Time to ask - how to go about quitting

[JohnMCA72]

I've only ever actually quit one band. I wanted to do it in person for a couple of reasons:

1. Phone, text, or e-mail seems a little douchey.
2. Only have to have the conversation once, with all, not several times, with each.

Once I made up my mind to quit, there was no point in airing grievances. All that would do would be to get everybody all worked up for no good reason. No accusations, no acrimony - I wasn't fishing for them to beg me to stay, or anything like that - I just told them that I was out & wished them well. No gigs on the books, so no "lame duck" period, which was a plus.

 

[jaywa]

You're in a great position in that there are no gigs on the books... actually that fact in itself would be enough reason for me to quit because it shows the band has lost momentum/motivation. And if your guitarist keeps acting like a tool onstage then your gigging situation isn't likely to change for the better anytime soon.

I'm usually big on doing things like this in person but in your situation, unless you have gear you need to collect from the practice space I see no point making that kind of drive just to quit face to face. If you fake your way through one final (pointless) practice and then drop the bomb you've wasted your time, whereas if you bring them all together, tell them first thing and then turn around and leave, you've wasted everyone else's time.

Do it by one email to everyone at once so that everyone gets the same story at the same time. Its a bit more impersonal than individual calls but that way you can totally control the language, tone and timing of your notice, it will be IN WRITING so nobody can attribute things to you that you never said (which ALWAYS happens with phone conversatuons, trust me) -- and no one feels singled out.

If anyone cares enough to call you separately as a follow-up then thats another thing but if nobody goes to that effort you kind of know where you stood with them then, too.

 

[hrodbert696]

Thanks for all the input, guys, it's helpful. Here's what's happened since I posted. For clarification, up to now the problem guitarist has also been band leader.

I called the singer and told her the deal. She said she really doesn't want to lose me from the band.

Nothing was scheduled but I was driving out to the area anyway last night and the drummer had my monitor, so I was going to stop in and pick it up. Singer arranged to meet with me and the drummer there, so we had an ad hoc band meeting with the three of us. The singer also talked to the other guitarist on the phone, who couldn't make it, to get her perspective.

Basically everyone agrees that the behavior is unacceptable, including the drummer, who is his son but has no interest in trying to defend it. We drew up a list of things that will need to change, including that the singer will now be BL. She's going to talk to the guitarist about the issues and report back on how he reacts. If he tries to defend it or refuses the changes, he's out. I've agreed to hold off on quitting until I hear how that goes.

At best, if he stays in the band, I can only see this as a probation. It would fit his pattern to apologize and say he'll change and for everything to be cool in practice - and then do as he pleases whenever we get in front of an audience again. I don't have a lot of trust right now, but the singer was so insistent that she wants me to stay that I'll give this route a try and see if he can earn any trust back.

 

[lfmn16]

Thanks for all the input, guys, it's helpful. Here's what's happened since I posted. For clarification, up to now the problem guitarist has also been band leader.

Congratulations. I was in a band and the drummer was such an a-hole he just sucked the fun out of the band - constantly playing between songs at rehearsal, constantly trying to change arrangements, disruptive every time any one else tried to talk. I was the new guy so I called the guitar player and said thanks but no thanks, I play for fun and this isn't fun. He asked me if I would stay if we got a new drummer and I said yes. It turned out that everyone was sick of his BS.

 

[GKon]

I think it's great that you all talked it out and that you quite possibly will find a solution.

You see? Had you not spoken to everyone else, you wouldn't have realized that they all feel the same way, including his own son! You would have just quit and left.

Now, there is hope that things may work out.

I wish you all the best. Let us know how things progress.

 

[jaywa]

If the drummer is willing to stand up against his own dad, that's pretty big of him. And rather rare. Too many times when there is a family or spousal relationship within the band, those personal ties trump the good of the band and attitudes or actions are allowed to continue that would not be tolerated otherwise.

It sounds like your case really is one of "one bad apple" and I hope he either gets with the program or you are able to find a suitable replacement and carry on.

 

[jaywa]

Congratulations. I was in a band and the drummer was such an a-hole he just sucked the fun out of the band - constantly playing between songs at rehearsal, constantly trying to change arrangements, disruptive every time any one else tried to talk. I was the new guy so I called the guitar player and said thanks but no thanks, I play for fun and this isn't fun. He asked me if I would stay if we got a new drummer and I said yes. It turned out that everyone was sick of his BS.

Good on ya! That's a great example of understanding when you have leverage and using it appropriately. I've found that sometimes if you've got an a-hole in the band that's bringing everyone down and/or hurting its marketability, someone else needs to be a bit of an a-hole too and step up and call things as they are. Otherwise no positive changes are ever made.

 

[GlennW]

George Kastanza would be ashamed of you.

How dare you call yourself a quitter and allow yourself to get sucked back in?

Have you no pride?

There's still hope. You can redeem youself by showing up an hour early for the next rehearsal and leave a Post-It note on the door that says "I QUIT!"

 

[MikeyTheFinger]

George Kastanza would be ashamed of you.

How dare you call yourself a quitter and allow yourself to get sucked back in?

Have you no pride?

There's still hope. You can redeem youself by showing up an hour early for the next rehearsal and leave a Post-It note on the door that says "I QUIT!"

LOL.

Link Removed

"Yeah, I’m a great quitter. It’s one of the few things I do well. I come from a long line of quitters.
My father was a quitter, my grandfather was a quitter… I was raised to give up."

 

[Joe Louvar]

Hmm, OP - are you leaving the band or still just thinking about it?

Thanks for all the input, guys, it's helpful. Here's what's happened since I posted. For clarification, up to now the problem guitarist has also been band leader.

I called the singer and told her the deal. She said she really doesn't want to lose me from the band.

Nothing was scheduled but I was driving out to the area anyway last night and the drummer had my monitor, so I was going to stop in and pick it up. Singer arranged to meet with me and the drummer there, so we had an ad hoc band meeting with the three of us. The singer also talked to the other guitarist on the phone, who couldn't make it, to get her perspective.

Basically everyone agrees that the behavior is unacceptable, including the drummer, who is his son but has no interest in trying to defend it. We drew up a list of things that will need to change, including that the singer will now be BL. She's going to talk to the guitarist about the issues and report back on how he reacts. If he tries to defend it or refuses the changes, he's out. I've agreed to hold off on quitting until I hear how that goes.

At best, if he stays in the band, I can only see this as a probation. It would fit his pattern to apologize and say he'll change and for everything to be cool in practice - and then do as he pleases whenever we get in front of an audience again. I don't have a lot of trust right now, but the singer was so insistent that she wants me to stay that I'll give this route a try and see if he can earn any trust back.

Hmm, I didn’t think that was an option. Anyway, way cool (I guess/hope) and I’ll stay tuned for part 3 of "Should I Stay or Should I Go" with "family gtr/drum replacement drama", "2hr drive", "no gigs", "time and $", etc all coming up. Good luck.

 

[DwaynieAD]

small trashcan fire.

 

[GlennW]

Basically everyone agrees that the behavior is unacceptable, including the drummer, who is his son but has no interest in trying to defend it. We drew up a list of things that will need to change, including that the singer will now be BL. She's going to talk to the guitarist about the issues and report back on how he reacts.

So the chick singer is going to tell the drunk guitard she's taking over as BL.

I DEMAND HIDDEN CAMERA FOOTAGE

 

[g4string]

I'd also notify in advance that you're not coming to rehearse but to talk about some things, either your grievances or your departure. Maybe the reactions to that email might shed some light on your actually driving over there being worth it or not

This ^

Email to say your coming to rehearse ONLY to discuss your grievances and/or to put in your notice. From there, see what cards your delt and respond accordingly. This way, your being totally and upfront. Oh, I'm a big fan of not burning bridges if you don't have to. Go out respectively....nothing good comes from douche bag behavior. Obviously.

 

[Joe Louvar]

So the chick singer is going to tell the drunk guitard she's taking over as BL.

I DEMAND HIDDEN CAMERA FOOTAGE

+1. lol.

 

[jmattbassplaya]

Hrod,

Glad things seemingly went well, though I must ask if you've thought things completely through. Even if the guitarist is removed you'll still have to deal with the hour (I think that's what was said) commute to rehearsals. Are you willing to do that still?

 

[kevteop]

The last time I quit a band I told them why I was leaving (I didn't think the other guys were keen enough to keep improving the band's tunes), and told them I'd play all the gigs we currently had booked, unless they didn't want me to. And I would help their new bassist learn the existing material if necessary.

I did all the gigs, the new bassist found his own way around the material (we had recordings of all of it so it wasn't hard), and off I went. The band is still going, I still make music with some of them, and I'm still good friends with them all. In fact I'm going to see them play on Friday.

 

[Rockin Mike]

How to quit a band:
1. Don't burn bridges. As much as it feels good in the moment to tell someone what's wrong with them, it can come back and bite you later.
2. Face to face is best if reasonable. I wouldn't drive an hour to do it, I wouldn't do it if there were a chance somebody could lose their temper.
3. Think about the alternatives. What are the chances you can get into a situation that sucks less than the current one?
4. Have a reason that doesn't make anybody the bad guy and doesn't paint you as a problem player. This can be kind of hard to do. If you say you have an injury, word gets around that you may not be reliable. Same thing if you blame it on your day job. "I have a better opportunity" is not too bad, as is "I'm just not feeling it anymore". Best thing to do is tell the truth, but be careful how you word it so as to not damage relationships.
5. Mention the good times and thank them for whatever was positive in your history together.
6. If at all possible, don't leave them hanging. Best thing is to stay with them until they have a replacement trained up, or at least until all booked gigs are done. It really hurts a band to have to cancel gigs so don't be the one that hurts them.
7. After you quit, DON'T go around talking about how awful the other people were. Just say, "yeah I played with them for a while. It was OK but at one point I decided to move on."

Basically, treat them as you would like to be treated.

 

[Stumbo]

Thanks for all the input, guys, it's helpful. Here's what's happened since I posted. For clarification, up to now the problem guitarist has also been band leader.

I called the singer and told her the deal. She said she really doesn't want to lose me from the band.

Nothing was scheduled but I was driving out to the area anyway last night and the drummer had my monitor, so I was going to stop in and pick it up. Singer arranged to meet with me and the drummer there, so we had an ad hoc band meeting with the three of us. The singer also talked to the other guitarist on the phone, who couldn't make it, to get her perspective.

Basically everyone agrees that the behavior is unacceptable, including the drummer, who is his son but has no interest in trying to defend it. We drew up a list of things that will need to change, including that the singer will now be BL. She's going to talk to the guitarist about the issues and report back on how he reacts. If he tries to defend it or refuses the changes, he's out. I've agreed to hold off on quitting until I hear how that goes.

At best, if he stays in the band, I can only see this as a probation. It would fit his pattern to apologize and say he'll change and for everything to be cool in practice - and then do as he pleases whenever we get in front of an audience again. I don't have a lot of trust right now, but the singer was so insistent that she wants me to stay that I'll give this route a try and see if he can earn any trust back.

Good luck.

For the guitarist, IME, being very specific about which behaviors are causing the problem and providing specific solutions that he agrees to are the key thing to consider.

Just talking about the behavioral issues and agreeing to general changes is usually not enough.

I mean, general behavioral changes can be worked into the agreement but it's usually not enough.

Btw, how old is the guitar player in question?

 

[edpal]

I was all in with the suggestions to maybe just get rid of the guitard , until reading your post in gig stories I remembered that there are other issues with this band beyond the guitar player.

I would suck it up and attempt to talk to them all in person by trying to arrange a meeting, as long as they know in advance the general point of the meeting (they may decide a meeting is a waste of thier time, in which case you are off the hook, having made the offer).

While I understand that being open and honest is probably the best way to go, I personally wouldn't go into a meeting where I intended to quit and start airing grievances. I just don't think a bass player quiting a band is going to make the other parties involved suddenly see the light. I prefer the old "it's not you, it's me" BS and you don't have to worry about burning bridges or getting bad mouthed around town.

+10 THIS. Your last sentence brought it around nicely - why burn bridges,etc.

 

[MegaSwing]

OP, there were some critical details missing from the beginning, like the offending party being the bandleader as well as the drummer's dad. (Do you rehearse at the guy's house, too?) It's good that you were able to form a consensus with the other bandmembers, but this is not a situation to be terribly hopeful about, and if I were you I would continue looking for new opportunities. If this guy were the even-tempered easy-going type, you would have never had a problem in the first place. Now you're involved in mobilizing opposition against him (which is how he's going to see it). Don't expect him to go easily into the night or to just go along to get along. Just my $0.02.