likely the other members may be somewhat sympathetic.

One last point, bands don't last forever. Don't beat yourself up. Best wishes.