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Insecure girlfriend at shows...
- Thread starter Spinal Tapper
- Start date
Break up with her... women like that never change... at least in my experience.
Okay, that was a knee jerk reaction... a knee jerk reaction out of hurt.
Okay, that was a knee jerk reaction... a knee jerk reaction out of hurt.
Did you recently put her on/change birth control?
It keeps the babies away, but completely severs the already fragile cord between women and logic.
It keeps the babies away, but completely severs the already fragile cord between women and logic.
Er, what stuff? Didn't you say you were already living together? Isn't that pretty much "the stuff" in a nutshell?
Aren't you really saying "yeah, I wanna sleep with her right now, but who knows how I'll feel next week?"
Sad.
And? For the past, oh, 10,000 years or so, there's been this thing called "marriage" that tends to be the basis for a man and woman to set up housekeeping and live a life together.
"Shacking up" sounds too much like using someone else for your own convenience.
Sorry to sound harsh, I'm just trying to throw some ideas out there you might not have thought about.
Dude, what are you his mom? This is a complete moral dump here, sorry if THAT sounds harsh but you made a lot of judgements that I don't think everyone subscribes to.
IMO, the worst thing that could happen is you be COERCED into marriage by something other than your true feelings.
Man, I love these threads. 
This is an emotion/human things, and there's no way to have a 'right' answer without knowing your GF really well. A lot of people have offered some great advice. Please don't just take one person's suggestion and immediately do something. Think about what people have said, we can give you ideas, but you're the only one who really knows her.
Is she insecure because she feels neglected? It may not be the gig thing, that's just where she's venting. The real problem may be elsewhere. Someone mentioned birth control, great example. Something like that might cause her to freak and even she probably doesn't know what's going on.
There have been times my wife has blown up on me over something and after talking it out, there was something completely unrelated going on (job, school, us, worries about the future, etc) that was just stressing her to her limits. I know she is an emotional person and I love her. I'm patient with her when she's frustrated because I love her and really want what's best for her, just as she's patient with me.
This may not be your girl at all, she may just be genuinely immature or there is something completely different going on. But if you love her, you'll communicate, talk it out, and get to the bottom.
There is no one-size-fits all band-aid, each person is entirely unique. We'll help all we can, but you've got to be the man and confront this in a gentle, loving way.
This is an emotion/human things, and there's no way to have a 'right' answer without knowing your GF really well. A lot of people have offered some great advice. Please don't just take one person's suggestion and immediately do something. Think about what people have said, we can give you ideas, but you're the only one who really knows her.
Is she insecure because she feels neglected? It may not be the gig thing, that's just where she's venting. The real problem may be elsewhere. Someone mentioned birth control, great example. Something like that might cause her to freak and even she probably doesn't know what's going on.
There have been times my wife has blown up on me over something and after talking it out, there was something completely unrelated going on (job, school, us, worries about the future, etc) that was just stressing her to her limits. I know she is an emotional person and I love her. I'm patient with her when she's frustrated because I love her and really want what's best for her, just as she's patient with me.
This may not be your girl at all, she may just be genuinely immature or there is something completely different going on. But if you love her, you'll communicate, talk it out, and get to the bottom.
There is no one-size-fits all band-aid, each person is entirely unique. We'll help all we can, but you've got to be the man and confront this in a gentle, loving way.
If you are serious about music, u ultimately have to choose either one if she doesn't understand your position. 
this reminds me of a joke
what do you tell a girl with 2 black eyes?
nothing, you already told her twice.
jk gentleman. Jk.
tell her if she cant deal with it, not to come. or go shopping with her and complain the entire time that you arent getting enough attention.
what do you tell a girl with 2 black eyes?
nothing, you already told her twice.
jk gentleman. Jk.
tell her if she cant deal with it, not to come. or go shopping with her and complain the entire time that you arent getting enough attention.
Man, you guys are awesome. I really appreciate all the diverse input and ideas. I'm definitely going to sit her down and talk about it - and don't worry, I'm not just going to jump off the ledge after one TBer's suggestion. Everyone here is right in their own way. Thanks for all your help guys! Glad to hear I'm not alone in this.
My two cents...marriage never solves anything, if you want to take up the living together/married argument that's a whole other ball of wax. Sure, she may be pissed that you aren't married but you didn't state that as an issue so let's move on.
This topic hits home for me too because the honest truth is that it's just easier to deal with a gig without your girlfriend being there. Even if you WANT her to be there it can be tough. It's just something else to worry about and we have enough to worry about when we gig. Like others have said, it's like going to work. You wouldn't be expected to take her to work now would you?! Sure, if you play the same bar 4 nights a week it's not the same thing as a nice showcase at a big club but you get the point. Let her know she doesn't have to be there EVERY time. Maybe she's just getting bored but is to insecure to let you go alone.
IME when they "start" to get fussy there is definitely something she needs to talk to you about. It's probably not your band or you necessarily. She needs to communicate with you.
Lastly, I know I'll get jumped on for this but, a lot of women (especially younger ones) are dream killers. They see what you are accomplishing and second-guess their own lives.
Talk it out or GET OUT.
This topic hits home for me too because the honest truth is that it's just easier to deal with a gig without your girlfriend being there. Even if you WANT her to be there it can be tough. It's just something else to worry about and we have enough to worry about when we gig. Like others have said, it's like going to work. You wouldn't be expected to take her to work now would you?! Sure, if you play the same bar 4 nights a week it's not the same thing as a nice showcase at a big club but you get the point. Let her know she doesn't have to be there EVERY time. Maybe she's just getting bored but is to insecure to let you go alone.
IME when they "start" to get fussy there is definitely something she needs to talk to you about. It's probably not your band or you necessarily. She needs to communicate with you.
Lastly, I know I'll get jumped on for this but, a lot of women (especially younger ones) are dream killers. They see what you are accomplishing and second-guess their own lives.
Talk it out or GET OUT.
Sorry to sound harsh as well, but this is the reason the divorce rates are so high. People feel like they HAVE to get married.
You're so very right. And these are the types of girls that have been attracted to me my whole life. But u know what they say about the crazy ones...they're the best in bed too...
...not that sex has anything to do with it...
If you really want to continue with her.
Recognize this is a sign of low self esteem. That's going to show it's self everywhere in life. The big fix will be to do thing that help boost her self esteem.In ways that she won't clearly notice,you can't patronize her.Cutting her down is the last thing you want to do and yes telling the truth about herself un-tactfully is a form cutting her down.
As far as communicating she will probably react poorly to direct talk.She will feel attacked and respond defensively.
You need to phrase every thing that would have started "you're always......" with "I feel......"
And yes saying "I feel you're always......" is not tactful.
Good luck,You'll need it....
Aj
Recognize this is a sign of low self esteem. That's going to show it's self everywhere in life. The big fix will be to do thing that help boost her self esteem.In ways that she won't clearly notice,you can't patronize her.Cutting her down is the last thing you want to do and yes telling the truth about herself un-tactfully is a form cutting her down.
As far as communicating she will probably react poorly to direct talk.She will feel attacked and respond defensively.
You need to phrase every thing that would have started "you're always......" with "I feel......"
And yes saying "I feel you're always......" is not tactful.
Good luck,You'll need it....
Aj
Just turn up your bass frequencies as low as they will go. Then, switch on your sub-octave. If she stands close enough to the stage, she will poop her pants and have to go home!
Voila - Nore more anger and complaining!
Hey, it worked with Noriega...
Voila - Nore more anger and complaining!
Hey, it worked with Noriega...
I think the idea of marriage is a valid talking point on this subject .. not that I am by any means endorsing the idea of getting married as a means of solving these kinds of relationship problems, because getting married only amplifies these things. This is not necessarily a bad thing - it is a necessary part of being a human being, and relating to somebody on that most intimate of levels. But, if you don't really love her or feel committed enough to her for that, it won't solve anything.
My wife has a sort of love/hate relationship with my music, as well. On the one hand, she loves that I am creative, and that I have an outlet, and occasionally she loves the music I play, though that is often debatable. She has come out to most of my shows, and generally enjoys herself to a certain point, but generally she is happy to see me having a good time and getting to play for people.
Where the hate part of it comes in is exactly in the "paying attention to her" area, though. She doesn't tend to vent about, at, or in regards to me playing shows - she realizes that it is not about her in those situations, but she has a lot to say about other aspects of my being in a band and playing music, because I'll admit, I do tend to neglect her when I don't try hard not to, in favour of playing music, and making band plans, etc. She really hates that sometimes our schedule goes out the window if a jam sessions gets re-scheduled, and she is quite right in this. I have started making an effort to be a lot more organized with the band stuff so that it doesn't turn into a "Sorry honey, can't have a date night, the band had to move our jam session to tonight" kind of scenario, and so that I'm not constantly announcing the day of that I'll be jamming after work. Sometimes she takes this out on my music, and my being in a band, and I get pissed off because it feels like she's trying to cramp my style or get in the way of something I care about, but deep down I know that it is more about how I act towards here when I'm not playing music that is really the issue at hand.
She doesn't particularly like me breaking out all of my equipment in the middle of our living room while she is trying to relax after work, either, though she tolerates in sometimes. Sometimes, not so much. I have a tendency to talk to her about new gear I want to get, or what's going on with the band, or what's going on with some other band I like .. and she honestly either doesn't know what I'm talking about and/or probably doesn't care about my latest pedal, or that Mesa-Boogie cabinet I want to buy. She let's me fulfill my GASsiness to a reasonable extent, but really doesn't want to hear about it when I could be actually paying attention to HER and engaging her in something she cares about, or even just being with her without my music stuff taking center stage.
Anyway, just my two cents for things you may want to examine in your relationship with your girlfriend. Taking all of the things you've said about her interests, etc, into account, I think the music / band / show has very little to do with what she is actually upset about.
My wife has a sort of love/hate relationship with my music, as well. On the one hand, she loves that I am creative, and that I have an outlet, and occasionally she loves the music I play, though that is often debatable. She has come out to most of my shows, and generally enjoys herself to a certain point, but generally she is happy to see me having a good time and getting to play for people.
Where the hate part of it comes in is exactly in the "paying attention to her" area, though. She doesn't tend to vent about, at, or in regards to me playing shows - she realizes that it is not about her in those situations, but she has a lot to say about other aspects of my being in a band and playing music, because I'll admit, I do tend to neglect her when I don't try hard not to, in favour of playing music, and making band plans, etc. She really hates that sometimes our schedule goes out the window if a jam sessions gets re-scheduled, and she is quite right in this. I have started making an effort to be a lot more organized with the band stuff so that it doesn't turn into a "Sorry honey, can't have a date night, the band had to move our jam session to tonight" kind of scenario, and so that I'm not constantly announcing the day of that I'll be jamming after work. Sometimes she takes this out on my music, and my being in a band, and I get pissed off because it feels like she's trying to cramp my style or get in the way of something I care about, but deep down I know that it is more about how I act towards here when I'm not playing music that is really the issue at hand.
She doesn't particularly like me breaking out all of my equipment in the middle of our living room while she is trying to relax after work, either, though she tolerates in sometimes. Sometimes, not so much. I have a tendency to talk to her about new gear I want to get, or what's going on with the band, or what's going on with some other band I like .. and she honestly either doesn't know what I'm talking about and/or probably doesn't care about my latest pedal, or that Mesa-Boogie cabinet I want to buy. She let's me fulfill my GASsiness to a reasonable extent, but really doesn't want to hear about it when I could be actually paying attention to HER and engaging her in something she cares about, or even just being with her without my music stuff taking center stage.
Anyway, just my two cents for things you may want to examine in your relationship with your girlfriend. Taking all of the things you've said about her interests, etc, into account, I think the music / band / show has very little to do with what she is actually upset about.
