“Those were the best times, but they never lasted long. I always ended up locked down in that dreary room.”
“Sometimes I had nightmares. I would dream that I was falling into a huge burning furnace, the smoke would choke me and I could feel the flames singeing my body. Strange voices murmured things I couldn’t understand as clawed hands snatched at me from the darkness. Down and down I would drop; the claws ripping my clothes and tearing into my skin as the flames got hotter and hotter. I would retch at the smell of my burning flesh as I tumbled helplessly towards the waiting flames. The nightmare always ended with me waking up in the middle of a scream. Rachel must have heard my cries because she was always there to hold me and wipe my tears until I stopped crying. She would coo softly and tell me everything was all right until I drifted back to sleep”
“At night my parents would hold some kind of meetings in our den. Rachel would put me to bed when everyone started arriving. One night I could hear everyone murmuring expectantly in the hall. I could feel the tension and subdued excitement.”
“Rachel came into my room and hugged me tighter and longer than usual. There were tears in her eyes as she smiled at me. ‘Be a good boy tonight. I have to go to the meeting with the grownups’. She hugged me again and just smiled at me for a long time. ‘ I love your Rusty’. She let me go and slowly headed for the door. She turned and smiled one more time as she shut out the light and closed the door.”
Rusty paused to lick the thin paper and roll the cigarette between his fingers.
“I knew something was wrong. I lay in the darkness for a long time, unable to sleep. I had to know what was going on downstairs. I tried the door; Rachel had forgotten to lock it.”
“I snuck downstairs to the den where they were having their meeting. It was dark, the room was filled with glowing, smoky candles and I could smell the burning wax. Everyone was standing in a circle around a low stone table, their faces hidden in the darkness. Someone was laying face down on the table and everyone else was chanting, I couldn’t understand what they were saying, but it sounded like the voices in my nightmares. I was terrified and wanted to find Rachel, but was too scared to say anything. I knew I wasn’t supposed to be there.
“I stared at the person lying on the table and recognized my sisters’ long red hair, it was draped over the top of her head and hung down to the floor. She was wearing a smooth brown cotton robe that was pulled down over her shoulders to reveal her back. Blood was dripping down on to the table and I could see a circle and star carved into her skin.”
“I recognized my mom; she was holding a small cup and a bloody curved knife with a fancy silver handle. Her eyes were locked straight ahead in a cold, blank expression.”
“I saw my dad sit my sister up and mom put the cup in her hand. Rachel held the cup under her robe for a little while then lifted it up and took a sip. When my mom raised the knife I screamed and ran into the circle. I knocked the cup out of my sister’s hand and it spilled all over me. My face was covered with blood and urine, I’ll never forget the smell.”
“There was a lot of confusion and everyone started shouting. I called to Rachel but she didn’t answer, she didn’t even turn her head or acknowledge me in any way. I called her again and again but she didn’t respond. I ended up just standing there crying. ”
Rusty turned and looked right at Diana.
“That was the last time I saw my sister, I was six years old.”
“After that my mom started yelling at me. She called me a stupid worthless little brat. ‘You’ll pay for this you little puke,’ she told me. Her face was twisted up into a vicious snarl.”
Then she started yelling at my dad. ‘I should have aborted him when I wanted to. But no, you had to have your precious son. Well, there’s your little prize, I hope you’re proud of him.’ I didn’t know what she was talking about at the time, but I knew she didn’t want me around. She told my dad to take me upstairs and whip me while everyone else placed a curse on me.”
“My dad picked me up without a word and carried me upstairs. He took off his belt and spanked me. I barely felt the spanking; all I could think of was Rachel. I was really confused and hurt. I was crushed that she didn’t seem to care what happened to me. I wanted her to pick me up and tell me everything was all right. I couldn’t understand why she didn’t answer me.”
“My dad left and didn’t say a word. I can still see his back as he left me alone in my bedroom and locked the door. I knew that my mom was right, I was worthless and stupid, and nobody wanted me around. I stopped crying and haven’t cried since.”
“The next morning the police came and took me to juvenile hall. They said my parents were gone. I asked about Rachel and they said she was gone too.”
Rusty’s hands were shaking as he put the cigarette in his mouth and flicked his lighter open with a loud metallic clink. Diana spoke up quickly. “What do you think you are doing? You are not going to stink up my truck with that nasty thing.”
Rusty sighed slowly “Okay, I’ll take it outside, C’mon Eleanor.” He picked up the little bulldog and stepped out of the truck. He put her down gently, lit his smoke and took a long slow drag. He would have preferred a joint, but a cigarette would have to do. Eleanor sat at his feet and watched him closely.
Diana stepped out of the truck and stood next to him. Her heart went out to the rejected, frightened little boy locked up in his bedroom. She waved the smoke away with her hand. “I’m really sorry about your sister; I can’t imagine what that must have been like.”
She wrinkled her nose. “Do you have to smoke? I really hate the smell.”
Rusty took another slow drag on his cigarette and looked up at the sky. The bright full moon wasn’t able to extinguish the endless stars. Rusty thought each star seemed to have a life of its own, he wondered just how many there could be. He momentarily forgot about his problems as his mind stretched out across the universe. It was one of those nights that made him feel really small.
Diana’s voice brought him back down to earth. “What happened after that? Did you ever see your parents again?”
Rusty took a long drag on his cigarette and stared down at Eleanor. The little dog gave him a sad look. She seemed to know all the anguish he was going through. Rusty reached down and she softly licked his hand. “No, I was placed in a foster home and stayed there until I ran away at 16. No one spoke about my parents.”
Rusty took a last drag, ground the cigarette out under his boot and exhaled the last of the smoke.
“I found out the rest after I ran away.”
“Found out what?”
Rusty picked up Eleanor and got back in the truck. He shut the door, unwrapped a stick of gum and stared out at the highway. He wanted to run from his memories and anything that brought them back. Instead he was heading right for them.