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Insecure girlfriend at shows...

#121
the problem is, boys, is how we choose women. The guy above was right -- we tend to be all picky about looks and tend to let our judgment be clouded by it.

Plus, what are insecure women like? In the beginning, they really show their interest in you. They really act like they are into you. They show you that they really want you. ALL these things are really attractive to men - but what we don't see is that these could be red flags, that these characteristics indicate a woman who is going to try and control you and dominate you in anyway she can so that she feels complete and whole.

Then we learn too late.

We are not immune. I had a male friend like that just a few years ago. He seemed so nice, kind to me and my family. And within a year, I saw what I was dealing with. It was almost like he was obsessed with me. He would CONSTANTLY see anything I said or did in the worse possible light, always twisting things around to prove that I was trying to get rid of him, or that I was undermining him. And he did this to everyone in his life that I could see (his wife was a bit of a doormat, to be honest). I mean, he's a really nice guy but after a while it was like, "there is way too much of YOU in my life...back off"...and then he would pout, act out, throw little tantrums. Because we worked together, it was impossible to completely ignore the guy. I tried over and over and over to discuss his behavior with him and why it was wrong - but he was so insecure that DEFENSIVENESS against any criticism, perceived or real, large or small was his usual response. He was never to be seen as wrong. Never. It was ALWAYS me or someone else. Always. I realized where it was coming from. He would, after a blow-up, be real nice and try and make it up to me, but within 4 weeks, he would be playing games again. It was like male PMS. I couldn't deal with it. But I moved away and took another job and that solved that.

And I've seen women like this. Again, life is too short. Scrape 'em off.
 
#122
Just last month I got out of a 1.5-year relationship. She was the most beautiful girl I'd ever dated, and one of the smartest, and kind. But she was still very insecure, and had no -- zero -- interests outside of commanding my undivided attention. No passions. No hobbies. Not a lot of friends. Just me.

And I, well... I like to do some stuff, i.e. music, that I love and doesn't involve paying constant attention to her. So anytime I was practicing or rehearsing with the band she was wondering when I was going to grow out of this. I've got this thing that I can just go do and derive happiness from, and she doesn't have any equivalent. You can see how that's threatening.

It just couldn't work.

The best you can do is to try to really get to the bottom of why she doesn't like for you to play. In all the relationships that work, the woman has the understanding that when push comes to shove she is more important to you than a band, and you have the understanding that she honestly wants you to do it because of how happy it makes you.

We just couldn't get there.
 
#125
QORC said:
huge mistake.

Marrying them will make it worse. You think she's trying to control you now? Give her a ring and your address and then you'll find out what living with an insecure/control freak is really like.

Already you have a woman who is so insecure, so caught up in her own needs, that she is trying to ruin what is clearly a passion for you. Does that sound like love? Does that sound like something you want to make permanent?

If it were me, I would run, not walk, to the nearest exit.
Click to expand...

a huge +1 on that. If any woman, or anyone - male or female - for that matter has major insecurity issues I don't know if that person is really capable of taking and giving true love.
 
#127
lamarjones said:
...you made a lot of judgements that I don't think everyone subscribes to....
Click to expand...

I understand that, just giving my POV. And you're right: no one should be "coerced" into marriage. But if she's not "a keeper," why is he with her?

Believe me, been there. I've been divorced TWICE. I am NOT proud of that fact, it goes against my own beliefs, but ironically it has made me MORE convinced about how important family relationships are.

I've been happily married now for fourteen years, and it keeps getting better. I think one thing that has made it "different" is a realization that you cannot take the relationship for granted, and that marriage truly is a sacred obligation.

I just think that this young man, and so many other men and women like him, are selling themselves short by starting out thinking so frivolously of their relationships. I know it's hard, I know that too many of the younger generation have been made cynical by MY generation and the horrid divorce rate.

But when does it turn around?

I have a daughter who is 28 now, and has been married for four years to a young man who is now 25 (he's a bassist, as it happens). They started out with the "shack-up" thing, but within a few months decided to get married. "If we're supposed to be together then we're going to do it right," is how she explained it to me.

I am proud of her. I know that there's always a danger that a relationship can go sour, and divorce is a terrible experience, but they don't happen in a vaccum. If you go into it realizing that it's gonna take work, then you have a much better chance of MAKING it work.

I simply think the attitude that "we're gonna be together for the sex and the companionship, and then move on later" diminishes everyone involved. That's what I was pointing out.

Like I said, just something the OP may not have thought about.
 
#128
T. B. Player said:
Taking the time off was probably the start. You probably hung out with her when you weren't gigging. I'll bet she liked that...so much that when you go back to gigging, you're treated like you've been treated because you're not hanging out with her any more.
Click to expand...

That's a great point.

TYPICALLY (that is to say "it's a generalization"), women tend to think in terms of "changing" their man. They invest a LOT of time and energy in analyzing and thinking about and (scariest of all) DISCUSSING their relationships with their girlfriends.

It may well be that his gf thought "aha! I'm finally getting him trained," and then he pulled the rug out from under that by going back to gigging. From his perspective, he was just taking a breather.

It MIGHT be that from HER perspective she had finally gotten him housebroken. Finding out this was not the case may have really rocked her world.

If this is indeed the case, chalk it up (once more) to poor communication between partners.
 
#129
Illbay said:
That's a great point.

TYPICALLY (that is to say "it's a generalization"), women tend to think in terms of "changing" their man. They invest a LOT of time and energy in analyzing and thinking about and (scariest of all) DISCUSSING their relationships with their girlfriends.

It may well be that his gf thought "aha! I'm finally getting him trained," and then he pulled the rug out from under that by going back to gigging. From his perspective, he was just taking a breather.

It MIGHT be that from HER perspective she had finally gotten him housebroken. Finding out this was not the case may have really rocked her world.

If this is indeed the case, chalk it up (once more) to poor communication between partners.
Click to expand...

A woman that makes you a project or tries to house break you is not worth having. Simple as that. Sure a relationship means compramise but when it's her dictating to you what the compromises your going to make are (directly or indirectly) then just get out.
 
#130
It sounds like she had gotten used to having you around during your hiatus and is now feeling insecure and cheated because she can no longer have that time with you. Coming from a girl who used to be that insecure girlfriend at shows, really all you can do is set your priorities and then set boundaries for each priority. You have been playing music much longer than you have been with her, so she should have known coming into the relationship that you had other passions besides your significant other. Tell her that she needs to understand that you can posess more than one passion and that your band would never come between the two of you, just as you expect her not to come between you and the band. Someone said that you might want to leave her at home. That's not a bad idea. Try telling her that if it upsets her so much to be at shows, perhaps she will feel more comfortable at home and that you can give her the attention she wants there. Sounds like a good compromise to me. Otherwise, she might just need to grow up. I certainly had to.
 
#131
I haven't read every reply...

But, have you thanked her for coming out to the shows? She just wants to be aknowledged that she was there... Just something to try.

Imagine winning a Grammy, and thanking God (or whoever), your producer, your fans, etc. and forgetting to mention your wife/significant other. They'd feel upset.

It sounds like that MIGHT be her issue... Just something to think about.
 
#135
theshadow2001 said:
A woman that makes you a project or tries to house break you is not worth having.
Click to expand...

Well, I think that's true IF she doesn't "grow up" and realize that her expectations have to be tempered with reality. But I think that *most* women do view their relationship in this way to some degree.

You're right that if she cannot "bend" then she's probably not a keeper, but after all, there are "guy things" that need to be toned down somewhat as well.

Communication is key, even though it sounds trite because it's said so often. But I think it's said so often because it's so true.

My wife and I are very compatible in almost every way that counts, but even though we're both at the 50-year mark and have been married for fourteen, there are still ways that she sees things that conflict with the way I see them. We simply have to talk it out.

She and I have been through a LOT of "stuff" together, and we've learned to rely on one another. We may not always agree but I trust her implicitly to "watch my back."

For example, for the last couple of years I've had this "bug" about playing music, it has been a bit of a strain for her. She's a flutist, but doesn't really do much with it. She has to be very patient when it seems like I'm off on a tangent with music, buying gear, running off to audition, or spending time trying to connect with other tyro musicians, etc.

I know that in her heart of hearts she wishes I'd "cool it" with this stuff, but she bites her tongue knowing that it's important to me, and that I've done likewise with some other stuff that she's dealt with as well.

We tease each other: "You know, it could be a blonde," I'll say, etc. We just laugh about it.

In other words, we may not completely agree, but we just set our disagreements aside when they don't really matter.

Now, the blonde would be another matter entirely...:smug:
 
#136
You said she looks down at the merch girls and would hit you if you asked her to do this job? That's a huge red flag right there. Is she spoiled? Does she act like this around family? Hell with the insecurity-she sounds like a princess/snob, too.

I've dated girls like this... and regretted it. Sometimes it takes more than two years to *really* get to know someone. Sometimes people can change. For the worse. If ya love her, give her another chance, but make damn sure she loves you back. Hopefully she's not the type who loves the games. Good Luck.
 
#137
To Spinal_Tapper: Maybe deep down all she wants to do is for you two to get married and have her start pumping out babies. Maybe she looks at the band as a deviation from that (possibly subconscious) end and she's acting out in frustration. Hope that doesn't scare you too much, but remember we're all susceptible to our reproductive instincts at times. However, it's just a quick thought on my part and I am NOT, I repeat, NOT A LICENSED THERAPIST. <end of disclaimer>.:bassist:
 
#138
Thanks for the suggestions everyone. I think all you who posted are totally correct in your own right. Everyone is different and thats why this situation will be more different, or more similar to everyone else's at one point or another.

We had a talk, and I addressed this as if it were my job and for that particular night while I'm at work I may not be able to be the same boyfriend that I am when we're at our apartment alone together, but it doesn't mean I love her any less, it's just WORK.
She said she understands, but we'll really see the next time a local show happens...which maybe a month or so...
Luckily, we're out of town for the next few shows so I won't have to worry about her tagging along and I can have a kickass time with my mates!

Thanks for everyone's input! Feel free to keep posting on eachother's crazy experiences or any females who want to chime in with other stuff, PLEASE DO! I've had a lot of fun reading everyone's stories and opinions. Thanks! :bassist:
 

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