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Passive-aggressive behavior
- Thread starter LBS-bass
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Thanks! I have a fun, drama-free gig happening tonight with some really good players and I'm looking forward to it.Then there you go
You can enjoy your weekend and your other gigs.
Cool! Have a great gig!
I can't give you advice since we're only seeing your side of the picture. But I can help think through some options:
1. "It's him or me." This is not going to end well, especially since you're already at a point where you feel you can't address it directly with him. So you could gather the other guys, explain the situation, and make them choose. If they choose you then you'll have to find a new guy but can continue doing the things you feel need to be done. If they choose him, then they don't appreciate your extra work and you're better off without them anyway.
2. Stay, but stop doing the extra work. You're doing the extra work because no one else is willing to. If you stop doing it then it simply won't get done and the band will flop from this vital work not being done. End result= band dies and you have to find a new band.
3. Just leave. Maybe start putting feelers out and find better people to play with. End result= who knows? Could be better, could be worse.
If it were me, I'd go with #1, especially since you're past talking this out. Worst thing that can happen is you get a chance to find a new band that might appreciate you more.
Kind of my take too. This has upset you to the point where you came here to vent. A one on one with the person doesn't have to be confrontational if you play it right. Maybe a sort of " hey, what's up " kind of moment will present itself and you can find out once and for all what the problem is. If you value this person's contributions to the band, I would think its worth finding out where they are coming from. You'll never know if you stay silent and don't ask.
It just doesn't work that way with people who are passive-aggressive. They don't just say "yeah, you're right, I've been doing that." They say "no way am I doing that, you're just imagining things." So, no doubt is removed, they just make it worse.
As BL I consider myself very fortunate to now be in a joint where everybody is over themselves and we don't have this childish crap anymore. However, this has not always been the case.
I tend to be fairly laid back BL, but I get assertive real quick with behavior like this that has high potential to tear down a group dynamic.
If I was a BL that runs things as a benevolent dictatorship, then I'd pull them aside and tell them to knock it off. If they didn't, then I'd eventually end up firing them. If I was a BL that runs things as democratically as possible, then I'd lead a group discussion at the next rehearsal. Let everyone air their grievances, work towards solutions as a group, and also clearly set expectations for behavior and communication. If everyone's been seeing the p/a behavior, doing it as a group also fences in chances for gaslighting... it's real hard to gaslight a group of people compared to just one. And if the behavior continues, then the group could consider letting them go.
What I absolutely refuse to do when handling a p/a type is to give in to it, as that reinforces the behavior and increases likelihood for it to intensify, continue, and/or repeat.
I tend to be fairly laid back BL, but I get assertive real quick with behavior like this that has high potential to tear down a group dynamic.
If I was a BL that runs things as a benevolent dictatorship, then I'd pull them aside and tell them to knock it off. If they didn't, then I'd eventually end up firing them. If I was a BL that runs things as democratically as possible, then I'd lead a group discussion at the next rehearsal. Let everyone air their grievances, work towards solutions as a group, and also clearly set expectations for behavior and communication. If everyone's been seeing the p/a behavior, doing it as a group also fences in chances for gaslighting... it's real hard to gaslight a group of people compared to just one. And if the behavior continues, then the group could consider letting them go.
What I absolutely refuse to do when handling a p/a type is to give in to it, as that reinforces the behavior and increases likelihood for it to intensify, continue, and/or repeat.
Hmm, well you may be right, I don't have much experience with PA people. But, I still think you can approach this in a non confrontational way, like not accusing him/her of anything, but just asking a general welfare type of question like, is everything ok. If he/she climbs down your throat, then at least you know where they are coming from, and move on from that. If it was me, I would be dying to know what the problem is, whether real or imagined ( on their part ), than always wondering what's going on with that person. Totally up to you though, you're living in that world, not us. Good luck !
Oh, I'm aware; hence the feeling that stepping back is the only real option in the situation described.
Imagine your bass is a baseball bat. Grab it by the neck, sneak up behind him and swing for the bleachers. He’ll thank you for it, I’m sure. 
Welcome to band. One without at least one lunatic is not a thing
Don’t let them rent space in your head , let it go , don’t play the game
The one thing I've learned in my 30 years of gigging in bands is you can't fix A-holes.
Step back.
If that doesn't work........move on.
Step back.
If that doesn't work........move on.
Mansplaining is when a person assumes a woman needs instruction and instructs her on something she already knows. If you're in the habit of doing that sort of thing with both men and women, it's an equal problem.
But it has little to nothing to do with the topic here
Nobody's mansplaining anything to me; I think most of the know better.
You don't have to be a puppetmaster, just someone that the new BL can consult with as needed.
There's nothing worse than being in a band, except not being in a band.
I agree, but it doesn't always work. In my other band when the guitar player put out a text, more of less announcing a hiatus until Fall (mainly because two of the members kept cancelling practice), we still having heard from one band member. He was notorious on every practice day at not responding to "Fred, can you practice tonight?" It gets old. Just a thumbs up would work. Answer back!!!
Yes, a band meeting would be the way to go, IMO.
I didn't know it at the time, but I took the place of the most valuable member of a band, because he quit. It worked out okay but I eventually got a better gig and he came back into the band cause he had missed it.
Then you have MAJOR upper hand. It sounds to me like it's time for you to fire this member of the band.
Absolutely!
It certainly is. It's even sad to walk away from a project that you only like as a friend.
Seriously? This lady takes credit for her own work, or she doesn't do the work. I have zero interest in operating as a shadow BL in any capacity. It's a lot of work and I'd just as soon not do it at all.
Who is the bandleader? You or the leadsinger. Either way, the bandleader need to adress it personally or tell that however is not responding to you agree. If you are the bandleader he is rejecting or questioning your authority. In the case your are the bandleader the leadsinger should direct the member with his comments to you. Making it chrystal clear your handling this. I’ m a bandleader and however is not responding agrees or loose vote. I have two of them. Explain it takes to much time and you have a life.
To ad. Don’t know what the subject was. Be sure to make small decisions by yourself. If you are the leader. No need to agree on small subjects. Most people don’t like to make decisions. They will thank you. Also communicate this beforhand.
Good luck you can do this!
To ad. Don’t know what the subject was. Be sure to make small decisions by yourself. If you are the leader. No need to agree on small subjects. Most people don’t like to make decisions. They will thank you. Also communicate this beforhand.
Good luck you can do this!
Are you sure that you aren't the one being P/A?
Our BL got called out by our guitar player because he was doing all request nights (which meant any song that basically anyone requested that he even sorta knew and could find the words and chords to on his laptop. we tried to play, even if we didn't know it. On one particular night I recall we did an AC/DC song that the BL knew but I, playing bass, had never even heard. If I've heard a song I can take a stab at playing it but it makes it much more difficult to have not ever heard the song) after which the BL became P/A about the song list at shows and wouldn't even call any songs, just standing there between songs until someone in the band called out a song. It was, and still is, a mess.
Don't let this drag on, that's only hurting you and certainly isn't hurting him.
If all the other band members think this guy is being a real d*^k then maybe it's time to have a short talk with them. Just point out that by him ignoring you over gig bookings and such it makes it very difficult to commit to paying jobs for the band. Also that it's rude of him and that it wastes a lot of your time, to the pint where you are considering your future.
I'd be looking at confronting him about his attitude, (not in an aggressive way, but firm and to the point) but first be sure of you're support from the rest of the band and be sure of what you can live with. It may come down to walking away from the band if it all goes south....
Good luck with this situation, but please don't let it go on and drag you down, no one else is going to appreciate your sacrifice.
PS. I used to deal with industrial negotiations. I always did my homework, was prepared and knew what the arguments and reactions would likely be.
Play hard, but in a reasonable and measured voice.
If all the other band members think this guy is being a real d*^k then maybe it's time to have a short talk with them. Just point out that by him ignoring you over gig bookings and such it makes it very difficult to commit to paying jobs for the band. Also that it's rude of him and that it wastes a lot of your time, to the pint where you are considering your future.
I'd be looking at confronting him about his attitude, (not in an aggressive way, but firm and to the point) but first be sure of you're support from the rest of the band and be sure of what you can live with. It may come down to walking away from the band if it all goes south....
Good luck with this situation, but please don't let it go on and drag you down, no one else is going to appreciate your sacrifice.
PS. I used to deal with industrial negotiations. I always did my homework, was prepared and knew what the arguments and reactions would likely be.
Play hard, but in a reasonable and measured voice.
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