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Need advice from touring guys with girlfriends...

#62
Your girlfriend clearly doesn't know much about touring. If she did she'd realise that the chances of your getting into trouble are VERY slim. And come on, you're the bass player - what could possibly happen? :p I can understand her insecurity and this is a tricky one. People sometimes resort to ultimatums out of desperation - it doesn't mean she's a bad person, or that she really would carry through with her threats. I've been on tour and played a lot of out-of-town gigs and I've had the opportunity to cheat once - that's it (and no, I didn't take that opportunity). Oh, wait - there was this other time... but I was single at the time... and I needed a place to sleep. :smug: Anyway, I'm pretty sure that if your girlfriend knew the truth about touring (at least as I've experienced it) she wouldn't be nearly as worried as she seems to be. I wouldn't be too quick to dump her (as some here have advised you to do). Show her that you really care about her feelings regarding the whole matter. Tell her you will call her before you go to bed every night (if that's an option), but explain that being able to tour is very important to you and that you aren't prepared to sacrifice music for anything. If, in the end, she still maintains her current position well, you'll have to decide what is most important to you. Just keep in mind that your relationship with music will probably outlast your relationship with this (or any other) girl.
 
#63
Couple of random thoughts here....

You are 28. You are young. Opportunities to tour will dwindle as you age (unless you have become a rock star). But there is plenty of time to find another girlfriend/wife.

Your girlfriend is 29. About to hit the big "30" and not married, no kids, no Dream except for a boyfriend who wants to hit the road and play music. You think this reaction is bad now? Wait 'till she hits 30. ALWAYS beware when a birthday includes a zero. You ain't seen nothin' yet, bro.

Think about it.
 
#64
Kermin VH said:
Everyone, a sincere thank you for all the advice.

To answer a few of the questions asked, there are no immediate plans for a tour. My bandmates and I are all serious about making a living at this, though, so a tour seems like an inevitability to me.

I am employed in a good job (I'm an auto mechanic), and I've told her repeatedly that there is NO WAY that I'd leave without AT LEAST $1,000 in savings to cover the bills and anything that comes up while I'm gone. I've also told her and my bandmates (while she and they were in the same room) that I'm not going to go on a tour where we're not at least gonna break even. So the money end of it, IMO, is moot.

I was not in a band or even very serious about trying to make a career in music when we met. My previous band had broken up about a year before we met, and I was too disheartened to even play much by myself, let alone get into another band. The itch eventually returned, however, and it's back with a vengeance. I want to make music my career, not just a hobby.

We've been together 2 1/2 years now.

She doesn't have any hobbies that she is as serious about as I am about my music. That said, she's a very talented photographer and artist, and I've told her that if that ever took off, I'd support her any way that I could (and I have, for the record; she's had a few gallery shows, and I've always been right beside her at every one). I try to include her in everything that I do, and I try to be involved in anything she does. I love her and I try to spend as much quality time with her as possible, and I've tried to make her undestand that IF we went on tour, when I came back, my time would be hers. This still seems to be unacceptable to her. :SIGH:

I don't really wanna push the issue now, because, as a few of you have said, bands come and go. I'd hate to lose an amazing woman over an argument about a hypothetical situation that may never come to fruition. At the same time, it's eating me up inside. I just wish I could resolve this in a positive way and have it behind me so I didn't have to have it weighing on my mind.

Again, thanks everyone, and I'll be sure to post what happens, if anything does.
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I still think the real problem is that you're not talking about getting married and having kids but are instead talking about going on a tour, basically a childish immature rock star fantasy you're trying to realize. :D
 
#66
Kermin, a couple more hypotheticals for you to consider or discuss with your GF.

1. Probably good to make the point that if you wanted to shag barflies, you could do so right there in your hometown (unless her 6'6" brother comes to all your gigs with a shotgun...). The main thing keeping your tallywhacker in your trousers is you, not your geographic location.

2. Change the scenario - you're an auto mechanic. What if you got a chance to take a one month training at the BMW factory in Germany (or better yet, Saab - hot Swedish girls!). It would enhance your career skills and aspirations, but you'd be gone for a month. What if, if you did very well, you could stay for a second month of advanced training? Would the response be "absolutely, that's different, go for it!" or "I couldn't let you do that, you'd be gone for too long, I couldn't trust you, yada yada"?

These may help you weed out "I'm psychotically jealous and don't trust you" from "I don't know if I can handle you being gone so long" "I don't see this furthering what I have as my plans and dreams for our future" from "screw your dreams, just stay here with me in as much status quo as we can manage". At the very least it will give you more information about where she's coming from, which is always good in a relationship.
 
#67
i still can't believe that some of you put YOUR lives aside for future ex-GF's/wives!!!
OMGGGGG!!! learn from history. (when they leave, write a song about it)

i've lost alot of GF's after several years on the road. i wouldn't change anything and have no regrets. BUT,... i would feel like crap right now if i'd not have toured. if i bow down to someone's wishes they better have a better alternative.

maybe i'm all messed-up in the head but, when a GF tells me i can't tour, i just start laughing. when she says that she'll leave me,... i laugh louder!
i refuse to participate in such a relationship. gl.

i love all of the PC responses though,... ROTFLMAO!!!!

her: it's my way or the highway....

me: well, my way is the highway....

i love touring, YMMV. :)
 
#73
I can't advise, as I've never toured. However, the situation isn't limited to musicians. There are people like salesmen who spend extended periods of time on the road. There are people with night jobs and odd hours, such as police, nurses, factory workers, etc. Of course there are soldiers going on extended overseas tours. With that said, some relationships seem to survive this, and some don't.
 
#75
Agreed bombpop14....the temptations can be endless. Perhaps the OP can be stronger than I was, but I wouldn't trade the fact that I had the time of my life on tour for anything! Sounds like the OP really digs this chick, hopefully they can figure it out.
 
#78
I have not been on a full-blown tour, but I've done a fair number of road gigs. I have a girlfriend and we discussed this very issue. Neither of us are crazy about the prospect of being seperated because of work (and touring is work), but she supports me and what I do. Just like I would support her if she had to go on the road for her work.

Ask your girl if she would expect you to support her and her work if she were in that kind of position.
 
#80
Kermin VH said:
I don't want to lose her, so please don't suggest "Just dump her". Thanks in advance to all those who read this and take the time to write an honest response.
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Don't want to lose her. You want to argue your point until she caves? As I see it, she's given you an ultimatum, and dug in her heels. You have but one choice ... comply. That wouldn't sit well with me. Not because I couldn't have my own way, but because she feels having "someone to do things with" is more important than letting someone she loves be free enough to grow. I've been married for 35 years (yikes!) and a good part of our success has been allowing each other freedom to explore our interests and talents. Even the things we don't like about each other are part of the whole person that we love. Take those away, and we'd find ourselves married to very different people.
 

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