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Need advice from touring guys with girlfriends...

#21
Sounds like she doesn't have a hobby.

Find a new one (girl or hobby for said girl) or you will deal with this forever.

Not being rude but she thinks you are her hobby and if and when you ever get married or have kids I can easily see the guilt trip coming if you even wanted to play locally.

Make the decision, that type of girl is loyal. On the flip side she expects it back and your hobbies will slowly die.

I am lucky enough to have a married a woman who is a great mom, wife, and photographer. We make sure we both have time to do things we love, away from each other. It's healthy and encouraged. We do plenty of things together as well.

I am old enough to have seen this scenario played out a ton of times and it never ends well.
 
#22
DarkArwen said:
I am not a touring guy, and I don't HAVE a girlfriend, but having experience as a girlfriend I thought I might comment.
If you value the relationship (and if she bothered giving you an ultimatum I am sure she values it as well) then you need to find ways to make HER successful instead of asking her to celebrate your success AND accept your absence while she gets nothing in return but the pleasure of calling herself your girlfriend. I can't give you a direct answer but find out FROM HER what is is that she needs. It will probably amount to more than just pieces of you by text and webchat. What things is she into that you support her 100% on. In what ways have you had HER back.
There is no get in a relationship w/o a give. Make yourself SO valuable to her that she would not consider dropping you just because you need to be gone for a little bit. If this sounds like entirely too much work, welcome to the world of relationships. Good luck.
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Yep, see that ultimatum as her caring. Work it out. Tell her that this relationship will weather what ever happens. One of you bedridden for a year or forever is an example. Make it work. What does she need to feel secure? What do you need to feel secure? Work it out. This is an easy one however hard.
 
#23
superdick2112 said:
My music is my art, and one of my main ways of expressing myself. My wife fully understands & supports this, and I would not have married her if she had not. There are literally millions of single women out there, but there is no substitute for playing music. It may sound cold, but you can do the math. You can try talking about it with her, but its probably something that should have been discussed at the beginning of the relationship. As others here have pointed out, if you don't have trust, you don't have anything.
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I have to agree with this^^^

I was already playing music when I met my wife 12 years ago... she fully supports anything I do because we have Trust and we compormise.... If music is really something you wanna do.... you may need to go ahead and tell her this is the case and she can leave now... it does sound like she has insecurities in the relationship already... you have to decide what is more important to you... Music or Her??? ;)
 
#24
Hmm, my fiance and I used to live together and when my company went bankrupt I had to take a job on the west coast (we live in NY). I ended up moving out there for 6 months and did the long distance thing. It sucked not being with her and not being able to share those 6 months together. We even got married while I was out there (we had the dates already set before I moved). I eventually moved back after I requested a relocation and we picked up where we left off.

If she loves you and sees a foreseeable future with you - then she must learn to suck it up and follow the lead. Sorry to say it like that, but life is just way too short to let one person try and steer it for you. Compromise and trust my friend, it really does bring a relationship closer. My wife and I are closer then we ever have been because I think we both felt that it was a test of our strength in keeping the relationship together.

Good luck you will do whats best for you.
 
#25
I is not necessarily about "trust". She might totally trust you and yet still want a relationship where her partner is THERE, with her.

My last g/f was a lot like this. If she wasn't getting direct attention from me every day, it became a problem.

The bottom line seems to be clear: You and she have different values in what you want from a relationship. And they are irreconcilable (if she's not bluffing). You want a relationship where you are not physically together for a lot of the time - at least for periods of time. She wants one where you are physically together almost all the time. Recognize it. Acknowledge it. Move on. Find someone whose values align with your own.

Ultimately, you HAVE to do what works for YOU. If you do that, and she leaves, then you're better off than prolonging the inevitable. You'll be free to focus on your tour without her distracting you, and free to find a new relationship later. If you do what works for you and she doesn't follow through on her threat to leave, then you'll know how she really feels and, when it's all over, your relationship will be stronger for having gone through that.
 
#27
If you have an opportunity to play music for a living then she should be supportive.

If you're just in some crappy punk band that has no label (even small label) support then I'd question your motivations. Are you doing it to have fun with your friends or are you planning on having a go at a career in music?

I am good friends with a guy who tours anywhere from 150-250 days/year and he is married. His wife misses him when he is gone, but she knows he has a job he loves and it brings home the bacon.
 
#32
Sorry - if you bought a Ford don't be mad at it because it's not a Toyota.

All I'm saying is that it sounds if you both want something different from your life at this time.

Don't try to stick a square peg in a round hole - all you're doing is getting frustrated.

And it has nothing to do with age.

Better to find these things out now rather than later when you are married with children.
 
#34
DarkArwen said:
I am not a touring guy, and I don't HAVE a girlfriend, but having experience as a girlfriend I thought I might comment.
If you value the relationship (and if she bothered giving you an ultimatum I am sure she values it as well) then you need to find ways to make HER successful instead of asking her to celebrate your success AND accept your absence while she gets nothing in return but the pleasure of calling herself your girlfriend. I can't give you a direct answer but find out FROM HER what is is that she needs. It will probably amount to more than just pieces of you by text and webchat. What things is she into that you support her 100% on. In what ways have you had HER back.
There is no get in a relationship w/o a give. Make yourself SO valuable to her that she would not consider dropping you just because you need to be gone for a little bit. If this sounds like entirely too much work, welcome to the world of relationships. Good luck.
Click to expand...

Some great input here.

As a married guy, let me say this: If I neglected everything else for the sake of my music, my wife has every right to leave me. She would be stupid not to. She needs to get something out of the relationship too.

Aside from the sex and drugs, there's practical stuff to deal with. Most women don't get into relationships so they can spend time alone. My wife wouldn't be happy if I neglected to pay the bills, left her to deal with the baby and all the housework for a month all by herself, not get any physical affection, have to to activities alone or not get to do any, feel unsafe because she's home alone, etc. Unfortunately, a few texts, e-mails, and a long phone call just don't make up for that for some women.

If you really want to make this thing work, find out what she really needs. Maybe the sex and drugs are the issue, a smokescreen, or not the real issue. Find out HER needs and address them. I find that with my wife and other women, if her needs are addressed, it's much easier for her to compromise to get you what you need.


I love music with pretty much every fiber in my being, and I spend LOTS of time on it. But in reality and the big picture, bands and opportunites come and go. A good wife is irreplaceable. If I'm down, my wife is there to pick me up, not my band mates. I make music with my band(s), but I make a life and family with my wife. At 40, as my belly gets wider, my hair gets grayer, and my hipness diminishes to the point that I become less appealing to groupies, my wife still wants to have rockstar sex with me. If I need to go to the hospital, my wife will take me there, not the drummer from my band from my 20s. And on my deathbed, Lord willing, my wife will be there with me while my bandmates from my younger days won't even be thinking of me.

As far as infidelity is concerned, don't fool yourself into thinking you are not susceptible. I've known many a greater man than I fall to temptation, so I know I'm definitely not immune to it. Even though I hope to never fall down that slippery slope, I try to avoid situations where that can happen because everyone has days when they are morally weak.

What it comes down to, is being in this relationship more important, or music? Neither answer is universally wrong, but it's up to the OP to decide what the right answer is.
 
#36
She may not be well programmed to accept you being gone more than 2-3 days at a time. That kind of lifestyle may not work for her personality type.

Your GF has already announced her intentions to skip if/when you start on the tour. Is the tour really going to happen, or not? You might consider whether she is the type that wants your dreams to come true, and is willing to blend your life/dreams with her own.

Do you have a plan for taking the relationship forward? If so, can you/would you attempt to create an expectation on her part to hear from you every morning, or morning and afternoon. TRUST and consistency (or predictable behavior from you) is likely very important to her. Aside from hearing from you over the phone, do you have a plan for getting her to your gigs for part of a weekend-every so often? That's all a part of relationship maintenance and consistency...
 
#38
I have a lot of experience with this in my day job, I am on the road more than a full time touring musician, and a large portion of it is international (I average 40-48 weeks a year on the road). I am also married with 2 daughters. I have also toured extensively as a musician, but that was during my single days.

The big question is what is your music? Is it a profession or a hobby? How do you pay your bills? My wife HATES that I am gone so much, and so do I, but it is my job and it is how I provide for my family and my music is nothing more than a glorified hobby right now. To a wife/fiancé/serious girlfriend, it is not as much about holding you back and more about holding you responsible. If music is your full time job and means of majority of your income.....she needs to deal with that’s who you are and that’s what you do. If it is a hobby, you need to decide what’s more important...your hobby or your girlfriend.
If you are both approaching 30 she is probably looking for some stability if things are serious between you, and to a woman the whole "hey, I'm leaving to go on tour...with the band (who just happens to be your party/drinking buddies) see you in a month" doesn't sound that stable.

I look at these things not just as a musician who has toured previously, but also as a dad and the advice I would give my daughters.

It is all up to you bro…..odds are that she will not change.
 
#39
J. Montgomery said:
On the flip side of the coin . . .

You're 28 and going 'on tour'. I assume this means you don't have steady employment? If so, this may be more to the heart of the matter. Maybe she's concerned about your aspirations in life and ability to provide for her (and a family)?

I've never been on a tour, but from what I've heard they're a sure fire way to lose money.

I'm just playing devil's advocate here, but all we're hearing is "she doesn't want me to play and be myself." While she may be telling her friends that "he doesn't want to get a job and grow up."
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Teacher: "Little Johnny, what do you want to be when you grow up?"
Johnny: "I want to be a Rock Star when I grow up!!!"
Teacher: "Oh, Jonny... You can't do both."
 
#40
Great input Jive!

jive1 said:
Some great input here.

As a married guy, let me say this: If I neglected everything else for the sake of my music, my wife has every right to leave me. She would be stupid not to. She needs to get something out of the relationship too.

Aside from the sex and drugs, there's practical stuff to deal with. Most women don't get into relationships so they can spend time alone. My wife wouldn't be happy if I neglected to pay the bills, left her to deal with the baby and all the housework for a month all by herself, not get any physical affection, have to to activities alone or not get to do any, feel unsafe because she's home alone, etc. Unfortunately, a few texts, e-mails, and a long phone call just don't make up for that for some women.

If you really want to make this thing work, find out what she really needs. Maybe the sex and drugs are the issue, a smokescreen, or not the real issue. Find out HER needs and address them. I find that with my wife and other women, if her needs are addressed, it's much easier for her to compromise to get you what you need.


I love music with pretty much every fiber in my being, and I spend LOTS of time on it. But in reality and the big picture, bands and opportunites come and go. A good wife is irreplaceable. If I'm down, my wife is there to pick me up, not my band mates. I make music with my band(s), but I make a life and family with my wife. At 40, as my belly gets wider, my hair gets grayer, and my hipness diminishes to the point that I become less appealing to groupies, my wife still wants to have rockstar sex with me. If I need to go to the hospital, my wife will take me there, not the drummer from my band from my 20s. And on my deathbed, Lord willing, my wife will be there with me while my bandmates from my younger days won't even be thinking of me.

As far as infidelity is concerned, don't fool yourself into thinking you are not susceptible. I've known many a greater man than I fall to temptation, so I know I'm definitely not immune to it. Even though I hope to never fall down that slippery slope, I try to avoid situations where that can happen because everyone has days when they are morally weak.

What it comes down to, is being in this relationship more important, or music? Neither answer is universally wrong, but it's up to the OP to decide what the right answer is.
Click to expand...
 

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