A BIIIIG +1 to this one!
If she can't accept something that is this big of a part of your life, that what's next?
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Insecure girlfriend at shows...
- Thread starter Spinal Tapper
- Start date
A BIIIIG +1 to this one!
If she can't accept something that is this big of a part of your life, that what's next?
Yea, I guess I opened up the flood gates here with this one!
8 pages deep and it hasn't even been 24 hours since my OP...again, i appreciate everyone's input! I think we've all had this experience in one form or another...
8 pages deep and it hasn't even been 24 hours since my OP...again, i appreciate everyone's input! I think we've all had this experience in one form or another...
Megathread, indeed, but the title needs to be changed to:
Pet theories on women, relationships and/or marriage
Marriage isn't simply religious oppression. Which religion can you blame? Every religion, every culture, every society endorses marriage. Marriage is everywhere. It's one of the moral standards that the whole world has shared for all of history. The rule is there, some cultures have had variations, such as how many and at what age, but the standard that you can't just have any woman at any time, you must form a permanent attachment is consistent.
I'm not trying to be your conscience, just pointing out the trend.
Pet theories on women, relationships and/or marriage
Marriage isn't simply religious oppression. Which religion can you blame? Every religion, every culture, every society endorses marriage. Marriage is everywhere. It's one of the moral standards that the whole world has shared for all of history. The rule is there, some cultures have had variations, such as how many and at what age, but the standard that you can't just have any woman at any time, you must form a permanent attachment is consistent.
I'm not trying to be your conscience, just pointing out the trend.
I kinda like "Insecure Girlfriend at Shows"...it did kind of get off-topic a little with the whole marriage thing. That's not where I was going exactly, although I am interested in everyone's opinions regarding this matter, but that's not going in the "performance" section of this forum...I want to keep it aimed towards the insecure girl and how to handle their unreasonable personalities at gigs specifically.
Funny, when I first met her, she played acoustic guitar. Hasn't played a DAY since we've been together...like I said before...I'M her hobby...
As a female musician, I can sympathize with both POV's on this. I can understand the jealousy thing.....and I can understand the musician thing. And it's VERY true that oftentimes when a woman is upset about something that never upset her before, there's something else going on. What sucks..... is that half the time she/we doesn't even know what it is! So she'll harp on the one thing she can lay her finger on. TALK to her. You may have to listen to her several times, this isn't a one-time-and-its-solved conversation. Men try to fix problems.... but sometimes a woman doesn't need her problems fixed, she just needs someone to listen to them. With NO solutions offered unless she asks btw. and never ever ever utter the words "you're being unreasonable".... even if she is.
Maybe she's bored at home. Maybe she's really jealous becuase you're going out and having fun and she's not. +100 to getting her a new hobby. Or maybe put her in charge of something. If she wants to be part of it, teach her sound... use her as a roadie....something. Get her a Tshirt that says "I'm with the bass player". Get her a good digital camera and make her the band photographer with lavish credit given. Let her do part of the website. There's got to be SOMETHING she can do. Otherwise a bored woman is an unhappy one. She used to play guitar? Let her do one song with you guys-if she's terrible, put her through the monitors and leave her out of the mix... just don' tell her.
And I've seen just as many insecure guys as girls......guys just tend to puff up and act macho when insecure, whereas girls tend to get....uh...... whiny. Different appearance, same emotion.
Honestly, not sure I could even have a boyfriend that wasn't a musician, cause otherwise this would be the dialouge: ....Honey, I'm going out to play....you can come but don't hang on me...yes I have to leave 2 hours before the gig...I gotta set up...I can carry that myself DON"T TOUCH THAT... shhhhhh I'm trying to set up....no really I wasn't watching the guy in the front row ...seriously the lights are in my eyes... I don't care if he was stripping down, I didn't see him...I can carry that myself...no I'm not ready to go, I'm talking to another club owner...no it's about a gig... No honey I just want to go to bed and don't touch me until I'm human again tomorrow...
But....musicians are a bunch of mental peoples so they're just as hard to get along with! LOL
As someone who has lots of hobbies, I can tell you now if/when someone says "you have to chose between me and music/animals/art" guess who gets to have all the covers to herself? BUT, you have to make sure that you are making time for her, and letting her have time for herself. Firmly (not loudly) just say, honey, on these nights it's music. If you want, we'll get some money and you can take belly dancing or whatever lessons on those nights. These nights are our nights...these nights are whatever. If she knows that every Wed is date night, and it is, then it'll help the insecurity.
There.......womans point of view
Maybe she's bored at home. Maybe she's really jealous becuase you're going out and having fun and she's not. +100 to getting her a new hobby. Or maybe put her in charge of something. If she wants to be part of it, teach her sound... use her as a roadie....something. Get her a Tshirt that says "I'm with the bass player". Get her a good digital camera and make her the band photographer with lavish credit given. Let her do part of the website. There's got to be SOMETHING she can do. Otherwise a bored woman is an unhappy one. She used to play guitar? Let her do one song with you guys-if she's terrible, put her through the monitors and leave her out of the mix... just don' tell her.
And I've seen just as many insecure guys as girls......guys just tend to puff up and act macho when insecure, whereas girls tend to get....uh...... whiny. Different appearance, same emotion.
Honestly, not sure I could even have a boyfriend that wasn't a musician, cause otherwise this would be the dialouge: ....Honey, I'm going out to play....you can come but don't hang on me...yes I have to leave 2 hours before the gig...I gotta set up...I can carry that myself DON"T TOUCH THAT... shhhhhh I'm trying to set up....no really I wasn't watching the guy in the front row ...seriously the lights are in my eyes... I don't care if he was stripping down, I didn't see him...I can carry that myself...no I'm not ready to go, I'm talking to another club owner...no it's about a gig... No honey I just want to go to bed and don't touch me until I'm human again tomorrow...
But....musicians are a bunch of mental peoples so they're just as hard to get along with! LOL
As someone who has lots of hobbies, I can tell you now if/when someone says "you have to chose between me and music/animals/art" guess who gets to have all the covers to herself? BUT, you have to make sure that you are making time for her, and letting her have time for herself. Firmly (not loudly) just say, honey, on these nights it's music. If you want, we'll get some money and you can take belly dancing or whatever lessons on those nights. These nights are our nights...these nights are whatever. If she knows that every Wed is date night, and it is, then it'll help the insecurity.
There.......womans point of view
Trust me, it is a one in a million girl that can HONESTLY put up with and support a musician. Sound like you haven't found her yet.
Try playing in a thrown together band that only gets 4 rehearsals before having to do 2 nights of 4x45, with a female drummer who hasn't played at all in 5 years... and went on birth control the week before the first rehearsal.
This isn't a gig or musician issue....your relationship is heading south. Find the real problem and deal with it.
- Jun 25, 2007
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- Artist:TC Electronic RH450 bass system (original test-pilot)
After over 30 years in this buisness, I have seen this countless times--
It will come down to "ME OR MUSIC" every--EVERY time--I guarantee it! Especially at your young age.
You'll have to dump her/ or quit playing PERIOD!
If you marry her you can kiss your music career GOODBYE..
It will be at the root of every argument you have FOREVER--"You love music more than me"---"prove you love me by quitting"
Run away as fast as you can. Or be prepared for hell on earth.. It gets much worse with time when she figures out how to manipulate this sick game.
It will come down to "ME OR MUSIC" every--EVERY time--I guarantee it! Especially at your young age.
You'll have to dump her/ or quit playing PERIOD!
If you marry her you can kiss your music career GOODBYE..
It will be at the root of every argument you have FOREVER--"You love music more than me"---"prove you love me by quitting"
Run away as fast as you can. Or be prepared for hell on earth.. It gets much worse with time when she figures out how to manipulate this sick game.
Bands are like relationships and it seems like this girl isn't okay with polygamy 
Seriously, this has sprouted a few times with band members having their girlfriends (never played with a girl, so no boyfriends) following them around, not understanding why they don't look at them all the time at a gig, why they don't come home straight after the gig, etc.
But I've never seen someone being so whiny and needy, excpet for one of my friend's girlfriend. She basically said, after they got married, that "since we're togheter, we have to take decisions togheter". This means that he cannot got out with friends if she doesn't agree to. And since she has no life (and thus no known friends), she does not agree to let him free very often since "she doesn't abandon him on a saturday night"... If you'Re not happy with her reactions, try to work it out with her. If it doesn't work, time to find another girl and you'r ein luck since being in a band helps... NOT
Seriously, this has sprouted a few times with band members having their girlfriends (never played with a girl, so no boyfriends) following them around, not understanding why they don't look at them all the time at a gig, why they don't come home straight after the gig, etc.
But I've never seen someone being so whiny and needy, excpet for one of my friend's girlfriend. She basically said, after they got married, that "since we're togheter, we have to take decisions togheter". This means that he cannot got out with friends if she doesn't agree to. And since she has no life (and thus no known friends), she does not agree to let him free very often since "she doesn't abandon him on a saturday night"... If you'Re not happy with her reactions, try to work it out with her. If it doesn't work, time to find another girl and you'r ein luck since being in a band helps... NOT
I completely disagree with all those that suggested including her more with the band in any way. She's being a pain in the butt at your gigs, so the last thing you want to do is make sure that she has a reason to be at all of your gigs. I certainly can not get behind the idea of rewarding bad behavior - which is exactly what that would be. Throw a fit and get your way - not a good plan for parenting or relationships... unless you want spoiled children and a domineering wife.
You know, the people who say it may be time to end the relationship are probably correct. It is obvious that she cannot be supportive of what you love. What kind of girlfriend is that? Band dudes are chic magnets and general people magnets and she can't deal with the lack of attention. What kind of girlfriend is that? DON'T involve her in the band because that is a huge conflict of interest. She will then think that you should give her more attention because she's doing YOU a favor. The bottom line is what is more important, the band or her. That may be a tough decision to make, but if you feel as though you can have a great time and still enjoy the band without her, then you don't really need her. And if she can't allow you to enjoy the band, she doesn't love you as much as she may think.
When I was in my crazy phase (which I have since grown from and thank GOD I am way cooler now), I finally realized that the arguing and neverending crappy mood at shows for he AND I just wasn't worth it. I broke up with him, and we are BOTH very happy now. He's in a band that seems to be doing very well for themselves and is dating a girl who I guess is super cool with everything. I am just starting out in a band and very happily single. And this guy was my very first love. I still have no regrets however. We just didn't see eye to eye at the time. Sounds like you don't and won't either.
When I was in my crazy phase (which I have since grown from and thank GOD I am way cooler now), I finally realized that the arguing and neverending crappy mood at shows for he AND I just wasn't worth it. I broke up with him, and we are BOTH very happy now. He's in a band that seems to be doing very well for themselves and is dating a girl who I guess is super cool with everything. I am just starting out in a band and very happily single. And this guy was my very first love. I still have no regrets however. We just didn't see eye to eye at the time. Sounds like you don't and won't either.
Many years ago I did a set up for a bass player in one of the locally successful bands. These guys were making a very good living playing four or five nights a week. When he came to pick up his guitar I asked him about his family. He told me that when he got one morning a few months before his wife met him at the front door. She said "Me or the band." He asked her not to make him choose. She and the kids walked out the door. Evidently the car was already packed.
A jenny dies a jenny. She doesn't die a horse.
