Time to ask - how to go about quitting

[Rockin Mike]

At best, if he stays in the band, I can only see this as a probation. It would fit his pattern to apologize and say he'll change and for everything to be cool in practice - and then do as he pleases whenever we get in front of an audience again. I don't have a lot of trust right now, but the singer was so insistent that she wants me to stay that I'll give this route a try and see if he can earn any trust back.

In that case, it's time to start counting infractions. If you're going to call somebody on doing something wrong it's only fair to have ready the facts about when & where it happened.

 

[edpal]

At best, if he stays in the band, I can only see this as a probation. It would fit his pattern to apologize and say he'll change and for everything to be cool in practice - and then do as he pleases whenever we get in front of an audience again. I don't have a lot of trust right now, but the singer was so insistent that she wants me to stay that I'll give this route a try and see if he can earn any trust back.

Hate that passive-aggressive stuff. Ranks with people who start hot-dogging on their instrument screwing up the gig. IMO it's always about making it good for the listeners first. Go volunteer somewhere if you need extra attention.

 

[hrodbert696]

Hrod,

Glad things seemingly went well, though I must ask if you've thought things completely through. Even if the guitarist is removed you'll still have to deal with the hour (I think that's what was said) commute to rehearsals. Are you willing to do that still?

The long drive is a definite con, no question. What I told them is that I'm willing to do it IF the band is otherwise a good thing. But if I'm going to have more stuff going in the "cons" column, it won't be worth it. I'm teetering on the edge here. I'm not a long-standing, in-demand player in the area, and I've been in three or four attempted projects which fell apart before joining this one, so if this group can survive the drama I'd be willing to commute rather than bounce around a couple other doomed-to-fail projects.

OP, there were some critical details missing from the beginning, like the offending party being the bandleader as well as the drummer's dad. (Do you rehearse at the guy's house, too?) It's good that you were able to form a consensus with the other bandmembers, but this is not a situation to be terribly hopeful about, and if I were you I would continue looking for new opportunities. If this guy were the even-tempered easy-going type, you would have never had a problem in the first place. Now you're involved in mobilizing opposition against him (which is how he's going to see it). Don't expect him to go easily into the night or to just go along to get along. Just my $0.02.

True, I didn't give the whole situation and history, because when I was initially asking it didn't seem relevant. The guitarist is (recently) divorced and the son shares a house with his mother (the ex-wife), runs a mechanic shop out of the garage. I've only known them the year and a half I've been in the band, I gather they have a good relationship overall but the son is used to things being a rollercoaster with the dad.

Oh, Stumbo had asked how old he is - mid-to-late 40s, don't remember the exact number.

I hear everyone who's saying not to expect much. I don't. I've just agreed to postpone quitting and see if anything is going to change.

 

[Joe Louvar]

If I was a betting man OP, I'd put money on you beating a dead horse - but I hope it works out for you bro. Best wishes

 

[Stumbo]

The guitarist is (recently) divorced...

And now you know why. If he can't change to save his marriage....

 

[jaywa]

So then the question is... is the guitarist's bad behavior the cause of his divorce... or the RESULT of it?

Not to make any excuses for the guitarist here, but divorce can be tremendously stressful on a person, to the point it impacts their personality. A former boss of mine was always pretty easy to work with UNTIL she went through divorce proceedings, at which point she became intolerable for about 6-8 months... to the point that several people quit because of her.

The guitarist may be transferring all of his anger about his divorce to the band. Which would also explain why the drummer/son is standing with the band on this because he sees it for what it is.

 

[hrodbert696]

And now you know why. If he can't change to save his marriage....

So then the question is... is the guitarist's bad behavior the cause of his divorce... or the RESULT of it?

Not to make any excuses for the guitarist here, but divorce can be tremendously stressful on a person, to the point it impacts their personality. A former boss of mine was always pretty easy to work with UNTIL she went through divorce proceedings, at which point she became intolerable for about 6-8 months... to the point that several people quit because of her.

The guitarist may be transferring all of his anger about his divorce to the band. Which would also explain why the drummer/son is standing with the band on this because he sees it for what it is.

I've stayed on cordial terms with his ex-wife but I'm not privy to all the reasons why they broke up. I can easily imagine that it was caused by the same things that are affecting the band but I don't know that. No doubt the divorce is affecting him a lot - he's certainly said as much.

It keeps bringing to mind something my old pastor did when I was having some trouble. He gave me a cup of water, then a little later bumped me and the water spilled on the floor.

"Hey, why is there water on the floor?'

"Because you bumped me."

"That's true. But it doesn't completely answer the question. Why is there WATER on the floor? Why not coffee or beer?"

"Because water is what I had in the cup when I got bumped."

The point being, of course, that the "bumps" in life happen - some of them big ones, like a divorce. That's when the stuff spills out that you otherwise manage to keep hidden away in your "cup" when you're not getting bumped.

 

[hrodbert696]

AND... I'm done.

A friend of the singer's had taken videos of our last, disastrous, performance. She sent an email around to the 4 of us (other than the guitarist) to suggest we all get together to view the vids, see what was good, bad, meltdown... and has not spoken to the guitarist yet.

We already had a meeting Monday to talk this out. Basically, I think she's not the confrontational type and was getting cold feet about have the conversation with him. So at this point, I don't think he's going to hear "You're fired," and I don't see that any other solution is really going to assure me that anything is going to change. If anything, me lingering around to see what happens with him is probably just making it more complicated for the others to decide what to do.

So I'm out. If they find another bassist and carry on, good for them. If they lose the guitarist, or break up, I'll be happy to play with any of the others in some possible future. But no more waiting around. We've already done the band meeting thing so this time I'm just sending an email to announce it. Will speak to him on the phone, though.