at least she is just your girlfriend. Ditch her! Girlfriends are like cars they come and go. If it was your wife that is a different story.
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Insecure girlfriend at shows...
- Thread starter Spinal Tapper
- Start date
Could be the beginnings of Borderline Personality Disorder. Do a google search.
I agree with the others who said dump her if she doesn't cut it out.
I agree with the others who said dump her if she doesn't cut it out.
Greetings from the south!
I feel your pain dude, just got out of a long one myself and i found gfs and bands don't mix as you've obviously found out
The reason they usually get pissed at you is due to the fact you are centre of attention and other girls/women/hoes/groupies/slags/dykes can see you stroking your instrument, and i think she feels threatend!
I don't profess to know the inner most thoughts of women, (coz lets face it who does?), but just make her feel special and they usually leave you alone and might actually start to support you! I really wish you luck with this one as its a bastard to deal with.
Theres a saying, 'What goes on tour stays on tour!'. Its worked for me!!
Drink beer, play fast, Thrash till death!
I feel your pain dude, just got out of a long one myself and i found gfs and bands don't mix as you've obviously found out
The reason they usually get pissed at you is due to the fact you are centre of attention and other girls/women/hoes/groupies/slags/dykes can see you stroking your instrument, and i think she feels threatend!
I don't profess to know the inner most thoughts of women, (coz lets face it who does?), but just make her feel special and they usually leave you alone and might actually start to support you! I really wish you luck with this one as its a bastard to deal with.
Theres a saying, 'What goes on tour stays on tour!'. Its worked for me!!
Drink beer, play fast, Thrash till death!
Well, I skimmed through a lot of the posts and I'll give my female insight.
I've dated quite a few guys in bands and although I'm not an insecure girl, it kind of DOES suck going to your BF's gig. It really is like pretty much spending the night by yourself. And the only people that want to talk to you are guys, who are really interested in HITTING on you.
I completely understood that my BFs needed to bring in gear, set up, get "psyched up" to play, and then after the show there was merch, fans that they needed to talk to, manage the money from the night and a ton of other things. I know my BFs never MEANT to ignore me, but it just sort of happens. Because (like people have mentioned) it's a job, and that comes first. Hell, you even get paid...sometimes!
I tried selling merch for them once and that sucked worse. I was completely STUCK at the table and couldn't even see my BF play from where I was sitting.
I solved the problem VERY EASILY by bringing a girlfriend along. It gave me someone to hang with and talk to. My girlfriends were perfectly willing to go out where they "knew the band" and we'd have a fun time dancing to the music and drinking beers. When my BF's band came on, we were in the front row yelling and dancing and singing. We'd also go around and get people to come up and dance and in a few venues, we'd go to other rooms and convince them to come up and see the band.
This also relieved my BFs pressure of having to "pay attention" to ME when he should be paying attention to his gig. Usually I'd get my girlfriend to drive me and then my BF would take me home (or not!) That way I didn't have to hang out all bored while the equipment was being set up.
Going to see your SO play is NOT a date. And when things went the other way where my BFs came to see me play I'd always encourage them to bring their guyfriends along. And they did.
Your GF may or may not be insecure--sounds like me, she's just bored because face it, it IS boring waiting around and talking to no one while your BF is working! Encourage her to bring her girlfriend(s). You'll have lots of fans and she'll have lots of fun.
If she doesn't have girlfriends, THEN you're in trouble.
I've dated quite a few guys in bands and although I'm not an insecure girl, it kind of DOES suck going to your BF's gig. It really is like pretty much spending the night by yourself. And the only people that want to talk to you are guys, who are really interested in HITTING on you.
I completely understood that my BFs needed to bring in gear, set up, get "psyched up" to play, and then after the show there was merch, fans that they needed to talk to, manage the money from the night and a ton of other things. I know my BFs never MEANT to ignore me, but it just sort of happens. Because (like people have mentioned) it's a job, and that comes first. Hell, you even get paid...sometimes!
I tried selling merch for them once and that sucked worse. I was completely STUCK at the table and couldn't even see my BF play from where I was sitting.
I solved the problem VERY EASILY by bringing a girlfriend along. It gave me someone to hang with and talk to. My girlfriends were perfectly willing to go out where they "knew the band" and we'd have a fun time dancing to the music and drinking beers. When my BF's band came on, we were in the front row yelling and dancing and singing. We'd also go around and get people to come up and dance and in a few venues, we'd go to other rooms and convince them to come up and see the band.
This also relieved my BFs pressure of having to "pay attention" to ME when he should be paying attention to his gig. Usually I'd get my girlfriend to drive me and then my BF would take me home (or not!) That way I didn't have to hang out all bored while the equipment was being set up.
Going to see your SO play is NOT a date. And when things went the other way where my BFs came to see me play I'd always encourage them to bring their guyfriends along. And they did.
Your GF may or may not be insecure--sounds like me, she's just bored because face it, it IS boring waiting around and talking to no one while your BF is working! Encourage her to bring her girlfriend(s). You'll have lots of fans and she'll have lots of fun.
If she doesn't have girlfriends, THEN you're in trouble.
Well I can't believe anyone would consider going to see their boyfriend's or girlfriend's band alone. That's just a stupid idea.
It has been mentioned to death, but still, consider carefully!
I agree with the parts about insecurity being potentially controlling in other areas of life and how it might not even be about you being in a band. But! I have to roll my eyes at everyone saying, "DUMP HER!" or "She knows exactly what she is doing and is just trying to be possessive." Also, I used to be pretty insecure - never started out that way, and we started out enjoying our own personal space and freedom, but little things he would do and changes that came seemingly unexpectedly would make me question things more, hold on more, and he also began to act differently even when we did spend time together, I would feel insecure because he (not realising it) acted like it was a chore to be with me.
That relationship did not last, but my current has! (We are currently planning a wedding!). How to change things? I agree it has to originate from her, but at the same time, things you do will encourage more reasonable behaviour on her part. Don't just spend time with her every day, but find certain days to involve her with something that has her as excited as you are when you play! Also, does she have a job? I mean, not just any job, but something she has to dedicate herself to and is something she actually enjoys? When you're busy working, you feel fulfilled and don't have time to worry about petty things!
Beyond hobbies, also help her find something she enjoys that also costs some small amount of money (and the dance classes are a good idea - as long as you don't mind her dancing with other men!) because when there's money involved, there's an incentive to keep attending, and it could be fun! Salsa, Argentine tango, swing dance classes all help - these are what I do, and once I started dancing one, I had to continue and learn everything else!
On the other hand, though, let her know that it's business, and not a date. Maybe if you also explained to her all the intricacies of it, she'll understand that while it's your passion, it's also hard work, and so while you'd love to go and be all affectionate, you're really so into everything running right that you're not even THINKING about the people who give you attention! You will appreciate them - afterwards, but during the gig, it's about the music. You're setting up to make sure the sound is right, you're reading the crowd - not INSTEAD OF her - to get their reactions and see the direction you should take things. You're appreciative of people's support of your MUSIC, just like you appreciate that she supports the music (emphasise this!). You're not doing it for personal glory. And your role when you play in your band is a musician. You're not choosing music over her. It's just what you have to do in that role.
At the same time, though, some compromises have to be made. If you spend 5 out of 7 nights with her, then you're the exception. A lot of people have great passions, but even good things can be counter-productive to relationships. Neither one is wrong, just cannot necessarily be done together. It can be an addiction. A lot of people in entertainment have difficulty maintaining relationships when they love each other because of the stress of potential travel, promoting, practising - the band or whatever passion is a totally separate relationship that you have to manage. Great if you can compartmentalise them, but not many people can compartmentalise their great loves in their life. I'm lucky that I got my fiancé just as passionate about dancing as I am, and he's always loved music. I am not a hard-sales kind of girl, but I can get enthusiastic about his business ventures, because the creative and intuitive side of me that understands people and that has done graphic design and marketing is always thinking of new ways I can market his ideas. I want them to grow.
<tangent>
On the other hand, I had heard from a friend about a divorced mother of teenagers and the brief history of her relationship with her current husband. Sweet, gentle, good man with a passion for motorcycle racing. Did she approve of his passion? Yes. She was excited about it. But when she is supportive and goes to races and hears his group of friends talking derisively about women, when she drives miles to the next race, spends a great evening, then sees him climb out of bed quickly in the morning to rush off to his next race without saying "bye," you have to wonder. When she finally realised he scheduled their wedding around race and practice dates, she called it off. It's a passion, but it isn't one that's compatible with the life she thought they'd have. Eventually he realised that he did want to settle down, and jetting around the country for races didn't work with that, and he wanted to get married. But afterwards, his old racing buddies claimed (like many here seem to) that she was trying to be controlling, threatening to "stop the sex" unless he settles down, then it's not okay. It's calling her a whore. Smart, attractive, potentially successful intellectual whore, but a whore nonetheless. On her part, she wanted to say she did not associate with people who would have so little respect for women and would consider the private married life up for discussion, but then she realised it was also part of the package she took on when she said her vows. It's like the in-laws - taking them on for better or for worse.
</tangent>
If your band members are just chanting "dump her!" You may need to not only have a talk with your girl, but them too. Just like you need her to be supportive of your decisions and trust you to make the right ones, whatever they may be, you need them to be that way too. They need to respect and support your decision - if you find that you do, in fact, need to separate from your girlfriend, then they need to understand that it's not for their reasons but your own rational decision. And if you decide the relationship is important enough that you want to stick it out, they need to respect that too, and not treat her as an enemy or annoyance. Those little things rub off. If you stop having the stress of trying to defend your relationship to them, then you may not have to question it so much, and it may make you more pleasant in your attitude as well. Every little thing makes a difference.
I agree with the parts about insecurity being potentially controlling in other areas of life and how it might not even be about you being in a band. But! I have to roll my eyes at everyone saying, "DUMP HER!" or "She knows exactly what she is doing and is just trying to be possessive." Also, I used to be pretty insecure - never started out that way, and we started out enjoying our own personal space and freedom, but little things he would do and changes that came seemingly unexpectedly would make me question things more, hold on more, and he also began to act differently even when we did spend time together, I would feel insecure because he (not realising it) acted like it was a chore to be with me.
That relationship did not last, but my current has! (We are currently planning a wedding!). How to change things? I agree it has to originate from her, but at the same time, things you do will encourage more reasonable behaviour on her part. Don't just spend time with her every day, but find certain days to involve her with something that has her as excited as you are when you play! Also, does she have a job? I mean, not just any job, but something she has to dedicate herself to and is something she actually enjoys? When you're busy working, you feel fulfilled and don't have time to worry about petty things!
Beyond hobbies, also help her find something she enjoys that also costs some small amount of money (and the dance classes are a good idea - as long as you don't mind her dancing with other men!) because when there's money involved, there's an incentive to keep attending, and it could be fun! Salsa, Argentine tango, swing dance classes all help - these are what I do, and once I started dancing one, I had to continue and learn everything else!
On the other hand, though, let her know that it's business, and not a date. Maybe if you also explained to her all the intricacies of it, she'll understand that while it's your passion, it's also hard work, and so while you'd love to go and be all affectionate, you're really so into everything running right that you're not even THINKING about the people who give you attention! You will appreciate them - afterwards, but during the gig, it's about the music. You're setting up to make sure the sound is right, you're reading the crowd - not INSTEAD OF her - to get their reactions and see the direction you should take things. You're appreciative of people's support of your MUSIC, just like you appreciate that she supports the music (emphasise this!). You're not doing it for personal glory. And your role when you play in your band is a musician. You're not choosing music over her. It's just what you have to do in that role.
At the same time, though, some compromises have to be made. If you spend 5 out of 7 nights with her, then you're the exception. A lot of people have great passions, but even good things can be counter-productive to relationships. Neither one is wrong, just cannot necessarily be done together. It can be an addiction. A lot of people in entertainment have difficulty maintaining relationships when they love each other because of the stress of potential travel, promoting, practising - the band or whatever passion is a totally separate relationship that you have to manage. Great if you can compartmentalise them, but not many people can compartmentalise their great loves in their life. I'm lucky that I got my fiancé just as passionate about dancing as I am, and he's always loved music. I am not a hard-sales kind of girl, but I can get enthusiastic about his business ventures, because the creative and intuitive side of me that understands people and that has done graphic design and marketing is always thinking of new ways I can market his ideas. I want them to grow.
<tangent>
On the other hand, I had heard from a friend about a divorced mother of teenagers and the brief history of her relationship with her current husband. Sweet, gentle, good man with a passion for motorcycle racing. Did she approve of his passion? Yes. She was excited about it. But when she is supportive and goes to races and hears his group of friends talking derisively about women, when she drives miles to the next race, spends a great evening, then sees him climb out of bed quickly in the morning to rush off to his next race without saying "bye," you have to wonder. When she finally realised he scheduled their wedding around race and practice dates, she called it off. It's a passion, but it isn't one that's compatible with the life she thought they'd have. Eventually he realised that he did want to settle down, and jetting around the country for races didn't work with that, and he wanted to get married. But afterwards, his old racing buddies claimed (like many here seem to) that she was trying to be controlling, threatening to "stop the sex" unless he settles down, then it's not okay. It's calling her a whore. Smart, attractive, potentially successful intellectual whore, but a whore nonetheless. On her part, she wanted to say she did not associate with people who would have so little respect for women and would consider the private married life up for discussion, but then she realised it was also part of the package she took on when she said her vows. It's like the in-laws - taking them on for better or for worse.
</tangent>
If your band members are just chanting "dump her!" You may need to not only have a talk with your girl, but them too. Just like you need her to be supportive of your decisions and trust you to make the right ones, whatever they may be, you need them to be that way too. They need to respect and support your decision - if you find that you do, in fact, need to separate from your girlfriend, then they need to understand that it's not for their reasons but your own rational decision. And if you decide the relationship is important enough that you want to stick it out, they need to respect that too, and not treat her as an enemy or annoyance. Those little things rub off. If you stop having the stress of trying to defend your relationship to them, then you may not have to question it so much, and it may make you more pleasant in your attitude as well. Every little thing makes a difference.
lol.
what a load of crap.
Insecure/controlling people almost ALWAYS blame everyone else around them for why they are the way they are -- sort of the way you just did.
And no, you can't cure them. They are that way by nature.
To the OP, it's your life. But trust me, there are better, more normal women out there who would be more supportive of your passion.
If it were me, I'd drop her like a bag of dirt.
what a load of crap.
Insecure/controlling people almost ALWAYS blame everyone else around them for why they are the way they are -- sort of the way you just did.
And no, you can't cure them. They are that way by nature.
To the OP, it's your life. But trust me, there are better, more normal women out there who would be more supportive of your passion.
If it were me, I'd drop her like a bag of dirt.
Well, I skimmed through a lot of the posts and I'll give my female insight.
I've dated quite a few guys in bands and although I'm not an insecure girl, it kind of DOES suck going to your BF's gig. It really is like pretty much spending the night by yourself. And the only people that want to talk to you are guys, who are really interested in HITTING on you.
I completely understood that my BFs needed to bring in gear, set up, get "psyched up" to play, and then after the show there was merch, fans that they needed to talk to, manage the money from the night and a ton of other things. I know my BFs never MEANT to ignore me, but it just sort of happens. Because (like people have mentioned) it's a job, and that comes first. Hell, you even get paid...sometimes!
I tried selling merch for them once and that sucked worse. I was completely STUCK at the table and couldn't even see my BF play from where I was sitting.
I solved the problem VERY EASILY by bringing a girlfriend along. It gave me someone to hang with and talk to. My girlfriends were perfectly willing to go out where they "knew the band" and we'd have a fun time dancing to the music and drinking beers. When my BF's band came on, we were in the front row yelling and dancing and singing. We'd also go around and get people to come up and dance and in a few venues, we'd go to other rooms and convince them to come up and see the band.
This also relieved my BFs pressure of having to "pay attention" to ME when he should be paying attention to his gig. Usually I'd get my girlfriend to drive me and then my BF would take me home (or not!) That way I didn't have to hang out all bored while the equipment was being set up.
Going to see your SO play is NOT a date. And when things went the other way where my BFs came to see me play I'd always encourage them to bring their guyfriends along. And they did.
Your GF may or may not be insecure--sounds like me, she's just bored because face it, it IS boring waiting around and talking to no one while your BF is working! Encourage her to bring her girlfriend(s). You'll have lots of fans and she'll have lots of fun.
If she doesn't have girlfriends, THEN you're in trouble.
maybe you girls should just stop being so sensative and thinking the world keeps turning for you and actually take interest in what the guy you "love" is doing. my ex, who i hardly have any respect for now, at least TRIED to understand what I was doing just recently with music, altho it was completely out of the reach of her mind to understand.
So I guess Jeff Gordon would have to skip the Daytona 500 if his wife wanted to have the wedding on the same weekend.
Exactly what kind of a life did she think they would have? That he would quit racing after the marriage? There are thousands upon thousands of professional and amateur sportsmen who are married and have wives who do not expect their husband to drop everything for them. The bottom line here is this girl did not support his passion, period.
Maybe he should have understood that picking up the hobby AFTER they were in a serious relationship was not compatible with eventual marriage to a mother of three if he thought the marriage would just be a side-note to his hobby. Then "offering" to plan the marriage and then deciding to rush it a year and a half in advance just because he wanted to schedule it around race and practice dates, especially when it was a hobby and not his profession, was not being supportive of her life and priorities either. He was a computer programmer. It only works when you meet in the same arena. Next thing it'll be, "You're not supportive of my passion because I want to race, and you want me to be there on our kid's graduation."So I guess Jeff Gordon would have to skip the Daytona 500 if his wife wanted to have the wedding on the same weekend.
Exactly what kind of a life did she think they would have? That he would quit racing after the marriage? There are thousands upon thousands of professional and amateur sportsmen who are married and have wives who do not expect their husband to drop everything for them. The bottom line here is this girl did not support his passion, period.
I'd shoot my fiancé if he decided to reschedule our wedding several times because his friends decided a practice date got rescheduled. Whatever plans got made first take priority. If it was important enough, it have been marked in the calendar and double circled too. Oh, RIGHT, I'm supposed to be getting married this day! It's off-limits. I do this with everything in my life, so that nobody wonders who's "most important." If a friend agreed to hang out with me on one day, I hang out with him. If another, closer, friend asks to hang out, I'll apologise and say I already have plans, and I'll offer a different date. If the friend's only in town for a day, I'll ask to see if I can hang out with both at once.
I guess I'm lucky I sang with a band that supported and respected each of our priorities. If they changed plans, and they knew I had important plans ahead of time, they wouldn't whine and bitch about it. They'd have a back-up, or we'll reschedule a practice date where we could all be there.
This is getting too far away from the OPs original question. If he's spending 5 out of 7 nights with the girl, then he's going above and beyond, and she needs a real hobby. But again, if you want real advice, you shouldn't be on these forums. Everybody likes to say, "Accept me for who I am! Accept my passions, accept this and that." At some point you realise that if you WANT another person in your life, you've got to accept them too, and you'll both have to compromise. Everybody talks about the significant other of the band member being needy and needing to understand that the world "doesn't revolve around them." Maybe you should take a look at those words. The world does not revolve around you. It does not revolve around your band, though you might like it to. You don't pick up another person and expect to be able to inject them into your lifestyle and for everything to fall into place.
I like Disenchant's idea of the OP's gf bringing her friends along. It *is* boring, when you don't have some buddies of your own to hang out with.
If that doesn't work, or if she's resistant to the idea, then she needs to say what's eating her. If she can't do *that*, then...yeah, she's too insecure to be a good partner for a musician.
I sent my husband off to a gig four hours away this evening. Do I feel a bit insecure? Well...yeah! I always do. But I never...NEVER!!!...let him know it. I know this feeling will pass, and I know that the more insecure I behave, the more I push him away. And the more attractive women on the road begin to look.
Noooooooo, thank you. I want to stay married. And, when *I* go on a road gig, I want my husband to not give *me* any grief, either!
Sure, I like my husband to give me some attention at gigs. But I don't expect to have every bit of it, nor does he expect to have all of mine, either.
If she can't understand that a gig's not a date, that he can't pay attention to her every second, and she can't be happy bringing her buddies, then she ain't gonna work out.
As to the whole "schedule wedding around races" thing...
Well...yeah! If we'd been actively playing when we got married, we'd have scheduled it around gigs, too! We schedule our anniversary celebration around gigs. If we're both playing, we celebrate on a different night. NBD.
Cherie
If that doesn't work, or if she's resistant to the idea, then she needs to say what's eating her. If she can't do *that*, then...yeah, she's too insecure to be a good partner for a musician.
I sent my husband off to a gig four hours away this evening. Do I feel a bit insecure? Well...yeah! I always do. But I never...NEVER!!!...let him know it. I know this feeling will pass, and I know that the more insecure I behave, the more I push him away. And the more attractive women on the road begin to look.
Noooooooo, thank you. I want to stay married. And, when *I* go on a road gig, I want my husband to not give *me* any grief, either!
Sure, I like my husband to give me some attention at gigs. But I don't expect to have every bit of it, nor does he expect to have all of mine, either.
If she can't understand that a gig's not a date, that he can't pay attention to her every second, and she can't be happy bringing her buddies, then she ain't gonna work out.
As to the whole "schedule wedding around races" thing...
Well...yeah! If we'd been actively playing when we got married, we'd have scheduled it around gigs, too! We schedule our anniversary celebration around gigs. If we're both playing, we celebrate on a different night. NBD.
Cherie
