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Male TBers (divorce)

#41
MatticusMania said:
I am divorced now, entirely initiated by me, and it was seriously the best thing I ever did. Your situation may be different, but I was tired of being married to a negative person who refused to get her crap together, who constantly argued with me over her insecurities, who tried to control every aspect of my life from what I wore to who I hung out with (hint: anyone but my friends) etc.

I couldnt do it anymore. I was miserable everyday, and she was the root of it all. The very next day after I left her (though adjusting to being alone) I felt a huge weight lifted from my shoulders and my life has improved tenfold since.

I am now with a beautiful woman who has all (if very few) of the good qualities of my ex plus many more, and none of the negative ones. We're extremely happy together, we live together (something my ex and I were never able to do because she was always spending money and refused to look for workk for a long time) I've reconnected with a lot of my friends, I have a new band, and my life is wholly positive now.

Seriously, the best thing I ever did. But like I said, your situation could be entirely different and YMMV.
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Wow, this was EXACTLY my experience. I'm still in the tedious process of filing, AND I have a 16month old son to think of.

After a year of putting up with a bad situation because of my son, I realized that being in a bad marriage and fighting all the time and in front of the kid is WORSE than a divorce. The Ex and I have LOT of work to do to repair our relationship and hopefully one day arrive at the friend stage, but it's already gotten a WHOLE lot better.

And, in return for all the pain and suffering I endured in that relationship, I've managed to find the love of my life in my new GF. As the song says, "I Was Made to Love Her". Things are looking up in 2010 and I hope they do for the OP, and all my down-trodden TB brethren as well.
 
#42
I initiated it and she prolonged the process. No kids. Married about 2 years. It sucked since she started talking to her a-hole friends and then began trying to get what she could out of me i.e. support etc. I told her to bring it on. Took way longer than necessary but it got done and I ended up with the house and the cats.

Remarried six years later... 3 sons, cool wife. All is good. We have our tense periods but I think that every marriage has their share of them.
 
#47
ElMon said:
Wow, this was EXACTLY my experience. I'm still in the tedious process of filing, AND I have a 16month old son to think of.
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Yes, the process is definitely tedious. I did my own divorce, no lawyers or anything. It cost me $350 and a duration of about 8 months (having to take time off work to go to court).
I used our courts self-help center. She had no $$$ to file a Response to my Petition, so she didnt have to pay her $350, but in the end I got to keep everything that was mine, as well as all of the community property that I had requested (the car she helped put a down payment on, the bed we bought, all the music gear we bought together, my bank accounts, my company stock, etc.)

We split in Sept. of 2008. I began filing in Mar. of 2009 and as of Nov. 5th 2009 our divorce was official.
 
#50
Geddyfleaharris said:
Some people get lucky and find that perfect special someone on the first go around but I would say that is the minority.
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No, they don't.

There is no "perfect special someone". Some people just have a hard time settling - and every relationship involves settling.

It the difference between "maximizers" (who consider every possible option) and "satisficers" (who look until they find an option that is good enough) as Psychologist Barry Schwartz would say.

"In Schwartz's view, it's better to settle for "good enough" most of the time. Lower expectations and fewer regrets will make people who settle happier. He believes considering every option is almost never necessary, and should be reserved for the most important life decisions. Ultimately, it's more important to maximize happiness than options."
 
#51
sandmangeck said:
nope. when a kid is involved, it changes the game. im in that situation. thankfully, me and the mrs. are on opposite schedules ( me working 730pm-4am) (her going to school 10am-5, sometime7 pm) were like single parents that live toghether. except i pay all the bills and debt while she goes to college. i couldn't stand the thought of not seeing my daughter everyday. and im sure most of you fathers feel the same way about your children.
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seems to be a lot of these kinds of relationships now' days.....i know a few guys who actually knew they would not want to stay with the women long but wanted kids.....so they had them anyway.....with women who they barely tolerate......boggles the mind
 
#52
Jim Campbell said:
seems to be a lot of these kinds of relationships now' days.....i know a few guys who actually knew they would not want to stay with the women long but wanted kids.....so they had them anyway.....with women who they barely tolerate......boggles the mind
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Our ex-roommate, and my gf's ex-best friend, is sort of like this. She has a 4 year old kid, one that she hardly acknowledges, let alone raises properly. My gf and I were almost like his best friends, he couldnt wait for us to get home so he would have someone to play with. This woman has left every man she's ever been with after getting tired of their ****. She continuously dates the same kind of person trying for some sort of stability. A year ago she started dating the same kind of guy, and intentionally let him get her pregnant. Why? So that her 4 year old would have someone to play with. So, now she has 2 kids she won't pay attention to (she admits to not liking kids) and will most likely leave the guy she's with now in 6 - 12 months. :rollno::scowl:
 
#54
ZoomBoy said:
This just bums me out. Seriously. Breaks my heart to hear stuff like this....

Jeff
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Tell me about it. Try living right in the middle of it. And you know you dont dare tell a mother how to raise their child, especially someone as confrontational as she was.

The poor kid... he ate McD's for breakfast almost everyday, Taco Bell for dinner at least 3 times a week... his mother NEVER cooked for him unless it was some prepackaged crap like Ramen... and the worst part was, there really wasnt anything I could do about it. I'd offer the kid real food whenever we cooked but he'd always turn it down.

I would get home from work, his Mom & her bf would be on the couch watching TV, the kid by himself at the dining table playing alone with his toys. He would get so excited whenever my gf or I came home. "Hey Matt, Hey Keighley, you wanna play?" At some point he became interested in video games. We have a modded Xbox and play alot of Super Mario Bros. 3, he loved playing that with us. His mom asked where she could get one so she could keep him entertained...

Sadly they just moved out last week and now he doesnt have anyone to play with at home. Luckily he's going to pre-school now where they feed him a proper meal and he has other kids to play with.
 
#55
MatticusMania said:
Tell me about it. Try living right in the middle of it. And you know you dont dare tell a mother how to raise their child, especially someone as confrontational as she was.

The poor kid... he ate McD's for breakfast almost everyday, Taco Bell for dinner at least 3 times a week... his mother NEVER cooked for him unless it was some prepackaged crap like Ramen... and the worst part was, there really wasnt anything I could do about it. I'd offer the kid real food whenever we cooked but he'd always turn it down.

I would get home from work, his Mom & her bf would be on the couch watching TV, the kid by himself at the dining table playing alone with his toys. He would get so excited whenever my gf or I came home. "Hey Matt, Hey Keighley, you wanna play?" At some point he became interested in video games. We have a modded Xbox and play alot of Super Mario Bros. 3, he loved playing that with us. His mom asked where she could get one so she could keep him entertained...

Sadly they just moved out last week and now he doesnt have anyone to play with at home. Luckily he's going to pre-school now where they feed him a proper meal and he has other kids to play with.
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Sounds like a call to DSS is now in order...that is neglect IMO. Sadly there are many children out there who are treated the same if not worse.
 
#56
ZoomBoy said:
Sounds like a call to DSS is now in order...that is neglect IMO. Sadly there are many children out there who are treated the same if not worse.
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I wouldnt know what to say, and I dont know where they live now, just somewhere in Pasadena. And I might have demonized her a little more, as I dont really care for her and especially not her POS boyfriend, though everything I said was absolutely true.

My gf is upset about them leaving, it was on bad terms, and not because of them really, but their kid. She was like family to him, a really cool aunt, his best grown-up friend really. And because their leave was on bad terms shes afraid she might not get a chance to see him again, at least not anytime soon.
 
#57
Geddyfleaharris said:
In marriage number 2. I initiated divorce #1. Not sure how long this one will last honestly. She has turned into a very negatve person. It gets tough dealing with that on an everyday basis. I refuse to stay in a situation that is not any fun just for the sake of tryng to save the institution of marriage. You only get one life. You have to look out for yourself.

On a side note I really believe the institution of marriage has changed from 20, 30, 50 years ago. The world moves too fast and is too accessible now. Too many oportunities to meet new people. Why be miserable for the sake of an institution? Some people get lucky and find that perfect special someone on the first go around but I would say that is the minority. I think a lot of us know of grandparents who hated each other for 90% of their marriage but stayed together miserable in separate beds because that was what was expected. IMO those days are gone. And that certainly won't be me. It might be selfish but I only get one life and I alone am responsible for making the best of it.

P.S. I have no kids from either marriage. 2 step-kids in marriage # 2 but they were both in their teens. Having kids does play a role and does make things harder during a split. Doesn't mean that the split shouldn't happen because kids pick up on all the negativity if the marriage is on the rocks.

P.S.S. I am sure if 90% of the women in the world saw my post I would be burned at a stake. :hiding:
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I don't know about the other 90%, but being female, I have to say I completely agree with everything you said! I was in a long-term relationship with someone who could be very negative indeed and it was a real drag. My current relationship is going into its 4th year and I've honestly never been happier. So getting out of a bad situation and finding one that really works for you is well worth it, IMO, even if there are kids involved. My bf and his ex have a daughter together and they're very good friends. So it doesn't always always have to be a nightmare if both parties can be mature about it and focus on what's important.
 
#58
Time Monkey said:
Ya know...

I've noticed that society, even if it is meant as a joke, is all about keeping women happy.

My step-dad was always worried about my mom being happy.

There is even a country song... "If mama ain't happy ain't nobody happy, so papas gonna make mama happy tonight."


Its been thousands of years... How much longer are we going to put up with women being negative, insecure, nagging b*****s?
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Hear, hear! And not just women. People in general need to get some awareness of how their moods, behaviour, tone of voice, choice of words affect the people around them. It is simply not acceptable to take out your mood on someone else or to expect others to make you happy all the time. We all have a responsibility to be kind and considerate of others, especially those we live with. I can't tell you how many people I know (and as a woman, I'm embarrassed to admit that the vast majority of these folks are also women) who complain about every little thing. No matter what's going on, it seems they always something to whine about. While I'm sympathetic to folks who suffer from depression, I also can't help feeling that some people just wallow in self-pity. Time for those folks to grow the heck up and realize that the world does not owe them anything!
 
#60
It's been a while since I posted... I just got busy and to be honest forgot for a while that I had posted this. I really appreciate everyone's thoughts. It is cool to hear that there is a lot of marital struggle out there in the sense that I/we are not alone.

Like sandmangeck posted, it would be close to impossible for me not to see my little girl (2 years old next month) every day so the struggle continues. As mentioned though the thought of being alone, not lonely is enticing. I am not sure what will happen long term. I suppose I will know when I know.
 

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