I think you already know what to do. But if you need to hear it from someone else, move on. Make it effective immediately.
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Is My Bandmate Being Unreasonable?
- Thread starter Dark Star Wars
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He definitely could use some pointers on delivery, but I think this is clearly not the project for you. You don’t agree on the material or direction, and you aren’t attending practices from what I see in the messages. All this for unpaid cover gigs? It would be best to find a project that sounds with your expectations.
It doesn't sound to me like he's being unreasonable regarding the direction he wants to go in. He has a vision and direction about what he wants to be doing. But, I'm not sure he's as open to suggestion as he thinks he is.
That being said, as much as you like the guy, if you're not interested in doing what he's looking to do, you have no obligation to keep playing with him. Moreso, the truth is you're not being honest with him about what your issue is with what he wants to do, so he really has no idea where you're coming from. If he is the band leader/it's his band, then you're holding him back, regardless of if he's any good, or not.
I understand you not wanting to be completely honest with him, so as to not hurt his feelings because you do like the guy. I'd say, at this point, you're better off just saying goodbye, let him move forward, and you can find someone else to play with that is on a similar page as you.
That being said, as much as you like the guy, if you're not interested in doing what he's looking to do, you have no obligation to keep playing with him. Moreso, the truth is you're not being honest with him about what your issue is with what he wants to do, so he really has no idea where you're coming from. If he is the band leader/it's his band, then you're holding him back, regardless of if he's any good, or not.
I understand you not wanting to be completely honest with him, so as to not hurt his feelings because you do like the guy. I'd say, at this point, you're better off just saying goodbye, let him move forward, and you can find someone else to play with that is on a similar page as you.
Alot of confidence is required for a songwriter to thrive and create. Without confidence the best songwriter never achieves his dreams.
Unfortunately, that same confidence can make mediocre or bad songwriters ...
Insufferable .
Ive met loads of both.
He probably has family and friends telling him how great his stuff is...they usually do.
It might require the feedback from someone he respects to bring his outlook back to earth.... And you might not be that person.
Been there...
Unfortunately, that same confidence can make mediocre or bad songwriters ...
Insufferable .
Ive met loads of both.
He probably has family and friends telling him how great his stuff is...they usually do.
It might require the feedback from someone he respects to bring his outlook back to earth.... And you might not be that person.
Been there...
I don't think that he's being unreasonable, necessarily. Rather he may be a bit delusional based upon your description, and your objectives just don't coincide. You aren't under any responsibility to participate in his dream/your nightmare. What's the old saying? "We can agree to disagree."
This isnt reddit, we dont really do "am I the *******" posts here.
But, to be blunt, you probably are. If you dont want to play his songs, dont be in his band, it's pretty simple.
Also, learn to communicate openly with your "friends" about what you want. If they cant take constructive criticism, in a business thats LITERALLY based on popular opinion, then they're in the wrong business.
And for gods sake, don't go behind peoples back and post their private messages online. How would you feel if someone did that to you and presented just their side of the story?
But, to be blunt, you probably are. If you dont want to play his songs, dont be in his band, it's pretty simple.
Also, learn to communicate openly with your "friends" about what you want. If they cant take constructive criticism, in a business thats LITERALLY based on popular opinion, then they're in the wrong business.
And for gods sake, don't go behind peoples back and post their private messages online. How would you feel if someone did that to you and presented just their side of the story?
You can honestly say that you're not in a position to take it to the next level. You have to prioritize work when it conflicts with practice because you have bills to pay, and your vacation time (assuming that's what the two months off was about) is important to you.
You may want to thank him for having included you so far and having invited you to go to the next level with him, say that you're still open to the occasional jam just for fun (if that's true), wish him luck on his trajectory, and reassure him that you still want to hang out when he has the time between gigs, practices, and songwriting.
You could also offer to reach out to fellow bassists if you know any that might be interested in working with him. Songs evolve, and maybe a different bassist will gel with him and help refine his efforts. Some might be excited to join what could be the next Phish/Dead if they're into that style of music!
Stu Sutcliffe famously decided to go a different direction than the Beatles, while remaining close to Lennon. Many others have left bands that didn't align with their personal goals or musical taste. You can too. It doesn't have to be acrimonious.
You may want to thank him for having included you so far and having invited you to go to the next level with him, say that you're still open to the occasional jam just for fun (if that's true), wish him luck on his trajectory, and reassure him that you still want to hang out when he has the time between gigs, practices, and songwriting.
You could also offer to reach out to fellow bassists if you know any that might be interested in working with him. Songs evolve, and maybe a different bassist will gel with him and help refine his efforts. Some might be excited to join what could be the next Phish/Dead if they're into that style of music!
Stu Sutcliffe famously decided to go a different direction than the Beatles, while remaining close to Lennon. Many others have left bands that didn't align with their personal goals or musical taste. You can too. It doesn't have to be acrimonious.
He has a vision that you do not believe in. Not a good fit. Part the best of friends and wish him luck.
I had a similar situation with a bluegrass bandleader who asked me to play guitar and sing in his band, after he had fired me from the bass position years earlier for not learning the vocal parts that he never gave me lol. This summer I decided to join the band just to get a chance to work on my guitar playing and singing… I practiced and learned the songs very well. But the guy couldn’t keep his temper under control and would flare up lwithout warning about really insignificant things. He had a really amateurish fisher-price piece of junk PA system and expected me and the bassist would o set it up, we learned at the first show…. Then he would send long demeaning text messages kind of like the ones you’re showing after every gig… So I told him that I won’t be playing with him anymore and I blocked his number. Life is short for other people to play with!
Your bandmate isn't fundamentally unreasonable for wanting what he wants. (Though that bit about "deserving" to sing is really off-putting.) You're also not unreasonable if you don't want what he wants. It doesn't sound like you want the same things. If I were you, I'd politely call it a day.
My apologies if this has already been covered:
Consider the following motivators: money, music, and the hang.
There are other factors to consider as well. For example, being in a band can open other doors for you and/or help you build a reputation as a player (networking and exposure). You should also consider that availability of other opportunities. If there is little change of finding anything better, then maybe you staying for the hang makes sense. Or maybe you continue with this situation for now, while you look for/explore other opportunities.
The choice to stay or go is yours. If you choose to stay, it's totally on you and you should modify you mental and emotional state so that you can accept all of the negatives without getting upset or being overly confrontational.
I am not saying you should not express your opinion. By all means bring up your ideas and concerns, and advocate for change. But if your ideas are rejected, or there is no real effort to change, let it go and stop bringing them up because doing so will just create a toxic situation that will degrade the hang...which I will point out is the only reason I can see to stay. If you can't make these adjustments, you need to leave for everyone's benefit.
If you decide to leave, it's generally best to preserve relationships and go out on good terms. You may have other opportunities with these people at some point in the future. Keep in mind future opportunities may not even be music-related. Give notice, but don't leave the band hanging. If you have made commitments to do gigs in the near future, honor them. If you know another bassist who might be a better fit for the band, make a recommendation and help set up a meeting.
Consider the following motivators: money, music, and the hang.
- Money is basically how much you get paid. Do you make a profit, do you incur a loss?
- Music relates to the pleasure you get from performing with the group.
- The hang is the sense of community and brotherhood you get from being in the band.
There are other factors to consider as well. For example, being in a band can open other doors for you and/or help you build a reputation as a player (networking and exposure). You should also consider that availability of other opportunities. If there is little change of finding anything better, then maybe you staying for the hang makes sense. Or maybe you continue with this situation for now, while you look for/explore other opportunities.
The choice to stay or go is yours. If you choose to stay, it's totally on you and you should modify you mental and emotional state so that you can accept all of the negatives without getting upset or being overly confrontational.
I am not saying you should not express your opinion. By all means bring up your ideas and concerns, and advocate for change. But if your ideas are rejected, or there is no real effort to change, let it go and stop bringing them up because doing so will just create a toxic situation that will degrade the hang...which I will point out is the only reason I can see to stay. If you can't make these adjustments, you need to leave for everyone's benefit.
If you decide to leave, it's generally best to preserve relationships and go out on good terms. You may have other opportunities with these people at some point in the future. Keep in mind future opportunities may not even be music-related. Give notice, but don't leave the band hanging. If you have made commitments to do gigs in the near future, honor them. If you know another bassist who might be a better fit for the band, make a recommendation and help set up a meeting.
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He wants to do something, you’re frustrating his aims and you’re sort of stringing him along without being clear about your resistance. With him, you’ll never get a musical project you enjoy. With you, he’ll be constantly trying to make something happen that’s being met with resistance and will increasingly get frustrated with you.
Sounds like you tapped out the potential and it’s run its course. Life is short, make a change!
Good luck!
Sounds like you tapped out the potential and it’s run its course. Life is short, make a change!
Good luck!
Looks like a series of break-up texts. End of a bromance.
BBB
BBB
I learned a long time ago that we can be more comfortable with problems we understand than solutions we don’t understand.
With such different objectives, I don’t see the problems getting better.
The uncertainty of finding a new situation seems to be what has you staying.
With such different objectives, I don’t see the problems getting better.
The uncertainty of finding a new situation seems to be what has you staying.
After reading you post I believe you’ve already decided to leave but are looking for confirmation.
Don’t you see? He’s in it for himself. If it’s his band, he calls the shots. You’re just side man and replaceable. If his material is as lame as you say, the band won’t last no matter who he gets. Add that his lack of tact when communicating with not only a band mate but a “friend”, and you can see where this is probably headed.
If you’re a capable player and you want to sing more, find a group that needs what you offer, or start something new. That way you maintain the friendship and both of you will be happy., especially you.
Don’t you see? He’s in it for himself. If it’s his band, he calls the shots. You’re just side man and replaceable. If his material is as lame as you say, the band won’t last no matter who he gets. Add that his lack of tact when communicating with not only a band mate but a “friend”, and you can see where this is probably headed.
If you’re a capable player and you want to sing more, find a group that needs what you offer, or start something new. That way you maintain the friendship and both of you will be happy., especially you.
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HIs texts show him to be a more manipulative and demeaning than anyone I would consider a friend. If you don't like the music, don't appreciate his attitude and are not getting paid, there in no reason whatsoever to stay with this project. Let him find another sucker player to support his vision.
Victor Wooten is the Plato of music - I LOVE his views. And yes every time I pick up my bass my goal is to support the music and make it better! This project doesn't pay, and I dont see it paying more than 25 bucks (from tips) anytime ever.
