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Need advice from touring guys with girlfriends...

K

Kermin VH

Aug 21, 2006
91
1
43
www.myspace.com
#1
First off, I don't know whether this falls under the "band management" or "miscellaneous" titles, so mods, feel free to move if necessary.

Last night at dinner, the subject of my band eventually hitting the road for a tour came up. My girlfriend and I have gotten into some pretty heated arguments about it before, so I didn't really press the issue too much. I wasn't in the mood for a blowout. Anyway, she basically reiterated what she's said since day one about her thoughts on me hitting the road: If I go, she's leaving me.

She's absolutely convinced that I'm gonna turn into the stereotypical "Sex, Drugs and Rock 'n' Roll" cliche. I've told her that I love her too much to go out and ruin our relationship shagging a bunch of groupies and that I don't have any desire to do drugs on or off the road, which she should know by now, seeing as how we live together.

I've tried to explain how even if we did go out on tour, it's not like we're gonna be touring like Metallica. There are no 3 year nonstop world tours in our foreseeable future. Still, she thinks I'd be gone too long, even if it was just a month. She says she doesn't want to be in a relationship with someone who's not gonna be around to do things with.

Also, for those wondering, this isn't some teenage angst story, I'm 28 and she's 29, so it's not something she's likely to "grow out of".

So, I guess my question is this: How did those of you who have/had GFs who are vehemently anti-tour handle it? What did you do to convince them it would be ok?

I don't want to lose her, so please don't suggest "Just dump her". Thanks in advance to all those who read this and take the time to write an honest response.
 
#2
Kermin VH said:
... please don't suggest "Just dump her".
Click to expand...

Would like to give you advice, but if your going to tie my hands this way... :hmm:

Look, you are not a kid and neither is she. Relationships are built on one thing, TRUST. If you don't have that you don't have anything.

So it comes to this. If you leave, she dumps you. If you don't, you get to stay in a hollow relationship. Congrats.

You don't want to hear it, but you know what the answer is. Whether you force the issue now or later, it will end badly. You can't stay with someone you don't trust.
 
#3
any good relationship has a few things involved...one of them being the ability to compromise, and the other is understanding.

If music is this important to you, she should understand, or you should help her understand. Like you said, it's not some teenage angst story, this is what you want to do with your life. I've had the same conversation with my now fiancee, and it took a little while to convince her that I wasn't going to hit the road and sleep with 40,000 women. It's a big step in a relationship to be able to handle a long distance thing, especially for a few weeks at a time. There isn't a quick-fix to this, it takes time, understanding and compromise. She needs to understand how important this is to you, and you need to SHOW her how important she is to you. You need to understand her feelings, but at the same time, she needs to be able to compromise. Any hardline answers like 'if your band goes out on tour, I'm leaving you' are a terrrible terrrrrrible thing in a relationship with a musician. That's basically saying "if you're at all successful, I want no part of your life" :confused:

You just have to talk about it, don't fight, just talk.
My $.02

EdMerc said:
Look, you are not a kid and neither is she. Relationships are built on one thing, TRUST. If you don't have that you don't have anything.
Click to expand...
This is so true.
 
#4
The women in our lives need to be on board with what we're doing.
Rehearsal schedule, local gig nights & potential out of town shows or tours.
Sorry, but she's not supporting your musical aspirations. She said she will leave, and she will. What do you want more? Music? Her? Your decision.
 
#5
I believe you should go, since you seem like you might want to go anyhow.... It'll beat staying and having that resentment towards her, it's not her fault and it's not your fault, it just is what it is... if it's a matter of insecurity on her part, to a strong degree, that is her issue....not yours. If there is no compromise, it's time to go..........Especially if you've lived for a touring kind of opportunity.
 
#6
it sounds like there's a general lack of trust on her part in the relationship. I don't personally put up with that kind of behavior from my significant others any more. Played that game in the past, ended up losing anyway :-) I'm not gonna say "dump her", but I would just tour anyway and say "If you're gonna leave, at least have the decency to keep the place clean for me for when I return". Its a lot easier to find a newer, less-clingy girlfriend than it is to find a band who has it together enough for touring.
 
#8
Having toured with Broadway shows for 10 years, and only having a couple of week off a year, Skype or Gmail is your friend. Being able to see one another on a screen is a HUGE plus. Things get cloudy over the phone, but if you can see the person, it makes all the difference. Try explaining this to her. It might help. Even an iphone with facetime would do. If she can't compromise, then that's another story all together. A month is so short in my mind. My fiance would probably like me to go for a month!
 
#9
Sorry Kermin, wish I could say this is an isolated incident but unfortunately it's not.. A musician's life is just unacceptable to some due to their insecurities, trust issues etc. I've been there before and that kind of ultimatum is really a huge warning flag that your girl might not be the girl you thought she was.. I'd try the talk like Jeremiah stated but get your psyche ready for the worst case situation of you/she splitting.. IMO if you're called to be a musician in his life, she either has to accept it or walk. What if you were a salesperson or product manager with a significant travel schedule? Same thing IMO..
 
#10
When I met my wife, I was already playing music. There was more of an expectation that touring and shows and long hours away from eachother were a possibility. She was on board with what I want to do as a musician and I am on board with her hobbies as well. I support her dreams and goals as she supports mine.

If I didn't have that in a relationship, I would not be in that relationship. It wouldn't have worked from the start. You have to be able to support each other with what you each want to do as an individual.

If she wants to support you, she will deal with the time away from you. Thats why we have cell phones and email and video chat and so on. If your relationship is based purely off of physical interaction and having someone there to do stuff with, it may not work out later anyway. Physical interaction should be one part of a relationship with many ways to make connection besides physical.

Im all for spending time together. Thats what makes a relationship work (aside from honest communication and trust). There also must be a respect for one another's desires.

I dunno, something to consider.
 
#12
Compromise is the biggest thing, I'd maybe try and plan the tour where she could tag a long for part of it? I mean one month is really not that long, that seems really insecure about the relationship to me(Married and apart for several months at a time due to my job). I think it'd be pretty easy and fun for her to take a 2-week vacation, go out on the road with you and fly back into town when she needs to. If she can't hang for just 2 weeks, that's ridiculous.

On another note, do any of your bandmates live the stereotypical lifestyle to make her think this?(ie a bad influence on you)
 
#13
I also see it as a trust and/or a power issue. Your relationship obviously isn't as important to her as it is to you. If she's going to leave when you're getting to do what you love, just because she can't see you for a month, there is something very wrong. Not to mention with her ultimatum, she now has all the power.
 
#14
Be careful, Kermin. In relationships, ultimatums are incredibly dangerous things. No matter what decision either of you make, you both lose.

Does she really understand the scope and magnitude of what she's saying?
 
#15
Just DON'T let her see this other thread...

As stated before, TALK, don't FIGHT. The difference is that talking deals with issues. Fighting deals with emotions. Find out what her issues are. Then have her realistically consider them (and not in a Hollywood anything-is-possible-on-the-road fashion). Bring up the issue of trust. Does she not trust you when you are on the road? How about when you stay at the office (work, practice, jam, gig) an hour later than expected - does she get on your case? Why? These are warning signs that you haven't talked enough, and should be dealt with early...

Good luck!
 
#16
My music is my art, and one of my main ways of expressing myself. My wife fully understands & supports this, and I would not have married her if she had not. There are literally millions of single women out there, but there is no substitute for playing music. It may sound cold, but you can do the math. You can try talking about it with her, but its probably something that should have been discussed at the beginning of the relationship. As others here have pointed out, if you don't have trust, you don't have anything.
 
#17
I am not a touring guy, and I don't HAVE a girlfriend, but having experience as a girlfriend I thought I might comment.
If you value the relationship (and if she bothered giving you an ultimatum I am sure she values it as well) then you need to find ways to make HER successful instead of asking her to celebrate your success AND accept your absence while she gets nothing in return but the pleasure of calling herself your girlfriend. I can't give you a direct answer but find out FROM HER what is is that she needs. It will probably amount to more than just pieces of you by text and webchat. What things is she into that you support her 100% on. In what ways have you had HER back.
There is no get in a relationship w/o a give. Make yourself SO valuable to her that she would not consider dropping you just because you need to be gone for a little bit. If this sounds like entirely too much work, welcome to the world of relationships. Good luck.
 
#20
On the flip side of the coin . . .

You're 28 and going 'on tour'. I assume this means you don't have steady employment? If so, this may be more to the heart of the matter. Maybe she's concerned about your aspirations in life and ability to provide for her (and a family)?

I've never been on a tour, but from what I've heard they're a sure fire way to lose money.

I'm just playing devil's advocate here, but all we're hearing is "she doesn't want me to play and be myself." While she may be telling her friends that "he doesn't want to get a job and grow up."
 

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