To be fair, my girlfriend and I recently relocated up to NY and have been staying with her parents as we are trying to save for a house. They've been generous to do this for us, but I'd be lying if I said it hasn't been without its struggles for all involved.
I'm incredibly clean and organized while her family strives to be clean but rarely is. This is mentally draining for me. I am also quiet and reserved while they can be quite loud. I help out around the house a lot and will buy food and other necessities as payment since my mom-in-law won't take a check.
My brother-in-law also lives here. He's a great guy but hasn't found his path since leaving college. He will avoid coming out of his room to avoid getting tasks to do from his dad. As such, I get more than my fair share of chores, which has been daunting on me since I'm working 50hrs a week. The BIL... not so much, so it can be a point of undiscussed contention. But again, I'm staying rent free so I can't be too upset.
The best things I can recommend is to understand that for the kids this probably isn't their ideal situation, either. After 5 years on my own coming "home" almost feels like a mark of shame. It's not something I'm proud of since I can support myself, but it is a great chance for my girlfriend and I to save so that we can take a big next step in our lives.
I'd get with your spouse and figure out what makes sense. Do you charge rent? If not, how else can they work to repay you? I think it's important to give them some skin in the game. Nothing in life is free, so figure a way for them to pay you back. Also, it's important to establish a reason and game plan for them coming home and eventually leaving. Are they saving to buy a house? Are they unemployed and need support as they find work? Establish a reason why and set a timeline. We agreed on 18 month max with a push to be out in 10. What have we done so far? We've put in two offers on homes that both fell trough. We've also saved a ton of money. My gf and I are doing our part to get out, and we are helping around the house as payback.
Why are "your kids" coming back? Doing so just because they have nothing better shouldn't be a reason in my mind. It establishes no drive for them to get out, particularly if they don't already see an issue living at home at that age.
