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Male TBers (divorce)
- Thread starter vivaknoxvegas
- Start date
We somewhat lived together, but never had a place of our own. We stayed at my parents house (where I was living at the time) most of the time.
Why did I get married? Well, getting pregnant and losing a child 6 months of the way in really does a lot to screw with your emotional stability. It also seems to affect ones rationality. Mistakes were made, lets leave it at that.
you are not alone. for all the inappropriate silliness that goes on in OT, there is also great support. i know i needed it when my marriage fell apart last summer.
i applaud you for opening up and talking about your worries. that takes courage and trust and is an important first step to whatever the solution may be. i also applaud all the posters for being so frank about their situations. there is a lot of hardship in this thread.
i have 2 kids (14/10) from a 20 yr relationship and am headed for divorce. it has been slow, she is the financially stable one so i am rather nervous. and there just isn't enough $$$ to go around, or to pay two lawyers. fortunately, now we are being decent to each other. if you asked me a year ago, i would have said staying together for the kids and the conveniences is worth it if no one is being abused or totally screwed. now, i wouldn't say that. i too have benefited from the separation. a friend of mine said (when she split up) that you don't realize how much your baseline has shifted to you get out. i had no idea how stressed i constantly was trying to make her happy, when the sad truth was that i never was gonna.
and like so many posters here, within a few months i found a wonderful woman. she wants to be with me; i want to be with her. what a difference. and,while i am not trying to talk you out of your marriage, i gotta say: i am 40+, living in a small midwestern city, financially a mess, not exactly a babe-magnet, but if i can find someone, i am sure anyone can!
so now i better say: don't just jump ship for the hope of scoring someone better. divorce is serious and stressful stuff. your child is real young and probly won't remember too much of you guys being together, but, still, it is hard on the kids. you need to be happy and the child needs to be happy. think about what will make that possible. dream it, believe it, make it so.
as my therapist likes to say about other peoples' advice: ultimately, you are the one that has to live with yourself and you decisions. be true to yourself.
so, how are ya?
i guess i gotta ask why it's necessary to "find" someone....after being married and divorced......
it seems that most who get out of one relationship feel compelled somehow to jump right into another one...i was married once and once was definitely enough
the longer i live outside of the traditional roles that the church and government wish us to follow the more i'm convinced that they are not for me.....why are relationships only considered legit if sanctioned by a church i don't believe in or a government that i distrust....perhaps in an age when people lived their entire lives in the villages where they were born and survival meant pairing up to share the work load,marriage had a stronger role to play.....
but beyond our own insecurities about being alone,we just don't need it any more....
free at last,free at last,thank (insert deity)almighty,i'm free at last
actually, i was set on not getting in to a relationship. i hooked up with my soon to be ex when i was 20 yrs old. i was happy to learn to be alone (that is, with two kids) i never saw this relationship coming, but sometimes when you connect, you connect. it was freaky at first, but we don't live together, i am independent. i need to be.
on the other hand, i had a serious desire for some fun, wild, ummm, adult activity. in my marriage, i confused steady relations with good relations. my mistake. now, i am enjoying my adulthood.
and yes, marriage was meant to be more of a tool for society's benefit.
on the other hand, i had a serious desire for some fun, wild, ummm, adult activity. in my marriage, i confused steady relations with good relations. my mistake. now, i am enjoying my adulthood.
and yes, marriage was meant to be more of a tool for society's benefit.
i was fortunate enough to live outside of the norm.....these days there is more opportunity than ever before to live on ones own terms....but those old societal bugaboos like marriage are always lurking,to pull you in......
a queen for a day wedding,a student loan,mortgage,car etc.....and some poor wide eyed kid just signed off on the better part of his life......time to let the young'uns know that there is more than one option
That makes a huge difference.. depending on the seriousness of the problems.. Some problems are just insurmountable.. Getting divorced from my first wife was a good thing... We never should have married and the only thing that came of it is my daughter who is now soon to be 28 with a 6 year old of her own.. .. being a weekend father is no fun at all... for anyone involved...
I am in my second marriage 20+ years now.. and it has been rough at times.. actually the first 9 years were ... very tough... If someone had told me in 96 that we would still be together in 2010.. and not only together but actually in the same band.. and have a 13 year old son who would be singing too.. I would have told them they were nuts.. I actually wanted out.. but we are still together.... It is amazing how a woman will submit herself to a man who is willing to submit himself to a higher authority..
All I can say is if kids are involved think it through... That was one of the factors in me staying with my current wife.. we had a daughter.. who is now 19.. During the worst of it all she was 5-7 and I had done the weekend dad good time Charlie bit .. that's no fun.. and then when our son came along in 97.. I had to get my act together.. not that my wife was blameless.. she wasn't.. but I just believe that we as men have more control than we realize.. decisions you make today will have long term implications in their lives.. If there are no kids... and you have done all that you can do...
and she can't rip out your genitals through your wallet.. then perhaps that is the best thing.. but the material aspect of divorce in the absence of kids... is something I am totally unfamiliar with..
- Dec 28, 2009
- 2,053
- 1,380
- Disclosures
- Endorsed by K.B. Guitars, Nordstrand Audio Pickups, Von York Strings and Gallien-Krueger Amps.
I have never been divorced but all marriages are tough. I feel for those who have been divorced or have been in bad relationships. On a side note, as a pastor, I do free marital counseling. If any one ever needs to talk, don't hesitate to pm me and I will give you my phone number. If anyone does pm me, I am not one of these types to brow beat a person over the struggles in their marriage. My goal is to help and nothing more.
Thanks,
Jay
Thanks,
Jay
My first guitar teacher. He celebrated his 27th marriage anniversary a few days back.
You've lost your 'tar! Im devastated...
It isnt necessary, not at all. After my ex and I split I didnt want a relationship, and I never wanted to be married again. I was at a point to where I didnt even want to bother dating, none of that crap was worth my time. It was until I met someone who I really clicked with, better than I ever did anyone else, that I began to think maybe I was wrong. I got to know her and things just got better and better. I still dont know if we'll ever get married, its not really a concern for either of us, but we are happy living together and being each others' partners and best friends. And the sex is great.
Like I said, its absolutely not necessary. Had I not met this particular woman I would most likely still be single and happy.
I can honestly say it was the dumbest and stupidest thing that I personally ever did.. and I regret every minute of it. Your situation may differ, but I was a selfish uncaring musician with no regard for anyone's feelings or career but my own. the only good thing I can say is that getting "beat up" by life's adversities has made me a better person and more appreciative of what I had in my ex.
If you are sure it's the only way, then try to make it civil. I personally would marry my ex again in a heartbeat. I was at fault.. not her. A lesson to be learned.. and a hard one ta boot!
Good Luck
no, no it will be back! i forget that april fools day is also re-up day for me. i am at work and paypal is giving me grief. i will fix it when i get home from my early evening gig tonite.
no worries..
BIG +1. when you are not looking for it, that is when it happens, eh? definitely not necessary. and at this point, i don't think i would want anyone living with me while i finish raising my kids (only 8 yrs left, really). just where i am at now. i have learned that the future is unknown, tho, so we'll see.
just trying to enjoy my life and breathe. glad to know things are working for you, too.
I think it`s sad some guys are willing to stick with a marriage simply and only because of their kid. I can understand it, but at the same time I simply can`t. I don`t envy some of you guys at all.
if only life decisions were simple and black&white. parenthood is (or at least should be) selfless. you kids become your primary concern. there well being trumps your personal well being.
so,what is best for your kids? dear abby says that kids growing up with parents that clearly find life together miserable, wish their parents didn't stay together "for them."
in my case, we got along well. my kids did not see the separation coming at all. neither did i. she claimed that we fought a lot (kids said they didn't think so) and had a whole list for me (that was cruel and ugly, but as it turned out, she was just having an affair with my best friend and was looking to justify). however, since she has moved out, i have realized how stressed out i had been (as i stated above). i think i am a better parent now. i am short-tempered and that has not been good for my kids' upbringing. i am handling stress much better now.
conclusions? well, for my sanity, i choose this story: had she been able and willing to work on her and my personal issues, i think we could have had a good life together. but, she would have needed to be able to open herself up to me. we had just reached financial security, so the kids would have benefited from that a lot. now we are back making ends meet if we are lucky. but, i would only have been a healthier dad if i had felt healthy and happy in my marriage, which would have required a lot of therapy for each of us. i am doing the work. i don't believe she is, or would have been capable of it. so, i am better off. and in some ways that makes my kids better off in the long run. short term, they are not as happy. i don't think they get much when they are with their mom (remember, i am biased), tho i am glad to support them having a relationship with her (it is their mom, they HAVE to have a relationship with her).
we are in a time of transition, hopefully it will workout for the best. time will tell. actually, i would argue that whether or not "things work out for the best" is really a matter of how we all choose to make things work out. i am working for "the best." there is always a best possible outcome in any situation.
and i really like not having to deal with her idea of money handling (she doesn't). i may be on a super tite budget for years into the future, but it is under my control. i am more frugal and thoughtful then her (she agrees). and that is a breath of fresh air!
so,what is best for your kids? dear abby says that kids growing up with parents that clearly find life together miserable, wish their parents didn't stay together "for them."
in my case, we got along well. my kids did not see the separation coming at all. neither did i. she claimed that we fought a lot (kids said they didn't think so) and had a whole list for me (that was cruel and ugly, but as it turned out, she was just having an affair with my best friend and was looking to justify). however, since she has moved out, i have realized how stressed out i had been (as i stated above). i think i am a better parent now. i am short-tempered and that has not been good for my kids' upbringing. i am handling stress much better now.
conclusions? well, for my sanity, i choose this story: had she been able and willing to work on her and my personal issues, i think we could have had a good life together. but, she would have needed to be able to open herself up to me. we had just reached financial security, so the kids would have benefited from that a lot. now we are back making ends meet if we are lucky. but, i would only have been a healthier dad if i had felt healthy and happy in my marriage, which would have required a lot of therapy for each of us. i am doing the work. i don't believe she is, or would have been capable of it. so, i am better off. and in some ways that makes my kids better off in the long run. short term, they are not as happy. i don't think they get much when they are with their mom (remember, i am biased), tho i am glad to support them having a relationship with her (it is their mom, they HAVE to have a relationship with her).
we are in a time of transition, hopefully it will workout for the best. time will tell. actually, i would argue that whether or not "things work out for the best" is really a matter of how we all choose to make things work out. i am working for "the best." there is always a best possible outcome in any situation.
and i really like not having to deal with her idea of money handling (she doesn't). i may be on a super tite budget for years into the future, but it is under my control. i am more frugal and thoughtful then her (she agrees). and that is a breath of fresh air!
