1. Please take 30 seconds to register your free account to remove most ads, post topics, make friends, earn reward points at our store, and more!  

Perfectly Useless Bass Products

Discussion in 'Bass Humor & Gig Stories [BG]' started by Warpeg, Nov 2, 2018.

  1. Warpeg

    Warpeg Supporting Member

    Jun 20, 2005
    Okay, this one may end up being pretty wacky. How about we test Talkbass members' imaginations, but in a somewhat comedic way. Check this website out first:

    The Uncomfortable

    Now, how can we apply this concept to basses and related equipment? We won't have fun pictures of our ideas to post, but we can make descriptions. For example, what about a 'Fender chrome pickup cover that extends from the bridge to the 12th fret'? Or, a 'P-bass that doesn't have tort and flats on it'?

    What are your ideas?
    Steinbergerer, S-Bigbottom and Cerio like this.
  2. JRA

    JRA my words = opinion Supporting Member


    fun(ny) stuff!
  3. RichardW


    Feb 25, 2016
    near Philly
    Early on in my playing, I bought some kind of product you are supposed to rub on the strings to make them more playable (i.e., less sticky or something). Can't even remember what it was called, but it was pointless to me and had no effect on playability. I realize someone's probably going to comment that they love that product, which is fine. To each his own.
    Bobro and Wisebass like this.
  4. sissy kathy

    sissy kathy Back to Bass-ics Gold Supporting Member

    Apr 21, 2014
    Arbutus, MD
    Flats. No, not flat wound, actually flat.
    Ratcheting tuners, like a socket wrench.
    Childproof knobs that have to be squeezed and pulled before they can be turned.
    Bridges that use a pin going through the ball for string retention.
    Last edited: Nov 2, 2018
    Bobro, S-Bigbottom, Microbass and 3 others like this.
  5. Warpeg

    Warpeg Supporting Member

    Jun 20, 2005
    Like tape? Haha! Priceless.
    Bobro and sissy kathy like this.
  6. Jebberz

    Jebberz Supporting Member Supporting Member

    Jul 3, 2012
    Quebec city
    Saw this one in a Czech club backstage: a battery operated tuner, with battery access only on the back, bolted to a wall to prevent stealing. And prevent using.

    Had one once: strap so elastic that the bass keeps bouncing and never stay in a proper playing position.
    saabfender, Bobro, HawldieMPB and 3 others like this.
  7. Warpeg

    Warpeg Supporting Member

    Jun 20, 2005
    How about an actual ‘input jack’ on a bass (as opposed to the commonly misunderstood ‘output jack’)? For example:

    I guess we now have a definitive answer on how to make a Jazz Bass sound like a P-Bass. ;)
    Last edited: Nov 5, 2018
    saabfender, db59, Spyrosaab and 5 others like this.
  8. Jebberz

    Jebberz Supporting Member Supporting Member

    Jul 3, 2012
    Quebec city
    A stap button in an EUB...
    saabfender and Passinwind like this.
  9. sqlb3rn


    Apr 6, 2016
    A tone knob.

  10. sqlb3rn


    Apr 6, 2016
    holy poopie the chaining possibilities are endless
    Microbass likes this.
  11. Garret Graves

    Garret Graves website- ggbassplayer.com Gold Supporting Member

    May 20, 2010
    Arcadia, Ca
    There was a product about 10 years back called a "Neck Sock". I guess meant to protect strings from dust while on a stand? Every once in a while I remember it and snicker
    saabfender likes this.
  12. JACink


    Mar 9, 2011
    This is from an old post of mine, but I think it fits this thread...

    Ad (in a sleazy shopping channel voice):
    "Are you tired of the always the same boring headstock designs?...
    Does your band make fun of your brand?...
    Is your logo a nogo?...

    Well we have the solution for you!...

    Using the latest in musical technology, and available in 10 tone enhancing colors, we present to you...

    The Headsock!

    Never again will your instrument be the cause of embarassing moments! Finally your skills will be the centre of attention, and not the logo on your headstock! At last you will be able to get those great studio gigs, where looks are more important than sound!

    The Headsock!

    The greatest advance in musical technology in 50 years, the best thing since Leo invented the Cello.

    The Headsock!

    Only $99.99, for a limited time only.

    The Headsock!

    Available at all major Headsock retailers. Get yours now!"

    :bassist: :bassist: :bassist: :bassist: :bassist: :bassist: :bassist: :bassist: :bassist: :bassist: :bassist: :bassist:
    S-Bigbottom, Oddly and Flooflox like this.
  13. Indentations in the fretboard where your fingers go, and in the neck where your thumb should go.
    A strap that hangs the bass from your head, to evenly distribute the weight.
    A device to strap your wheeled amp to your leg, so it comes with you across the stage.
    A backpack to haul your 4x10.
    A permanent pick, mounted to the bass on an articulated arm.
    A pick attachment for a high-hat stand, so you can 'strum/pick' while clapping your hands, having a beer or a smoke.
    A bass with pulleys, using strings that are shaped like large closed loops that go around the back of the body and neck - rotate them around to get a clean spot of string, like an old wall-mounted bathroom cloth hand-towel 'dispenser'.
    Bass Pedal Steel Guitar.
    saabfender and S-Bigbottom like this.
  14. operagost


    Dec 13, 2017
    I've actually joked about having a pick on a string, for people who drop their picks a lot. It's just stupid enough that someone has probably already tried it. I refuse to find out.

    A bass that has a receptacle under the bridge, where you can stash a reel holding 8 feet of string. If your string breaks, you just pull the loose end and reattach it to the tuning peg.

    A special slap bass thumb that you attach over your real thumb to give you more mass. Models molded from famous players like Bootsy Collins, Flea, and Nathan East are available.
    TwentyHz likes this.
  15. Warpeg

    Warpeg Supporting Member

    Jun 20, 2005
    I think our old friend, The Tort Loaf, belongs in this thread.

  16. Wisebass


    Jan 12, 2017
    Lost in Space
    hi Warpeg :)

    Every bass sound so much better with mojo!



    ivorytower, saabfender and RichardW like this.
  17. These may or may not really exist
    A guitar stand for bass only.
    Bass instrument cable.
    Uhhhhh what else...

    Oh got another one:
    Digital Bass only tuner
    & also
    Bass Mic
  18. bholder

    bholder Affable Sociopath Supporting Member

    Sep 2, 2001
    Vestal, NY
    Received a gift from Sire* (see sig)
    Here's one that would fill a desperately needed gap: Groupie repellant for bassists! :woot:
    Gearhead17, 12BitSlab and Flooflox like this.
  19. B4F0B5A2-9FDE-4217-81F8-AC0C00DD44C8.jpeg
    willbassyeah and HawldieMPB like this.
  20. [QUOTE="operagost, post:
    A special slap bass thumb that you attach over your real thumb to give you more mass. Models molded from famous players like Bootsy Collins, Flea, and Nathan East are available.[/QUOTE]
    Man that’s fantastic

Share This Page

  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.