What did you do to make her think you'll screw around? Or is she properly insane?
Or is she upset just because she'll miss you?
Or is she upset just because she'll miss you?
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Need advice from touring guys with girlfriends...
- Thread starter Kermin VH
- Start date
Woman's point of view.
She won't "let" you go on tour or she'll leave? I'd be single really quickly.
Regardless of what "stage" a relationship is in, if she doesn't trust you enough for you to be apart for three weeks then why is she with you?
My current bf (and a few others) is a musician. If his band were to go on tour, I'd help him pack. There are such things as cell phones, pay phones, skype, emails, text messages, etc to keep in touch.
That being said-there are a few situations I can see when a significant other would be right to put the foot down. A) tour = loss of income that can't be made up and will cause serious financial issues. B) tour=SO has to do ALL the work of getting kids/elderly parents to/from appts and such and works full time with no outside help. C) SO is battling a serious illness and needs the help.
Boils down to responsibilities. But if it's a matter of "I don't want you to go" then, go. And be single. And wait. There are other choices out there who understand a musician does things like tours/plays till 2am/plays all weekend/locks self in studio for three days.
She won't "let" you go on tour or she'll leave? I'd be single really quickly.
Regardless of what "stage" a relationship is in, if she doesn't trust you enough for you to be apart for three weeks then why is she with you?
My current bf (and a few others) is a musician. If his band were to go on tour, I'd help him pack. There are such things as cell phones, pay phones, skype, emails, text messages, etc to keep in touch.
That being said-there are a few situations I can see when a significant other would be right to put the foot down. A) tour = loss of income that can't be made up and will cause serious financial issues. B) tour=SO has to do ALL the work of getting kids/elderly parents to/from appts and such and works full time with no outside help. C) SO is battling a serious illness and needs the help.
Boils down to responsibilities. But if it's a matter of "I don't want you to go" then, go. And be single. And wait. There are other choices out there who understand a musician does things like tours/plays till 2am/plays all weekend/locks self in studio for three days.
Friend of mine is on tour with a major artist.
He nicknames his girlfriends after the city he met them in.
"Flint is just crazy, man". That sort of thing.
Is that what you were looking for?
She maybe is looking for more security and stability than a touring musician provides. It may not be exclusively based on trusting you with other girls on tour.
Randy
He nicknames his girlfriends after the city he met them in.
"Flint is just crazy, man". That sort of thing.
Is that what you were looking for?
She maybe is looking for more security and stability than a touring musician provides. It may not be exclusively based on trusting you with other girls on tour.
Randy
Hmmm , lets see.
I have been divorced twice.A multitude of failed relationships since 1997.And the woman I had been dating for a year(I took the she's always right and I'm wrong about anything and everything, flowers every week aproach) and she left me a few weeks ago.
I have never met a women that could give a *&^& about where I've been or where I'm going.
I have no advice for you.
Right now at 58 I'm in a cool working Pop Rock band it's going to be "hate sex" with cocktail waitresses for me for a while.
I guess I'm not relationship material.
I have been divorced twice.A multitude of failed relationships since 1997.And the woman I had been dating for a year(I took the she's always right and I'm wrong about anything and everything, flowers every week aproach) and she left me a few weeks ago.
I have never met a women that could give a *&^& about where I've been or where I'm going.
I have no advice for you.
Right now at 58 I'm in a cool working Pop Rock band it's going to be "hate sex" with cocktail waitresses for me for a while.
I guess I'm not relationship material.
Ultimatum = BIG RED FLAG
Ultimatums are bad, plain and simple.
They leave no room for either party to have reasonable discussion/negotiation. If your SO is constantly giving you ultimatums it will only end badly, even if that is sticking it out with her to your grave after giving up the part of your soul that is music.
My wife and I vehemently disagree on where we will retire to, but we will come to a compromise/agreement at some point.
As for the music... It is possible to have it all work out. I'm entering my mid-40s now and took up music/bass AFTER I was already married. My wife fully supports my late-in-life music aspirations and while I've not been on week long tours, I've played "out of town" gigs numerous times just as she's had her overseas work assignments. We chose to NOT have kids, but we have two cats and a dog that need taking care of when either of us (or both of us) is away.
Communication
Compromise
Negotitation
I went on a six week bike tour and found my own temp replacement that my employer agreed to. No loss of vacation time, just didn't make any money for those six weeks. Maybe you can find a replacement mechanic for yourself for this tour.
If she loves you, she'll drop the ultimatum, and you'll work it out. If not, whether you tour or not I'd advise finding a SO that doesn't give ultimatums.
Ultimatums are bad, plain and simple.
They leave no room for either party to have reasonable discussion/negotiation. If your SO is constantly giving you ultimatums it will only end badly, even if that is sticking it out with her to your grave after giving up the part of your soul that is music.
My wife and I vehemently disagree on where we will retire to, but we will come to a compromise/agreement at some point.
As for the music... It is possible to have it all work out. I'm entering my mid-40s now and took up music/bass AFTER I was already married. My wife fully supports my late-in-life music aspirations and while I've not been on week long tours, I've played "out of town" gigs numerous times just as she's had her overseas work assignments. We chose to NOT have kids, but we have two cats and a dog that need taking care of when either of us (or both of us) is away.
Communication
Compromise
Negotitation
I went on a six week bike tour and found my own temp replacement that my employer agreed to. No loss of vacation time, just didn't make any money for those six weeks. Maybe you can find a replacement mechanic for yourself for this tour.
If she loves you, she'll drop the ultimatum, and you'll work it out. If not, whether you tour or not I'd advise finding a SO that doesn't give ultimatums.
But did she (or you) get on other people's nerves? ;-P
Lol, not at all actually. I may have stated an exageration, however. The only people that really got on anyone's nerves was our Keys player and his girlfriend, who spent all of Saturday arguing, which turned into a drama fuelled fight ending in broken car parts. There was some tension between our drummer & guitarist over a lady related matter back at home, but they managed to stay civil on the road. We've kinda been on a self imposed hiatus ever since.
Kermin, 28 is YOUNG. NOW is your time to do the tour thing, before kids and kareer REALLY tie you down.
You don't want to lose her, but it sounds like she's got trust issues she needs to lose -- as has been said before, THAT is the larger issue.
A lot of good suggestions in this thread that can help you both get through it.
Do the tour.
can you bring her with you?
trust may not be the real issue. she might be insecure. you know her better than i. what can you do to make her feel secure about you going?
trust may not be the real issue. she might be insecure. you know her better than i. what can you do to make her feel secure about you going?
Here's how I see it...
You have to decide if this is really the girl for you. It's actually good that you would ask this question to a bunch of people you don't know because you'll get an honest answer. The first thing I've noticed is you mention it causes a heated argument. To me, this is bad right away. First, it definitely shows that your girl isn't willing to sit and talk with you to listen to what you have to say. The ultimatum is essentially a childish way to try to get you to do what she wants. What does it say about her that she could just leave you at the drop of a hat. Obviously there are some jealousy issues, I don't think anyone will debate that. Really, you need to ask yourself if this is REALLY someone you can see spending your life with, or is it just something that will fall apart at some point anyways. From my experience girls that act like this about guys in bands are usually a handful about alot of other stuff as well. I can't help but wonder what would happen if say you had to go away for a week or two for work? Would she then have a problem with it? If it's JUST the band then unfortunately that is something that's never going to change and you'll have problems as long as you play. Is that really what you'd want?
I've been in this situation. I wasn't even touring or anything like that but she hated me just PLAYING in a band. For her, I gave it up. I was miserable. Our relationship fell apart anyways because she wasn't the one for me, obviously.
Now, I play all the time and my wife is all about it. We can even joke about the girls that hit on me or talk to me at shows. She knows I love her and would never do anything to compromise that. We have trust. Without it there isn't anything in a relationship.
Now, if I was to tour I honestly don't know how she would react. What I do know is we would have a discussion about it and decide what was best for us both. She would never yell at me or threaten to leave me. And quite honestly, because of how I feel about her I would never even think twice to NOT do it if she wasn't happy about it.
You've really got to figure out whats realistically best for you. Is it worth giving up something you aspire to do for someone who might not be "the one"? I wish you luck, you are definitely not in an fun position.
You have to decide if this is really the girl for you. It's actually good that you would ask this question to a bunch of people you don't know because you'll get an honest answer. The first thing I've noticed is you mention it causes a heated argument. To me, this is bad right away. First, it definitely shows that your girl isn't willing to sit and talk with you to listen to what you have to say. The ultimatum is essentially a childish way to try to get you to do what she wants. What does it say about her that she could just leave you at the drop of a hat. Obviously there are some jealousy issues, I don't think anyone will debate that. Really, you need to ask yourself if this is REALLY someone you can see spending your life with, or is it just something that will fall apart at some point anyways. From my experience girls that act like this about guys in bands are usually a handful about alot of other stuff as well. I can't help but wonder what would happen if say you had to go away for a week or two for work? Would she then have a problem with it? If it's JUST the band then unfortunately that is something that's never going to change and you'll have problems as long as you play. Is that really what you'd want?
I've been in this situation. I wasn't even touring or anything like that but she hated me just PLAYING in a band. For her, I gave it up. I was miserable. Our relationship fell apart anyways because she wasn't the one for me, obviously.
Now, I play all the time and my wife is all about it. We can even joke about the girls that hit on me or talk to me at shows. She knows I love her and would never do anything to compromise that. We have trust. Without it there isn't anything in a relationship.
Now, if I was to tour I honestly don't know how she would react. What I do know is we would have a discussion about it and decide what was best for us both. She would never yell at me or threaten to leave me. And quite honestly, because of how I feel about her I would never even think twice to NOT do it if she wasn't happy about it.
You've really got to figure out whats realistically best for you. Is it worth giving up something you aspire to do for someone who might not be "the one"? I wish you luck, you are definitely not in an fun position.
Allow me to expand the metaphor: if you have none of them, the ice has frozen up again above you.
Even Lamb of God figures it out. Yes, a metal band with *gasp* wives!!! And they are in their 40's! Where there is a will, there is a way. If my girlfriend wasn't on board with me trying to make a name for myself in music, touring and all, I would kindly show her the door, no hard feelings. She knows what I am trying to do, and admits it will be hard, but we have been together for 4 years now (not married) with no major issues. We know we can make anything work, and that would just be another hurdle. I had a girlfriend that sounds similar to your situation. 3 years, on and off. I left her, and instead of crying over the breakup, I smiled while telling her it was done. Sick? Maybe. But do you want that to be your story?
When a significant other starts throwing out ultimatums, you've discovered how far they will go to control you.
If you stay with someone like that, whenever they disagree with you on anything, out will come an ultimatum.
This will become a regular thing in one way or another.
If you do stay together, how do you think she will attempt to discipline your kids(if you have kids)? Ultimatums will be flowing like a river.
Seems to me she's jealous and controlling...signs of Borderline Personality. See my post here: http://www.talkbass.com/forum/f67/why-bands-most-dont-last-long-post-508963/
I think if you take a look at how she makes decisions in other areas or how she relates to her family, friends, co-workers, you might discover that she attempts to control situations by emotionally confronting people. Or maybe here relatives have similar personalities.
Usually this behavior won't change and you'll end up breaking up sooner or later because you can't negotiate with someone like that.
IME,IMO, it's time to review your whole relationship. Let's say: discuss how many kids, where you will live, who will control the money, who will make the final decision if you can't agree on something, etc.
Pre-marriage counseling may be helpful, if she'll go. If you suggest it, see how she reacts. If you decide to go on your own, see how she reacts. Seems to me that she may have a problem with you doing anything on your own,especially if she disapproves of it and you refuse to concede.
IME, it's not a very promising situation. It is good for you that she has shown her true colors so you can move on, should you choose to.
Good luck.
Update: Another massive thread on the topic http://www.talkbass.com/forum/f67/girl-band-618638/
(sorry if it's been posted already).
If you stay with someone like that, whenever they disagree with you on anything, out will come an ultimatum.
This will become a regular thing in one way or another.
If you do stay together, how do you think she will attempt to discipline your kids(if you have kids)? Ultimatums will be flowing like a river.
Seems to me she's jealous and controlling...signs of Borderline Personality. See my post here: http://www.talkbass.com/forum/f67/why-bands-most-dont-last-long-post-508963/
I think if you take a look at how she makes decisions in other areas or how she relates to her family, friends, co-workers, you might discover that she attempts to control situations by emotionally confronting people. Or maybe here relatives have similar personalities.
Usually this behavior won't change and you'll end up breaking up sooner or later because you can't negotiate with someone like that.
IME,IMO, it's time to review your whole relationship. Let's say: discuss how many kids, where you will live, who will control the money, who will make the final decision if you can't agree on something, etc.
Pre-marriage counseling may be helpful, if she'll go. If you suggest it, see how she reacts. If you decide to go on your own, see how she reacts. Seems to me that she may have a problem with you doing anything on your own,especially if she disapproves of it and you refuse to concede.
IME, it's not a very promising situation. It is good for you that she has shown her true colors so you can move on, should you choose to.
Good luck.
Update: Another massive thread on the topic http://www.talkbass.com/forum/f67/girl-band-618638/
(sorry if it's been posted already).
Don't go on "tour" if it doesn't pay at least as much as your day job, after expenses. If you bring home 600 per week now then you need to bring home 600 per week from the road. That is not asking a lot. With minimal management and some level of label support, any band can do that for each of its members. If you are 28 and considering "breaking even" on the road, then this is just a hobby and I agree with your chick and a few of the previous posters ..... Sell your rig and marry the girl. She obviously cares about you and thinks you are husband material.
BTW .. 28 y/o, married almost 4 years, produce 15 to 20 records per year and play around 150 shows (home and "on tour")
BTW .. 28 y/o, married almost 4 years, produce 15 to 20 records per year and play around 150 shows (home and "on tour")
Wow, that sound really mean now that I read it. What I am trying to say is that a good woman is better than a hobby any day of the week. Sorry to come off as an a%$ hole. ..... hiding.
That dosent make her Wife Material.. What a great idea, sell off your passion and allow some chick to control you the rest of your life because your PASSION dosent earn enough income to keep Barbie Happy.... But just wait, give up everything and she will ask for more, do this or i'll leave, it'yll never end. My God, if I was told that, i'd point to the door and say one word "Get".
Here, I think, is the key fact out of this thread, which almost nobody has focused upon:
As I recall, the way things sit now, your band is not in a position to tour; you're talking about trying to tour. You figure you can go for three weeks. Think about this: so what then? Are you going to be able to go back out for another three weeks, just "breaking even", to follow up on whatever buzz you may build? If not, why tour in the first place? Just to say you've done it? Sorry, but it really looks like that's what you're doing. I think it's telling that your girlfriend equates it with a vacation---that is mostly what it's like. Doing one three week tour is a vanity project, it's Rock Star Camp.
But since you've said you'll only tour if you can at least break even, odds are this tour will never happen. Probably not one band in a hundred breaks even on an initial reputation-building tour nowadays. So, you're injecting stress into your relationship with your girlfriend about something that doesn't even exist.
When and if you get to the point where it makes economic sense to tour, and thus you could make a solid case that it is a good idea from a career perspective for you to do it, THEN you should have that conversation. And I suspect she'd take the idea a lot more seriously. But now, it's pie in the sky. It looks like you're trying to get pre-approval to go waste a bunch of time and money with your bandmates, and she's not getting anything out of it. I think she's got a pretty compelling argument that it's selfish on your part.
If music is your life and you want more than anything else to do music as an artistic outlet, then by all means pursue that. But, a three-week tour in a van, the way things are currently, is not necessarily a good way to follow that dream. You'll probably lose money (whatever the projections), and if you can't follow up regularly in the places you visit, it won't do the band much if any good. So why put your relationship at risk over THAT?
As I recall, the way things sit now, your band is not in a position to tour; you're talking about trying to tour. You figure you can go for three weeks. Think about this: so what then? Are you going to be able to go back out for another three weeks, just "breaking even", to follow up on whatever buzz you may build? If not, why tour in the first place? Just to say you've done it? Sorry, but it really looks like that's what you're doing. I think it's telling that your girlfriend equates it with a vacation---that is mostly what it's like. Doing one three week tour is a vanity project, it's Rock Star Camp.
But since you've said you'll only tour if you can at least break even, odds are this tour will never happen. Probably not one band in a hundred breaks even on an initial reputation-building tour nowadays. So, you're injecting stress into your relationship with your girlfriend about something that doesn't even exist.
When and if you get to the point where it makes economic sense to tour, and thus you could make a solid case that it is a good idea from a career perspective for you to do it, THEN you should have that conversation. And I suspect she'd take the idea a lot more seriously. But now, it's pie in the sky. It looks like you're trying to get pre-approval to go waste a bunch of time and money with your bandmates, and she's not getting anything out of it. I think she's got a pretty compelling argument that it's selfish on your part.
If music is your life and you want more than anything else to do music as an artistic outlet, then by all means pursue that. But, a three-week tour in a van, the way things are currently, is not necessarily a good way to follow that dream. You'll probably lose money (whatever the projections), and if you can't follow up regularly in the places you visit, it won't do the band much if any good. So why put your relationship at risk over THAT?
Would like to give you advice, but if your going to tie my hands this way...
Look, you are not a kid and neither is she. Relationships are built on one thing, TRUST. If you don't have that you don't have anything.
So it comes to this. If you leave, she dumps you. If you don't, you get to stay in a hollow relationship. Congrats.
You don't want to hear it, but you know what the answer is. Whether you force the issue now or later, it will end badly. You can't stay with someone you don't trust.
A Huge +1.
Another point to add to this: If you don't go on tour because of her, you will end up resenting her for this - FOREVER!
