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Insecure girlfriend at shows...

#182
barbarbass said:
QORC --

If you're really so happy as you say you are, then you're not part of the audience I'm addressing. So, just relax, there, chief. Although from the vitriol in your response, I suspect you may not be that happy . . .

And really, is managing the night-crew at a Taco Bell what we consider professional these days?
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trust me, more than happy with my life and situation. Just here ANSWERING THE QUESTIONS POSTED.

your point was what? To tell everyone else that they are losers? I think people here are giving their honest opinions. Yours wasn't very helpful. Instead you attack them, me, anyone who doesn't agree with you.

Taco Bell? Try again. I'm more a success now than you'll ever be, clearly

Sounds like it's YOU who is the unhappy one. sorry your band sucks, you can't afford good equipment and you're not getting any.

None of which has anything to do with the thread. Go crawl back under your rock.
 
#183
barbarbass said:
And really, is managing the night-crew at a Taco Bell what we consider professional these days?
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I really wish the night manager at the Taco Bell in Oxon Hill, MD were more professional. I had to ask her to repeat herself four times the other night, to get my order straight.

From my own relationship, I made a vow 2 weeks into the relationship that I would never be unfaithful, and she did as well. I travel 2 - 3 times per month for work, and am even on long-term travel in DC for 4 months currently. We've built up trust, and she knows that I'm coming home to her. I make time for her, and when that occurs, I am wholly hers - I do my best to clear my mind of work, school, bass, etc. No major problems so far.

P.S. Although the money I will be spending on an engagement ring could buy a REALLY nice boutique bass!
 
#185
If you truely care for this woman/girl, I would give nsmar's ideas a chance. I am the one who asked the ladies for help for you. She gave you a pretty clear picture of what's probably going on. I have been married for 31 years now and have been in and out of bands since I can remember. I have seen your situation several times over. Believe me, it's not always the girlfriend. I've seen a few bands implode due to insecure/jealous boyfriends in my day. The girls may get "bitchy and pouty" but the dudes can get down right dangerous! If everything really was "just fine" before, if you need to find out what changed. How does her mother feel about the band? Mothers have incredible influence over their daughters frame of mind. Has someone in the band hurt her feelings somehow. Maybe she has a friend feeding her a line of B.S. about you. Everyone, whether they are male or female wants to feel needed. Find a way to show her you "need" her and your problem will most likely go away. If after all reasonable efforts don't make her happy, then you can move on with the knowledge that you tried to make it work and she was just too immature to deal with it.
 
#189
QORC said:
I have more stories than I can count about how GFs/wives have ruined bands and band members.

Thank God my wife isn't like that. She knows what I'm doing. She knows I will get some female attention. She loves coming out and has a great time.

How do you fix an insecure gf? You can't. Insecure people are like that by nature. They are black holes of emotional need. Nothing you will do will ever be enough.

How do you fix the problem?

By launching them, honestly. It just gets worse, pal, not better.
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I pretty much agree with this assessment. It never ceases to amaze me that some of the most attractive women are also some of the most insecure. And unfortunately, it is very difficult to satisfy this insecurity. No matter how much you do, it is never enough.

Unless one is willing to reassure someone like this endlessly, one needs to find a woman who is reasonably comfortable in her own skin, who has a view of her own self-worth that transcends her physical beauty.

Part of the problem is she is only 22. Time could take care of this. I would sit her down and have a come to me Jesus talk with her and let her know that you love her, your committed to being with her, and tell her all of the other reasons you are with her other than that she is physically attractive. Encourage her to participate in ways such those suggested above. But let her know in no uncertain terms that her insecurities are creating serious concerns for you and that between the two of you, this needs to be resolved.
 
#190
Guys, I have been mrried 23 years. I just started gigging again about a year ago. I bought the wife a nice little silver bass necklace. I also got her a blouse with several basses on it. I did this while I was getting the equipment that I needed to gig. She liked going to the shows and she liked the extra money I was making. The other wifes seemed to have little to do with the band, and she seemed all alone when she was there so when we needed a sound person so she took on those duies. She studied the manuals and what ever she could get her hands on and did a better job that the "professional" sound people we used. She also takes pictures and filmed the band some. She looks at it as a night out and as my partner.

That band broke up but whe still tries to keep involved with my music. She practically shoves me out the door to go to band practice. She and my daughter help load and unload my gear. She loves meeting any perspective musicians that I might come into contact with. It seems like she is really interested and supportive of what I do.

She has never been a dream killer. We share our dreams. I guess what it all comes down to is choose wisely. If she is killing your dreams she might not be the right one. If you are tired of putting up with her crap, she is not the right one. Heck, when I looked for a wife I wanted good hips for child bearing, good teeth, and a good education. Looks really did not play into it, that is not to say that to me she is not beautiful. I wanted a gal that I could have a conversation with, and was smart. I also needed one that could hold up her end of an argument. (I can't remember when we hard our last argument.) Now, either I chose well or I got lucky. Those of you with bad experiences in you relationships might have not met the right one yet.

ST, I am not sure that you have met the right one yet. I guess she is more of Miss right now rather than Miss right if you know what i mean. Marriage would not be a good thing right now. It sounds to me like she needs time to mature. You date to sort out all of the wrong ones. Take it for the experience and think about moving on. If you are patient there are a lot of good gals out there that will support you. It is tough to find one that will put up with your crap. It is possible because I found one that will put up with my crap.
 
#191
BuffaloBob4343 said:
Part of the problem is she is only 22. Time could take care of this. I would sit her down and have a come to me Jesus talk with her and let her know that you love her, your committed to being with her, and tell her all of the other reasons you are with her other than that she is physically attractive. Encourage her to participate in ways such those suggested above. But let her know in no uncertain terms that her insecurities are creating serious concerns for you and that between the two of you, this needs to be resolved.
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This is a big part of the problem. Most at that age are all me, me, me. My wife read some of this and the first thing she said was that the OP must have given her a reason to be jealous. That is something that only the OP and the girlfriend would know. Hope you don't have to choose between your playing and your girlfriend. Try to come to a comprimise that works for both of you.
 
#192
QORC said:
huge mistake.

Marrying them will make it worse. You think she's trying to control you now? Give her a ring and your address and then you'll find out what living with an insecure/control freak is really like.

Already you have a woman who is so insecure, so caught up in her own needs, that she is trying to ruin what is clearly a passion for you. Does that sound like love? Does that sound like something you want to make permanent?

If it were me, I would run, not walk, to the nearest exit.
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I also tend to agree with this, insofar as you haven't solved the underlying problem. My ex-wife is gorgeous and very intelligent. While we were dating. she drove me nuts with her suspicions and paranoia, even though I assure you I never gave her any reason to be so. I am a very old-fashioned guy in that I believe in dating one girl at a time, at least once things get physical. Yet, I was constantly making compromises just to alleviate her insecurities. I had to changes gyms because clearly I wanted to keep working out there because there were old girlfriends there (even though this was not true.) I had to stop using a female massage therapist, even though she could use a man.

She told me marrying her would solve all this. We got married and it only got worse. She tried to control me in every way to alleviate her paranoia and used the marriage card as leverage.

Needless to say, it was her insecurity that was the underlying cause of our break-up. And that insecurity leads to all sorts of other issues, like treating other women with suspicion and disdain, the need to feel superior, etc.

Never will I ever get serious with another woman who is that insecure. And I certainly won't marry her to try and fix that problem. It will not work!

However, I do not recommend dumping her without trying to work it out first. BUT, marriage is NOT the solution!
 
#193
Wyatt said:
This is a big part of the problem. Most at that age are all me, me, me. My wife read some of this and the first thing she said was that the OP must have given her a reason to be jealous. That is something that only the OP and the girlfriend would know. Hope you don't have to choose between your playing and your girlfriend. Try to come to a comprimise that works for both of you.
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No offense to your wife, but this is not a surprising response from another woman. :hiding:

You could be the nicest, most honest and sincere man on the planet, and if the woman you're with decides you are making her insecure, it is YOU, not her! And all of the girlfriends will agree with her.
 
#194
QORC said:
the problem is, boys, is how we choose women. The guy above was right -- we tend to be all picky about looks and tend to let our judgment be clouded by it.

Plus, what are insecure women like? In the beginning, they really show their interest in you. They really act like they are into you. They show you that they really want you. ALL these things are really attractive to men - but what we don't see is that these could be red flags, that these characteristics indicate a woman who is going to try and control you and dominate you in anyway she can so that she feels complete and whole.

Then we learn too late.
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Once again, I have to basically concur. After having long-term relationships with two very attractive and very insecure women, and after having ignored the warning signs and making all sorts of compromises, I have learned my lesson.

I am at the point now where I am more than willing to trade off some physical beauty for a woman who is reasonably happy and comfortable with herself. Hey, we are all insecure to some extent, but a healthy view of our self-worth is what helps us cope with that. Unfortunately, and much of this is our (men) own fault, women are highly rewarded at a very early age for their physical beauty, and not enough for their intelligence and personalities. This tends to make women who possess these traits highly competitive with one another in ways that are not constructive, and highly focused on their looks when it comes to their self-image and self-worth.

There are a lot of women in the world who are very attractive even though they may not reach into the beauty queen, model type level of physical traits, because their personalities more than make up for that. As men, we need to learn to reward that!;)
 
#196
BuffaloBob4343 said:
Once again, I have to basically concur. After having long-term relationships with two very attractive and very insecure women, and after having ignored the warning signs and making all sorts of compromises, I have learned my lesson.

I am at the point now where I am more than willing to trade off some physical beauty for a woman who is reasonably happy and comfortable with herself. Hey, we are all insecure to some extent, but a healthy view of our self-worth is what helps us cope with that. Unfortunately, and much of this is our (men) own fault, women are highly rewarded at a very early age for their physical beauty, and not enough for their intelligence and personalities. This tends to make women who possess these traits highly competitive with one another in ways that are not constructive, and highly focused on their looks when it comes to their self-image and self-worth.

There are a lot of women in the world who are very attractive even though they may not reach into the beauty queen, model type level of physical traits, because their personalities more than make up for that. As men, we need to learn to reward that!;)
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+1
 
#197
Spinal Tapper said:
Funny, when I first met her, she played acoustic guitar. Hasn't played a DAY since we've been together...like I said before...I'M her hobby...
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DING-DING-DING-DING-DING!!!!

This statement seems to get at the root of the problem. This girl has fairy-tale notions about love and marriage. She thinks that once she has found a man she must drop everything else in her life that she cared about and care about only YOU. She expects YOU to do the same for HER. You haven't and she resents that. Someone needs to demonstrate to her that a successful marriage is about sharing your lives but each person still has a life of their own. I know you're not married but in her mind living together is the same thing.

Oh and NEVER sacrifice your dreams and goals just so you can have some pussy at home. Once you get married she'll stop putting out and you'll have nothing left.
 
#198
ModulusAcacia said:
ST: it sounds like you two have talked it out and that's the best thing. It's hard dating a girl who has low self esteem and is ultra needy, but with work both those things can be fixed and in helping each other grow you truly can build a wonderful relationship.

But if none of that works I recommend buying a set of Lane Poor pick up's, shoving them as hard and deep into her eye sockets as you can and when the police question you tell them you think Lane Poor did it. That way the police will stay on the trail of Mr. Poor forever and probably have as much luck finding him as we have.
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Great advice, LOL
 
#199
BuffaloBob4343 said:
Once again, I have to basically concur. After having long-term relationships with two very attractive and very insecure women, and after having ignored the warning signs and making all sorts of compromises, I have learned my lesson.

I am at the point now where I am more than willing to trade off some physical beauty for a woman who is reasonably happy and comfortable with herself. Hey, we are all insecure to some extent, but a healthy view of our self-worth is what helps us cope with that. Unfortunately, and much of this is our (men) own fault, women are highly rewarded at a very early age for their physical beauty, and not enough for their intelligence and personalities. This tends to make women who possess these traits highly competitive with one another in ways that are not constructive, and highly focused on their looks when it comes to their self-image and self-worth.

There are a lot of women in the world who are very attractive even though they may not reach into the beauty queen, model type level of physical traits, because their personalities more than make up for that. As men, we need to learn to reward that!;)
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+1 billion. No more to say.
 
#200
QORC said:
huge mistake.

Marrying them will make it worse. You think she's trying to control you now? Give her a ring and your address and then you'll find out what living with an insecure/control freak is really like.

Already you have a woman who is so insecure, so caught up in her own needs, that she is trying to ruin what is clearly a passion for you. Does that sound like love? Does that sound like something you want to make permanent?

If it were me, I would run, not walk, to the nearest exit.
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I agree, getting married under your curent circumstances would be rough. I am not going say break up with her, that is only something you could decide anyway. Good luck, sounds miserable.
 

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