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Well... I guess I'm calling it quits.
- Thread starter saustindavis
- Start date
MikeBass
Supporting Member
- Nov 4, 2003
- 11,943
- 3,133
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- Endorsing artist- Suhr basses, PedalTrain, GHS, Ultimate Ears
I have a buddy of mine who's not a musician, but golfs at least once a week.
And he flat out sucks.
His golf score looks more like a bowling score.
When I asked him "dude, as much as you golf, you kinda suck".........
His reply:
"You think I come out here to golf????" I do it just to get away from the house for 4 hours".
Good luck.
And he flat out sucks.
His golf score looks more like a bowling score.
When I asked him "dude, as much as you golf, you kinda suck".........
His reply:
"You think I come out here to golf????" I do it just to get away from the house for 4 hours".
Good luck.
I think a few of the responses have hit it right on the head. Boredom. Question: Is she home all day with the kids, and then takes care of them when you head out for practice/gigs? Question: Is she at some dead end sort of job, and then comes home to taking care of the kids while you go out?
I've been married 22yrs this May, and can tell you when we had our kids years ago; the wife and I went through a bit of a rough bump, not so much as what you're going through but visible. I was working a crappy job, so at the end of the day all I wanted to do was chill out on the couch, or hit the gym to relieve stress of the day. The wife being home all day just wanted to get out, a change of scenery. If you have a good relationship, then sit down and talk it out. Get to the root, and work as a team. In the end it may not mean you giving up your time in the band but, rather giving her some time for herself. Good luck.
I've been married 22yrs this May, and can tell you when we had our kids years ago; the wife and I went through a bit of a rough bump, not so much as what you're going through but visible. I was working a crappy job, so at the end of the day all I wanted to do was chill out on the couch, or hit the gym to relieve stress of the day. The wife being home all day just wanted to get out, a change of scenery. If you have a good relationship, then sit down and talk it out. Get to the root, and work as a team. In the end it may not mean you giving up your time in the band but, rather giving her some time for herself. Good luck.
I think maybe you should call it quits at least until your little one is in school. I had a job reading meters for a Natural Gas Company and we were given 8 hrs. work but could go home when we were finished so I was only working about 4 hrs. (paid for 8) everyday and took over as Mr. Mom when I got home about 11:30 am and my wife left to work part time 3 days a week. You do not know how hard and crazy it is to take care of little ones for only about 5 hrs a day and she is doing it all day everyday. I'm not saying you're not helping at all but you didn't say how much time your music takes up besides your regular job. I think she is probably just feeling like she's taking care of everything at home all by herself. She also might feel like you get to hang out with friends while she is always stuck at home taking care of the little one.
You guys are SO co-dependent. Get some therapy. If you give up your music because your wife has issues, you will give up your marriage soon after.... For your wife to insinuate such things is manipulative and controlling. sounds like SHE is the one with the issues. tell her to get a life.
Women are VERY competitive by nature and to a woman anything that isn't a full time gig and paying the bills is something she has to compete with. She views it as something you WANT to do not something you HAVE to do and she desires to always be the source of all your enjoyment and will get jealous of anything (or anyone) that gives you more enjoyment than her. To her anything that is optional should be given less of a priority no matter how much you enjoy doing it. Sometimes a woman may not even want you to give something up for her. They only want to know that you are WILLING to give something up that they feel threatened and less prioritized by. I say go through the motions. Tell her you're quitting music to concentrate and focus on the marriage because nothing is more important and MEAN it. I think she'll compromise as long as she knows she's #1 in your life and you're willing to give up everyone and everything for her and her happiness. Good luck sir.
My wife supports me being in 1 band, actually likes it because its about the only time I see freinds on a regular basis. When I did church once a month she was ok with that too. When I wanted to do an originals project that meant I'll be away 4 nights in 6 days she had a little issue with it, Can't blame her. Its about balance. If my wife basicly said me or music I'd leave her. Not because I'd pick music over her but because she put me in that position in the first place.
Your wife is probably seriously stressed out and feeling like she's doing the majority of the work with the kids while you go out and enjoy yourself. When kids are little, they are exhausting to take care of. (This gets easier when they are in school.) Offer to give her as much time away as you take. Let her hang out with her friends, go shopping, whatever she enjoys.
If that doesn't work, you might consider agreeing to drop the band for the sake of your family FOR A PERIOD OF TIME, preferably an agreed-upon period of time. Truthfully, I would have felt very resentful of my husband if he joined a band when the kids were little - there was simply too much for both of us to do at home, and kids must be a priority. Now they're in school, and we are BOTH in (separate) bands. We BOTH sacrificed some of our needs during that critical period when they were young and needed us around - and I feel very good about having done that, because those foundational years (up to age 5) are so important and you don't get a re-do with your kids. On the other hand, it's also important that you BOTH, as parents, don't lose the things you love and enjoy in the mix of taking care of a family, or you will feeling resentful and bitter.
It's all about balancing everyone's needs, and it's never an easy thing to do. If you frame a conversationg with, "I love you and our family more than anything and of course I want to put you first, but I also feel like if I give up playing music, I will lose an important part of me. Can we possibly figure out a way to make this work so that you're not feeling so stressed out when I'm gone?" And in the future, if she's sick or exhausted, don't just offer to stay home, insist on staying home. It's the courteous thing to do.
Anyway, that's just my take on it. I wish you luck.
If that doesn't work, you might consider agreeing to drop the band for the sake of your family FOR A PERIOD OF TIME, preferably an agreed-upon period of time. Truthfully, I would have felt very resentful of my husband if he joined a band when the kids were little - there was simply too much for both of us to do at home, and kids must be a priority. Now they're in school, and we are BOTH in (separate) bands. We BOTH sacrificed some of our needs during that critical period when they were young and needed us around - and I feel very good about having done that, because those foundational years (up to age 5) are so important and you don't get a re-do with your kids. On the other hand, it's also important that you BOTH, as parents, don't lose the things you love and enjoy in the mix of taking care of a family, or you will feeling resentful and bitter.
It's all about balancing everyone's needs, and it's never an easy thing to do. If you frame a conversationg with, "I love you and our family more than anything and of course I want to put you first, but I also feel like if I give up playing music, I will lose an important part of me. Can we possibly figure out a way to make this work so that you're not feeling so stressed out when I'm gone?" And in the future, if she's sick or exhausted, don't just offer to stay home, insist on staying home. It's the courteous thing to do.
Anyway, that's just my take on it. I wish you luck.
- Jun 3, 2009
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- Bassgearu, Music Industry Consulting and Sales. Tech 21, NBE Corp, Sonosphere.
I'll ask a show of hands out there of those of us who are divorced and have stories that in ways are similar....okay, stop, that is too many to count!
Vent here. Don't give it up. You give it up she will never give you the chance to get it back. There are, as one said, co-dependency issues as well as some underlying issues. I would suggest that you seek out a counselor, for yourself (NOT a marriage counselor, they are worthless.) A good counselor will help you keep your head in the right direction.
Sit your wife down and tell her how you FEEL, not what is or isn't right or what you think you should or shouldn't be able to do. Then, ask her to do something for you, write a note explaining how she feels, what is it that she feels she isn't getting or needs from you. Tell her you would really like her to write it down so you can really study it and that you will have it to work with.
Something in the note will tell you the underlying problem. It could as easily be that your attention to her has really cut back (happens when you have kids), she has put on weight and feels crappy about herself, she is getting some sort of pressure from her family, yada yada. It could also be that someone in your band is cheating on their significant other and your wife knows.
My ex was always "sick". The doctors could never find a definitive cause or diagnosis. I did everything, including taking a long haitus from the music. Worst thing I could ever have done.
You can PM me if you have specific questions or venting you need to do. I, like all your TB bros, am here if you need.
Vent here. Don't give it up. You give it up she will never give you the chance to get it back. There are, as one said, co-dependency issues as well as some underlying issues. I would suggest that you seek out a counselor, for yourself (NOT a marriage counselor, they are worthless.) A good counselor will help you keep your head in the right direction.
Sit your wife down and tell her how you FEEL, not what is or isn't right or what you think you should or shouldn't be able to do. Then, ask her to do something for you, write a note explaining how she feels, what is it that she feels she isn't getting or needs from you. Tell her you would really like her to write it down so you can really study it and that you will have it to work with.
Something in the note will tell you the underlying problem. It could as easily be that your attention to her has really cut back (happens when you have kids), she has put on weight and feels crappy about herself, she is getting some sort of pressure from her family, yada yada. It could also be that someone in your band is cheating on their significant other and your wife knows.
My ex was always "sick". The doctors could never find a definitive cause or diagnosis. I did everything, including taking a long haitus from the music. Worst thing I could ever have done.
You can PM me if you have specific questions or venting you need to do. I, like all your TB bros, am here if you need.
As a dad and husband of many years standing, I'd suggest rereading Mystic Michael and Vince P.
When my kids were born, esoecially the first, things got pretty weird at home too. Your world is changed, and I think it takes a little while to sink in with guys, at least in my experience. She probably is being unreasonable as judged by a member of the muso crowd, and she probaly is communicating in a weird, feminine roundabout way.
In my situation though, what I was being told was the problem was not the problem. I think that the transition from childless couple having fun, in the Mom's mind sometimes, to old couple with kids can cause a lot of insecurity. If you want to stick with your wife and have that be a happy relationship, maybe take some time to help work through that.
What do I know, though, I play bass
When my kids were born, esoecially the first, things got pretty weird at home too. Your world is changed, and I think it takes a little while to sink in with guys, at least in my experience. She probably is being unreasonable as judged by a member of the muso crowd, and she probaly is communicating in a weird, feminine roundabout way.
In my situation though, what I was being told was the problem was not the problem. I think that the transition from childless couple having fun, in the Mom's mind sometimes, to old couple with kids can cause a lot of insecurity. If you want to stick with your wife and have that be a happy relationship, maybe take some time to help work through that.
What do I know, though, I play bass
Yeah it has been said by many, many others before you, it is the perfect situation for them to control you (it is me or the band) When you fall into that trap you will be home and she will have won then the next thing you know she is sick of you up her a33 all the time why don't you go out with your friends or something get a hobby. An you will be back in a band again. Sit down with her and tell her you want me to quit so I can be around you all the time and that you are taking from me something I enjoy what are you going to give up that you enjoy? Marriage is a compromise so you want me to stop what are you going to stop doing? Point blank tell her you have to give up something and you are going to be miserable about it and hate me for making you give it up so now the shoe is on the other foot. Now ask how is this going to help our relationship with both of us hating each other? Then tell her you will cut down on the practice time a little so you can spend some more time together. I have been at this Bass thing for 40+ years this has happen to me countless times.Married for 19 years with 3 kids, I have 12 more shows lined for this year still to go with 24 in the can.
BLUF: You can always play in a band later. You can lose your family forever now.
As a father of two and someone that had hobbies that took me out of the house before that point, here's what I have to say. Listen to Mystic Michael, Vince P., zillo, and PassivAggressiv.
You need to reevaluate your priorities. Hopefully your family is a higher priority than music. If that means putting the bass away for a while, then that's what it means. If your family is not more important than music, then you need help.
As others have said, her issues with you playing in a band are most likely a symptom of a bigger problem.
How much true quality time are you spending with your wife? How much are you helping with the household duties? How much are you helping take care of your children while your wife gets some time to herself and with her friends? At a year into raising a little one plus the older one, she very well could be exhausted, lonely, starved for attention, and depressed.
Love and marriage are about taking care of your mates NEEDS before your WANTS. Playing music is a want. Her psychological well being is a need. It sounds like you are at a very important decision point. Be a real man and choose your marriage, your wife, your children, your family. You can always play in a band again sometime. You can't get your family back if you screw it up now.
- John
As a father of two and someone that had hobbies that took me out of the house before that point, here's what I have to say. Listen to Mystic Michael, Vince P., zillo, and PassivAggressiv.
You need to reevaluate your priorities. Hopefully your family is a higher priority than music. If that means putting the bass away for a while, then that's what it means. If your family is not more important than music, then you need help.
As others have said, her issues with you playing in a band are most likely a symptom of a bigger problem.
How much true quality time are you spending with your wife? How much are you helping with the household duties? How much are you helping take care of your children while your wife gets some time to herself and with her friends? At a year into raising a little one plus the older one, she very well could be exhausted, lonely, starved for attention, and depressed.
Love and marriage are about taking care of your mates NEEDS before your WANTS. Playing music is a want. Her psychological well being is a need. It sounds like you are at a very important decision point. Be a real man and choose your marriage, your wife, your children, your family. You can always play in a band again sometime. You can't get your family back if you screw it up now.
- John
She has issues that have nothing to do with your music. She needs professional help.
Quitting music will not satisfy her.
25 years from now you will still be a musician and she will likely be a distant and unpleasant memory.
I have seen this a hundred times.
The only decision is how long do you want to suffer.
Quitting music will not satisfy her.
25 years from now you will still be a musician and she will likely be a distant and unpleasant memory.
I have seen this a hundred times.
The only decision is how long do you want to suffer.
I disagree. Once their kid is on school she will more than likely find another reason why he shouldn't be in a band. If he is only going out one night a week, then she is being unreasonable.
I don't have kids, but I am in a band with 3 others who do have kids. Our weekly practice is their night out with the boys, and their wives have their own night out with the girls, and everyone is happy. Being married means sharing a life, but it doesn't mean giving up everything. The people I know with the strongest marriages all have their own hobbies or interests that they do without their spouses.
Your wife is probably seriously stressed out and feeling like she's doing the majority of the work with the kids while you go out and enjoy yourself. When kids are little, they are exhausting to take care of. (This gets easier when they are in school.) Offer to give her as much time away as you take. Let her hang out with her friends, go shopping, whatever she enjoys.
If that doesn't work, you might consider agreeing to drop the band for the sake of your family FOR A PERIOD OF TIME, preferably an agreed-upon period of time. Truthfully, I would have felt very resentful of my husband if he joined a band when the kids were little - there was simply too much for both of us to do at home, and kids must be a priority. Now they're in school, and we are BOTH in (separate) bands. We BOTH sacrificed some of our needs during that critical period when they were young and needed us around - and I feel very good about having done that, because those foundational years (up to age 5) are so important and you don't get a re-do with your kids. On the other hand, it's also important that you BOTH, as parents, don't lose the things you love and enjoy in the mix of taking care of a family, or you will feeling resentful and bitter.
It's all about balancing everyone's needs, and it's never an easy thing to do. If you frame a conversationg with, "I love you and our family more than anything and of course I want to put you first, but I also feel like if I give up playing music, I will lose an important part of me. Can we possibly figure out a way to make this work so that you're not feeling so stressed out when I'm gone?" And in the future, if she's sick or exhausted, don't just offer to stay home, insist on staying home. It's the courteous thing to do.
Anyway, that's just my take on it. I wish you luck.
+1 Well said.
I'm no professional counselor, so the only advice I will offer is - go see a professional counselor, with your wife. As others have offered, it sounds like there is an underlying issue other than your music which is causing your wife's behavior. You need to get to the root of the problem to kill the weed. Simply pulling the top off the weed will do no good, it will grow back quickly. Professional counselors (if they're any good) know how to do that.
Good luck brother, I'll send some prayers your way...
i had a girlfriend in the 80's that would throw all my clothes out on the lawn as i was leaving for practice ! she wanted me not to have a good time. you should not have to give up something you like for someone you love. she has badgered/guilted you into doing what she wants. not good 
when she realizes she succeeded, something else will come up. nip it in the bud.
when she realizes she succeeded, something else will come up. nip it in the bud.
