Man, you guys are lame. If I could get a rider, here's what I'd get:
- Penthouse suite in a 5 star hotel near the venue.
- A stretch limo with a sultry driver named Nadia to take me and the band around town.
- A credit card for use in any bar and strip club in town.
- Filet mignon for the band members and their wives/girlfriends/groupies, Outback steak for the roadies for each meal of the day.
- Roadies. Lots and lots of them.
- Groupies. Lots and lots of them.
- Basses. Lots and lots of them.
- Each bass will come in a 4,5,6 and 7 string version. Each of those basses will have a version with rosewood, maple, or fretless fingerboard, and each of those versions will have versions strung with flatwounds, roundwounds, half rounds, and tapewounds.
- Each bass will have it's own tech to make sure the action is just how I like it. Each tech will have a back up in case I get pissed at one and need to fire them on the spot.
- 5 Aguilar DB751s, 5 Mesa Boogie Super 400s, 10 Crest CA9s, 4 Bergantino NV610s, 2 DB810s, 4 Sunn Coliseum 2x15s, 10 Ampeg B15s, and a 1x12 combo. At least that's what I'd want in the green room.
- 20 Avalon 737s as my direct outs, and my main mix going through a Midas Venice F32 mixer, with at least 2 banks of 10 channels ran in stereo. My monitor can go through an Allen and Heath ML3000. 4 Meyers sound wedges for my monitor, and 8 wedges for my bandmates to get my signal.
- A soundman for my FOH mix, another for my monitor mix, and another to control my bandmate's monitor mix. The soundman must have had a shower in the last 24 hours.
- A babysitter for the drummer. Wait, make that 2.
- A girl in a french maid outfit, and another in a naughty schoolgirl outfit following me onstage to make sure my cords don't get tangled and a wireless system with 24 redundant channels.
- A backstage area with a Greco-Roman theme with fresh togas for us to wear between sets. Girls in skimpy togas will fan us with giant palm leaves and feed us grapes.
- Gold Bond powder, and twins with ample assets whose sole job is to apply it.
- 2 body guards named Butch and Zeus who will kick whoever's arse we ask them to. A commando unit will be kept on 24 hour instant deployment in case Butch and Zeus go down.
- 4 pounds of red Swedish fish, a sack of White Castle sliders, and a case of pork rinds.
- A mobile bar and bartender to follow the band around.
- Esperanza Spaulding as my backup bassist, wearing one of several skimpy outfits of my choosing.
- A Swedish masseuse named Heidi, a sexy housekeeper named Maria with a skimpy pink uniform, a naughty nurse named Vanessa, and 2 or 3 Asian secretaries in very short skirts that can also do manicures and pedicures.
- The services of Johnny Cochran's law firm on retainer during our stay, and on the road till the next venue.
I think that's a good start.
