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Well... I guess I'm calling it quits.

#61
guess i could have said... yeah what everyone else said... good luck man!


im going to read this thru the rest of the day as im dealing with a similar situation...

My wife hasn't pulled this type of particular stunt ...

but at the end of the day she has admitted she's a little jealous that i have found something I like to do... and she doesn't "have anything" I already told to to seek out something. But I can see the difficulty as being Mommy is a full time job. There was this thing with me not helping as much as she thought i should around the house as well. And admittedly I wasn't...

I've also had to start scheduling QT with my wife... I let it be known before hand that I am spending time with just me and her. Scheduling and labeling the time has made a difference. Otherwise your efforts might go unnoticed I know mine certainly did. I've also had to pick up some slack around the house ... this has helped as well far as her seeing that I do care and I am here when she needs me.

The short of it. Mom needs time away as well. If she isn't getting that. She's not expecting that you should get it either. I had to do a little figurative and literal housekeeping at home before she got OK with it. She still isn't 100% on board but it's getting better. I'm hoping that giving my spoils from my first paid gig to her next month will help a little as well.
 
#62
From the country of the paternal leave I would like to present the following:

There is no such thing as "being Mommy is a full time job". Parenthood is a full time job, certainly. You are both equally well equipped to do that. Don't consider yourself "helping". You are doing what needs to be done together. This includes cooking, cleaning, changing diapers, shopping et cetera. These things can be split equally or partitioned according to preferences. But no party is helping out. You're both just doing what needs to be done.

When I was at home with my kids (7-8 months each) I was quite surprised how quickly I became the favored parent.
 
#64
MysticMichael said:
You were listening to what she said - not what she meant: a common husband "error"... :smug:

Dude, your wife is insecure - really insecure. Her irrationality and her controlling behavior suggest that something is going wrong with her beneath the surface - and that your band activity is likely just being made her scapegoat.

In other words, don't make the mistake of taking this all too literally, or too much at face value. Women tend to have a roundabout, indirect, vague and/or ambiguous way of communicating their needs & desires - especially when they don't feel they can come right out and say it...or when they themselves don't know what's wrong with them.

Don't sell off your gear - or quit your band - just yet. Get to the bottom of this, and find out what's really going on with her.

Good luck. Sounds like you may need it... :hmm:

MM
Click to expand...
+++1 on that!
 
#65
MysticMichael said:
You were listening to what she said - not what she meant: a common husband "error"... :smug:

Dude, your wife is insecure - really insecure. Her irrationality and her controlling behavior suggest that something is going wrong with her beneath the surface - and that your band activity is likely just being made her scapegoat.

In other words, don't make the mistake of taking this all too literally, or too much at face value. Women tend to have a roundabout, indirect, vague and/or ambiguous way of communicating their needs & desires - especially when they don't feel they can come right out and say it...or when they themselves don't know what's wrong with them.

Don't sell off your gear - or quit your band - just yet. Get to the bottom of this, and find out what's really going on with her.

Good luck. Sounds like you may need it... :hmm:

MM
Click to expand...

This
 
#66
MonkeyBass said:
This
Click to expand...

She's not asking you to give up the bass or the band, read between the lines. It's not even a matter of her being insecure. What she's asking you to do treat her like you treated her when you chased after her. Now that children are in the picture she has to pour out to them all the time and in turn wants you to make her feel sexy, loved, appreciated, special and desireable just like you did when you first met. I'm betting that if you start to do this the band/bass will not be in competition.

I'm currently going through the exact same thing with my wife after 17 years of marriage. Once I set my priorites in order she completely supports my playing and even compliments me and the band. Feels Good.

Start by taking her out on Friday night "Date Nites" and even arrange for the baby sitter.
 
#67
fingerbun said:
But don 't give everything up because it won't solve the problem.
Click to expand...

^ Read that again.... and again. Giving up playing will not solve the problem. If you do, there will soon be another problem. When that problem is solved, there will be another and so on.(ahhh.... a pattern) I've seen it happen too many times to too many good musicians.

Myself, I'm a husband and father. Kids all grown up, out of house now, but we never had these problems. My wife and I have always had "a life" individually, as well as a couple and family. Sure there has to be a bit of compromise, but totally abandoning playing is NOT a compromise.
Best of luck my friend, sounds like you'll need it.
 
#69
Bassman7PM said:
She's not asking you to give up the bass or the band, read between the lines. It's not even a matter of her being insecure. What she's asking you to do treat her like you treated her when you chased after her. Now that children are in the picture she has to pour out to them all the time and in turn wants you to make her feel sexy, loved, appreciated, special and desireable just like you did when you first met. I'm betting that if you start to do this the band/bass will not be in competition.

I'm currently going through the exact same thing with my wife after 17 years of marriage. Once I set my priorites in order she completely supports my playing and even compliments me and the band. Feels Good.

Start by taking her out on Friday night "Date Nites" and even arrange for the baby sitter.
Click to expand...

+1 to this. I have been in this situation, and now am on the other side. I took everything my wife said literally, and I gave up a lot of things that were important to me to please her, including playing basketball, seeing my friends, working playing video games (this was before I took up the bass). For a while my life was working at my high stress (but also interesting) job 55 to 60 hrs a week, and taking care of my son and doing house work every moment I was awake. In fact, I tried to get out early from work because she was complaining that I was in love with my career. This did nothing to cure the underlying communication and insecurity problems, and I did not help because I was addressing the wrong issues. It was like throwing yourself into a black hole, you disappear into oblivion with nothing having been changed as a result of your sacrifice.

I actually picked up the bass about a year and a half ago because 1) my church needed a bass player, and 2) I needed something that was for me that was not work, child, or wife to edify myself, that I could do at night after our young son went to bed that did not depend on her. In some ways, looking back at it, I felt like it was my trying to make due with nothing.

Things were bad, and she even threw around the d word a couple of times. We went to counseling with a pastor at our church who was a certified marriage counselor with a PhD and wonderful wife to boot. We first worked just on communicating with one another (speaker listener). We received spiritual counseling (which may or may not be appropriate for you) individually. Finally, we started to compromise, but I learned, and she learned, how to make sacrifices for one another that are not in vain.

As I learned to communicate better, a lot of my wife's controlling behaviors backed off. We did still have to compromise. I still work crazy hours, but the demands have backed off. As she felt that I was understanding her more, she let me pursue my interests. I play about an hour a night at home, and rehearse at church and play once a week. As I get older I hope to take on more projects, I am just thankful to have a regular place to play. She has taken on a new interest, weight loss, and that has given her self confidence (I always thought she was beautiful even with the added weight) and allowed her to use her love of encouraging other people to do good things.

I would recommend to you a book that we used called "Getting the Love you Want" by Harville Hendrix (no affiliation with the author). Heck, I'll even buy you a copy and send it to you. Just PM me.

He does a good job describing how the things we love about someone eventually cause tension in our relationships. You mentioned that your wife loved and was attracted to you being a guitar player, but now uses that fact to tear you down. That is the result of a need not being met. I had the same situation, I loved the fact that my wife is much more encouraging then I am, it balances out my pessimism. However, those traits that I loved about her caused us strife.

I'm sorry about the verbosity, but my main point here is don't give up the bass. Change the strategy you currently use for communicating your needs, and listening to hers, and then adjust accordingly. Good luck.
 
#70
I met my first wife when I was playing music, and the fact that I was a musician was part of the attraction. When we got married, I stopped playing music for about 5 years, because I wanted to spend time with her, build a life, and make the marriage solid. I did have other hobbies/activities that I did during that time, and slipped back into music in a kind of sideways way, via recording sessions with some friend who were writing original Christian music. I was very active in church at the time, so it was kind of a natural progression, which she supported and was actually quite excited about. By this time we had 2 kids, and a third one on the way. She had never asked me to give up music, I chose to in order to be a good husband, and later father to my kids. I even played in the church band for a while, with her blessing and encouragement.

Due to some upheavals in the church we attended, and a bit of homesickness for our hometown, we moved back to where we started from, and settled into making a life there. I met and got involved with some friends who were playing music, and since my wife also sang (she had a good singing voice), she was also a part of it. It was that involvement that ultimately sowed the seeds of our marriage's eventual self-destruction. She became infatuated with the keyboard player, unbeknownst to me, and while nothing happened, it drove a wedge into our relationship,that I was never able to remove. I remained friends with him, even as his own marriage was disintegrating. We did stop playing together for a few years, and I was asked to step into a Country band with the drummer I had been working with (this was the early 80's, when Country was starting to really become popular). In the meantime, my wife had started to develop friendships of her own, which at first I was not opposed to, because I was making and bringing home some money playing music, to supplement the family income. We basically started drifting apart, as I started to climb the ladder in the local music scene, gaining respect and opportunities with better and better bands. By the end of the 80's I was stepping into what would be a very popular band in our area, landing a house band gig that lasted for 4 years, 3 nights a week, for really good pay. At one point she complained about me being gone 3 nights a week playing music, and I reminded her that she and the kids were eating because I did so (I didn't have another job by that time). She was still fooling around with other men, and I finally had enough of it, and divorced her, knowing that I was basically flushing my own life down the toilet, because of the way the laws were in our state regarding child support, etc. I kept on playing, for my own sanity. And I haven't stopped, now being in the longest-lived band in our area, and a group of musical peers, who I once dreamed of playing with. I was married for 16 years, single for 14 years after that, and now married for almost 6 years to my second wife, who does not have issues with me playing about once a month, and sporadic practice sessions, as we can schedule them.

Bottom line, the OP's situation is, as others have pointed out, a problem in HER head, one which she either won't, or cannot, articulate directly. The OP needs to confront and get to the REAL problem, and at least attempt to solve it, or help her find a way to deal with it, and nip the controlling behavior in the bud. If she was initially attracted to him being a musician, then it is irrational for her to want to change that. Women very often engage in a behavior of trying to "improve" their man, by forcing change, and then being dismayed if he does change, and start complaining that "you aren't the man I fell in love with". I say, stand your ground, be the man you've always been, and if you don't know who that is, you'd better find out! Get yourself together, because you can't help anyone else if you need help yourself.
 
#71
+1 for MysticMichael and those who have said that there's something else wrong. Quitting will not resolve your marriage issues. You will come to resent her. Seriously, dude... if this kind of control game is what she's all about, you're doomed. If it isn't music, it will be fishing or bowling or poker night.

I made it clear when I got married that this was more than a hobby. It was part of my soul. If I had to give up music entirely, I would be miserable and would not be much of a husband, and we'd probably wind up splitting anyway.

What I did wind up doing when we had our first child is dialing it back. The full time band had broke up, but I still wanted to (had to) play. I joined another part time band and went down to one night a week, one or two weekend gigs a month. It was a compromise, but at least I could keep my sanity.

Good luck, man. Counsellers do wonders.
 
#72
Liam Wald said:
Excuse me but I think this is crap!
Marriage is NOT about sacrificing your life to fulfill the NEEDS of someone.
NEEDY people suck. They suck the life out of anyone who will let them.
Being a man is not about allowing people to use and abuse you.
Being a man is standing up for yourself, not laying down and being walked on.
Click to expand...

Excuse me, but I think this is crap.

Marriage, or any relationship for that matter requires sacrifice. Healthy relationships require understanding that it's not all about you, and that understanding requires some level of sacrifice. That means I don't sleep with my wife's friend for my jollies, take advantage of co-workers to make my job easier, or choose to do something fun when a close friend is in need. It's because the relationship matters more than what I am sacrificing.

Sorry, but everyone has needs, including you. Why be in a relationship if you aren't getting your needs met? But that would make you needy, therefore you'd suck. And kids are needy by nature, and there's no way around that. Relationships are based on needs, including the need for connection and belonging as well as practical needs. You can say that these things suck the life out of you, but for many this is the reason for living. A life with no-one who needs you is pretty empty, and leads to it's own insanity and problems.

Being a man is one thing, but a husband or parent is another thing. Being a man is standing up for yourself, but being a parent/husband is standing up for the ones you love. Being a man is about not letting people use and abuse you, but being a parent/husband is about not letting others use and abuse the ones you love. Because once you become a parent or husband, it's not all about you anymore. And it's not a bad thing, because I've never met an "it's all about me" person that was ever truly happy.

YMMV
 
#74
jive1 said:
Excuse me, but I think this is crap.

Marriage, or any relationship for that matter requires sacrifice. Healthy relationships require understanding that it's not all about you, and that understanding requires some level of sacrifice. That means I don't sleep with my wife's friend for my jollies, take advantage of co-workers to make my job easier, or choose to do something fun when a close friend is in need. It's because the relationship matters more than what I am sacrificing.

Sorry, but everyone has needs, including you. Why be in a relationship if you aren't getting your needs met? But that would make you needy, therefore you'd suck. And kids are needy by nature, and there's no way around that. Relationships are based on needs, including the need for connection and belonging as well as practical needs. You can say that these things suck the life out of you, but for many this is the reason for living. A life with no-one who needs you is pretty empty, and leads to it's own insanity and problems.

Being a man is one thing, but a husband or parent is another thing. Being a man is standing up for yourself, but being a parent/husband is standing up for the ones you love. Being a man is about not letting people use and abuse you, but being a parent/husband is about not letting others use and abuse the ones you love. Because once you become a parent or husband, it's not all about you anymore. And it's not a bad thing, because I've never met an "it's all about me" person that was ever truly happy.

YMMV
Click to expand...

+1 to this. I have seen my brother live a it's about me lifestyle, and I have been busy lately trying to figure out how to clean up the wreckage.
 
#78
I had to work thru this same thing. It sucks. I hesitate to give advice as I am sure much has already been said and each situation is different. In my own it was that my wife traded her professional identity for a maternal identity and it was consuming her. I basically had to force her to go out and do something on her own so that she had a life outside the kids.

Tough break, but I would be careful about compromising your identity for someone else as well.

Ken
 
#80
My earlier post probably came off harsh and unfeeling, but the OP described my life to a tee and that was pretty much my solution. I am still married to the same woman. One thing I left out was make a list of your priorities, look over the list and make sure there isn't anything that would convict you of douchbaggery on it. Give it to your wife and tell her this is how you are going to live your life, if she can't deal with it then it is on her. Then follow it to the letter. If she tries to call you out on your actions/ inaction, point to the list.

It has helped me immensely. She is still pissed that I want to gig, but I've made my goals and intentions clear and have followed that up with action. I only talk with her when she is talking to me like I am a good person with good intentions. I don't know what it does for her, but my sanity is at an all time high and we're still married.

Good luck to you.
 

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