Need advice from touring guys with girlfriends...

[Phil Smith]

So, I took the plunge and talked to her about it again last night. Essentially, she feels that if I can afford/if I want to take the time off to do a tour, then I should be able to afford/want to take an equal amount of time off to go a a vacation with her. This seems prety fair to me, but the rub is this: I DO NOT KNOW how in the heck I would afford to do both. If I go out on a 3 week tour, that would pretty much be it as far as what I could afford to take off. I understand that she would feel she's getting the short end of the stick, but I just don't know how I could afford to take that much time off. I wouldn't go on tour unless I could make enough to break even, but I don't have 3 weeks of paid vacation time, and I probably never will in the industry I'm in. Any advice on how to make both happen?

Sounds to me like she has a problem with you not coming up with ideas to go places and do things together. That is one of the reasons a person would feel resentful about something that you want to do. You should have asked: "Do you think that we do enough things together?" The answer would probably be "No". You don't really have to figure out how to do both things, you need to figure out how to get her feel like you are interested in doings things with her. Small stuff actually works here, taking her out spontaneously will have a big impact as well as small gifts. Try it, you'll be amazed at how it works and she'll be all on board with you doing the tour without the reciprocating vacation.

 

[HeadyVan Halen]

30 years of age

Children: yes
Marriage: no


Don't listen to me, but...go on tour. In a couple years time you'll be arguing about diapers, light bills, watching re-runs Bad Girls Club when Ohio State v.s Michigan is on...There is enough time for that.

Go do you NOW, before you are too old.

 

[Mr-Wunderful]

My ex-wife had a problem with me touring.

 

[s_mcsleazy]

i used to be in a band that played fairly regulary and a relation. she was never fond of the idea of me playing gigs that she couldent go to. moslty because im a handsome young man (hahahaha not really). the truth of the matter is if shes not there she thinks your up to somthing and if she is she will keep women away from you. i played one gig and she was in the audence and one of my friends who i hadent seen in 3 years came to say hi. as soon as this friend came up to me my gf just told her "my man doesnt want to speek to a whore"

2 weeks later my gf cheated on me.

 

[wiseguyst]

Since I have been married (3 years, same age as you) I have not been on the road more than a few days. Something that I made sure that my wife understood before tying the knot was that music is very important to me and it's not something that you can take away from me and still have the same guy. That said, my wife seems similar to your GF in that she is much more into having a normal, stable life. She trusts me, but life with me on the road is not what she would choose. I have tried to make the idea of touring fun for her as well because in reality she is a part of my life and as much of a "drag" as it would be for the single members to have a girl on tour with us, she's what I come with. That said, if I ever hit the road for an extended tour, we have planned on buying a small RV/VW camper van and rolling together.

I have found that as long as I try to include her in my plans, all is well. The minute I exclude her from any part of my life is when things start to get hairy.

My suggestion? If touring is not on the immediate horizon, help her understand how important music is to you and how being in a working band will not change you, but rather help you be more of who you are. Introduce the idea of her being a part of the tour if money will allow. (They make great merch sales people.) If the time comes when a week before the tour the debate is still going, I have a feeling your choice will be a lot easier.

FWIW, the whole 3 years I have been married the talk of tour has come up off and on and we have yet to actually do it. We have found enough success in the NW to make it not worth our time or money to travel farther.

 

[jive1]

i still can't believe that some of you put YOUR lives aside for future ex-GF's/wives!!!
OMGGGGG!!! learn from history. (when they leave, write a song about it)

In the same way that I can't believe that some would put their significant other aside for a band that will someday fire you, make you want to quit, or fizzle out. And you can write songs about when they stick around too, they sell better.

i've lost alot of GF's after several years on the road. i wouldn't change anything and have no regrets. BUT,... i would feel like crap right now if i'd not have toured. if i bow down to someone's wishes they better have a better alternative.

One of the wisest pieces of advice I got from an older, happy horn player was "There are some things in life music can't give you, and isn't designed to give you". There are old, lonely, and bitter musicians out there. They took music as their spouse over someone else, and did not fare very well after that. That's the part of the music scene people don't talk about.

Two case studies:
1. I know an old guitarist who in his heyday was a smoking player, and had no problem with the ladies. He got into a relationship, in the end couldn't commit due to music, and they went their seperate ways. Now he is still playing dives, coming home to a wreck of a house, eating cold leftovers, probably rubbing one out to a porno, and drinking until he passes out. The man is bitter, because he gave up so much for music, and it couldn't give him everything he needed. The man is lonely, his health is deteorating, he has no family, and his friends are too busy with their own families. He then realizes that he'd like to have a family. He'll need to change in order to take a miraculous last stab at having a family, but he's too stuck in his ways to change. He fears dying alone.

2. I know a female singer who in her 20s was smokin hot, a tough cookie, and had great pipes as well as other assets. All the bands wanted to have her as a singer. She had great draw. Guys went crazy over her, but she always claimed to be married to her music, and never could get into a healthy, commited relationship. But, she had plenty of unhealthy ones and one-night stands, resulting in abortions and STDs. Now she's much older, and not as hot as back in the day. People don't want to hire her, even though she can still sing pretty well, because she doesn't have the look anymore, and she has some emotional baggage. With her medical history, it's hard for her to find a partner or have a family, so she spends a lot of time alone. Hard for anyone who knew her back then to believe. It's harder to find a gig, and while her friends are all talking about their kids and husbands, she finds it's harder to connect with them. And sometimes she gets jealous because she has no-one to care for her, or to take care of. Life feels empty.

For these two, there was certainly a better option. But it's harder to see when you're that young.

i love all of the PC responses though,... ROTFLMAO!!!!

It has nothing to do with PC. It has everything to do with reality and practicality.

 

[Phil Smith]

It has nothing to do with PC. It has everything to do with reality and practicality.

The reality is that you can be with someone that does support what you do so that you don't have to go through this type of drama. There are many anecdotes that support all sorts of positions.

 

[fenderhutz]

Two case studies:
1. I know an old guitarist who in his heyday was a smoking player, and had no problem with the ladies. He got into a relationship, in the end couldn't commit due to music, and they went their seperate ways. Now he is still playing dives, coming home to a wreck of a house, eating cold leftovers, probably rubbing one out to a porno, and drinking until he passes out. The man is bitter, because he gave up so much for music, and it couldn't give him everything he needed. The man is lonely, his health is deteorating, he has no family, and his friends are too busy with their own families. He then realizes that he'd like to have a family. He'll need to change in order to take a miraculous last stab at having a family, but he's too stuck in his ways to change. He fears dying alone.

2. I know a female singer who in her 20s was smokin hot, a tough cookie, and had great pipes as well as other assets. All the bands wanted to have her as a singer. She had great draw. Guys went crazy over her, but she always claimed to be married to her music, and never could get into a healthy, commited relationship. But, she had plenty of unhealthy ones and one-night stands, resulting in abortions and STDs. Now she's much older, and not as hot as back in the day. People don't want to hire her, even though she can still sing pretty well, because she doesn't have the look anymore, and she has some emotional baggage. With her medical history, it's hard for her to find a partner or have a family, so she spends a lot of time alone. Hard for anyone who knew her back then to believe. It's harder to find a gig, and while her friends are all talking about their kids and husbands, she finds it's harder to connect with them. And sometimes she gets jealous because she has no-one to care for her, or to take care of. Life feels empty.

Rhetoric. Meh.

Your case study number 2 sounds like a local act now (DC area) that was kinda successful in the 80's. I won't name names on the boards

 

[zachoff]

For these two, there was certainly a better option. But it's harder to see when you're that young.

It has nothing to do with PC. It has everything to do with reality and practicality.

Another reality is that if you don't do it in your 20s/30s you'll probably never do it.

I'd guess that a great number of people that were lucky enough to be in a band that toured hard in their 20s and 30s wouldn't go back and do it differently if they could.

You only live once, right?

 

[jive1]

The reality is that you can be with someone that does support what you do so that you don't have to go through this type of drama. There are many anecdotes that support all sorts of positions.

Absolutely true. That's why I wanted to include anecdotes where it didn't go very well to give a full picture of possibilities.

And we always deal with less than perfect information, and can't predict the future.
For my wife and I, if I were to tour at a crucial juncture in our relationship, it would have killed it. Many would say dump her. But since getting married, she opened up a whole lot more, and pretty much get to gig whenever I want. But, I know many guys who don't get this situation, and I know I'm fortunate.

The reality, is you don't always know what is actually going to happen until happens.

 

[jive1]

Another reality is that if you don't do it in your 20s/30s you'll probably never do it.

I'd guess that a great number of people that were lucky enough to be in a band that toured hard in their 20s and 30s wouldn't go back and do it differently if they could.

I will admit, I got to do a bunch of crazy, self indulgent stuff in my 20s. No regrets, would never take it back.

But, same goes with getting married and settling down in my 30s, no regrets, would never take it back.

Oddly though, since I've been married, I've played more gigs, in better places, and with more pay than when I was single. So, I don't feel like I'm losing out. But, maybe others feel that they are losing out. According to my wife, I could tour, but I'm having too much stress/fun with my bands and business to do so.

You only live once, right?

That's absolutely true. That's why some choices are pretty important.

 

[jive1]

Rhetoric. Meh.

Your case study number 2 sounds like a local act now (DC area) that was kinda successful in the 80's. I won't name names on the boards

Nope, this person isn't local. I wouldn't be surprised if there aren't a few who have the same story around here, and everywhere.

 

[Freddels]

I think this Brad Paisley tune sums it up pretty good.



My wife has told me that once the kids are finished with school, I can run off with the circus if I want.

 

[Lady Kayri]

Married here for 30 years, no kids. My take - you obviously have music to keep you busy when Significant Other isn't around. She needs to find something to keep her busy when you aren't around. If she's basically depending on you - and only on you - to keep her 'entertained' when she isn't at work, then this ain't gonna work in the long run, whether you eventually go on tour, etc. Separation has never been that much of a problem for myself and my husband; we were both in the military and several times ended going up on TDY (temporary duty assignments) for several weeks / months away from home. We live in NJ, my dad and sister live in San Diego (California) and his parents live in Alaska. When we go home for visits, I go to California for several weeks, and he'll then spend several weeks in Alaska (For various reasons, for us this works better than both of us going to Cali or Alaska...) I always have lots of stuff to do when he's away. In fact, there come points in time when I LOOK FORWARD to him being away for a week or so! If either one of you is depending on the other for things to do with (rather than also having friends as well as 'alone time') then, over time, this will become a problem. The one who is being depended on is eventually going to become tired of being 'on call' every waking moment outside of work for the SO's companionship needs. You both need interests outside the relationship to help keep the relationship itself fresh.

The fact you say this current dilema is 'eating you up inside' says something, too. If you actually get the opportunity to tour, and decide to turn it down due to the SO, will you eventually come to resent her 'neediness' or 'possessiveness' in this case?

Yes, if you're in a relationship, you have to compromise in order to get along. And just because she's getting hyper about the possibility of your being away for a month on tour doesn't mean she's eventually going to put her foot down and start limiting how much you can practice, play out, and so on. However, you yourself said in an earlier post that when the two of you first got together, you were at a point where you were not playing out with a band...so this isn't 'what she signed up for' so to speak. And the idea of having a vacation together later (or even before the tour) may have merit - but if she wants the vacation, then it's something she needs to pony up some cash to help pay for, rather than have you pay entirely for both tour and vacation.

What I see here may come down to a break down in communications. Yeah, try and talk things out, discussing options. But the ultimatum route is a problem; that simply stops all communication and attempts to compromise in its tracks. I'd ask her about the examples of if you had a chance to go out of town for several weeks connected with your day job, for training or whatever. What if such an opportunity came up for her in her own job?

Heh. Even if you're not married yet, sometimes talking to a marriage counselor can help, if only because it means someone who isn't directly involved with one or the other of you is asking questions and forcing both of you to take a better look at your own assumptions and viewpoints.

For me, I can't address the specific question - as I mentioned before, both my husband and I have been apart for several weeks to several months more than once in our life together, and for us it has never been a problem. On the other hand, of late the hubby has been talking about moving to Belieze or elsewhere in Central / South America and I've already told him that if he goes, I'm staying in the US. (Of course, with his health problems I also don't think it's terribly wise for him to be that far from doctors who are familiar with all his conditions, but - that's neither here nor there. Personally, I think the health issues will end up forcing him to decide to stay in the US close to VA hospitals...) Our tenative compromise, should he eventually actually decide to move, is that I'll stay here, and when he needs to come back to the US, he'll have a place to stay rather than needing to find a hotel, etc. And I'll go down and visit now and then...

 

[MrTAteMyBalls]

So, I took the plunge and talked to her about it again last night. Essentially, she feels that if I can afford/if I want to take the time off to do a tour, then I should be able to afford/want to take an equal amount of time off to go a a vacation with her.

She's selfish plain and simple. SELFISH. She is looking out for # 1. She can take a trip with some of her girlfriends if it's truly about the vacation. Let me tell you, it is not about the vacation. If you guys are serious you do not have to be glued at the hip all the time. The longer you are together, the more some time apart is healthy for you. There will be plenty of time for vacations together if your relationship is as great as you claim. Maybe this will be your only chance to get out on the road for a short time and try to do something great with the band. This doesn't have to end your relationship, but she is gonna have to give in to a compromise and think long term.

I would propose this:

YOU go on tour for 3 weeks. You have money in the bank, and job when you return, and it is a break even kind of tour. The only thing lost here is a little time hanging out together. It's fine. Your relationship is going the distance so there is PLENTY of time to hang out for the next 50 years.

SHE gets to take a trip this year with her girlfriends somewhere nice, and gets a promise from you that next year you take a great vacation together regardless of what the band wants to do. Start saving for it now so she really feels like you are making a commitment.

This seems totally fair and logical to me. If she still has objections then it is not about the vacation, but about control.

I'll warn you, my wife NEVER understands or gets in line with my logic, so I could be WAY off. But this sounds like a reasonable compromise to me.

30 y/o 8 years married, 13 years with the same woman. Currently, dealing with some of these same issues at home.

 

[LiquidMidnight]

In reference to bringing GFs/Wives on the road: I personally would have no problem with that at all so as long as people's significant others don't bring drama. In fact, I think being on the road with my significant other would be great. Granted, I've never been on the road, though - had opportunities to tour, but always chose not to for more "responsible" reasons.

Didn't Aerosmith take their wives on the road, and Steven Tyler's and Joe Perry's wives wanted to kill each other?

 

[LiquidMidnight]

the truth of the matter is if shes not there she thinks your up to somthing and if she is she will keep women away from you. i played one gig and she was in the audence and one of my friends who i hadent seen in 3 years came to say hi. as soon as this friend came up to me my gf just told her "my man doesnt want to speek to a whore"

I find this type of reasoning that some women have as totally hypocritical. In my experience, most females who are anywhere near attractive get hit on a decent amount. I know that sounds sexist, but remember I said I'm both a masculinist and a feminist. It all comes down to how people react to being hit on that matters.

 

[Korladis]

i used to be in a band that played fairly regulary and a relation. she was never fond of the idea of me playing gigs that she couldent go to. moslty because im a handsome young man (hahahaha not really). the truth of the matter is if shes not there she thinks your up to somthing and if she is she will keep women away from you. i played one gig and she was in the audence and one of my friends who i hadent seen in 3 years came to say hi. as soon as this friend came up to me my gf just told her "my man doesnt want to speek to a whore"

2 weeks later my gf cheated on me.

Did you tell her off at the gig for calling your friend a whore?

And I guess you're no longer with this person or did you patch things up? Sorry, don't mean to be nosy, just curious about what happened after she said that.

 

[svtb15]

Yes he does as well as almost every other arena act.. but the one thing is I dont think the OP was talking about a headlining arena act tour.
Tyler has Aerosmith / Tyler airlines.. as bonjovi etc. have they have their own private planes fro the band to travel on..
.. and they are staying at the 4 Seasons hotel or better.. not holiday in or a marriott somewhere..
And certainly not in the back of a van listening to Yoko Drama... and the wifes are not out for the full duration.. they come and go..
so there is just a slight difference.

Didn't Aerosmith take their wives on the road, and Steven Tyler's and Joe Perry's wives wanted to kill each other?

 

[jdthebassman]

First off, I don't know whether this falls under the "band management" or "miscellaneous" titles, so mods, feel free to move if necessary.

Last night at dinner, the subject of my band eventually hitting the road for a tour came up. My girlfriend and I have gotten into some pretty heated arguments about it before, so I didn't really press the issue too much. I wasn't in the mood for a blowout. Anyway, she basically reiterated what she's said since day one about her thoughts on me hitting the road: If I go, she's leaving me.

She's absolutely convinced that I'm gonna turn into the stereotypical "Sex, Drugs and Rock 'n' Roll" cliche. I've told her that I love her too much to go out and ruin our relationship shagging a bunch of groupies and that I don't have any desire to do drugs on or off the road, which she should know by now, seeing as how we live together.

I've tried to explain how even if we did go out on tour, it's not like we're gonna be touring like Metallica. There are no 3 year nonstop world tours in our foreseeable future. Still, she thinks I'd be gone too long, even if it was just a month. She says she doesn't want to be in a relationship with someone who's not gonna be around to do things with.

Also, for those wondering, this isn't some teenage angst story, I'm 28 and she's 29, so it's not something she's likely to "grow out of".

So, I guess my question is this: How did those of you who have/had GFs who are vehemently anti-tour handle it? What did you do to convince them it would be ok?

I don't want to lose her, so please don't suggest "Just dump her". Thanks in advance to all those who read this and take the time to write an honest response.

the best advice I can give is when you enter a relationship lay your cards out on the table, be honest about who you are and what you do.when I met my spouse I was on the gig, I told her this is what I do for a living it is my heart and soul, do not ask me to change it aint gonna happen.she agreed we have been happly married for 23 years. to many of my friends neglected to do this got pussywhipped ended up divorced. good luck.