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Passive-aggressive behavior
- Thread starter LBS-bass
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For better or worse, I’m the walk away type. I don’t do well with disrespect. And can’t keep a lid on my feelings for long. I wouldn't be able to abide this. So for me this would constitute a flawed situation that would be doomed to fail.
I’d tell someone I trust why I was leaving; can’t abide the games, the disrespect, and I’m not feeling the support from the others.
Maybe they’d offer to try to solve it by confronting the guy. Maybe they wouldn’t, then realize later that they should have. Maybe he turns his behavior on one of them, then they realize the truth, dump him and ask me back. Or maybe they all get along famously without me, which would indicate, for whatever reason, it wasn’t the right fit for me.
That’s how I’d probably play it. For better or worse.
In any case, sorry. This is no fun. You deserve better. Best of luck whatever you decide.
Either settle it once and for all, or can him and move on. Let him be someone else’s problem. He can’t be that good that it’s worth the trouble.
Normally, tough talks and criticisms I would handle in private. In this case, I'd say it's band meeting time. Hopefully, when confronted, the other bandmates will back you up on this passive aggressive behavior. Of course this is only if you feel this situation can be salvaged. If the problem band member won't change their behavior or you feel it isn't worth the effort, because it is really what is best for the band, might be time to hold a vote on replacing him.
Having read through this thread, my advice has changed. You are personally invested in the success of this band. If you pull back to let someone else drive and the band fails, I think you would have a hard time getting over it.
Call this turd a turd. Call him on his behavior. You aren't looking for "instant response to orders". You only want a response in a reasonable time. The band doesn't revolve around any one, specific person.
It might very well be a "him or me" situation. Ya'll rehearse in your studio, I think the scales are already tipped in your favor. If they decide to let you go instead, at least you won't have to take part in the eventual downfall of the band.
Call this turd a turd. Call him on his behavior. You aren't looking for "instant response to orders". You only want a response in a reasonable time. The band doesn't revolve around any one, specific person.
It might very well be a "him or me" situation. Ya'll rehearse in your studio, I think the scales are already tipped in your favor. If they decide to let you go instead, at least you won't have to take part in the eventual downfall of the band.
I am not big on swallowing overt disrespect either. And don't be the only workhorse in a field of jackasses.
Well... I had a really great show tonight with the other band. There were crossover people there who are on the mailing list for the band in question, which is a good testament to the success that we've been able to build with that band so far. Also, our newest member came out to see this band tonight.
I'm feeling very generous tonight in the wake of a good show and I don't want this problem to ruin what we've all managed to build. I don't think I can keep doing things as I have been, but I'm going to lay low and see how things play out once I'm not doing the administrative stuff.
Everyone in that band has worked hard to make their piece of this what it is and I don't want to just kill it because I'm pissed at one guy. Maybe that guy ultimately needs to be replaced, or maybe he'll come to his senses, or maybe the other members will realize they need to have my back a little more moving forward. We shall see.
That being said, this other band has a lot of potential and the bandleader wants my help. So... moving right along, I feel like I have a zero-drama place to land where I can do the things I do and be a bit more appreciated, so that feels good.
I'm feeling very generous tonight in the wake of a good show and I don't want this problem to ruin what we've all managed to build. I don't think I can keep doing things as I have been, but I'm going to lay low and see how things play out once I'm not doing the administrative stuff.
Everyone in that band has worked hard to make their piece of this what it is and I don't want to just kill it because I'm pissed at one guy. Maybe that guy ultimately needs to be replaced, or maybe he'll come to his senses, or maybe the other members will realize they need to have my back a little more moving forward. We shall see.
That being said, this other band has a lot of potential and the bandleader wants my help. So... moving right along, I feel like I have a zero-drama place to land where I can do the things I do and be a bit more appreciated, so that feels good.
oh I call that crap out at the next rehearsal;
"Hey - WE are a band and I do most of the organizing. YOU need to answer my requests when they come out. What is YOUR problem. Because MY problem is listening to everyone else complain to ME about you."
And this probably leads back to the female in the band thread...Guy doesn't want to be seen texting another woman.
"Hey - WE are a band and I do most of the organizing. YOU need to answer my requests when they come out. What is YOUR problem. Because MY problem is listening to everyone else complain to ME about you."
And this probably leads back to the female in the band thread...Guy doesn't want to be seen texting another woman.
I had a passive aggressive drummer once who gaslighted the crap out of our band leader. It was intolerable and stupid. He was a really good drummer though. But I’ve learned, you can’t fix stupid.
right on! its about the music right? ! your a musician with stuff to offer,, work the magic...
I was going to post my opinion here, but I don't feel like it. What possessed you to start this thread anyway? 
The sarcasm thread is down the hall and to your rightI was going to post my opinion here, but I don't feel like it. What possessed you to start this thread anyway?
You had to know this was coming though right? Anyway, hope the guy grows up.
The sarcasm thread is down the hall and to your right
It is really weak when someone is a perfect fit for a band, but their personality or lack there of gets in the way of everything
maybe the other members will realize they need to have my back a little more moving forward. We shall see.
This definitely needs to happen! They all see it too, they need to speak up. anyway, glad you had a good gig, and feel you have a good landing space. Obviously the work you’ve put in makes it super tough to walk away, and from what you say, the music itself is good. Wishing you the best with this!
This definitely needs to happen! They all see it too, they need to speak up. anyway, glad you had a good gig, and feel you have a good landing space. Obviously the work you’ve put in makes it super tough to walk away, and from what you say, the music itself is good. Wishing you the best with this!
So..... the band consists of OP, the passive aggressive person, and 2(?) other people who are willing to complain behind PA's back, but not willing to talk to PA face to face?
Oooof.
Oooof.
Talk to him. Ask why he is behaving how he is. If you can't reach an agreement, he'll have to go I'm afraid. Nobody likes negativity in an environment that is supposed to be fun.
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