Snappy retorts to telemarketers

[Dana R Gregory]

The first thing I do when I get a new phone number is to get it registered on the Do Not Call List. Here is the number and it only takes a couple minutes to complete the process. 888-382-1222 I don't get these calls anymore, plus the software on my phone filters out spam calls.

 

[CochinoBass]

I have not had a home land line in 25+ years and I have all calls not on my contacts list on my cell to automatically go to Google Call Screen, I never even see the call. If it is someone I actually need to call back they will leave a message.

Now, if you want to discuss how to get rid of Jehovah's Witness door knockers, I've got some tips on that.

 

[Turnaround]

Not a snappy retort, but......

I had a call from a marketer trying to sell subscriptions to a number of magazines. The deal was that If I subscribed to 3 magazines from his "A" list I could have a free selection from his "B" list. He read the A List and I asked to hear the B list, which he read. I said I forgot what was in the A list so he read it again. I said "OK" and named one from his A list and two from his B list. He explained again that I had to choose three from the A list and one from the B list. I had him read the lists again. This time I chose three from the B list and one from the A list. Then I said "I'm sorry, I got that backwards" and we went through it all again and finally I picked three from the A list and one from the B list. Then I said "Wait a minute - I heard that when you sign up for one of these deals it is almost impossible to cancel the subscription for whatever reason". He assured me that I can cancel at any time. Then I asked what would happen to my free subscription if I cancelled some from the A list, and he said I woiuld still receive the free one. I said "Great! I would like to cancel now, just send me the B list selection".

I figured if he insisted on wasting my time I would waste some of his.

 

[rogerb]

I recorded my voice similar to "Lenny" youtube videos with pauses, that I found hilarious years ago. I had some success with keeping telemarketers busy for more than 20 minutes, I had to loop my 5 minute or so recording! It was fun to play back the recordings of the telemarketers although they are long lost now. They just kept calling though.

Now with spam filter and the factor I don't answer if I don't already know the caller I haven't talked to one in years, probably 1 call a day I get.

There are AI solutions coming if not already available, the app answer your phone and asked, who are you? what is this call about? It shows you the response in text and you decide to pick up or not. Might be a bit better until telemarketers start falsifying their motives, "Actually it is not your bank calling but I'd like to interest you in...". I find it odd soneone has ever actually bought something this way.

 

[DWA2469]

I have a blast. I start with “boy…am I glad you called” and improvise from there. I always include:

*I have warrants.
*Need to move a body or remove blood stains.
*Yelling at non-existent people…”IM ON THE %#^* PHONE!!”
*Asking for rides to the grocery store.

Riis

The owner of the company I work for is an older Gentleman he told me he starts off the same as you and says, "Boy am I glad you called, I was about to commit suicide and really needed someone to talk to" and then will proceed to unload on them about his fictitious problems!

 

[bucephylus]

I just never answer a number my phone doesn't recognize. If it's something important, they can leave a message.

It may be fun to mess with callers, but then I think how awful it must be to have to earn a living that way.

Amen +1

 

[SoonerBill]

Oh yeah. Another thing I do. We rotate between a couple sports bar/grills. Whether music or a game over the sound system it's pretty loud. I answer and set my phone on the bar. They get to listen to music or sports.

 

[SoonerBill]

My experience with the do-not-call-list is that it does absolutely nothing. Or at least very little. And I've been in positions for the past 40 years that I can get emergency calls from numbers not in my contacts that need attention immediately. My job has lessened as far as emergencies so I could set up filtering but I haven't made myself do it yet. Old habits and all that!

 

[SoonerBill]

many are robocalls. if I suspect, I ask them what day it is. that usually is a non compute and sends them on a stupid loop

The first one I used the "Suicide" response on was obviously a medicare advantage plan robocall. Same script every time. When the sweet female voice replied "Great! Glad to hear that." after my saying I was suicidal I had to laugh.

 

[SoonerBill]

"F.B.I. fraud division."

I like that. But I could get in a lot of trouble.

 

[Pacman]

Maybe I'm different. On the (rare now) occasion I answer, when I realize it's telemarketing, I say "I'm going to stop you right there and let you know I'm not interested." They invariably will continue, and I'll end the call.

I feel like it's important to remember that there's a human on the other end of the phone, doing a terrible job to try to make ends meet. I don't need to compound their misery by being terrible to them.

 

[Ostie]

Some years ago there was a comedian who put out a CD and I think it was called “Revenge on the Telemarketers.” It was hilarious to the point where I almost felt sorry for the telemarketer. It revolved around the comedian asking the telemarketer for help with cleaning up a crime scene at his home.

 

[Gorn]

It brings me great joy to try to make them feel as uncomfortable as possible. Sounds of streams of liquid hitting water, or the sounds of more solid objects plopping into water. Moaning. Sexual innuendo. Sounds of skin on skin slapping. Then they hang up.

 

[bassicmike]

I figure if I can waste their time for a few minutes, that's a couple of people who didn't get their time wasted.

The ones that crack me up are those with obvious, thick, overseas accents. Then they begin " hi this is Mary Lou..." Or " hi this is Billy Bob, how yo doin today..."

Blocking the number doesn't work. If I've gotten a thousand calls, they've come under a thousand different numbers

 

[SoonerBill]

The ones that crack me up are those with obvious, thick, overseas accents. Then they begin " hi this is Mary Lou..." Or " hi this is Billy Bob, how yo doin "

I get those. The caller ID is often some tiny town in Oklahoma like Boley, population 1,091. Yeah right!!!

 

[slobake]

.

 

[SoonerBill]

I've thought about the few comments if them being people and having to have this horrible job. I'm generally a very caring guy. Sensitive to other people. The telemarketers that must know that what they're pushing are scams or at best really iffy I have trouble caring about. The ones that are pushing legitimate things but are over the top pushy I feel for a little more but not much.
That leaves a very few that are just trying to pay the bills and think this is the best they can do. I feel for them. But the US currently has only 4ish percent unemployment. I see places daily that need workers. When my wife lost her job last summer we found that Oklahoma has training and placement services that go along with drawing unemployment. I would bet most telemarketers could find more respectable jobs.

 

[slobake]

I've read the comments about too. Of course, those saying that the people calling are human beings (not always) is true. I know it is not right to treat people cruelly no matter what. Sometimes I just can't help myself, that's my lame excuse and I'm sticking with it.
Maybe some day I will grow up.

 

[5StringBlues]

.

I see your point.

 

[logdrum]

I just tell them I am a bum pan handling on the street corner and I can't afford anything they sell and not sure where to eat this evening