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Marriage and significant other relationships

#61
Solipsistik said:
I went 24.5 years in my first. One day I realised just how miserable and pissed-off I was every single @#$& day and for a change I snapped back and yelled at her. My first time every getting that angry with her. I realised right then that it couldn't go on, there were numerous problems and dark thoughts were on my mind far too often.
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At the end of my first I had the same miserable and pissed-off ALL the time feelings. It was at 13 years.
Not sure what your dark thoughts were.
I didn't talk about this for years but the older I get it has become therapeutic. My ex and my then 4 year old daughter went shopping one Saturday morning. I sat on the floor by the bed with my S&W .38 Special in hand. In the end the thing that kept me from using it was the fear that my daughter would be the first in the room. So instead I went to the garage and got a couple lawn trash bags and started packing my stuff.
 
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#63
Mrs. slo and I probablywent two years without a fight. I was just so happy for some affection that everything she did was good with me. That did wear off, and things started getting to me. Eventually I realizes it was unhealthy to avoid confrontation. The first time I confronted her I yelled "SHUT UP", not the best response and I don't recommend it. After being together for 45 years we still have disagreements but if we do fight it is always very short lived. We both met in a recovery meeting and had a lot of things going against from the start but we are still happily married.
 
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#65
More from me. Been married 44 years 😵‍💫 We met in college. We have had our ups and downs. Never had a lot of money. Tried all my working career to advance, same company, other companies, etc. nothing significant ever happened. So we live frugal. Lots of forgiveness, love thru good and bad times. Wife has been OK with my long time bass journey. Majority of bass stuff has not came out of our home accounts. We give each other space, I struggle giving her space than she does me. She has enough family issues on her side to keep her occupied. I don't do late night gigs any longer. We still do good.
 
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#66
Solipsistik said:
I went 24.5 years in my first. One day I realised just how miserable and pissed-off I was every single @#$& day and for a change I snapped back and yelled at her. My first time every getting that angry with her. I realised right then that it couldn't go on, there were numerous problems and dark thoughts were on my mind far too often.

We were adults about the separation agreements. We still own some things together and mostly get along. She is very hurt by it all, I was her first ever relationship, and that's what kept me there in the relationship for nearly 10 years, knowing how much it would hurt her. In the end, I should have walked out the door at least 5 years earlier but ...

... now I have a wife who I mostly get along with. Her only real complaint about me is that when I say no, I mean it. Her household was, in my opinion, far too empathetic (4 sisters might do that) and there are things which you simply don't do. For instance, don't buy our overweight, disabled (step)daughter a full-fat caramel latte when she asks you to. Say no, and mean it. I have no trouble with that, and have been known to tell her exactly why, which makes me a jerk sometimes, apparently. It's all paying dividends, though, because my wife sees that I simply don't get asked to do these things because the answer is already known. Confrontation has become unnecessary for me.

I guess the point is, communicate, even if it isn't what the other wants to hear.
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We learn from every relationship. Sometimes we just don't listen to ourselves, and repeat the same mistake over and over again. I had a "type," and I followed my "radar" from one model to the next. Results were the same, infatuation followed by disappointment. I finally realized my "type" was the problem. Turned off the "radar," met a woman who I really enjoyed, though she wasn't my type. We've been happy together for 26 years.

It's like picking up basses because you find them attractive but for some reason they don't fit you and you cannot play them. You don't feel the same attraction to the bass you play well, for some reason. So you spend more money for that thrill and in the end either suck or go back to the one you can play well.
 
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#67
BassicJazzy said:
It's like picking up basses because you find them attractive but for some reason they don't fit you and you cannot play them. You don't feel the same attraction to the bass you play well, for some reason. So you spend more money for that thrill and in the end either suck or go back to the one you can play well.
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It's not quite that bad, but I'm determined to play the hell out of my new 5-string bass after 18 years as a 4-string player. And not just as a 4 string bass with an extra string. I'm stubborn that way, :laugh:
 
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#71
BassicJazzy said:
Turned off the "radar," met a woman who I really enjoyed, though she wasn't my type. We've been happy together for 26
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That is good. Me & my wife have similarities, food, music, spiritual, (spent many years on same praise teams, singing/playing) etc. but personalities are different. I am more laid back when not working, she is more "tense". I am a "they will figure it out" type of person while she tries to "figure it out"
 
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#72
SoonerBill said:
At the end of my first I had the same miserable and pissed-off ALL the time feelings. It was at 13 years.
Not sure what your dark thoughts were.
I didn't talk about this for years but the older I get it has become therapeutic. My ex and my then 4 year old daughter went shopping one Saturday morning. I sat on the floor by the bed with my S&W .38 Special in hand. In the end the thing that kept me from using it was the fear that my daughter would be the first in the room. So instead I went to the garage and got a couple lawn trash bags and started packing my stuff.
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Definitely glad you didn't take the Remington retirement plan
 
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#73
The idea that opposites attract applies only to affairs where it can actually be a major advantage. In the long run, however, a relationship only works if you agree on fundamental matters, share compatible goals, have the same sense of humor, and come from a similar socio-economic background.

I find some of the posts here truly baffling. I would never enter into a relationship with a woman with whom I couldn't talk about absolutely everything or one I felt I had to lie to just to avoid conflict. Those are major red flags indicating that she is the wrong woman.
 
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#74
Old Blastard said:
she said "it's not your job to make me happy. That's why I have a horse."
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#78
ra0ulduke said:
The idea that opposites attract applies only to affairs where it can actually be a major advantage. In the long run, however, a relationship only works if you agree on fundamental matters, share compatible goals, have the same sense of humor, and come from a similar socio-economic background.

I find some of the posts here truly baffling. I would never enter into a relationship with a woman with whom I couldn't talk about absolutely everything or one I felt I had to lie to just to avoid conflict. Those are major red flags indicating that she is the wrong woman.
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If it were perfect science, there would be no divorce. People end up together for all sorts of reasons
 
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#79
SoonerBill said:
Maybe we don't.
I still remember getting dumped the first time. I remember where and exactly what she said. And my thinking right after of all these things I should have done and said. And that was in 8th grade!
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I remember the things said at that final moment, but I found an old journal that covered the time leading up. I'd written down some things that were said earlier that I'd forgotten, and reading them back I thought "they said what!?" It turns out, they were not a kind person, and I didn't see it at the time. Getting dumped was the better outcome.

It still feels like poopie though.
 
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#80
Camaro69 said:
Definitely glad you didn't take the Remington retirement plan
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Me too!
I'll add. After that the second was a big rebound mistake. The third, current for 29 years and forever I wouldn't trade for the world. Our life together is great. Ups and downs yeah. But still great.
Oddly she's the little sister of one of my best friends since 9th grade.
 
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