Not to worry, I've been hearing stories of a ghostly figure appearing in Karaoke bars all over the country, singing "Pretty Woman", and promptly disappearing.
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lead singer is addicted to karaoke...
- Thread starter powderfinger
- Start date
Not to worry, I've been hearing stories of a ghostly figure appearing in Karaoke bars all over the country, singing "Pretty Woman", and promptly disappearing.
So this morning I went over to cousin's house to pack up his boxes, because his parents are selling his home, as he has been assumed dead. However, I hear the shower. This is very odd.
I walk into the bathroom, and the door opens. It's cousin! ALIVE!
He says, "good morning".
Apparently this whole thing about the rest home was just a dream, and never really happened.
I walk into the bathroom, and the door opens. It's cousin! ALIVE!
He says, "good morning".
Apparently this whole thing about the rest home was just a dream, and never really happened.
But... really... it wasnt (no way Im pulling a Bobby Ewing here...folks).
He had a scar under his eye, and was now about 2 inches shorter.
After saying good morning, he says, "who are you?".
He had a scar under his eye, and was now about 2 inches shorter.
After saying good morning, he says, "who are you?".
So what do you call something that has gone beyond jumping the shark? Landing the (shark) jump?
So this imposter is now posing as the lead singer of a new karaoke band called Billy and The Cruisers. Everyone in town thinks this new "Billy" is cousin, but he simply isn't. This is the biggest hoax since the death of Paul McCartney back in 1967. They've played gigs all over the Queen City and in NC/SC, and are getting a huge following.
Anyhow, they were invited to play the Queen City Tulip Festival last weekend. They were the headliners. The festival was held at an ourdoor ampitheater, with stadium style seating. Billy and the Cruisers did Runaround Sue, On the Dark Side, and other hits that they are known for. For the enocre, they did Season in Hell As the lights dimmed on "Billy", a sound tech walked onto the stage and acted as if he were there to adjust the karaoke mic. Suddenly, before the lyrics started, cousin throws his hat off and fake mustache, and pushes the imposter aside. The crowd let's out a huge GASP. Disbelief. Billy finished the song, to a standing applause.
After the gig, he was interviewed by local music media, and he declined any comment. Billy got into his pick up and sped off....
Anyhow, they were invited to play the Queen City Tulip Festival last weekend. They were the headliners. The festival was held at an ourdoor ampitheater, with stadium style seating. Billy and the Cruisers did Runaround Sue, On the Dark Side, and other hits that they are known for. For the enocre, they did Season in Hell As the lights dimmed on "Billy", a sound tech walked onto the stage and acted as if he were there to adjust the karaoke mic. Suddenly, before the lyrics started, cousin throws his hat off and fake mustache, and pushes the imposter aside. The crowd let's out a huge GASP. Disbelief. Billy finished the song, to a standing applause.
After the gig, he was interviewed by local music media, and he declined any comment. Billy got into his pick up and sped off....
I saw the title of the thread and was going to weigh in about how karaoke usually combines people who shouldn't be allowed to drink in public with people who shouldn't be allowed to sing in public...
Then I read some of the story of Karaoke King Cousin BIlly.
Where is the facepalm smiley?
Then I read some of the story of Karaoke King Cousin BIlly.
Where is the facepalm smiley?
So cousin got married this past Saturday. Billy finally came home to the Queen City metroplex after a short Billy Lives karaoke tour of the Midwest. While playing at an old dive near Omaha, Billy met a farm gal named Claudette Betts and brought her home with him.
They got married last Saturday at the Queen City Presbyterian Church. It was a wonderful service, and Claudette is such a down to Earth, pleasant, friendly, courteous (not to mention, pretty hot) farm gal. She is 30 and has 5 children from her previous marriage, so myself along with the 5 kids all served as Groomsmen in the service.
We had the reception down at the Southside Queen City VFW Club. Cousin refused to book a live band for the gig, instead hiring a karaoke DJ. Everything was going great until the Roy Orbison guy (who I had invited) got up to dedicate a song to the newlyweds. Actually he sang "Claudette" by Orbison, and dedicated it specifically to Claudette.
At one point in the song, the Roy Orbison guy thrusted his hips outward at Claudette's face, which was facing his crotch (she was on the front row of the low rising stage). After the song, the Roy guy slapped Claudette on her hiney. Cousin then stormed the stage, grabbed the mic from his uncle Gregory who was about to sing Blue Velvet, and demanded the KJ crank up Claudette again. "THIS IS HOW YOU SING CLAUDETTE YOU NO TALENT HACK!!". Cousin sang his heart out, and afterward, Claudette was very distraught. She says to Billy, "can you believe that ol perv grabbed my butt!". Cousin brushed her off and simply asked, "yeah yeah.. .who sounded better me or him on that song".
Lets wish them luck.
They got married last Saturday at the Queen City Presbyterian Church. It was a wonderful service, and Claudette is such a down to Earth, pleasant, friendly, courteous (not to mention, pretty hot) farm gal. She is 30 and has 5 children from her previous marriage, so myself along with the 5 kids all served as Groomsmen in the service.
We had the reception down at the Southside Queen City VFW Club. Cousin refused to book a live band for the gig, instead hiring a karaoke DJ. Everything was going great until the Roy Orbison guy (who I had invited) got up to dedicate a song to the newlyweds. Actually he sang "Claudette" by Orbison, and dedicated it specifically to Claudette.
At one point in the song, the Roy Orbison guy thrusted his hips outward at Claudette's face, which was facing his crotch (she was on the front row of the low rising stage). After the song, the Roy guy slapped Claudette on her hiney. Cousin then stormed the stage, grabbed the mic from his uncle Gregory who was about to sing Blue Velvet, and demanded the KJ crank up Claudette again. "THIS IS HOW YOU SING CLAUDETTE YOU NO TALENT HACK!!". Cousin sang his heart out, and afterward, Claudette was very distraught. She says to Billy, "can you believe that ol perv grabbed my butt!". Cousin brushed her off and simply asked, "yeah yeah.. .who sounded better me or him on that song".
Lets wish them luck.
So cousin is now going through a divorce. Claudette has left him for the Roy Orbison guy. She is trying to get child support money because Billy adopted the 5 children. Billy apparently made some bank on his Billy Lives Tour of the midwest this Summer, and the scoundrel is trying to bleed him dry.
We will be putting on a concert called Billypoolooza next month, and it will be a fundraiser to help raise money for child support payments to the 5 kids. We are actively seeking the top karaoke talents in the United States to participate. Should be a great show.
We will be putting on a concert called Billypoolooza next month, and it will be a fundraiser to help raise money for child support payments to the 5 kids. We are actively seeking the top karaoke talents in the United States to participate. Should be a great show.
So Billy's benefit show never happened. He actually was able, with a high powered attorney, to get out of child support payments. So Billy is living the single life again..
Anyhow, we went to karaoke Sat. night at the local Mexican joint. Billy seemed in great spirits, and was telling all kinds of uninterested bar patrons about his experience singing/playing in bands. Noticing that he was talking about actual bands, and not karaoke, I mentioned to him, "we should jam tomorrow". He immediately started stammering, "uh uh.. I can't play guitar right now, my wrist is killing me, and after tonight, I aint gonna be able to sing.. my throat already hurts, I mean, Im taking cough drops right now... this is gonna be a tough show tonight". I should've known better.
So as the night goes on he sings his regular Roy Orbison songs. However, a new karaoke singer named Max showed up. Max is bald, mustached, and about 60. He claims to have been a touring member of the band Poco, but I am sure that was a lie.
He tipped the KJ to make the following announcement..
"Ladies and gentlemen... please welcome A&M recording artist, and former member of the legendary band Poco.. Max Williams to the stage...". No one clapped. One old lady turned around and asked, "who the f**** is Poco?". I shrugged.
The guy sang "Heart of the Night", and ended up getting a stirring round of applause. Cousin was supposed to sing next, but the crowd began chanting "MORE MORE MORE", so he then proceeded to sing, "Legend". It was a great performance for a guy who probably had never even been to a Poco concert.
By the time we was finished, the KJ informed him they are out of time, and no more singers. Cousin went and slammed Max up against the bathroom wall after he sang. He told Max, "this is my gig, mother f******, you don't come butt in on me like this at my home field, you hear me???". Max kneed cousin in the cods and sent him to the floor trying to get his wind back.
I helped cousin up, and walked him to the car. I told him that since he didnt get to sing, his voice would be fine tomorrow to jam. He replied, "Im not interested in a band right now... that's a step down..".
Ol Billy. Boy's got issues.
Anyhow, we went to karaoke Sat. night at the local Mexican joint. Billy seemed in great spirits, and was telling all kinds of uninterested bar patrons about his experience singing/playing in bands. Noticing that he was talking about actual bands, and not karaoke, I mentioned to him, "we should jam tomorrow". He immediately started stammering, "uh uh.. I can't play guitar right now, my wrist is killing me, and after tonight, I aint gonna be able to sing.. my throat already hurts, I mean, Im taking cough drops right now... this is gonna be a tough show tonight". I should've known better.
So as the night goes on he sings his regular Roy Orbison songs. However, a new karaoke singer named Max showed up. Max is bald, mustached, and about 60. He claims to have been a touring member of the band Poco, but I am sure that was a lie.
He tipped the KJ to make the following announcement..
"Ladies and gentlemen... please welcome A&M recording artist, and former member of the legendary band Poco.. Max Williams to the stage...". No one clapped. One old lady turned around and asked, "who the f**** is Poco?". I shrugged.
The guy sang "Heart of the Night", and ended up getting a stirring round of applause. Cousin was supposed to sing next, but the crowd began chanting "MORE MORE MORE", so he then proceeded to sing, "Legend". It was a great performance for a guy who probably had never even been to a Poco concert.
By the time we was finished, the KJ informed him they are out of time, and no more singers. Cousin went and slammed Max up against the bathroom wall after he sang. He told Max, "this is my gig, mother f******, you don't come butt in on me like this at my home field, you hear me???". Max kneed cousin in the cods and sent him to the floor trying to get his wind back.
I helped cousin up, and walked him to the car. I told him that since he didnt get to sing, his voice would be fine tomorrow to jam. He replied, "Im not interested in a band right now... that's a step down..".
Ol Billy. Boy's got issues.
Unless you enjoy this sort of entertainment, I'd be making myself scarce, at least on karaoke nights.
Sat. night at karaoke was bad. We went to a new Mexican eatery in Queen City. Apparently cousin ate something that disagreed with his tummy. We're sitting at the table, and he whispers to me, "I got to take a ****.... really bad.... ". I whispered back, "why don't you go to the men's room then?". He told me he can't, because he is singing next and he doesn't want to miss his turn. I told him he needs to go, and he can sing later. He told me he doesn't want to mess up with the rotation.
So cousin walks to the stage, visibly clenching his butt cheeks together, waddling to the microphone. The song he sings is "Sweet Child of Mine", and to the average onlooker, we was doing the Axl Rose sway on the microphone. I knew better. He was holding a load in.
He did a great job, however, by the end of the solo, I saw brown liquid trickling down his leg from his white shorts into his socks. Some guy in the crowd yells out, "HEY... THAT GUY HAS **** RUNNING HIS LEGS". The entire crowd is laughing at him. Cousin is blood red in the face, and has a huge brown spoltch on his rear end of his white shorts. Cousin comes back to the table and I tell him, "GO TO THE BATHROOM!". He says, "I just did in my pants.... Im singing a duet soon, and Im not gonna mess up the rotation.. the damage has been done".
It stunk so bad. The people next to us asked to be moved. The waiter asked cousin to please leave. He refused. Eventually some burly guy came over and dumped a mop bucket full of soapy water on his head. Cousin stands up, and the guy hold a mop out. "Don't come near me stinky", the man says.
Cousin is going ape right about now, cursing and yelling at this guy. From behind him one of the waiters took a lasso off the wall (decoration), roped cousin, and led him to the parking lot.
I made cousin walk home. I went over there this morning before work to check on him, and someone had left a box of Pampers on his door step. He's gonna be pissed.
So cousin walks to the stage, visibly clenching his butt cheeks together, waddling to the microphone. The song he sings is "Sweet Child of Mine", and to the average onlooker, we was doing the Axl Rose sway on the microphone. I knew better. He was holding a load in.
He did a great job, however, by the end of the solo, I saw brown liquid trickling down his leg from his white shorts into his socks. Some guy in the crowd yells out, "HEY... THAT GUY HAS **** RUNNING HIS LEGS". The entire crowd is laughing at him. Cousin is blood red in the face, and has a huge brown spoltch on his rear end of his white shorts. Cousin comes back to the table and I tell him, "GO TO THE BATHROOM!". He says, "I just did in my pants.... Im singing a duet soon, and Im not gonna mess up the rotation.. the damage has been done".
It stunk so bad. The people next to us asked to be moved. The waiter asked cousin to please leave. He refused. Eventually some burly guy came over and dumped a mop bucket full of soapy water on his head. Cousin stands up, and the guy hold a mop out. "Don't come near me stinky", the man says.
Cousin is going ape right about now, cursing and yelling at this guy. From behind him one of the waiters took a lasso off the wall (decoration), roped cousin, and led him to the parking lot.
I made cousin walk home. I went over there this morning before work to check on him, and someone had left a box of Pampers on his door step. He's gonna be pissed.
So, cousin got married last Saturday afternoon. He finally married his girlfriend, Belinda, who sadly he has cheated on about 5-6 times over the past year. But he says he is a changed man now and that he is going to be a good husband and father to his unborn child (i.e. the reason they are getting hitched...). I served as best man at the wedding, which was held at the First Methodist Church of the Queen City. The service was wonderful. Our uncle Garrison sang "Presence of the Lord" (no, not the Eric Clapton composition, but a hymn by the same name). During his solo, my cousin did nudge me once and whisper (loudly) that Uncle Garrison was "off key". I gave an uneasy smile back at the congregation, as I know the first couple rows (and Uncle Gary) had heard the remark.
At the wedding reception, there was no band, but a karaoke DJ service. For the first dance, my cousin chose the song "Could I Have This Dance" by Anne Murray. However, he held the mic in one hand and sang the song as he danced with his bride to be. For the father/daughter dance, my cousin also insisted on singing. The song she chose was "Butterfly Kisses" (doesn't every girl chose this song?). My cousin sang it and sang it well.
After several hours or drinking (cousin tied one on), Garrison got up to sing "The Best" by Tina Turner. My cousin looked at me and whispered, "he's singing that song to spite me... he knows I am the best.. NOT HIM!!". During the chorus, cousins yells out at Uncle Garrison, "HEY MOTHER F******, YOU AIN'T THE BEST... YOU AIN'T S***!!!!". Uncle Garrison smirked at him, and said on the mic, "better check on your old lady...". Cousin looked around and saw his bride on the floor, she had gone into premature labor. She was HAVING HER CHILD on the dance floor of the fellowship hall.
Instead of going to help his wife, cousin bolted to the stage and tackled Uncle Gary. He grabbed the mic, went to the karaoke jock,who was in shock at this point, and began to sing "The Greatest Love of All" by Whitney Houston. By time he was done with the song, his wife had already been carted out to the car and was en route tot he hosptial. After the song he looked at me and muttered, "I cant believe that bitch didnt stick around to watch ME sing!:
At the wedding reception, there was no band, but a karaoke DJ service. For the first dance, my cousin chose the song "Could I Have This Dance" by Anne Murray. However, he held the mic in one hand and sang the song as he danced with his bride to be. For the father/daughter dance, my cousin also insisted on singing. The song she chose was "Butterfly Kisses" (doesn't every girl chose this song?). My cousin sang it and sang it well.
After several hours or drinking (cousin tied one on), Garrison got up to sing "The Best" by Tina Turner. My cousin looked at me and whispered, "he's singing that song to spite me... he knows I am the best.. NOT HIM!!". During the chorus, cousins yells out at Uncle Garrison, "HEY MOTHER F******, YOU AIN'T THE BEST... YOU AIN'T S***!!!!". Uncle Garrison smirked at him, and said on the mic, "better check on your old lady...". Cousin looked around and saw his bride on the floor, she had gone into premature labor. She was HAVING HER CHILD on the dance floor of the fellowship hall.
Instead of going to help his wife, cousin bolted to the stage and tackled Uncle Gary. He grabbed the mic, went to the karaoke jock,who was in shock at this point, and began to sing "The Greatest Love of All" by Whitney Houston. By time he was done with the song, his wife had already been carted out to the car and was en route tot he hosptial. After the song he looked at me and muttered, "I cant believe that bitch didnt stick around to watch ME sing!:
...this only works if we all think the guy might be real; absent that, nobody cares about random imaginary stories.
jive1
Commercial User
