• TalkBass has been independent since 1998. Add your voice.
    Create a free account to reply to discussions, view embedded media, and browse with fewer display ads.
    Join free Log in
    Want zero display ads or expanded classifieds tools? Compare plans.

Insecure girlfriend at shows...

#201
I think insecurity and urge to control are two different causes of jealousy. In the first case she thinks that she's probably not good enough and he might dump her if he finds something better, in the second case she just wants to keep the man on a short leash for the sake of it. Well, that's how I get it...

When I saw the name of this thread, I thought "Hey, it's about me!", but now I see that my case can be considered a paradise. My girlfriend came only to one gig of mine so far, and we were talking and stuff. When it was my time to get upstage, she caught a seat somewhere at the side of the hall and observed everything from there. No comments after that, be they positive or negative, either. So, I thought, that may a sign of insecurity. If she liked it, was she too shy to join a few buddies of mine who were cheering up near the stage? If she didn't like it, couldn't she say that? It's not that she never told me "Dude, you sucked!", and she knew I'm not offended by BS like that... I don't know.
It was also pretty much embarassing when we were going to the nearest pub after that gig, and a girl I know came to me, said "You were so awesome!", hugged and kissed me in the cheek. Gee thanks for support and stuff, but can you keep a bit of distance when I'm with my woman? :mad: Well, at least my woman didn't pay any attention to that episode, and thanks to the darkness she couldn't see I blushed. :cool:
 
#202
CrazyArcher said:
I think insecurity and urge to control are two different causes of jealousy. In the first case she thinks that she's probably not good enough and he might dump her if he finds something better, in the second case she just wants to keep the man on a short leash for the sake of it. Well, that's how I get it...

When I saw the name of this thread, I thought "Hey, it's about me!", but now I see that my case can be considered a paradise. My girlfriend came only to one gig of mine so far, and we were talking and stuff. When it was my time to get upstage, she caught a seat somewhere at the side of the hall and observed everything from there. No comments after that, be they positive or negative, either. So, I thought, that may a sign of insecurity. If she liked it, was she too shy to join a few buddies of mine who were cheering up near the stage? If she didn't like it, couldn't she say that? It's not that she never told me "Dude, you sucked!", and she knew I'm not offended by BS like that... I don't know.
It was also pretty much embarassing when we were going to the nearest pub after that gig, and a girl I know came to me, said "You were so awesome!", hugged and kissed me in the cheek. Gee thanks for support and stuff, but can you keep a bit of distance when I'm with my woman? :mad: Well, at least my woman didn't pay any attention to that episode, and thanks to the darkness she couldn't see I blushed. :cool:
Click to expand...

Better yet, she didn't catch the looming tumescence in your trousers.
 
#203
CrazyArcher said:
I think insecurity and urge to control are two different causes of jealousy. In the first case she thinks that she's probably not good enough and he might dump her if he finds something better, in the second case she just wants to keep the man on a short leash for the sake of it. Well, that's how I get it...
Click to expand...


actually insecurity and being a control freak are closely related.

" control freaks are those people who insist on having their way in all interactions with you. They wish to set the agenda and decide what it is you will do and when you will do it. You know who they are – they have a driving need to run the show and call the shots. Lurking within the fabric of the conversation is the clear threat that if you do not accede to their needs and demands, they will be unhappy.

Certainly, it’s natural to want to be in control of your life. But when you have to be in control of the people around you as well, when you literally can’t rest until you get your way … you have a personality disorder. While it’s not a diagnostic category found in the DSM IV (the therapist’s bible for diagnostic purposes) an exaggerated emphasis on control is part of a cluster of behaviors that can be labeled as compulsive generally characterized by perfectionism, orderliness, workaholic tendencies, an inability to make commitments or to trust others and a fear of having their flaws exposed. Deep down, these people are terrified of being vulnerable. They believe they can protect themselves by staying in control of every aspect of their lives, including their relationships. Control freaks take the need and urge to control to new heights, causing others stress so they can maintain a sense of order. These people are riddled with anxiety, fear, insecurity, and anger. They’re very critical of themselves their lover and their friends, but underneath that perfect outfit and great body is a mountain of unhappiness.

Keep in mind that control freaks are not trying to hurt you – they’re trying to protect themselves. Remind yourself that their behavior toward you isn’t personal; the compulsion was there before they met you, and it will be their forever unless they get help. Understand that they are skilled manipulators, artful and intimidating, rehearsed debaters and excellent at distorting reality.

In order to not feel degraded, humiliated and have your sense of self and self worth assaulted, you need to avoid being bulldozed by a controlling lover, boss or friend. When you are caught up in a truly destructive/controlling attachment, the best response may be to walk out. You have to understand that whatever you do will have a limited effect. These people are angry and afraid to let go of you. Hence, it is your job to let go of them, protect yourself in the process… and grow. "

sage advice
 
#204
Chebass88 said:
When any person asks their partner to choose between them & something else, everyone ALWAYS loses. If you choose her, you lose music. If you choose music, she loses you & vice versa (if you have any inclination towards her at all!). It is a ridiculous choice - I cannot honestly think of any woman who is worth never playing out again.

For all you guys who are henpecked & get yelled at for having gear in the living room - is the house solely in her name? Are you making mortgage payments also? If so, it is as much your house as hers, and if you pay more, it is even MORE your house. So man up, and put your gear where you want to put your gear. It's YOUR living room, NOT only HERS. Think about it & act accordingly.
Click to expand...

Re. being forced to choose, yes, everybody loses.

Re. guys who are henpecked (what's the female version of this?) about gear in the living room... Chebass88, I don't agree. First of all, who makes more shouldn't make any difference in a relationship. Secondly, no one partner's hobby/collection/gear should overwhelm a common room in any relationship. If you have space for a music room (or a study, or an office, or a guest room), then most of your gear should be there. If not, then one corner of the living room can be dedicated to music equipment, the rest needs to stay neutral. It's not fair for a non-musician partner to have to peer around a row of guitars just to see his favorite cooking shows on TV. (Cooking shows are a good time to practice - IN THE GUEST ROOM, or even the bedroom.)

BPG - happily married to cooking guy for 17 years
 
#205
nsmar4211 said:
As a female musician...

Honestly, not sure I could even have a boyfriend that wasn't a musician, cause otherwise this would be the dialouge:

....Honey, I'm going out to play....you can come but don't hang on me...yes I have to leave 2 hours before the gig...I gotta set up...I can carry that myself DON"T TOUCH THAT... shhhhhh I'm trying to set up....no really I wasn't watching the guy in the front row ...seriously the lights are in my eyes... I don't care if he was stripping down, I didn't see him...I can carry that myself...no I'm not ready to go, I'm talking to another club owner...no it's about a gig... No honey I just want to go to bed and don't touch me until I'm human again tomorrow... "
Click to expand...

OMG, nsmar4211, this happens in my house every time I have a gig. Okay, well, the first part. My husband is not the jealous type, he gets all proud when other men look at me. I like him. But the whole first bit, about "yes, I have to leave two hours before the gig" and "shhhh I'm trying to set up". On the other hand, I let him and my kids carry my equipment. Instead of "DON'T TOUCH THAT!" I say, "thank you, dear". It works beautifully, even if I can carry a bass, a guitar, a practice amp and a bag of music/cables/accessories by myself.

Then again, he doesn't come to many gigs.

This is an example of a good musician/non-musician relationship. But what I wouldn't give to have someone at home who understands...
 
#208
BuffaloBob4343 said:
Once again, I have to basically concur. After having long-term relationships with two very attractive and very insecure women, and after having ignored the warning signs and making all sorts of compromises, I have learned my lesson.

I am at the point now where I am more than willing to trade off some physical beauty for a woman who is reasonably happy and comfortable with herself. Hey, we are all insecure to some extent, but a healthy view of our self-worth is what helps us cope with that. Unfortunately, and much of this is our (men) own fault, women are highly rewarded at a very early age for their physical beauty, and not enough for their intelligence and personalities. This tends to make women who possess these traits highly competitive with one another in ways that are not constructive, and highly focused on their looks when it comes to their self-image and self-worth.

There are a lot of women in the world who are very attractive even though they may not reach into the beauty queen, model type level of physical traits, because their personalities more than make up for that. As men, we need to learn to reward that!;)
Click to expand...

Amen bro
 
#210
When my wife (then girlfriend) and I first got together, I was a musician that was not in a band. Before we got serious, I told her that being in a band, performing, and writing music is very important to me and will always be very important to me. I told her that I need to be with a girl who is understanding about this; it's a deal-breaker. I also explained to her that she would never come in second place to a band.

After about six months of dating, I got into a band. Of course, things went great with her at the gigs with me...at first. She seemed a bit intimidated by the environment and she couldn't seem to find her place in it. However, she tried her hardest to be understanding about this lifestyle of mine. After about a year of that, when the band started picking up steam and played in several different big cities, she sort of pulled a 180 degree on me. She complained that it was too loud, that it was too long of a drive, that she was being ignored, that I spent too much time talking to other girls, etc. She stopped going to shows all together. We ended up going through some rough times for a few years. Yeah, I kept getting torn between her and my band. I always chose her and it made things very hard for gigging and recording. The rest of the guys in the band understood; they had all been there. But, their patience was only going to go so far.

Over the past two years, my wife has been coming to about half of my shows. She found her place and really enjoys herself. She hangs out with me or the 9-10 friends that she has that follows my band. With a bit of work, she and I bridged the lifestyle gap and have been going strong ever since.
 
#211
After not getting it right several times as a younger guy I finally go it right and fell for the singer in a band I was in about 20 yrs ago. It has had some rough patches as everybody does but it has been mostly a blast and though after our daughter was born she semi-retired and only sings in church these days, she is my and the bands biggest cheerleader, confidant, critic, soundingboard, and on rehearsal nights spoils the guys rotten.

Marrying another entertainer was one of the few smart things I have ever done. No arguments on gigs-ever. No arguments on gear as long as it wasn't taking dough away from more important bills at the time. No arguments on the money I make from music- it's mine to do with as I please which is often spending it on her. (Tip here for the working bassist with a gal that complains- save up your gig money and blow it all on her periodically. Huge mileage guaranteed)

JKT:bassist:
 
#212
My wife actually has more experience with being a band girlfriend than I do with being a member of an active gigging band. My band is just now starting to play out. She had dated a guitard many years ago.

These are HER ideas on the subject:

She will never assume that she's coming along to gigs. If I would like to have her at a gig, I should let her know that. If she wants to come along to gig, she will always ask me if I mind.

She suggested that I never wear a wedding ring while playing out - and she added that I should always smile at the girls.

She says that trying to develop a following is more important than a girlfriends insecurities - she knows that I'll be busy playing the gig, then packing up, then I'll be coming home.
 
#213
Matthew Bryson said:
My wife actually has more experience with being a band girlfriend than I do with being a member of an active gigging band. My band is just now starting to play out. She had dated a guitard many years ago.

These are HER ideas on the subject:

She will never assume that she's coming along to gigs. If I would like to have her at a gig, I should let her know that. If she wants to come along to gig, she will always ask me if I mind.

She suggested that I never wear a wedding ring while playing out - and she added that I should always smile at the girls.

She says that trying to develop a following is more important than a girlfriends insecurities - she knows that I'll be busy playing the gig, then packing up, then I'll be coming home.
Click to expand...

Give this girl a medal. Congrats on the fine las mate
 
#214
Spinal Tapper said:
Hey everyone.
I've been really really frustrated lately. I've been with this girl for almost 2 years. We live together.
I've been in my band (and playing music) MUCH longer than that.

She's never had a problem in the past coming to shows and functioning with the other girlfriends/my friends/her friends with a lot of people around.
My band took a quick hiatus from shows to concentrate on writing new stuff, but now we're gigging again. The last few months when we've played shows, she gets pissed at me after EVERY show...for NO reason!
She blames me for ignoring her while I thank other people for coming out, selling merch, or going to talk to friends I haven't seen in a while, even if she tags along with me to the other side of the bar and I introduce her. She makes me out to look like an *******.
She even got pissed when we had to run the gear back to our rehearsal spot for 10 minutes after the gig so it wouldn't get stolen out of the van (which the owner warned us "happens constantly" outside this bar).


How can I control my insecure girlfriend at shows and/or get her to chill the hell out and have a good time??? (No, alcohol makes her worse, I tried that...)

Thanks for letting me rant TBers, I don't know who else to talk about this - of course my band says "end it", but I love her and they're not forcing me choose or anything, it's just embarrassing...
Click to expand...


I've been there done that!! I always say please don't make me make a decision because you're not going to make me give up music. :hiding: I was doing this when you met me and if you didn't like it then that is when you should have said something. It's worked so far, but there are still uncomfortable situations. I agree with the "I love you", but please stay home too....I've used that one also. :D
 
#217
Spinal Tapper said:
Wow, man, you guys are all right.
I need to tell her that this is how shows go. Funny thing is, she's a "shows" type of chick. She used to go to concerts/shows by herself just to see the band she liked before we were even together.
She's also EXTREMELY unreasonable. I ask her for specific instances where I was being this "neglecting boyfriend" and she can't even point it out, she's like, "oh you're just ignoring me the whole time!".
It's messed up guys, lemme tell ya...
Click to expand...
This probably goes way beyond your gigging. There's more to it.
 
#218
Illbay said:
I have to admit, even I would be uncomfortable with that. Being married is a GOOD thing; why are you supposed to hide it?

Isn't there a smidgen of "false advertising" therein?
Click to expand...
JKT said:
At face value maybe but that's an old showbusiness axiom like no wristwatch
Click to expand...

What he said.

FWIW - I don't see it as false advertising of single-ness, I see it as not advertising your married-ness.
 
#220
Greetings from the North,

To put it bluntly.... you are going to have to unload her or give up music life. Even if she begins to act like she accepts it there will come a time that her controlled simmer will boil over into a big hurtful mess. If she doesn't like what you are doing, she won't change and if you want to stay with her you'll have to let go of playing live. Been there myself a few times and of course YMMV. But not bloody likely. Good luck.

Rezdog
 

Latest posts

Top Bottom
Back