Passive-aggressive behavior

[LBS-bass]

Go with your gut. Stop wasting energy on this.
Who's the BL?

Up until recently, me.

 

[LBS-bass]

If you think this is still an issue worth addressing even though you've already handed over the reins, maybe you could ask him if you did something to put him off.

We all manage to offend or trigger someone unintentionally/unknowingly. When he explains it from his perspective, maybe you'll find that it's something understandable and for which you can make amends. Or maybe he reveals himself to be suffering from some combination of -isms and immaturity.

I know you've been stoked about this project for a long time. If there's a possibility of salvaging it with a simple question, maybe it's worth a shot.

Well, I didn't want to get too far into the weeds here, but we had a big band meeting about a year ago where he hinted at some resentments that surprised me and seemed unreasonable, to be honest. One had to do with a seriously good drummer that I was unable to recruit, and the fact that we were having to "make do" with someone less experienced, and the other had to do with my flippant choice of words at times. I can turn a colorful phrase and have a silly side - sometimes when we do a first take and it's really good I will say something like, "wow, that really didn't suck!" and he called me out for "negativity" over that.

I was taken aback, but we moved forward and I tried not to be quite so flippant moving forward, but I don't think it helped.

In retrospect I'm now reading that as "girls are only supposed to be flowers and moonbeams and shouldn't have a cynical, humorous side." Which is, as you know, not really gonna fly with me.

As for the drummer, well, I tried hard to recruit that guy but he wasn't ready to come out of Covid hibernation. He's also a bit of a flake, a detail I kept to myself, but I never really thought he'd stay with the project for the long haul anyway.

But I never saw anyone else lift a finger to recruit a drummer into this band, world-class or otherwise, did I?

 

[Old Garage-Bander]

We've been having a similar problem with the drummer for several months now. Plus missed rehearsals due to travel which he doesn't always tell us about in advance. And a major venue booking in October which he can't make due to travel. A fill-in and possible replacement is being sought.

It's just disrespectful and unacceptable. And I won't tolerate it.

The drummer? The DRUMMER?? You know what to do.

 

[Hambone70]

Goodness… what drama.

I like these threads. They stop my urge to join a band!

 

[nick4bass]

I posted the video to try to lighten things up a little bit. But in all seriousness now:
I overlook a lot of crap (well maybe not a lot, but some) in the bands I play with currently. Unresponsiveness is one thing not permitted in my world. My kids know this and my grandkids are figuring it out. My bandmates thankfully have not been a problem in this regard, maybe because they are mostly old like me. But even the youngsters in the bands I sub for are not a problem. We all should be communicating like adults, life is too short. If a group text goes out and we’re waiting on a reply from one of the recipients, someone (not necessarily the sender) will call them out. Like “Fred? Hello?” FYI I’m not currently in a band with someone named Fred

 

[N. Kentucky Bass]

I’ll try to keep this short. Band member rebelling by not responding to my texts in group chat. He responds to the male lead singer.

it’s not a perception on my part; everyone has complained to me about it. The problem is they complain to me. By default I do almost all of the administrative work, etc.

Once I recognized this as passive-aggressive stuff aimed at me, I texted the singer and asked him to handle group announcements, etc. he agreed. I then told the band I was handing that over and the problem member gave an enthusiastic thumbs up.

The drummer suggests I have a talk with this guy. Ordinarily I agree that open communication is key, but my experience with p/a people is that’s just an opportunity for them to gaslight you, which they will do by telling you it’s your imagination. Again, the whole band is seeing this.

not sure how I’ll ultimately move forward. I don’t want to add drama and am inclined to just pull back and let them figure out how to drive the car. I’m not inclined to waste any more energy on this.

what say you? Should I bother?

Maybe you remind him of an ex-wife or ex-girlfriend? Some of these questions have answers that are unknowable. Don't waste your time worrying about his weirdness.

 

[Richard Lindsey]

IMO: A one-to-one meeting probably wouldn't work and shouldn't be on you anyway. If the band members have all noticed it and complained about it, then it's a band problem rather than a you problem, and expecting you to fix it on your own seems like a copout on their part. That being the case, I would have suggested a band meeting; but if you have little confidence that the other members will step up and have your back, then that's probably out too. So it looks like what remains is to step back, as you say you're doing.

(P.S. If you do decide you want to talk about this in a band meeting, I would suggest focusing less on desired changes in attitude or thinking or feeling or being than on desired actions to be taken. Like answering the f@#$%^g text messages. Regardless of what the guy thinks or feels, what, specifically, would you want him to do differently? I know this seems obvious, but once in a while being reminded of the obvious may not be such a bad thing.)

 

[mike buzzetti]

RUN as fast as you can , find a new GOOD gig .

 

[LBS-bass]

RUN as fast as you can , find a new GOOD gig .

In every other way, this has been one of the best gigs of my life.

 

[Aussie Player]

If you think this is still an issue worth addressing even though you've already handed over the reins, maybe you could ask him if you did something to put him off.

We all manage to offend or trigger someone unintentionally/unknowingly. When he explains it from his perspective, maybe you'll find that it's something understandable and for which you can make amends. Or maybe he reveals himself to be suffering from some combination of -isms and immaturity.

I know you've been stoked about this project for a long time. If there's a possibility of salvaging it with a simple question, maybe it's worth a shot.

No, don't ask that or you put yourself in a submissive, subordinate, position and anoint him as the alpha.
Always maintain equal partnership as a contributor to the band as a whole.

 

[coy garcia]

This thread reminds me of how grateful I am for my bandmates. Even though various players in different groups come and go we average 30yrs of history and are family. We did drama when we were young and have grown as people and players over the years. Just being around them makes me happy.

 

[mambo4]

Someone else is going to need to start booking shows, vetting venues, crafting set lists, sponsoring ads, maintaining our mailing list, etc.

They aren't networked locally the way I am, but I don't think they understand what that brings to the table, and they probably need to see it for themselves.

I've been in a band with such a valuable member, and when they quit it folded promptly. It is a position worthy of respect and clout, and it far outweighs those of us who just show up and play.

 

[Katoosie]

Goodness… what drama.

I like these threads. They stop my urge to join a band!

Yeeeeaaaaaaaahhh.

@LBS-bass
As a fellow woman and a doer - I am sorry for you.

Let them handle everything and see how far you all go? Or leave if you no longer like it. Life is too short!

 

[LBS-bass]

I've been in a band with such a valuable member, and when they quit \ it folded promptly.
It is a position worthy of respect and clout, and it far outweighs those of us who just show up and play.

They also rehearse in my studio...

 

[bonin in the boneyard]

In retrospect I'm now reading that as "girls are only supposed to be flowers and moonbeams and shouldn't have a cynical, humorous side." Which is, as you know, not really gonna fly with me.

Nor should it.

And for what it's worth, I think you're right and he has a problem.

But with a simple question, you can remove any doubt.

 

[basseux]

In retrospect I'm now reading that as "girls are only supposed to be flowers and moonbeams and shouldn't have a cynical, humorous side." Which is, as you know, not really gonna fly with me.

I think it's just that some people react bad to cynism or bluntness.
Everything must be sugar coated for them, or you will crush their soul.

There is maybe a slight detail in your persona or your approach, that, to him, makes everything sound as negative.

It reminds me a two colleagues, they couldn't stand each other and it reached a point where, any slight word would be misinterpreted and taken as a declaration of war.
There was no way that after so much time it would change.

 

[LBS-bass]

Nor should it.

And for what it's worth, I think you're right and he has a problem.

But with a simple question, you can remove any doubt.

I have zero doubt.

Asking him a question will most likely only make him more defensive and hostile.

As someone who grew up with a sibling who has a severe personality disorder, my gut is pretty clear on how these things play out. But I did ask the question here.

 

[Old Garage-Bander]

Gender shouldn't be an issue. If the other band member is making it that, even in the slightest, then there is nothing but trouble ahead for the whole band.
You need to get all bad-ass with this person, and the horse they rode in on. Any half-hearted attempt that fails will only make matters worse.
If it doesn't solve things you need to be prepared to tell the other members you're leaving, and act on it.
Wish you all the best.

 

[LBS-bass]

IMO: A one-to-one meeting probably wouldn't work and shouldn't be on you anyway. If the band members have all noticed it and complained about it, then it's a band problem rather than a you problem, and expecting you to fix it on your own seems like a copout on their part. That being the case, I would have suggested a band meeting; but if you have little confidence that the other members will step up and have your back, then that's probably out too. So it looks like what remains is to step back, as you say you're doing.

(P.S. If you do decide you want to talk about this in a band meeting, I would suggest focusing less on desired changes in attitude or thinking or feeling or being than on desired actions to be taken. Like answering the f@#$%^g text messages.

Oh, that's fine when a man makes demands, but if I did that I'd be bossy. Y'all know it's true. The things we have to navigate differently are legion. I've already been told I'm too demanding for repeating my request for a response one time "too quickly."

 

[Keyser Soze]

.... If the band members have all noticed it and complained about it, then it's a band problem rather than a you problem, and expecting you to fix it on your own seems like a copout on their part.

This.

Your non-PA bandmates need to man- and woman up and circle the wagons to nip this toxic behavior in the bud. Make it clear that NO ONE in the group will tolerate toxic PA activity directed at a fellow band member. Shine that light on this jerk in a band meeting. But, like a lawyer, "know the answer to the question before you ask it." That is, if you don't feel you have 100% support from your fellow band members, this approach won't work. So do your back channel, one-on-one recon before you call the band meeting.

Good luck. It's sad to walk away from a project you love.