• TalkBass has been independent since 1998. Add your voice.
    Create a free account to reply to discussions, view embedded media, and browse with fewer display ads.
    Join free Log in
    Want zero display ads or expanded classifieds tools? Compare plans.

Love problems - pouring my feelings out

T

TheInsane

Jun 7, 2002
385
2
42
Upplands Väsby, Sweden
www.entercanopy.com
#1
Now I know this board isnt about this kind of stuff but I have a need to pour my heart out.

First off Im feeling really confused and I experience a rollercoaster of feelings every day. Unfortunately most of these feelings are in the range of being confused, being angry, sometimes relieved but most foten terrible sadness.

I have been with this fantastic english girl two seperate times in serious relationships. Because I live in sweden its been a long distance thing. On top of that I was born in 1983 and she was born in 1973. However the age-difference was never a big deal. In my eyes things ended between us in december last year. Thats when she told me she had found someone else and that she hadnt been feeling something going on between us. Now two months later she's actually engaged to him and it just crushed my heart. The break-up was hard enough. She also claims she hadnt been regarding me as her boyfriend for the past year or so while I thought we were together but it was on ice for the time being.

Now she's 34 and I know she wants to have children and she obviously needs to act on it but I was so set on being that guy. Somewhere along the line something obviously went wrong. Now when its all so real with her actually being engaged to another man I feel terrible. Of course Im afraid she has rushed things because of her age and because shes newly in love but mostly because its not me anymore its someone else.

I feel like crap and I dont know what to do about it. Alot of times I am so depressed Im actually scared of what I might do. I have a good friend to talk to but I cant let him take on all my problems and I feel like I need to write things off as well.

On top of everything this girl has been my very best friend. I've never ever had someone I could talk to about anything at any time and I really dont want to loose that but we've been arguing for the past week or so and even when I tried to make peace we started to argue about the past.

The thing is I really love her alot and I have such a hard time letting her go and I dont know what I can do. For now I have decided to not speak to her until her birthday (in May). I think the storm might have passed by then and maybe we can speak again. Unless she contacts me of course. Deep inside of me I really want to be the one for her and me holding on to that is probably what makes me feel so bad now. I cant let go.

So if you made it throught all that I wanna hear advice or stories how you made it through a similar situation. Because right now I really feel like I have no good reason to live. My life is in most other regards pretty good but somehow it doesnt seem to matter anymore. I guess its all about that thing they call being unhappily in love.

I really want to get on with my life but I keep failing at finding a way out of all this and Im scared that I wont find my way out.
 
#2
wait till their wedding, than at just the right second, when the preacher asks if anybody protests, kick in the chapel door and carry her out.

Now reality. Sometimes it is hard, but you have to bite your tongue and realize that her being happy, even if it means not being with you, is what you should want. There are over 3,000,000,000 girls, you will find another one day.
 
#3
To be honest, it sounds like she was kind of leading you on while she was obviously seeing another guy, and she wasn't clear where the two of you stood. You shouldn't really miss her if that was the case.

Don't stew on it. Go out and do stuff, hang out with friends. If you don't feel like chasing other women right now, that's fine, but eventually you'll find someone else to make you forget about your feelings for whatshername.
 
#6
santucci218 said:
wait till their wedding, than at just the right second, when the preacher asks if anybody protests, kick in the chapel door and carry her out.
Click to expand...

How I would love for that to happen :P

invader3k said:
To be honest, it sounds like she was kind of leading you on while she was obviously seeing another guy, and she wasn't clear where the two of you stood. You shouldn't really miss her if that was the case.

Don't stew on it. Go out and do stuff, hang out with friends. If you don't feel like chasing other women right now, that's fine, but eventually you'll find someone else to make you forget about your feelings for whatshername.
Click to expand...

Now I think things are more complicated than that. I think something lacked in communication. However I do trust her that she didnt actually start dating this guy until this past december when she told me about it. Shes very straight forward and she told me they had met before but just recently started dating (in december). I do believe her on that account.


OctoberMooN said:
1) Stop it!

2) See # 1


Repeat as necessary. Otherwise you'll drown in self-pity and that , my friend, is an ugly thing.
Click to expand...

Now I know I have to stop it, Im already starting to sink down in self pity. The problem isnt to realize I have to get up but how I get up.

Ive been so prepared mentally to give up my whole life, move to the uk, get a house with her and have children, we just had to work things out first. Of course, I am partly to blame for this. Partly delusional, partly not able to speak my mind about things. Now everything has fallen and when one has been so mentally focused its so hard to know where to focus all the energy when that goal isnt realistic.
 
#7
First of all, I just like to say... my heart goes out to ya... most cats have been through those "hard to forget" breakups.

I'd gather that the age isn't the problem... if she wants kids, and you want kids... then her ticking baby clock is a moot point. It most likely boils down to the "Long Distance Relationship". They just don't work! For a short time sure... but not for the long run.

The idea that "distance makes that heart grow fonder" is complete BS!

I'm not gonna candy coat this... you will always love her... you will always wonder "what if"... but it doesn't mean that there isn't someone out there that can make you happy.

I myself have "the one that got away" in the back of my mind... but I've been married for almost 10 years and couldn't imagine myself not being married to her for another 10 (after that... I'm gonna trade her in for a newer model... instead of getting a Red Sports Car ;)). All kidding aside... you will find another. Who knows, maybe she'll be the best thing that has ever happened to you. I know mine has.

Just know that many of us have felt the same way about someone... the pain will pass... the memories will remain... but all in all... You'll get through it.

Buck up little camper. There's other fish in the sea... you just gotta do some more fish'n. Maybe you'll snag one you can "mount" up aginst a wall. :D
 
#9
It's hard being in that situation, I've been there myself.

The hardest realization is that a relationship takes two willing people. If she is not willing--you don't have a relationship! Plus, if she can't see all the wonderful things about you, then it might sound cliché to say, but she doesn't deserve you. And do you really want a relationship with someone who doesn't want you?

A good friend of mine was in love with his high school sweetheart and always envisioned them married. He asked her and she turned him down. TWICE! She cheated on him, treated him like dirt and he kept coming back. Finally he "convinced" her to marry him.

He's married to her, just like he dreamed. But it's hardly a dream. He's miserable, she doesn't *really* want to be with him and spends a lot of time with her friends. Who knows if she's cheating on him still? He works long hours, filling up the time she is not home. He was a bassist, and gave up playing because he just couldn't put his heart into things anymore. Sometimes they go on vacation. She doesn't want kids, and he does. But he keeps trying to make the dream happen.

Look, what you imagined with your girl is just a DREAM. Based on things you imagine in your head, not based on what's actually there. I've been there, the dream is always beautiful and perfect. But she's not the person in your dream. OR else she'd be with you now.

I had met a guy that I thought was The One but he turned out to not want a serious relationship. I tried for a year to get back together with him to no avail. Finally I started looking elsewhere and that's when I met the TRUE man of my dreams, who wants the same things I do.

Don't talk to your girl at all. Every time you do it'll open up fresh wounds. Stop imagining her face in your dreams and find out within yourself what about the dream you really want. Chances are it's not HER, but qualities you want in a woman. Then seek out a woman who has those qualities, including the one that respects and loves you for who you are. She's out there, prolly looking for you right now.
 
#10
It's hard man. I know what it's like to think work is pointless because you have no one to come home to. Even if she's not there all the time. It feels like everything you do, every accomplishment you make, is for naught because there's nobody that you can *really* share it with. It feels like there's nobody to brag about it to who will like you more for doing so. And all of the things you do accomplish get poured into this hole where she used to be and then seem to add up to nothing at all.

The only thing I can tell you that might make it better is to do your best not to dwell on it. This is what everyone means when they say stop wallowing in self pity. But self pity isn't exactly what it is. It's wallowing in a massive void where this girl used to be. It's like being in a massive empty warehouse where you know no one else is ever going to be. What you need to do is leave that place. Pick up some new hobby or focus on a new one. Be it a different girl, playing more bass, photography, whatever. Something you DIDN'T do with her. The more you're exposed to the outside of this empty place, and the further you get from it, the smaller it will become. Don't think that you won't re-visit it from time to time. Eventually, you won't have to go back. But for now all of the paths you know lead past this place. They have for the duration of your relationship, and you don't forage a new path in a day. Then some day, only when you've spent a lot of time away from this place, you can pass it, look in on it, and you'll finally be able to appreciate it as a memory that makes you smile. Keep yourself busy. Keep yourself away from there for a while. You can do it. You'll know that once you're through.
 
#12
That was a good cup of heart!

Get over it. People walk in and out of others' lives on a daily basis. The more you experience it, the better you are at dealing with it the next time it happens (and it will). Think of yourself as being lucky that you're still able to hold on to something like that instead of being hardened and calloused like me. At least you didn't walk in on her banging some dude at a party.

Trust me, you're lucky!
 
#13
Wow, I didnt expect so many good posts. Im glad most sarcasm has been left outide of this thread. I wasnt sure if I would write anything at all about this but Im glad I did.

I especially like the posts by ubado and disenchant. I loved both your posts.

The posts you've made here has put a smile on my face. Im sure I'll sink back down eventually but as with the talks I had with my friend about this its all small pieces that makes me wanna carry on for a little while longer.
 
#14
Also, one thing that may have a bad effect on this is that I dont meet girls easily so I think I am afraid of that. Im not going out very often and when I do Im very hesitant about making new contacts and speaking to new people. I tend to think it will take years for me to find someone new. But then again I realize I cant go around and wait and be negative about it either. At the same time its typical of me. I overanalyze things constantly and imagine beforehand how things will happen and often tthing happen as I have imagined them. I dont think its because I can see into the future but that I steer things into becoming what I have envisioned. Maybe I just need a brighter and more open outlook and things will happen automatically.
 
#17
TheInsane said:
Also, one thing that may have a bad effect on this is that I dont meet girls easily so I think I am afraid of that. Im not going out very often and when I do Im very hesitant about making new contacts and speaking to new people. I tend to think it will take years for me to find someone new. But then again I realize I cant go around and wait and be negative about it either. At the same time its typical of me. I overanalyze things constantly and imagine beforehand how things will happen and often tthing happen as I have imagined them. I dont think its because I can see into the future but that I steer things into becoming what I have envisioned. Maybe I just need a brighter and more open outlook and things will happen automatically.
Click to expand...

There's nothing wrong with being able to envision the future and then make it happen. But it's not good if you envision a bad thing happening and then it happens just like that!

We certainly do make our own futures. And while we can't control EVERYTHING that happens, we do have control over quite a bit more than we imagine.

Yes, have a more positive outlook! It also makes a person more attractive. The right girl isn't going to come banging on your door. You're going to have to put some effort forth to find her. The only thing I can guarantee is that she IS out there.
 

Latest posts

Top Bottom
Back