Love problems - pouring my feelings out

[Vandelay]

Been there, done that, got the t-shirt. It was a LONG time ago. I found that the best way to "move on" was to set some new goals for myself. In my case, they were to start saving and shopping for a house, to find a new circle of friends (my social circle was pretty small and kind of dead-end), decide whether I wanted a new job, etc. (Your goals may vary!) I really did write down my list of goals, and I forced myself to make progress on them regularly. Anyway, it helped a lot, especially finding a new group of people to hang out with. I stopped dwelling on the past and started having a good time again. I didn't even seriously date anyone for a couple of years, which might have been a good thing.

 

[Bass Viking]

Also, one thing that may have a bad effect on this is that I dont meet girls easily so I think I am afraid of that.

Don't meet girls easily...Wait a minute, don't you live in Sweden?

Seriously, I hope things go better for you. Lots of good supportive advice here. I think as time goes by you'll feel better.

 

[Croox]

Its better to loved and lost than have Hot Needles driven into your eyeballs

no sense in crying over spilled milk. get off your ass and get a new glass. We all have moments like that, I just had a similar epic fail. swallow your pride and move on. I'm sure you can do better.

 

[TheInsane]

I don't understand why one of you didn't move to be closer if it was that serious?

Long and complex story. We met over the net in late summer 3-4 years ago and met "for real" on October of that year. It was really intense and she was my first girl friend and probably my first true love. She wanted me to move to her around february that year but I didnt dare taking the step at the time (at the time I was also living at home which probably played a big role in all this). This were ended.

In the summer I made contact with her again (allthough we had been staying somewhat in contact). I said I had a change of heart but she was out dating at the time. Late that year however she invited me over to her house and we became a couple again. I think both of us were more restricted this time around but I knew from the get-go that I had to move eventually. However somewhere along the way things turned the way they turned and now it was her who didnt think the timing was right. This was during the hard period when she pretty much considered us to be a non-item and I considered us to be on ice and if we only made som effort things would be good again. That didnt happen and instead things ended.

So thats the story basically. Of course its more complex than that but you get where Im coming from.

Essentially I understand what everyone here says. I shouldnt "cry over spilled milk" and I should "go out there and find a new girl". Now things arent hard for me to understan, the hard part is to actually do this. Im very down and when Im very much shy and have a hard time in real life finding new people to even be friends with I dont know how I could do so now. Less meeting girls and actually show who I truly am so that they can have a chance to like me. Stuff like that is hard on me.

 

[MakiSupaStar]

Dude your 24 in Sweden. Lots of hot, athletic tall blondes minus a lot of hang-ups about sex. What am I missing here?

At 24 it is about quantity NOT quality because it's ALL quality. Congratulations, you put a lot of effort into some esex and pulled it into a real score. That's more than most people get out of the internet. Now lower your standards. Wear a jimmy. Bag a few slags for perspective.

 

[ubado]

No wonder you are feeling so crushed... she was your first true relationship. We've all had our "firsts"... these are the one's that make you feel the world has stopped... but it hasn't... it keeps spinning... you gotta just ride it out.

I still remember my first... I didn't have a serious relationship for quite some time afterwards... I just pulled a "Maki" (patent pending).
What Maki says has a ring of truth in it. Not looking for "the one" will take your mind off things. Believe me... you always find the best catches when you aren't trying... next thing you know... BOOM there she is.

If you are so shy... and the bar/single scene isn't for you... try an internet dating service. Yea... Yea... I know it sounds silly/cheesey/lame... but I've known a few people to find some great girls... a couple even got married.

You're only 24... there is plenty of time to find someone to be serious about... take the time now to have some fun while you can. Go out.... grab a brew... and keep yourself busy... nobody says you have to talk to anyone when you're drinking.... the point is just get out there!

 

[TheInsane]

I always felt dating on the internet was silly. Some of my friends met people on the net and while they culd be cool I never understood the deal with it until I commented on this girls photo on another forum. It was a "show a pic of yourself" thread and I had posted and she commented on it. I looked at her photos and commented back. I answered her just because no one else had said anything about me in that thread (it had some heavy traffic so people got lost in the shuffle fast). We started PM'ing eachother and soon she wanted my msn. We used to chat the evenings away. Im talking from 6PM until bed time around 10PM every day. Eventually of course she got a cam and I got a cam so now we could see eachother and then the exchange of phone numbers and ultimately actually meeting up IRL. And the rest is history.

I NEVER thought it would work but man I consider that to be the best thing that ever happened to me. I usually say that this girl is the best thing that ever happened to me and also the very worst thing because now when its over its been dragging me down so much. I dont mean to drag her down saying that its more a testament to her enormous importance and how good she has actually made me feel the past 3-4 years. The worst thing isnt really her but the absence of her. I guess that is what I need to get over.

Im actually still sceptical on actual dating sites on the net but maybe I should give them a try anyway. If not for anything else then for getting over this girl whos been so important in my life until now.

 

[ubado]

Right On! That's the spirit!

Sometimes... filling holes is the best way to fill holes.
Who knows where it may lead.... chances are you'll find one who will end up being even more important.

Cheers to you!

 

[NKUSigEp]

Dude your 24 in Sweden. Lots of hot, athletic tall blondes minus a lot of hang-ups about sex. What am I missing here?

At 24 it is about quantity NOT quality because it's ALL quality. Congratulations, you put a lot of effort into some esex and pulled it into a real score. That's more than most people get out of the internet. Now lower your standards. Wear a jimmy. Bag a few slags for perspective.

+1 all accounts

 

[warwick.hoy]

It was really intense and she was my first girl friend and probably my first true love.

Your 1st GF/Truelove eh.

She disposed of you. That's her loss. People do it to each other all the time. Nowadays everyone is disposable. Marriages are disposable. People just grow apart, especially at your age.

It is hard to pick yourself up once you've been disposed of, but you have no choice. Wallowing in self pity is not going to attract anyone. It may take a while. Believe me that has happened to me with my 1st. I went on thinking I had done something wrong, or wondering what I could have done differently. Fact of the matter is you do what you do, and you sleep in the bed that you make for yourself. Question is do you learn from your experience.

Turn to your friends. If you don't have any, make some. People aren't as bad and scary as they seem to be. Find some common ground with some coworkers. Don't have a job? Go get one. Preferably not at McDonalds.

It seems that you have been so focused on someone else, that you forgot to focus on yourself. That is easy to do, but you just have to refocus your attention on to the things that make you happy IE Career, Education, Bass Playing. Which if you gig regularly, this is a great way to meet chicks, as long as you are do it right

Focusing on yourself may also mean working out/exercising, eating healthier, laying off the booze/drugs. Trust me drunk chicks are good for one thing, and half the time, it ain't that good. These may all seem like superficial things, but If you don't love yourself (mind out of gutter) than no one else is going to do it for you

Respectfully; consider finding a woman that is closer to your own age and lives within driving/train/bus distance from you.

 

[TheInsane]

Well I never expected it to turn out like this. How likely is it that my first real love and first real girlfriend is 1o years older than me, lives hundreds of miles away and we fit so good together that both me and her wanted to marry and have children? Unfortunately we didnt want that at the same time which is probably one of the big reasons it didnt work out.
And I want to add that apart from being down about all this love trouble my life is actually alright. I have a ok job (just got a raise actually), I just bought a appartment which slowley but surely turns out pretty nice, I play in a contracted band and we're just now recording our second record (sadly we wont have alot of band practice or gigs this spring/summer because of everyones schedule), my family loves me and allthough I dont have alot of friends I have two people (especially one of them) I feel I can talk to and some more guys that I hang with every now and then. That is actually one of the most scary parts when Ive been most down. I know I have a nice life but this one thing drags me down so much that I sometimes feel its still not worth it.

It is hard to pick yourself up once you've been disposed of, but you have no choice. Wallowing in self pity is not going to attract anyone. It may take a while. Believe me that has happened to me with my 1st. I went on thinking I had done something wrong, or wondering what I could have done differently. Fact of the matter is you do what you do, and you sleep in the bed that you make for yourself. Question is do you learn from your experience.

Yeah, I think it will take a great amount of time and effort. Like you I always seem to think "what if". This is the part where my imagination starts to control me and I make up scenarios and get lost in another world. This happens both with the "what is" as well as with future imaginary scenarios.

It seems that you have been so focused on someone else, that you forgot to focus on yourself. That is easy to do, but you just have to refocus your attention on to the things that make you happy IE Career, Education, Bass Playing. Which if you gig regularly, this is a great way to meet chicks, as long as you are do it right

Focusing on yourself may also mean working out/exercising, eating healthier, laying off the booze/drugs. Trust me drunk chicks are good for one thing, and half the time, it ain't that good. These may all seem like superficial things, but If you don't love yourself (mind out of gutter) than no one else is going to do it for you

You are absolutely right. Somewhere along the line I may have focused to much on one perspective (me moving to the uk, settle down there, get a job, have a family etc) and forgotten about preparations for the "ifs" if things dont work out as I want.

Strangely enough the first time my relationshp ended with this girl the opposite was quite true. I was so focused on not losing what I had that I ended up saying no to her and things were broken off for 10 months before we got back together.

Now the thing about working out/exercising was actually something I started to do when we broke up. It made me forget alot of pain momentarily. When she announced that she was engaged it kind of stopped. I really should pick it up again because it did make me feel at least a little bit better.

 

[Baryonyx]

Try and find a girl heavier than you to sleep with, so you can get a few points for FHM's Bloke Test.

 

[warwick.hoy]

Also just wanted to throw it out there before I head of to work.

Reading helped me out a lot as well. I read as much as I could when I was feeling lonely. It is constructive and can kill a lot of time off

 

[disenchant]

In a time when you are sad and wondering how things went wrong the natural thing to do is to say "I'm going to take some time for me" and then you concentrate on you and your needs. That's all good, but what it does is introvert you and you end up thinking-thinking-thinking and overthinking and overanalyzing things.

The best medicine is to go out and do things for others. Look at the bigger picture of life. It's great for broadening your perspective on the situation--instead of looking inward you look outward and change your focus.

The very best thing you could do is help others in some way, through either volunteer charity or just help a friend. In the act of helping another you can locate your self-worth. Helping another is awesome! It makes you feel useful, wanted and at the end you can say "hey, I made a difference!"

It's very easy to think that your first love is IT, having never experienced anything else. It would be like eating one food and declaring it the one and only food for you. My friend, there are many foods and many flavors! Go sample them all!

 

[bassbully]

Dude your 24 in Sweden. Lots of hot, athletic tall blondes minus a lot of hang-ups about sex. What am I missing here?

At 24 it is about quantity NOT quality because it's ALL quality. Congratulations, you put a lot of effort into some esex and pulled it into a real score. That's more than most people get out of the internet. Now lower your standards. Wear a jimmy. Bag a few slags for perspective.

WOW! Maki is all what i have heard of him Clap....clap....good job my man. You should write a book on break ups and getting back to the scene good advise here At 24 why sulk over one lost love ....go on my young man go on.

 

[TheInsane]

In a time when you are sad and wondering how things went wrong the natural thing to do is to say "I'm going to take some time for me" and then you concentrate on you and your needs. That's all good, but what it does is introvert you and you end up thinking-thinking-thinking and overthinking and overanalyzing things.

Now this is very interesting. Even when Im feeling good (not just now but in the past as well) I always say to people that I tink to much and overanalyze things. Now when I feel worse than before its probably an even bigger problem.

It's very easy to think that your first love is IT, having never experienced anything else. It would be like eating one food and declaring it the one and only food for you. My friend, there are many foods and many flavors! Go sample them all!

Now I expected alot of cliches in this thread and people being not so serious in giving advice. Sure cliches of little worth and people who have tried to make fun comments have entered here and of course hasnt heöped at all. However what you wrote above sure sounds like a cliche but its is very true. All I know is based on this relationship. I know it used to be awesome and that I was ready to sacrifice alot for it but as you say, how do I know other relations cant be even better or at the very least equal to what I have already had?

WOW! Maki is all what i have heard of him Clap....clap....good job my man. You should write a book on break ups and getting back to the scene good advise here At 24 why sulk over one lost love ....go on my young man go on.

Now, things arent that easy. If I could move on without feeling bad I would. Believe me, being me at the moment ist very fun at all. It has gotten better though, partly from actually discussing it here.

 

[Surly]

Time heals and you're young, You'll be fine.

 

[bassbully]

I hate to be blunt but it is time to move on. Its not easy and and not fun but life goes on at your age and there are new loves to find. Look at it this way she moved on why cant you?
Belive me i have been there done it and time heals. Your to young to drag around...shake it and go find someone new. I did and i never looked back.You think this is tuff? DIVORCE is a @#@#@$%#$@er!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[disenchant]

Now I expected alot of cliches in this thread and people being not so serious in giving advice. Sure cliches of little worth and people who have tried to make fun comments have entered here and of course hasnt heöped at all. However what you wrote above sure sounds like a cliche but its is very true. All I know is based on this relationship. I know it used to be awesome and that I was ready to sacrifice alot for it but as you say, how do I know other relations cant be even better or at the very least equal to what I have already had?

Exactly! I thought I had "the one" but it turns out he wasn't even close. I found this out when I met the real "one."

Discussing your feelings really does help. So does a bucket of ice cream and a chick flick

I'm kidding. You're headed in the right direction!

 

[TheInsane]

I hate to be blunt but it is time to move on. Its not easy and and not fun but life goes on at your age and there are new loves to find. Look at it this way she moved on why cant you?
Belive me i have been there done it and time heals. Your to young to drag around...shake it and go find someone new. I did and i never looked back.You think this is tuff? DIVORCE is a @#@#@$%#$@er!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I can imagine that, not only the emotional side but everything that comes with it.

Yeah she did move on and she has a easier time to do so. I think its two-fold actually. Most girls seem to have a easier time to move on while guys goa round and feel bad about it as well as shes older than me and has lots of more experience. I know shes been some rough times before and she knows she has gotten out of those so moving on from what I and her had may not be that big of a deal for her. For me on the other hand its all very new.

Just seconds ago she actually logged in on msn. I dont plan to chat with her and she hasnt contacted me but just seeing her nickname and avatar made that feeling in my stomach come back (the bad feeling). And this is on the day when I have felt the best out of every day since she told me she was engaged. Still I do notice progress on my part.

Discussing your feelings really does help. So does a bucket of ice cream and a chick flick

I'm kidding. You're headed in the right direction!

You know what? When I have been feeling bad before I have indeed turned to chick flicks (never ice cream though) as well as old 80'ies hair rock/metal ala Bon Jovi Now this is coming from a guy who loves Morbid Angel and other extreme metal. Its not what most people expect. I may even watch "the holiday" tonight. I liked it the first time around