Need advice from touring guys with girlfriends...

[kesslari]

It would be interesting if threads like this required posters to put their age and relationship status...

IMO, some great input from DarkArwen and Jive1.

There's no way for us to know via an internet post or two (despite how many here are quick to say) that this is the deathknell for your relationship, or the next step in a life of p*ssywhipped misery.
Probably it's neither.

It more likely IS an opportunity for more discussion on how to meet both of your needs. If that discussion can't happen, or can't result in a resolution that is acceptable to you both... then it's time for more black/white measures.

(edit - I should walk my walk) - BTW, I'm 49, married 19 years, playing music and still digging both.

 

[zachoff]

It would be interesting if threads like this required posters to put their age and relationship status...

34 and twice divorced... Don't listen to me.

 

[Phil Smith]

First off, I don't know whether this falls under the "band management" or "miscellaneous" titles, so mods, feel free to move if necessary.

Last night at dinner, the subject of my band eventually hitting the road for a tour came up. My girlfriend and I have gotten into some pretty heated arguments about it before, so I didn't really press the issue too much. I wasn't in the mood for a blowout. Anyway, she basically reiterated what she's said since day one about her thoughts on me hitting the road: If I go, she's leaving me.

She's absolutely convinced that I'm gonna turn into the stereotypical "Sex, Drugs and Rock 'n' Roll" cliche. I've told her that I love her too much to go out and ruin our relationship shagging a bunch of groupies and that I don't have any desire to do drugs on or off the road, which she should know by now, seeing as how we live together.

I've tried to explain how even if we did go out on tour, it's not like we're gonna be touring like Metallica. There are no 3 year nonstop world tours in our foreseeable future. Still, she thinks I'd be gone too long, even if it was just a month. She says she doesn't want to be in a relationship with someone who's not gonna be around to do things with.

Also, for those wondering, this isn't some teenage angst story, I'm 28 and she's 29, so it's not something she's likely to "grow out of".

So, I guess my question is this: How did those of you who have/had GFs who are vehemently anti-tour handle it? What did you do to convince them it would be ok?

I don't want to lose her, so please don't suggest "Just dump her". Thanks in advance to all those who read this and take the time to write an honest response.

Let me translate this one for you...

Your woman wants you to engage in more of a commitment i.e. she wants to get married and have a family i.e. settle down. Your idea to go on tour means that you're not interested in settling down and so if you decide to go on tour she needs to find someone else that is going to be on the same page as she is i.e. getting married, settling down and starting a family. Look at this decision as the defining moment in your relationship, it's pretty serious.

If you want to marry this woman and the relationship to work then you will trade the tour for local gigs. Personally I wouldn't go on a tour unless the money was great, all expenses paid, and so was the venue, crowds and other players, but that's just me.

 

[bamabass]

It would be interesting if threads like this required posters to put their age and relationship status...

34 and married almost 9 years

 

[Phil Smith]

It would be interesting if threads like this required posters to put their age and relationship status...

IMO, some great input from DarkArwen and Jive1.

There's no way for us to know via an internet post or two (despite how many here are quick to say) that this is the deathknell for your relationship, or the next step in a life of p*ssywhipped misery.
Probably it's neither.

It more likely IS an opportunity for more discussion on how to meet both of your needs. If that discussion can't happen, or can't result in a resolution that is acceptable to you both... then it's time for more black/white measures.

It is the "death knell" for the relationship if he decides to go on tour because it isn't really about the tour per se and more about is he interested in becoming "serious" about the relationship and the biological clock that's ticking.

 

[DWBass]

Honestly, she's being selfish and she's not playing fair. Did she not know you were a musician? All my former girlfriends were understanding for the most part. Those that weren't stepped off and I had no problem with it. My wife has no issues with it either. I've even told her if a band came along that toured and I could make the same money I'm making on my 9-5, I'd be hitting the road and she has no problems with that.

Not telling you to break up with her but by her putting a strain on your creative outlet, it does create a problem. You will have to decide which is more important.

 

[rappa29]

Many good points. I don't really have an answer or suggestion other than, when weighing on life decisions and how passionate many of us are about our lot in the music world, wives are higher on the food chain then girlfriends.

If she was your wife or heck even your Fiance, the decision would definitely be more difficult and I'd sway towards gigging locally and forgetting about touring. Or divorcing her and go on tour! Or sell all your gear and quit music!

IMHO, a good, steady gig with people you genuinely enjoy playing music with is harder to find than a girlfriend...but as stated a good wife is harder to find than that good, steady gig.

To put it simply, girlfriends don't get the privilege of making ultimatums on how I direct my musical career.

YMMV, IMHO, from a gigging, 39yo, divorcee, single parent, without a GF. Marriage went 7 years of which I gigged 1 year. So what do I know...

Disclaimer: I'm not a relationship counselor nor do I play one on TV and I have no relation to Dr. Phil.

 

[Spinal Tapper]

Lots of good advice here. I've been through this too, so hopefully I have some useful advice too...I'm 28 and live with my girl whom I've been with for almost 5 years (lived together for almost 3)

important question I'm not sure anyone asked...were you in this band (or another active band) when she met you???

I always tell my GF (who is very understanding now, and we don't fight about my band stuff anymore, but she had serious trust issues when we first met), "When you met me I was in a band, and I'm still in it now. Nothing has changed. I'm not going to change my dreams/aspirations/goals/hobbies because you can't handle being home alone and being bored."

Does your girl have a serious hobby like yours? I'd bet she doesn't. Therefor, she'll care more about you leaving, and she won't understand this type of stuff from your POV until she either joins a band herself, or picks up a serious hobby that will require the same amount of time and love that you put into your music.

You have to decide whats more important.
Truthfully, and this sucks to say, if she's ready to bail on your relationship over this, it might be time for you to move on. It might just be her personality type. You can't change someone.

Heck, it's better than blowing off the tour with your mates and living with her in resentment for the rest of your lives. You might as well slap a ring on and sell the bass rig at that point...

 

[gjbassist]

A couple of questions for the OP. What is the length of the tour and how far from home will it take you? How long have you and your girlfriend been together?
I think it just boils down to you deciding which one of these (if either) is a once in a lifetime thing? If this is your one shot at making it as a musician and it is really what you love then you need to go for that. If this is "the girl" and you know in your heart you will never find another like her then put your relationship first.

 

[Martin89]

It would be interesting if threads like this required posters to put their age and relationship status...

22, Married, and currently on a 1 year "tour"(aka Deployment) with minimal time to see my wife.

She knew my commitments when she entered the relationship and although it was hard, she got used to it and we made it work. I had a couple of times where I was gone for a few weeks or a month at a time for training and that kind of introduced her to dealing with it. Maybe you should suggest to her start small and book a weekend in a town a few hours away(playing Friday, Saturday, Sunday, etc.) to help her adjust. I mean 3 nights isn't anything but a start. To me it's the same as a family obligation or something.

 

[Spinal Tapper]

22, Married, and currently on a 1 year "tour"(aka Deployment) with minimal time to see my wife.

She knew my commitments when she entered the relationship and although it was hard, she got used to it and we made it work. I had a couple of times where I was gone for a few weeks or a month at a time for training and that kind of introduced her to dealing with it. Maybe you should suggest to her start small and book a weekend in a town a few hours away(playing Friday, Saturday, Sunday, etc.) to help her adjust. I mean 3 nights isn't anything but a start. To me it's the same as a family obligation or something.

This is awesome advice

 

[StuartV]

Ultimately, you HAVE to do what works for YOU. If you do that, and she leaves, then you're better off than prolonging the inevitable. You'll be free to focus on your tour without her distracting you, and free to find a new relationship later. If you do what works for you and she doesn't follow through on her threat to leave, then you'll know how she really feels and, when it's all over, your relationship will be stronger for having gone through that.

44 and never been married. Or, as I prefer to look at it, I have successfully avoided several divorces.

 

[LiquidMidnight]

Would like to give you advice, but if your going to tie my hands this way...

Look, you are not a kid and neither is she. Relationships are built on one thing, TRUST. If you don't have that you don't have anything.

So it comes to this. If you leave, she dumps you. If you don't, you get to stay in a hollow relationship. Congrats.

You don't want to hear it, but you know what the answer is. Whether you force the issue now or later, it will end badly. You can't stay with someone you don't trust.

I haven't read the entire thread yet, but I will after I post this. I just want to say that Ed hit the nail on the head.

If you're having this issue already, then there is going to be nothing but friction in the relationship. When I meet a new girl, I'm upfront that I'm a musician. Insecurity, jealously, confidence issues, possessiveness, and ultimatums are deal breakers for me, no matter how much I like the other person otherwise or how attracted I am to them. This isn't junior high, and in my 28 years, I've never had an issue with infedelity. If you're not secure enough to be with me, then I have no problem saying "Next!"

I won't be with a girl who has an issue with me playing music, and I'm at the point that I won't deal with a bandmate who has a significant other who has an issue with him or her playing music. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt.

(sorry, but this is a topic I'm very passionate about. I consider myself both a masculinist and a feminist: I'm an advocate of both men and women not being doormats for each other).

 

[Kermin VH]

Everyone, a sincere thank you for all the advice.

To answer a few of the questions asked, there are no immediate plans for a tour. My bandmates and I are all serious about making a living at this, though, so a tour seems like an inevitability to me.

I am employed in a good job (I'm an auto mechanic), and I've told her repeatedly that there is NO WAY that I'd leave without AT LEAST $1,000 in savings to cover the bills and anything that comes up while I'm gone. I've also told her and my bandmates (while she and they were in the same room) that I'm not going to go on a tour where we're not at least gonna break even. So the money end of it, IMO, is moot.

I was not in a band or even very serious about trying to make a career in music when we met. My previous band had broken up about a year before we met, and I was too disheartened to even play much by myself, let alone get into another band. The itch eventually returned, however, and it's back with a vengeance. I want to make music my career, not just a hobby.

We've been together 2 1/2 years now.

She doesn't have any hobbies that she is as serious about as I am about my music. That said, she's a very talented photographer and artist, and I've told her that if that ever took off, I'd support her any way that I could (and I have, for the record; she's had a few gallery shows, and I've always been right beside her at every one). I try to include her in everything that I do, and I try to be involved in anything she does. I love her and I try to spend as much quality time with her as possible, and I've tried to make her undestand that IF we went on tour, when I came back, my time would be hers. This still seems to be unacceptable to her. :SIGH:

I don't really wanna push the issue now, because, as a few of you have said, bands come and go. I'd hate to lose an amazing woman over an argument about a hypothetical situation that may never come to fruition. At the same time, it's eating me up inside. I just wish I could resolve this in a positive way and have it behind me so I didn't have to have it weighing on my mind.

Again, thanks everyone, and I'll be sure to post what happens, if anything does.

 

[AwkwardLoudness]

There doesn't seem to be much choice here. Either dump her when the time comes to go on tour, or never tour and the relationship may sour anyway or end happily ever after. I'm guessing she cannot go touring with you. Stick with her if the BS is worth it to you...your call.

Some women (some guys too) are very needy and lack the ability to entertain themselves or find their own hobby.
I've had to dump girlfriends who got mad at me just for wanting to practice daily and do more gigging locally. I'll compromise on practice time, but not eliminate my music time altogether.

 

[Kermin VH]

Oh, and as for the "bad influence" thing, the only thing any of them do is one of them is a pothead, which really isn't my scene. We all drink socially, but not any more so than than her or anyone else for that matter.

 

[LiquidMidnight]

Some great input here.

As a married guy, let me say this: If I neglected everything else for the sake of my music, my wife has every right to leave me. She would be stupid not to. She needs to get something out of the relationship too.

Aside from the sex and drugs, there's practical stuff to deal with. Most women don't get into relationships so they can spend time alone. My wife wouldn't be happy if I neglected to pay the bills, left her to deal with the baby and all the housework for a month all by herself, not get any physical affection, have to to activities alone or not get to do any, feel unsafe because she's home alone, etc. Unfortunately, a few texts, e-mails, and a long phone call just don't make up for that for some women.

If you really want to make this thing work, find out what she really needs. Maybe the sex and drugs are the issue, a smokescreen, or not the real issue. Find out HER needs and address them. I find that with my wife and other women, if her needs are addressed, it's much easier for her to compromise to get you what you need.


I love music with pretty much every fiber in my being, and I spend LOTS of time on it. But in reality and the big picture, bands and opportunites come and go. A good wife is irreplaceable. If I'm down, my wife is there to pick me up, not my band mates. I make music with my band(s), but I make a life and family with my wife. At 40, as my belly gets wider, my hair gets grayer, and my hipness diminishes to the point that I become less appealing to groupies, my wife still wants to have rockstar sex with me. If I need to go to the hospital, my wife will take me there, not the drummer from my band from my 20s. And on my deathbed, Lord willing, my wife will be there with me while my bandmates from my younger days won't even be thinking of me.

As far as infidelity is concerned, don't fool yourself into thinking you are not susceptible. I've known many a greater man than I fall to temptation, so I know I'm definitely not immune to it. Even though I hope to never fall down that slippery slope, I try to avoid situations where that can happen because everyone has days when they are morally weak.

What it comes down to, is being in this relationship more important, or music? Neither answer is universally wrong, but it's up to the OP to decide what the right answer is.

I agree with you there, Jive. But I think there is a difference between significant others asking you to spend time with them, and significant others having emotional baggage about you playing music. To me, there's a difference between your spouse other getting miffed because you took a gig on the night that your son or daughter is graduating college and your significant other getting miffed because you took a gig where you'll be the center of attention. The latter is what is BS, IMO, and people shouldn't have to put up with that.

 

[tekhedd]

Look, you are not a kid and neither is she. Relationships are built on one thing, TRUST. If you don't have that you don't have anything.

So it comes to this. If you leave, she dumps you. If you don't, you get to stay in a hollow relationship. Congrats.

Apparently, I am forbidden from agreeing with this. But fortunately, I don't need to. I've been in the same situation. A woman who doesn't trust you will eventually drive you away. So... enjoy the relationship, avoid conflict by avoiding talking about things she doesn't want to hear if that's the kind of thing that works for you, but don't marry her until you're absolutely certain you want to give up gigging.

Just saying.

Doesn't she know you're a bass player and won't be getting any groupies anyway?

For the millionth time, I wish there was a "Like" button on this forum! It's so hard to explain to some people that unless you're mega famous, touring isn't anything like what you see in the movies. Especially if you play bass.

 

[OPBASSMAN1994]

WOW....look, ask her, "Do you trust me?" "Do you care enough about me, like I do about you, to let me follow my heart?" emphasize not just "I love you too much to do ________" but "Do you love ME enough to trust me not to do _________"?

If she can't trust you either your untrustworthy (have you even remotely, barely, perhaps done anything in the past to make her think this? Remember how incredibly sensitive some women can be), or she's a control freak that needs to grow up, plain and simple.

You have to work together if you want to be together.

A relationship takes effort from both halves.

 

[Joe Nerve]

I read a lot of this thread but not all.

I'm in a relationship with the same girl for 15 years, and I'm marrying her on June 26th.

I toured a lot of countries in Europe, the east coast several times, and spent a lot of time on the other side of the US playing shows or doing things music related. I never cheated on her. I never had any problems from her end about what I was doing. She was always happy I was doing what I loved. I never questioned what she was doing when I was on the road.

Some people are absolutely fine about their significant others touring, gigging, staying out all night recording, and playing gigs that you don't return from till 6AM. Some people aren't. I play with some guys who's girls aren't. It causes lots of problems. I couldn't be with someone like that.

I think that thinking the insecurity and lack of trust is normal and acceptible can cause a lot of problems. I think that many people can't imagine it any other way, think that they're doing something unreasonable and that nobody would put up with that kind of stuff, and for fear of being alone stick with the person who drives them crazy. I think some people willingly make the sacrifice because they feel their woman is a lot more important to them than their music. That, however is a real tough call because 25 years down the line they may question their choice. I'm babbling.

Ultimately I think it just comes down to what many have already said. What's more important. Your music, or your girl. I could never be happy sacrificing what I love for someone else's insecurities.