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Male TBers (divorce)

#21
I got married when I was 22 and my wife was 19 so it didn't take us long to figure out we didn't get along very well. We vowed to stay married because we had a daughter together but after ten years of marriage she had had enough of being unhappy and left. She took up with another guy and left me with our 8 year old daughter.

After she left, we actually got along pretty well and we had an amicable divorce - which I ended up filing - with no arguing over stupid stuff. We've had a good relationship ever since and we see each other at least once a week so our daughter can spend time with both of us (she lives with me but spends more time with her mother during the summer). I think our divorce was a good thing and I consider both my ex-wife and her now husband to be something almost like friends.


BUT . . . . every divorce is difficult for the kids and our daughter went from being a very happy and ambitious child while my wife and I were married to being often unhappy and lacking the desire to do well in school or to even be respectful of others. She openly resents our decision to divorce, is bitter about the current situation and she has become very adept at manipulating her mother and me in order to get what she wants - even if what she wants isn't the right thing. This will sound familiar to just about anyone who has gone through a divorce with children involved. Whether or not the divorce is the best thing, the kids almost always have problems of some kind and being bounced back and forth between two homes several times a month is never good for a child's sense of stability.
 
#22
bluewine said:
At first I was ticked off, after about a year, I realized I never liked being married, I like being single.That marriage stuff ain't for me.
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aaaaaaaaaaaamen to that.....took me a few years of having no life outside of catering to a boxful of spoiled brats.....it's never the way they tell you its going to be and it seems that only half the guys that get married stay married......being alone and being lonely are very different things.....
 
#23
hbarcat said:
Whether or not the divorce is the best thing, the kids almost always have problems of some kind and being bounced back and forth between two homes several times a month is never good for a child's sense of stability.
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This is very situation dependent. My parents were separated when I was 4 or 5 and divorced soon after. It took some adjusting but IMO my life, as well as theirs, has been better for it.
 
#25
john turner said:
wow. as someone who has lost a child, i consider that comment to be pretty mind boggling.
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I, too, have lost a child but I dont take offence (nor is my mind [del]bottled[/del] boggled) by that comment.
Ive seen some people with absolutely wonderful children, even if their parents are really cut out for parenting, and then Ive seen some people with absolute hellions ofr children, making no attempt to tame them.
I'm assuming the children (or maybe his ex) was of the latter sort.
 
#26
john turner said:
wow. as someone who has lost a child, i consider that comment to be pretty mind boggling.
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sorry to hear about your loss.....

growing up nearly everyone i knew had lost family in ww2,and it was common for school friends to have siblings that were lost,or crippled from polio etc.......

i guess i am from a time when parents were more old school......the kids were hers from another marriage,but spoiled brats is actually an understatement....

i know that it's fashionable for parents to treat their kids as if they were the second coming,but i don't subscribe to that.....we have lowered the bar on what we expect from kids these days that they get prizes for merely showing up,and i think that this new age parenting does them and us no favors...
 
#27
As far as the question posed by the OP, divorce is never easy. And as others have said, it is very difficult if there are kids involved. But, it is really a question of what your alternative is.

I think that many/most issues in a marriage can be worked through with enough time, patience, understanding, and qualified counseling if needed. This is assuming that both parties want to put in the effort. One spouse cannot do it alone and nothing says that you have to want to work through it.

The one thing that I believe cannot be worked through is infidelity. I have seen this up close with both a family member and a close friend. There are a number of web sites out there with strategies for how to survive it, by my conclusion from what I have seen is that once the trust/honesty is gone, it never comes back. There is no point in spending your life wondering what the truth is.
 
#28
Jim Campbell said:
the kids were hers from another marriage,but spoiled brats is actually an understatement....
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oh, say no more, i thought you were talking about your own kids. i can definitely understand what you're saying there then.

i mean, i can understand marriages going wrong (even really really wrong, where you're left wondering -what the heck was i on?-) but i can't really imagine lumping one's own kids into that sentiment.
 
#29
john turner said:
oh, say no more, i thought you were talking about your own kids. i can definitely understand what you're saying there then.

i mean, i can understand marriages going wrong (even really really wrong, where you're left wondering -what the heck was i on?-) but i can't really imagine lumping one's own kids into that sentiment.
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i don't how i'd be if my own were to somehow wind up that way.....but i guess i'll never know....and i did try to accept them as mine......
 
#30
The only thing that kept my marriage together MANY times is our son. Marriage is tough.

I've learned I pretty well have to treat as if it were a game.

"Put your game face on" and all that.

Things seem to be getting better though. Its taken me 13 years to figure out the best "strategies" to keep her "happy".
 
#32
divorce sucks... the process of it...

the bliss I enjoy everyday as the result is fantastic!

As others have said there is a difference in being alone or being lonely.

I was married twice ...divorced twice... TO THE SAME WOMAN ! I would take an ass beating of certain death before I would ever live with her again.

She was never happy for more than a few months at a time... I took care of everybody and she took 18 years to find a job ,that lasted more than a few weeks or months ,which was right before she decided to move out ... and date a guy who live two blocks away...(no she doesn't live by me)

I realize now how miserable I was with her ... she wouldn't work , loved to spend, loved to bitch about everything she could find wrong with me to my face and her entire family.

She hated my music , she hated my job, she hated my dad,she hated the way i did everything... she hated hated hated...

She moved out , I filed immediately while she was still playing the 40+ year old bar hag in the college bars... I kept the house , all my gear , my pensions and two of my three kids. weird split custody deal , all the kids stay together , either at my house or hers... We actually tolerate each other pretty well now .

I am pretty damn happy ! I have a wonderful GF who i can laugh , love and argue with and we both love it all!

life is to short to live like crap
 
#33
Jim Campbell said:
sorry to hear about your loss.....

i know that it's fashionable for parents to treat their kids as if they were the second coming,but i don't subscribe to that.....we have lowered the bar on what we expect from kids these days that they get prizes for merely showing up,and i think that this new age parenting does them and us no favors...
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+1 Very astute comments!
 
#34
Ya know...

I've noticed that society, even if it is meant as a joke, is all about keeping women happy.

My step-dad was always worried about my mom being happy.

There is even a country song... "If mama ain't happy ain't nobody happy, so papas gonna make mama happy tonight."


Its been thousands of years... How much longer are we going to put up with women being negative, insecure, nagging b*****s?
 
#38
nope. when a kid is involved, it changes the game. im in that situation. thankfully, me and the mrs. are on opposite schedules ( me working 730pm-4am) (her going to school 10am-5, sometime7 pm) were like single parents that live toghether. except i pay all the bills and debt while she goes to college. i couldn't stand the thought of not seeing my daughter everyday. and im sure most of you fathers feel the same way about your children.
 

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