Well... I guess I'm calling it quits.

[PJMiDi]

reminds me of a high school chick...

 

[BassyBill]

My own take on this, which won't work for everyone - me and my girl broke up. Me and my music could never break up. Guess which is more important to me.

I'm not being romantic about the music here, just realistic. Relationships with a partner, for many of us, come and go. There's nothing wrong with that and the fact that a relationship turns out not to be eternal doesn't ever mean that it was a waste of time. But when relationships with others falter or fail, you're still an individual. And part of that individual is the music you make. Sometimes I have a "life partner" and sometimes I don't (rinse and repeat as often as necessary). But I will always have my music. Just sayin'.

Short version - in the long term, your music is more important than your wife.

 

[Megazap63]

My own take on this, which won't work for everyone - me and my girl broke up. Me and my music could never break up. Guess which is more important to me.

I'm not being romantic about the music here, just realistic. Relationships with a partner, for many of us, come and go. There's nothing wrong with that and the fact that a relationship turns out not to be eternal doesn't ever mean that it was a waste of time. But when relationships with others falter or fail, you're still an individual. And part of that individual is the music you make. Sometimes I have a "life partner" and sometimes I don't (rinse and repeat as often as necessary). But I will always have my music. Just sayin'.

Short version - in the long term, your music is more important than your wife.

Up until about six years ago, when I got married for the first time, I would have agreed with your last statement. For me, the music and the missus are now equally important.

Having said that, I didn't commit to a marriage until age 42 - having first sussed that my missus would always support my musical and other (reasonable) endeavours.

 

[Gaius46]

My own take on this, which won't work for everyone - me and my girl broke up. Me and my music could never break up. Guess which is more important to me.

I'm not being romantic about the music here, just realistic. Relationships with a partner, for many of us, come and go. There's nothing wrong with that and the fact that a relationship turns out not to be eternal doesn't ever mean that it was a waste of time. But when relationships with others falter or fail, you're still an individual. And part of that individual is the music you make. Sometimes I have a "life partner" and sometimes I don't (rinse and repeat as often as necessary). But I will always have my music. Just sayin'.

Short version - in the long term, your music is more important than your wife.

Breaking up with a girlfriend - which is what I think you're talking about - and divorcing a wife aren't even remotely in the same ballpark.

Even if the emotional impacts are comparable, the financial ramifications certainly aren't. And that doesn't even touch on the possible ramifications where any minor children are concerned.

 

[saustindavis]

Anyone else notice the OP has disappeared?

I'm still here, there have just been too many responses for me to answer, and homework has been kicking my butt.

Some info... I only practice once a week, and on a very rare occasion twice, and no gigs yet since we are still writing songs. I do my part around the house, have never been one of those workaholics, and am actually going to be the stay at home parent starting a couple of weeks. I feel like I am pretty dang involved for a father. We've agreed that we will look for someone to talk with, because we just aren't seeing eye to eye on some things. I have tried many times to suggest she find a hobby, but she would rather lock herself in the bedroom and watch tv than get out of the house and do something. That makes it hard because the kids know she's in there, so when the baby starts crying she (the baby) heads straight there. Anyway... I think I will be able to continue with the band, she just wants me to try and be more flexible if something comes up. I agreed to be more understanding and to try to make sure that the family comes before the band, which is fair because I am more than just a musician and when push comes to shove my family is my top priority.

Also, while I was frustrated about the situation I did not appreciate the comments about my wife being a bitch, or suggestions that I find a new wife.

 

[whocaresnotme]

I was married to a woman like this for 20 years. It was a continuous fight between us for many years. In the end she won the battle but lost the war. When the kids grew up I left.

I , then, pro-actively looked for a woman who would understand and be supportive of me and my passion to play music.. I found her and we have been married for 19 years. Always her last words as I walk out the door to rehearse or gig are "have fun".

I am lucky and as someone said early on "there is a deeper problem". Get counseling for both of you ASAP.

 

[remainthesame]

this is why im never getting married and im never gunna have kids. i love my music way too much to have anything get in the way of my dream

 

[Megazap63]

this is why im never getting married and im never gunna have kids. i love my music way too much to have anything get in the way of my dream

A lot of us married guys probably felt the same way....until the RIGHT one came along....

 

[Megazap63]

I was married to a woman like this for 20 years. It was a continuous fight between us for many years. In the end she won the battle but lost the war. When the kids grew up I left.

I , then, pro-actively looked for a woman who would understand and be supportive of me and my passion to play music.. I found her and we have been married for 19 years. Always her last words as I walk out the door to rehearse or gig are "have fun".

I am lucky and as someone said early on "there is a deeper problem". Get counseling for both of you ASAP.

Good to hear there was a happy ending for you!!!

BTW, they're the exact last words I hear from my missus as I head out the door to gig/rehearse - feels nice, yeah??!!

 

[skychief]

"there is a deeper problem". Get counseling for both of you ASAP.

What a tragic story (OP). Definitely time to call on a professional.

Maybe wait a while before selling your gear. You might be able to work things out with your wife/marriage and then resume your musical path.

 

[jive1]

My own take on this, which won't work for everyone - me and my girl broke up. Me and my music could never break up. Guess which is more important to me.

I'm not being romantic about the music here, just realistic. Relationships with a partner, for many of us, come and go. There's nothing wrong with that and the fact that a relationship turns out not to be eternal doesn't ever mean that it was a waste of time. But when relationships with others falter or fail, you're still an individual. And part of that individual is the music you make. Sometimes I have a "life partner" and sometimes I don't (rinse and repeat as often as necessary). But I will always have my music. Just sayin'.

Short version - in the long term, your music is more important than your wife.

Like others said, breaking up with a girlfriend vs a wife is different thing. Aside from the emotional aspect, there's also the legal and practical aspects as well. And if there are kids, the stakes are raised considerable.

I'm a guy who for whom music is a very big part of his life. Much of my time and energy is put towards it. But I remember what an old and healthy musician said to me, "There are some things that music isn't meant to give you". Music does alot for me, but it cannot do everything for me, especially as I get older. What if I lost my hearing? What if I had arthritis so bad, I couldn't play? Can music take care of me when I am old? Can music fulfill all my emotional and practical needs?
Sometimes the saddest and most frustrated musicians are those that seek from music something that it cannot provide.

Wives and girlfriends are one thing, children are another. And sometimes the best thing you can do for your children is to love their mother/father.

 

[Megazap63]

Like others said, breaking up with a girlfriend vs a wife is different thing. Aside from the emotional aspect, there's also the legal and practical aspects as well. And if there are kids, the stakes are raised considerable.

I'm a guy who for whom music is a very big part of his life. Much of my time and energy is put towards it. But I remember what an old and healthy musician said to me, "There are some things that music isn't meant to give you". Music does alot for me, but it cannot do everything for me, especially as I get older. What if I lost my hearing? What if I had arthritis so bad, I couldn't play? Can music take care of me when I am old? Can music fulfill all my emotional and practical needs?
Sometimes the saddest and most frustrated musicians are those that seek from music something that it cannot provide.

Wives and girlfriends are one thing, children are another. And sometimes the best thing you can do for your children is to love their mother/father.

+1 to all these comments - very, aptly stated.

 

[maxiegrant]

I'm still here, there have just been too many responses for me to answer, and homework has been kicking my butt.

Some info... I only practice once a week, and on a very rare occasion twice, and no gigs yet since we are still writing songs. I do my part around the house, have never been one of those workaholics, and am actually going to be the stay at home parent starting a couple of weeks. I feel like I am pretty dang involved for a father. We've agreed that we will look for someone to talk with, because we just aren't seeing eye to eye on some things. I have tried many times to suggest she find a hobby, but she would rather lock herself in the bedroom and watch tv than get out of the house and do something. That makes it hard because the kids know she's in there, so when the baby starts crying she (the baby) heads straight there. Anyway... I think I will be able to continue with the band, she just wants me to try and be more flexible if something comes up. I agreed to be more understanding and to try to make sure that the family comes before the band, which is fair because I am more than just a musician and when push comes to shove my family is my top priority.

Also, while I was frustrated about the situation I did not appreciate the comments about my wife being a bitch, or suggestions that I find a new wife.

Dude, I don't know your age, but let me tell you. I was in your shoes. My ex pretended to support what I was doing until we really got in the middle of things. Then it was an immature hobby, an imposition on her, and a waste of my time. Or whatever.

I'm not suggesting that you find a new wife, but I do suggest you view this as a fundamental issue that will occur no matter what you do. It is massive insecurity and unless it gets addressed you'll be struggling with this for the rest of your life. I was married for 20 years to the wrong person and little hints like that kept popping up until it was all too big to ignore.

I left and I now have a BETTER and more in-depth relationship with my children because of it. And I am obviously a thousand times happier being who I really am. My experience with this was she was trying to mold me into someone I was not, and the musician appendage needed to be trimmed off because it wasn't the right shape for me.

That trimming and hacking started to include anything I did that wasn't sitting at home where she could keep track of me. I did 6 years of martial arts -- same thing. Initial acceptance, gradual resentment, then full-blown sabotage.

I am a much happier person for having left. If you can get her to counseling to comprehend it that's great but for the sake of your own sanity and health and that of your kids, do not let her suffocate you in a cocoon just to appease her need to be comfortable. I almost ended my marriage by driving my car into a concrete abutment. You don't see that now, but let this kind of squelching of your personal enjoyment of life continue and it will all start to seem meaningless. Don't wait.

 

[maxiegrant]

Music does alot for me, but it cannot do everything for me, especially as I get older. What if I lost my hearing? What if I had arthritis so bad, I couldn't play? Can music take care of me when I am old? Can music fulfill all my emotional and practical needs?
.

No, but if your life partner cannot tolerate you doing these things, neither can she fulfil you, take care of you, or meet your emotional needs.

Been there. Done that. Much happier now.

 

[gordon sims]

Have you considered couple's therapy? I haven't done it myself, but have a few friends who have and they all had very positive things to say.

I think your experience is pretty common. I started playing music again shortly after my son was born. Full time job, plus practicing twice per week and gigs every few months. I don't think it ever got as bad as your situation, but there were definitely some really rough patches and breakdowns. 'Coincidentally' our biggest fights would all happen around one week before each gig.

Not sure how old your kids are, but being a new mother can be very stressful and emotional for women. I too always considered myself to be a very involved father. But I realized that parenting is a very different experience for women for a whole whack of reasons. A lot of women get insecure, depressed and feel isolated.

Things got a lot better when she went back to work (I live in Canada where they get one year off). Even though it is more stressful in some ways, it helped a lot for her to be back out in the world with other things to focus on other than the kids.

My little guy is around 20 months old now and things are MUCH better. Although, we'll have to see what happens when #2 arrives ...

I think you should hang in there and find a way to work out your problems without quitting music. Compromise and accommodate as much as you can. But nothing would be worse than quitting and finding that the problems are all still there.

 

[Down & Outman]

Just don't sell you gear. You'l regret it later.

Try flowers, chocolates, etc. when you come home after practice.

She's probably going stir crazy at home with the kids. My wife did that occasionally as well. You just have to take her out on dates and watch the kids for her so she can get out. Give and take.

I have the same problem with going out to my workshop to try to build guitars for extended periods of time. She will always finds an excuse for me to run to the store or have some kind of emergency when I'm in the middle of something I can't quit on. Just gotta love em.

 

[6jase5]

I've seen the hormonal imbalance train come in and knock many a foundation apart. Luckily not for me, but honestly your wife sounds, as little as we can all tell, like she has some other issues going on. Band practice sounds like it could be anything that gets you out of the house and isn't really the issue.

I'm very grateful that my wife laughs and says "Have fun storming the castle" every time I leave for rehearsal. But I also say the same as she leaves for "mom's night out" or wherever she wants to go. You guys each need some things that make you happy and maybe her biggest problem is not having one for herself.

I'm thinking Post partum or jealousy, potentially both. Try some counseling (not a friend, a real MFC) and/or drug therapy or this won't get better on it's own.

Also, people calling her a bitch, have some class.

 

[Roy Vogt]

I would definitely recommend some sort of couples or pastoral counseling.
If she's at home with the kids all day she could be just really, really burned out. See if you can schedule some nights out or even a short vacation now and then to give her something to look forward to.
Sorry you're going through this. Making a living (or even part of a living) playing Music is challenging enough without relationship stuff.
Good luck!

 

[kesslari]

Counseling is a good idea. Good luck with it all, and remember that life, like marriage, is not a destination, it's a process.

 

[Muttleybass]

Once a week and no gigs should not even be close to a problem. She should also be allowed to have a night of the week for her to do whatever she wants... wine & sob fest with her friends, bingo... a band of her own.. WHATEVER, with you looking after your kids.

Dude, it sounds like you're doing your part. I think if you give up your music your relationship will not get any better and you will live to regret it.

Is it me or is it just your tone that makes her come across as jealous that you have something you enjoy?