Joke time

[rtslinger]

This guy has a very nice looking wife and although he has a couple kids he still is jealous and mistrusting.
So he has a habit of calling her to see if she is home it has been the same thing for years. So he calls her up and says where are you right now? She replies I am home he says okay then if you are home turn on the blender which she does and he is okay but still doesn’t trust her so he calls her back again an hour later says where are you right now? She replies I am home he says okay then if you are home turn on the blender which she does.
After 3 hours he has this gut feeling she isn’t telling the truth and he decides this time to sneak home to surprise her when he gets home the kids are in the kitchen and he says where is your mother? And the oldest one says I don’t know but she took the blender with her again when she left!

 

[Nev375]

Alternate punchline.

The oldest one says I'm not sure, but she gave us Jimmy Buffet's phone number to call tonight in case of emergency.

 

[fhm555]

Guy cones home early and finds his wife partially clothed on the couch panting and agitated so he asks her what's going on. She says when she got home for the store and walked in the house, some man jumped her and forced her down on the couch and was having his way with her when hubby came home unexpectedly. She went on to explain how the rapist heard the car outside and ran but she didn't see which way. Hubby dashes to the closet for his fowling piece and when he opens the closet door there is his neighbor, stark naked, hiding behind the hanging garments.

Hubby stares for a long second, incredulous at what he's seeing. He quickly recovers and shouts "Damn Frank! There's a rapist on the loose and here you are trying to scare the kids!".

 

[Jim Nazium]

A guy rides his bike every Saturday and Sunday, rain or shine. One morning he gets up, looks out the window, and it's pouring rain. He goes to get his riding clothes and they're all dirty. He puts on the least offensive ones and goes to the kitchen for a banana. They're all out. He goes to the garage to get his bike and it has a flat tire. While he's fixing the flat, he can hear hailstones hitting the roof. He opens the garage door and is about to head out when a huge lighting bolt incinerates the tree in his front yard.

He decides, all right, eff it, this is the day he doesn't make it. He puts his bike away, takes off his clothes, and gets back in bed with his wife. He snuggles up to her and says, "The weather is awful outside." She says, "I know. Can you believe my husband rides his bike in that?"

 

[nojj]

A Drummer and a Guitarist were seated next to a Bassist on an overseas flight going to a tour.
After a few drinks, the men began discussing their home lives.
"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Drummer bragged, "and this morning she made me pancakes and she told me how much she adored me."
"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Guitarist responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man."
When the Bassplayer remained silent, the Drummer smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?" "Once," he replied.
"Only once?" the Drummer arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?"

"Don't stop."

 

[ebick]

Invalid Link Removed

 

[fhm555]

How many (insert name of hated university rival here) fans does it take to go ice fishing?

Eleven. One to cut a hole in the ice and ten to shove the boat through.

 

[DenisEatonHogg]

A neutron walks into a bar and sits down on a chair and orders a Bombay Sapphire Extra dry Marinti up with olives. The bartender serves it and the neutron drinks it and then asks, "What do I owe you?" The bartender says, "For you, no charge."