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Is My Bandmate Being Unreasonable?

#81
Is he a narcissist? His texts read like what you would expect from one. Self aggrandizing, a bit passive aggressive but in a condescending manner, controlling, dismissive. I have a good amount of experience, and that was my immediate takeaway.

Run, don't walk. The project isn't going anywhere. The 'big crowds' will never materialize. The material and indulgence will only get more annoying and unbearable for you and any audience. Your interpretation of his originals is likely spot on. You are participating in a one sided 'friendship'. Get out now before you invest too much, and search for people who align better with your vision of what a band/project should be doing.

Sorry to be blunt, but there it is. Don't sell yourself short.
 
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#82
one of the privileges i had in my life was playing with a originals band that imho was very good and that i loved the music for. (most) of the bandmates were great also. it is a rare thing but imho you should not be playing music you are not into.
 
#83
Flame suit on:: As a BL of well over 12 years with the same band, this is the kinda crap that grinds my gears. If you don't have what it takes to set down one on one with this person and discuss how you feel, be gone. Texting is BS! If you try the back door method by talking about "your problem" to other band members and expressing your views, that is totally wrong.

Attitudes are contagious, and for a band situation you are poison as long as you avoid the problem. Your playing will be affected by your attitude. I've played with the same guys for over those 12 years. I can tell when someone has had a bad day. I know my people. We have survived out of honesty and doing things in person. It hasn't always been perfect. But, honesty and friendship has got us through.
 
#84
sean_on_bass said:
If i got those texts, i'd probably pull the plug immediately. I don't see how i could continue with this person for many reasons.
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Yeah - if anyone sent me that, we'd not be doing anything together.

If a friend sent me that, I'd pick up the phone and see if they were having a crisis - because I don't talk to my friends like that, and they don't talk to me like that.

You get what you tolerate, I wouldn't tolerate that - and I hope my friends wouldn't tolerate that either.
 
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#86
Five or Six said:
If you don't have what it takes to set down one on one with this person and discuss how you feel, be gone.
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So as a long-term bandleader you're jumping in to defend "this person" just because he too is a BL?
Did you read the texts?
That's the kind of crap that grinds my gears.
It's not just that he couldn't care less about how the OP feels, he's deliberately trying to make him feel inadequate.
If you've held your band together for 12 years, I guarantee that this guy's gaslighting and condescension are not techniques that you engage in.
While I can understand your projecting yourself into this scenario as anyone might, sitting down with this person is not going to be anything like sitting down with you, so I'm perplexed at how you can defend a BL's behavior when it is almost certainly the polar opposite of your own.
 
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#88
dune said:
So as a long-term bandleader you're jumping in to defend "this person" just because he too is a BL?
Did you read the texts?
That's the kind of crap that grinds my gears.
It's not just that he couldn't care less about how the OP feels, he's deliberately trying to make him feel inadequate.
If you've held your band together for 12 years, I guarantee that this guy's gaslighting and condescension are not techniques that you engage in.
While I can understand your projecting yourself into this scenario as anyone might, sitting down with this person is not going to be anything like sitting down with you, so I'm perplexed at how you can defend a BL's behavior when it is almost certainly the polar opposite of your own.
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I don't think he was defending the BL - I didn't get that vibe at all. His point (the way I read it) is that the OP needs to have a face to face and have an honest conversation - which I think needs to happen as well. "This is the way".
 
#91
I'm in a band like that with a good friend I've been playing with off and on for four decades. After writing one song back in 1988, he started writing again a few years ago with less than a dozen so far and nothing new for a while. I don't think any of them are good, not even close to good. But we do them anyway mixed in with the covers. We're just having fun so I don't make a stink about it. I'm still trying to figure out better bass parts to play, that's been slow going.
 
#92
It was at this point I knew it was doomed

Screenshot 2025-12-22 at 9.59.47 AM.png
 
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#93
Dark Star Wars said:
I met my friend Rick, from a Craigs list ad placed by a 3rd random guy. We had lots of jams a few gigs (backyard and no-pay bar gigs. A few years pass and I rejoin with Rick, who has this grand vision of being a songwriter/lead acoustic player (with lots of fx)


Over the course of time we had the conversation MANY MANY MANY times about how "I dont want to play originals." I don't have the heart to tell him that The ONLY reason being; I really don't like his songs, they go on too long, way too many lyrics, overall cheeseball vibe... IMHO

We had been playing only covers for the last 8 months or so. We did a non-paying gig (with a $5 cover?!) the other day; I think there were about 12 people there, including a bunch of random walk ins He played 4 originals as a solo acoustic set (with looper and lots of fx pedals) The band did 7 covers and one of his originals. There are WAY too much wank-solos on every soug (we did a 9 min version of Dear Prudence) - most songs were about 9 mins... (his original was 9 mins).

Now he's saying he wants to do 5 originals with the band per show...

I love playing music with people - and this is currently my only musical outlet.
This morning he sent a text which set off this whole chain reaction of, IMHO, ego mania ********... It's long (sorry) but I'd love some feedback - I run my bands 100 percent the opposite of him - make sure everyone is having fun..... Despite Rick's passion, I can say with 1000% certainty, there is ZERO chance this band is going anywhere - I don't have the heart to tell him this .

Here is the text chain reaction. I like the guy, and I like hanging out with him, but he kinda sucks (for me) as a bandmate [Supreme Leader?]
Am I being attacked for challenging any part of his "vision?" Does he seem like a "ball hog?" Or am I just being too sensitive?

____________ The texts start off saying "I'm working on a setlist, do you want to do Brown Eyed Women or [someother song] I jsut said "I really wanna sing a bunch of songs!" [I have sang in a choir for 15 years and fronted bands ..whjatever I can DEF sing just fine...] This set off a barrage from the guy

LONG TEXTS BELOW
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Say goodbye!
 
#95
Dark Star Wars said:
"We..." "We..." "The band did..." "he wants to do 5 originals with the band per show..."
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Wait...what!?!? Is this "the band" or "his band" or is the band just the two of you? Actually, doesn't really matter. All I can say is, "Thank you."

I certainly didn't think it before, but I guess I lead a charmed life in some ways that I didn't realize or appreciate.

I have a hard time imagining being on either end of that text exchange with anyone I know...let alone someone I consider a friend or would be involved in a project with (even where it's their project and I've signed on with that understanding, which I've done before).
 
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#97
Five or Six said:
Flame suit on:: As a BL of well over 12 years with the same band, this is the kinda crap that grinds my gears. If you don't have what it takes to set down one on one with this person and discuss how you feel, be gone. Texting is BS! If you try the back door method by talking about "your problem" to other band members and expressing your views, that is totally wrong.

Attitudes are contagious, and for a band situation you are poison as long as you avoid the problem. Your playing will be affected by your attitude. I've played with the same guys for over those 12 years. I can tell when someone has had a bad day. I know my people. We have survived out of honesty and doing things in person. It hasn't always been perfect. But, honesty and friendship has got us through.
Click to expand...
Texting gave the BL a bit of cover to say what he really thinks. He does not value the OP or his contribution to his project. It's good he got that out in the open. A FTF interaction isn't going to change that.
 
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#98
I don't see any reason to be "Honest" if that means telling him you don't like his songs. I also don't think he's being unreasonable at all. He wants to take the band in a new direction and is seeking your commitment to same. I appreciate when people say things to me like "This is the new direction. Are you in?" so that I have an opportunity to decide. I would simply tell him you're going to look for another project that is a bit closer to your vision and leave it at that. No need to say any more than that.
 
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