Passive-aggressive behavior

[glocke1]

I’ll try to keep this short. Band member rebelling by not responding to my texts in group chat. He responds to the male lead singer.

it’s not a perception on my part; everyone has complained to me about it. The problem is they complain to me. By default I do almost all of the administrative work, etc.

Once I recognized this as passive-aggressive stuff aimed at me, I texted the singer and asked him to handle group announcements, etc. he agreed. I then told the band I was handing that over and the problem member gave an enthusiastic thumbs up.

The drummer suggests I have a talk with this guy. Ordinarily I agree that open communication is key, but my experience with p/a people is that’s just an opportunity for them to gaslight you, which they will do by telling you it’s your imagination. Again, the whole band is seeing this.

not sure how I’ll ultimately move forward. I don’t want to add drama and am inclined to just pull back and let them figure out how to drive the car. I’m not inclined to waste any more energy on this.

what say you? Should I bother?

I wouldn't waste my time. Communication problems have been solved by having the singer handle all that.

If this other person has some kind of personal problem with you, than that is his problem and not yours.

 

[Geogio]

"...what say you? Should I bother?

Rename him dick... use it often.

He might be a bully, or is "bully" and "passive-aggressive" synonymous these days? I have been declared passive aggressive, by a person who was trying to rip me off and I put a stop to it immediately, and so I get labeled but that's a whole different set of circumstances than what you're going through with her.

 

[Tom Bomb]

Gaslighting is so counterproductive. Look to candlepower instead

Nice problem to have. Best of luck.

… not sure how I’ll ultimately move forward.

 

[Nev375]

Well, I didn't want to get too far into the weeds here, but we had a big band meeting about a year ago where he hinted at some resentments that surprised me and seemed unreasonable, to be honest. ...<snip>... and the other had to do with my flippant choice of words at times. I can turn a colorful phrase and have a silly side - sometimes when we do a first take and it's really good I will say something like, "wow, that really didn't suck!" and he called me out for "negativity" over that.

When you say "wow that really didn't suck" it logically implies that you think every other time you do a take it actually DOES suck. It's a passive-aggressive kind of thing to say.

I don't know how often these sort of comments happen, but it is perfectly reasonable and justified for him to call you out on this type of commentary. Such statements ARE negative and they DO cause people to resent you. Maybe you didn't mean it like that, but people can't read your mind and a lot of people don't like to confront others by bringing it up. They don't want to get labeled as over sensitive or risk being the one accused of starting drama.

Be careful about what you say and how the words you chose might hurt other people's feelings. Feelings are a big deal to some people, especially creative types. We don't all have the same sense of humor.

 

[BassyBill]

George Carlin: “It really is amazing how many problems can be solved with a simple baseball bat.”

 

[basseux]

You only want a response in a reasonable time.

For practical purposes, what is a reasonable time ?

 

[Geogio]

Am I doing something wrong?"

I disagree, by making a comment such as am I doing something wrong you are transferring the "power" back. Especially if you have done absolutely nothing to warrant rude behavior, Call him on it, better yet the group releases the offensive fool and the band retains an aire of decency and professionalism.
There are too many good dogs out there to be saddled with a biter.

 

[themickster]

I’ll try to keep this short. Band member rebelling by not responding to my texts in group chat. He responds to the male lead singer.

it’s not a perception on my part; everyone has complained to me about it. The problem is they complain to me. By default I do almost all of the administrative work, etc.

Once I recognized this as passive-aggressive stuff aimed at me, I texted the singer and asked him to handle group announcements, etc. he agreed. I then told the band I was handing that over and the problem member gave an enthusiastic thumbs up.

The drummer suggests I have a talk with this guy. Ordinarily I agree that open communication is key, but my experience with p/a people is that’s just an opportunity for them to gaslight you, which they will do by telling you it’s your imagination. Again, the whole band is seeing this.

not sure how I’ll ultimately move forward. I don’t want to add drama and am inclined to just pull back and let them figure out how to drive the car. I’m not inclined to waste any more energy on this.

what say you? Should I bother?

We're always better off without passive aggressives, psychopaths, sociopaths and narcissists. Getting rid of them isn't easy. We sacked our last drummer as soon as he started showing destructive behaviour. A few months later an old friend of his said 'Have you got a non-psychotic drummer yet?'

 

[pepj]

Re read some things. He has a problem and it may be one of basic respect. Thats not really fixable so one has to go.
Depends how you want to play that..
you could say you are stepping back or you could try and force him out..

 

[buldog5151bass]

My thought is this - you treated a symptom. Is there something bigger underneath, or will doing this cover all the issues? Only time will tell

I've never really cared about the "hang", certainly not since college. I'm there for the music and the gigs.

 

[glocke1]

When you say "wow that really didn't suck" it logically implies that you think every other time you do a take it actually DOES suck. It's a passive-aggressive kind of thing to say.

I don't know how often these sort of comments happen, but it is perfectly reasonable and justified for him to call you out on this type of commentary. Such statements ARE negative and they DO cause people to resent you. Maybe you didn't mean it like that, but people can't read your mind and a lot of people don't like to confront others by bringing it up. They don't want to get labeled as over sensitive or risk being the one accused of starting drama.

Be careful about what you say and how the words you chose might hurt other people's feelings. Feelings are a big deal to some people, especially creative types. We don't all have the same sense of humor.

I can't help but not comment on this part. While everyone should put effort into not being a tool or saying things like the person you quoted said, you really can't control how people will feel or react, thats just simply impossible unless you want to devote your life to walking on eggshells around people. I've found myself in several situations where I've made the most benign statements and people still took some offense at what I said.

I won't say I don't care about other peoples feelings because that isn't true, but I can't be responsible for people taking offense in an unpredictable manner.

I even know people that have gotten offended or behaved oddly with me showing up with an expensive bass or two basses to a jam session or some other ridiculous thing like me getting warmed up and getting the blood flowing by playing slap bass lines at a low volume.

People just need to develop thicker skins and the understanding that every perceived slight is not directed at them or even a slight. Using my own experiences as an example, a few years back I was taking some jazz ensemble workshops and the others in the class were far more experienced players than I was at the time. The feedback and criticism I got from those people left me at times almost in tears as it was harsh and honest...Instead of being upset about it I used it as tool to grow more and to focus/work on what they were commenting about. I emerged from that experience a better player and a stronger individual.

Of course...there is the reality that often times a person is just a tool and acting like one and people need to learn how to recognize that behavior and learn to deal with it.

 

[frankie5string]

It seems like the more stuff I do in the traditional rock genre with others, the more likely there is to be someone with p/a or sociopathic tendencies in the band. There are ways of dealing with those types without completely tearing the band apart but it looks like most people here have covered that.

Funnily enough, I don't see those kinds of personality issues in the Yacht Rock or Soul groups I spend more time with. The prog (or at least English prog) guys were all super-humble, too. Interesting...

 

[jnewmark]

Good comments. I'll say one more thing, then let it go. If it were me in this situation, and I perceived what is being called " passive-agressive " behavior towards me, ( and no one else in the band ), then I would want to know why its directed my way, and have a conversation, in a non threatening way, with this person. A band meeting to discuss something that seems to be between two members, is not the direction I would suggest; it might seem like " ganging up " on that person, whereas a one on one , friendly conversation might be more conducive to solving the problem. Bottom line, I would like to find out or understand why this person is acting this way towards me; not knowing would drive me crazy. Again, I do not know what the dynamic is between band members. In past situations, for me, if a problem developed between two band members, the BL always said, " Work it out between you two ". My two cents.

 

[51PRI]

When you say "wow that really didn't suck" it logically implies that you think every other time you do a take it actually DOES suck. It's a passive-aggressive kind of thing to say.....

Hmmm......

 

[Nev375]

People just need to develop thicker skins and the understanding that every perceived slight is not directed at them or even a slight. Using my own experiences as an example, a few years back I was taking some jazz ensemble workshops and the others in the class were far more experienced players than I was at the time. The feedback and criticism I got from those people left me at times almost in tears as it was harsh and honest...Instead of being upset about it I used it as tool to grow more and to focus/work on what they were commenting about. I emerged from that experience a better player and a stronger individual.

I totally agree with you. That's why I said "I don't know how often these sort of comments happen..." If it was a single instance I wouldn't question it. I've made similar comments like that without thinking. To me it was just humorous banter, but later I discovered I had been offending people without knowing and I found myself inexplicably ejected from the band. Months later It was explained to me that my repeated jokes gave them the impression I really wasn't into what they were doing and I wasn't happy. I would have appreciated a band leader confronting me and giving me an alternate perspective so I could have a chance to adjust how I say things and become a better individual.

I'm not talking about dealing with people who get offended at everything and whine and complain so you have to walk on eggshells. It sounds like this BL is the opposite and willing to confront when necessary.

 

[51PRI]

Good comments. I'll say one more thing, then let it go. If it were me in this situation, and I perceived what is being called " passive-agressive " behavior towards me, ( and no one else in the band ), then I would want to know why its directed my way, and have a conversation, in a non threatening way, with this person. A band meeting to discuss something that seems to be between two members, is not the direction I would suggest; it might seem like " ganging up " on that person, whereas a one on one , friendly conversation might be more conducive to the problem. Bottom line, I would like to find out or understand why this person is acting this way towards me; not knowing would drive me crazy. Again, I do not know what the dynamic is between band members. In past situations, for me, if a problem developed between two band members, the BL always said, " Work it out between you two ". My two cents.

Is there any chance that the OP is dealing with a P/A person who is having trouble with a jealous significant other at home? I have a friend in another band who had that problem.

 

[jnewmark]

Is there any chance that the OP is dealing with a P/A person who is having trouble with a jealous significant other at home? I have a friend in another band who had that problem.

Anything is possible, but, again, if you don't ask, you'll never know, imho.

 

[Honkey tonk]

Clearly your not every one's BL, to be a successful leader means your choice of directions leads more often than not to a better place. In said dudes head you and him have issues only you and him need to figure out , sometimes people knowingly piss others off sometimes and usually it's not transparent on the outside, got to be more to it, didn't read the whole thread
Learn to steer friction to a better direction

 

[JeezyMcNuggles]

I’ll try to keep this short. Band member rebelling by not responding to my texts in group chat. He responds to the male lead singer.

it’s not a perception on my part; everyone has complained to me about it. The problem is they complain to me. By default I do almost all of the administrative work, etc.

Once I recognized this as passive-aggressive stuff aimed at me, I texted the singer and asked him to handle group announcements, etc. he agreed. I then told the band I was handing that over and the problem member gave an enthusiastic thumbs up.

The drummer suggests I have a talk with this guy. Ordinarily I agree that open communication is key, but my experience with p/a people is that’s just an opportunity for them to gaslight you, which they will do by telling you it’s your imagination. Again, the whole band is seeing this.

not sure how I’ll ultimately move forward. I don’t want to add drama and am inclined to just pull back and let them figure out how to drive the car. I’m not inclined to waste any more energy on this.

what say you? Should I bother?

This one's on you.

I don't play with people I don't like.

 

[basseux]

When you say "wow that really didn't suck" it logically implies that you think every other time you do a take it actually DOES suck. It's a passive-aggressive kind of thing to say.

I don't know how often these sort of comments happen, but it is perfectly reasonable and justified for him to call you out on this type of commentary. Such statements ARE negative and they DO cause people to resent you. Maybe you didn't mean it like that, but people can't read your mind and a lot of people don't like to confront others by bringing it up. They don't want to get labeled as over sensitive or risk being the one accused of starting drama.

Be careful about what you say and how the words you chose might hurt other people's feelings. Feelings are a big deal to some people, especially creative types. We don't all have the same sense of humor.

I think passive aggressive would more like gently saying to the person with a kind smile "this is great you really did well this time".
I don't think that "we didn't suck this time !" saying with enthousiasme and playfullness correspond to that, it's more self deprecating humor, but that can be taken as negative for sure.
In fact that person might even be hurt by a compliment, because if you do a compliment now, why didn't you do one earlier ?

But anyway since music is more a hobby, and it's supposed to be cool, I have seen more of this issues at my day job, and this sort of issue rarely ends well, usually people are more and more reinforced in thinking the issue is the other.
Even if they both put water in their wine (french expression), when somone will be to happy or too sad, someone will say something the other is not able to stand at the moment, and it will explode.

I hope some solution is found for OP