Snappy retorts to telemarketers

[BadJazz]

It brings me great joy to try to make them feel as uncomfortable as possible. Sounds of streams of liquid hitting water, or the sounds of more solid objects plopping into water. Moaning. Sexual innuendo. Sounds of skin on skin slapping. Then they hang up.

I think you're the one who should/could be making money on the phone...

 

[smurfco]

Don't be rude or abusive to these people. Best case scenario it's the best job they can get and they hate having to call people even more than you hate getting the calls (nobody WANTS to be a telemarketer). Worst case, they're overseas and are for all intents and purposes enslaved. Just hang up or don't answer.

 

[Gorn]

I think you're the one who should/could be making money on the phone...

I'm not against it. I'm in my 40s but my dad's accountant does my whole family's taxes. It would be an awkward conversation.

 

[Plake]

Personally I was referring to the scammers. Computer virus, SS# has been hacked, warrants etc. I cant recall the last time a telemarketer called me.

 

[Gorn]

Don't be rude or abusive to these people. Best case scenario it's the best job they can get and they hate having to call people even more than you hate getting the calls (nobody WANTS to be a telemarketer). Worst case, they're overseas and are for all intents and purposes enslaved. Just hang up or don't answer.

There is plenty of slave labor out there but I don't think the call centers in third world nations qualify. It's probably a pretty decent job that's limited to those that speak somewhat passable English. I'm morally comfortable with being rude or creepy to amuse myself at their expense. Different strokes for different folks.

 

[iqi616]

I find it odd soneone has ever actually bought something this way.

There have to be enough suckers or it wouldn't be worth it. Even if they're genuine and I'm interested, I still say "thanks but no thanks" and then contact them myself.

 

[iqi616]

Don't be rude or abusive to these people. Best case scenario it's the best job they can get and they hate having to call people even more than you hate getting the calls (nobody WANTS to be a telemarketer). Worst case, they're overseas and are for all intents and purposes enslaved. Just hang up or don't answer.

I'm not rude or abusive but if I'm not busy I will string along obvious scammers because while they're talking to me, they're not able to rip anyone off.

My mother-in-law once kept a scammer on the phone for 20 minutes - she did have windows and an apple ...but she didn't have a computer!

 

[SunByrne]

Wow, some of y'all... you really have nothing better to do than talk to these people?

Sounds like you need a hobby. Might I suggest taking up the bass guitar?

 

[slobake]

Wow, some of y'all... you really have nothing better to do than talk to these people?

Sounds like you need a hobby. Might I suggest taking up the bass guitar?

You could say the same thing about posting on TalkBass

 

[Bob_Ross]

Another lifetime ago when my roommate was Mr. Anderson I got a call from a telemarketer:

Telemarketer: “Hi, may I speak with Mr. Anderson?”

Me: “He’s not here.”

Telemarketer: “Then is Mrs. Anderson available?”

Me: “Speaking.”

:::brief silence:::

Telemarketer: :::hangs up:::

 

[definenredefine]

Maybe I'm different. On the (rare now) occasion I answer, when I realize it's telemarketing, I say "I'm going to stop you right there and let you know I'm not interested." They invariably will continue, and I'll end the call.

I feel like it's important to remember that there's a human on the other end of the phone, doing a terrible job to try to make ends meet. I don't need to compound their misery by being terrible to them.

This is usually how I handle such calls (if I pick up) and my reasoning for doing so.

 

[Major Seven]

Years ago after the big telephone companies were broken up, telemarketers would call people selling long distance telephone services. I would tell the caller that I did not have a telephone.

When they were selling long distance service, my friend used to say "We don't need long distance. We don't have any friends. ANYWHERE".

 

[Major Seven]

I once was getting the "your vehicle's warranty is about to expire" scam calls every day. So one day I decided to have some fun and pressed 1.

Guy picks up the phone and says, "Make and model of your vehicle?"

"What, you mean you don't know?"

"Don't know what?"

"The make and model of my vehicle. Your call says my warranty is about to expire. How do you know that and not know what kind of car I drive?"

<CLICK>

That was the end of that particular scammer.

Yes, apparently the warranty on my 1988 was about to expire.

 

[Major Seven]

I have not had a home land line in 25+ years and I have all calls not on my contacts list on my cell to automatically go to Google Call Screen, I never even see the call. If it is someone I actually need to call back they will leave a message.

Now, if you want to discuss how to get rid of Jehovah's Witness door knockers, I've got some tips on that.

Answering the door naked works great for me.

 

[Major Seven]

Her on T.B. we have talked about how annoying telemarketers are. Yes, they are bothersome but I decided that if you can't bet them join them. Let's have some fun and do our best to strike back and come up with annoying, snappy responses to telemarketers . Maybe we can compile a list of response we can have on hand when necessary. My first one is not very good but I did enjoy it. Here is how it went.
"Sir have you seriously considered the advantages to adding an ADU to your property."
"No, but I have seriously considered not answering my phone anymore."
"Well, did you know the state of California has blah, blah, blah..."
At this point I started talking over him.
"You are just going to keep talking aren't you."
He hung up, it was most satisfying.
So, come on T.B. let's stop complaining about telemarketers (there may be other threads for that) and get creative. We don't have to be nasty or angry but maybe we can find a way to turn tables on these pesky creatures.
Let's hear what ya got.

Were sorry. All our customer service representatives are busy but your call is important and will be answered in the order it was received.

 

[Mike N]

What's a telemarketer? I send unknown callers to voicemail and haven't had to deal with them for years.

This.

I don't answer an unknown number, either you'll leave me a VM or you won't.

 

[Mike N]

Were sorry. All our customer service representatives are busy but your call is important and will be answered in the order it was received.

Please listen carefully as our menu options have changed......

 

[Major Seven]

I'm not against it. I'm in my 40s but my dad's accountant does my whole family's taxes. It would be an awkward conversation.

I used to like to ask the strippers in the local hangout what they put on their 1040 as occupation.
Usually they said entertainer, one said babysitter, another said comedian.

 

[fhm555]

You actually answer your phone?!?

How quaint.

My favorite these days is block anyone not in my book. I get 60 denied calls a day on average and almost all are scam attempts. I've missed so many new cars it's pathetic.

 

[TOOL460002]

Just yell "Do not redeem!" over and over. I assume that has traumatized the entire sub-continent. That or learn to swear in other languages. IME the more you eff with them the more your info gets shared. Yes, you waste your time to the benefit of other would-be scam victims, but there are people who do that as a day job (Kitboga/Jim Browning/Scammer Payback/Deeveeaar/Trilogy Media/Scam Sandwich/etc). The best move is to just hang up. Mr Buzzkill out...