And get ready for an onslaught of new and unseen behaviours while she tests both your tolarance for her BS and your desire to truly change your behaviour and attitude towards her. In the face of ever increasingly controlling and testing behaviours.
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Well... I guess I'm calling it quits.
- Thread starter saustindavis
- Start date
Well told. I agree with this, and with the comments MysticMichael and Jive1 have been making. I've been through these kinds of things in my marriage, and I suspect every marriage does at some point or other. You DO have to put your music into the overall context of your life, and you CAN'T just do as you please as though you were single.
But the real issue can usually be solved without quitting music altogether. It's most often the feeling on her part that she's competing with the band for your attention and losing.
You need to have a real talk - with a counselor or pastor or someone to moderate is a good idea - and get out what she's insecure about, and what tangible things you can do to show her that you're engaged in the family, that you're not running off, and how you can give her time to go do things that SHE wants to do.
When she sees that you're making time for her, that you're doing your part with the kids and the dishes and whatever else, that she's getting to go have girls' night out or hobby time or whatever, then she'll be more secure about you going to play with the band.
Dude, if it ain't the music it'll be something else. My wife has been jealous of the dog because I pet him. Oh, and my motorcycle is my "girlfriend," she says. Or having a weekend off with pals means I don't care about her (she forgets all the times I try to do something with her). Women seem to have a way of twisting the meaning of anything. Does my wife have a hobby? No. Do I? Hell yes, besides music I'm interested in astronomy, hiking, riding my bikes, study natural history, and more. I'm interested in things. But, what she overlooks is that I always try to include her in any activity.
But here's the deal. This is BIG: you have to DO SOMETHING to make her feel loved. You might be surprised if you knew how many times you might not have done something when you might should have. I have tried to pay attention to what I do daily. Perhaps your wife should not feel so insecure (and clearly she does, for whatever reason), but doing something special for her will go a long way. With that said, if there is still a problem, you have to make a decision. For myself, I cannot give up something like music. It's something that is who I am. Me, or no one else, can change that. If I don't find peace with my wife at that point I am prepared to tell her that she is the one who needs to find peace, because I can't change what I am. She must love me for who I am. It shouldn't be a problem if I am also always doing things just for her, and Us.
One thing that can help is to take her to gigs. My wife has been going with me lately, and we have a good time. For the past 25 years she has been to only a few gigs. Having her there now feels good to both of us. (Of course, she has to give that a twist, too, by suggesting that it's just because I want someone there for me---but she saves all that for when she's in a bad mood and wants to stick me with something, ya know).
I dunno, man, I'm getting all confused now trying to write this. Women can really scramble your brains. I guess the main thing is to know who the hell you are, present that to them, and tell them to deal with it. Sometimes women are attracted to men who are like that, men who have it "going on." Like, men who are confident and industrious, knowing just what they're doing. She may even feel less secure knowing that she has a man who can handle anything.
I'm not willing to split up with my wife, but I think she's getting to where she doesn't feel as insecure as in the past. I hope I have done something to help her feel that way. Whatever it is, things are better. I remember once when she threatened to leave me, and when I had heard enough I went to the door and opened it and said, "Then just go!" Heh, heh, she ran off to her room in tears thinking, "Now what am I supposed to do?" (She told me that later, LOL).
Be youself, man, and tell her you love her---but most of all, make sure YOU SHOW IT! Otherwise, sheesh, I dunno what to tell ya. Good luck, pal.
But here's the deal. This is BIG: you have to DO SOMETHING to make her feel loved. You might be surprised if you knew how many times you might not have done something when you might should have. I have tried to pay attention to what I do daily. Perhaps your wife should not feel so insecure (and clearly she does, for whatever reason), but doing something special for her will go a long way. With that said, if there is still a problem, you have to make a decision. For myself, I cannot give up something like music. It's something that is who I am. Me, or no one else, can change that. If I don't find peace with my wife at that point I am prepared to tell her that she is the one who needs to find peace, because I can't change what I am. She must love me for who I am. It shouldn't be a problem if I am also always doing things just for her, and Us.
One thing that can help is to take her to gigs. My wife has been going with me lately, and we have a good time. For the past 25 years she has been to only a few gigs. Having her there now feels good to both of us. (Of course, she has to give that a twist, too, by suggesting that it's just because I want someone there for me---but she saves all that for when she's in a bad mood and wants to stick me with something, ya know).
I dunno, man, I'm getting all confused now trying to write this. Women can really scramble your brains. I guess the main thing is to know who the hell you are, present that to them, and tell them to deal with it. Sometimes women are attracted to men who are like that, men who have it "going on." Like, men who are confident and industrious, knowing just what they're doing. She may even feel less secure knowing that she has a man who can handle anything.
I'm not willing to split up with my wife, but I think she's getting to where she doesn't feel as insecure as in the past. I hope I have done something to help her feel that way. Whatever it is, things are better. I remember once when she threatened to leave me, and when I had heard enough I went to the door and opened it and said, "Then just go!" Heh, heh, she ran off to her room in tears thinking, "Now what am I supposed to do?" (She told me that later, LOL).
Be youself, man, and tell her you love her---but most of all, make sure YOU SHOW IT! Otherwise, sheesh, I dunno what to tell ya. Good luck, pal.
seen this happen before.
Girl meets boy musician.
Girl digs boy musician
Girl marries boy musician
Girl finds reason to pressure boy musician to leave the band -- she's jealous of his time away, attention from females at gigs, or whatever.
Girl doesn't care that boy musician was a musician when they met or that this is his passion. She only cares about her needs.
Boy musician stupidly leaves music, only to end up resenting her for it.
granted, having a kid changes the equation, and compromise is the essence of a good marriage, BUT you will be really sorry if you quit the band because she demanded it. You will end up resenting it. I guarantee it.
Try and get your balls back from her and figure out a compromise that is something other than you capitulating to her demands. THAT is a slippery slope. When do the demands end? The biggest manipulation that women use is any sentence that starts with "If you loved me, you would..."
Don't be a fool. Stand your ground. it's part of who you are. If she doesn't respect that, then she doesn't respect YOU.
Girl meets boy musician.
Girl digs boy musician
Girl marries boy musician
Girl finds reason to pressure boy musician to leave the band -- she's jealous of his time away, attention from females at gigs, or whatever.
Girl doesn't care that boy musician was a musician when they met or that this is his passion. She only cares about her needs.
Boy musician stupidly leaves music, only to end up resenting her for it.
granted, having a kid changes the equation, and compromise is the essence of a good marriage, BUT you will be really sorry if you quit the band because she demanded it. You will end up resenting it. I guarantee it.
Try and get your balls back from her and figure out a compromise that is something other than you capitulating to her demands. THAT is a slippery slope. When do the demands end? The biggest manipulation that women use is any sentence that starts with "If you loved me, you would..."
Don't be a fool. Stand your ground. it's part of who you are. If she doesn't respect that, then she doesn't respect YOU.
+500.
From my (short... 2 years) experience of being married, the number one thing is that you need to be able to strike a balance between "work time", "us time" and "me time". It's not set in stone, and will change from moment to moment, so be flexible.
Something that I think works out well is if you keep things fair; meaning: if you go practice with the band for 3 hours once a week, then she should be able to hang out with the girls or go shopping for 3 hours once a week. If she goes out for 2 hours every day, you should be able to do similar. (this, on the other hand, is *not* good for GAS... lemme tell ya)
It worked for me, but YMMV
Issues like this are one of two things:
-Communication (lack of it)
-Behavior (usually misunderstood)
You have to talk about it, both understand what is happening and what each other's motivations are, and reach an agreement on how you will spend your time.
Both partners need to have the opportunity to do things they value. Both need support from the other. Talk it out...and don't give ultimatums or threats.
-Communication (lack of it)
-Behavior (usually misunderstood)
You have to talk about it, both understand what is happening and what each other's motivations are, and reach an agreement on how you will spend your time.
Both partners need to have the opportunity to do things they value. Both need support from the other. Talk it out...and don't give ultimatums or threats.
- Nov 8, 2010
- 1,391
- 9
- Disclosures
- Unofficial Endorser: Ibanez, D'Addario, Zoom
^Seen this with other hobbies/professions too; especially military.
+500.
From my (short... 2 years) experience of being married, the number one thing is that you need to be able to strike a balance between "work time", "us time" and "me time". It's not set in stone, and will change from moment to moment, so be flexible.
Something that I think works out well is if you keep things fair; meaning: if you go practice with the band for 3 hours once a week, then she should be able to hang out with the girls or go shopping for 3 hours once a week. If she goes out for 2 hours every day, you should be able to do similar. (this, on the other hand, is *not* good for GAS... lemme tell ya)
It worked for me, but YMMV
If you run a good budget; it will work for GAS
these threads always go on for pages and pages.
Many of the long married guys have some good advice for balancing family and music.
But because everyone's situation is different,
and we can never know if the issue really is what it seems on the surface,
the best advice I have seen is go see a marriage counselor.
seriously: the two of you are deeply invested in family and music,
and are never going to see things in an completely objective way
and be able to assess what boundaries, demands, feelings, and sacrifices are appropriate and healthy.
Maybe she has other issues, maybe you do, who knows?
Most importantly, the arguments are happening because
you haven't learned to communicate effectively about the issues at hand.
Learning to do so take time and effort -I speak from experience.
Go see a marriage counselor.
Many of the long married guys have some good advice for balancing family and music.
But because everyone's situation is different,
and we can never know if the issue really is what it seems on the surface,
the best advice I have seen is go see a marriage counselor.
seriously: the two of you are deeply invested in family and music,
and are never going to see things in an completely objective way
and be able to assess what boundaries, demands, feelings, and sacrifices are appropriate and healthy.
Maybe she has other issues, maybe you do, who knows?
Most importantly, the arguments are happening because
you haven't learned to communicate effectively about the issues at hand.
Learning to do so take time and effort -I speak from experience.
Go see a marriage counselor.
Absolutely.
Maybe try making a deal, like you’ll quit the band if she and you go to counseling.
If she won’t do that, my guess is that quitting won’t help. If she does, you’ll likely end up with a healthier relationship AND the band.
Ha… my x hassled me about everything BUT my gigging.
I’d be out making $100 while she'd sneak off to the casino and put $1,000 on my credit card (after she blew all her money).
Did someone suggest she go shopping? Cuz, if no one did, we should all be ashamed.
Yes
shopping
What a wonderful way for a wife to make the guy pay for doing something she doesnt want him to do.
What a wonderful way for a wife to make the guy pay for doing something she doesnt want him to do.
+1000. You have a baby. Job One. Her life has changed a ton and she probably feels strapped down. I've basically given up hanging out with friends because I want that one night a week to jam. She considers that my "boys night".
. If something "special" goes on, I take a rare night out and see old friends. But I definately push her to take as much "her" time, or time with friends as she needs. Don't leave the band. Take a leave of absence to see if you can tow you line a little harder to see if it helps. If she is still not happy... Run!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! JK. You have to be happy, But since you fathered a child that is your priority ONE, unless your a piece of s&^%!
It's your job to raise the child. Your wife probably feels overwhelmed by the 24/7 care your child requires, and sees you bailing on her when she needs you. Your kid is a hell of a lot more important than your bass and your band. Those guys are eventually going to disappear out of your life. Make sure you don't disappear from the lives of your children. I put music on hold while my children grew up, and I'm not a bit sorry. I spent a couple of evenings with them in Austin last weekend, and we had a great time, partly because we were together when they were growing up.
For what it's worth, the younger boy is now 32 and married to a pregnant wife; the older will be 39 in October and is married. I have another, daughter, 36, but she had a cold and couldn't join us. We spent Friday evening at the Iguana Grille on Lake Travis, eating good food and listening to the Shake Russell Trio. Where are my band mates from when they were children? Your guess is as good as mine.
Also, for what it's worth, I returned about 8 years ago to playing in serious bands, and it's a hell of a lot more fun now than it was when I was trying to juggle job, family and music.
For what it's worth, the younger boy is now 32 and married to a pregnant wife; the older will be 39 in October and is married. I have another, daughter, 36, but she had a cold and couldn't join us. We spent Friday evening at the Iguana Grille on Lake Travis, eating good food and listening to the Shake Russell Trio. Where are my band mates from when they were children? Your guess is as good as mine.
Also, for what it's worth, I returned about 8 years ago to playing in serious bands, and it's a hell of a lot more fun now than it was when I was trying to juggle job, family and music.
jive1
Commercial User
+1000
If there is any value in counseling, it's getting an objective point of view. You should get a counselor that BOTH of you are comfortable with. Nothing wrong with shopping around either.
Marriage and family takes time and effort, and to do it well takes practice. IMHO, if musicians just spent a fraction on their time and resources on their relationships as we did on our music, we'd probably be a healthier bunch. And I'm as guilty as anyone. I have no problem throwing down $50 on a 1/2 hour lesson, but can't fathom paying $80 for an hour of counseling. I will spend $25 on music book and read it enthusiastically, but books on marriage and parenting don't make it onto my radar unless I'm waiting at the doctor's office. I can spend hours practicing a challenging piece of music, but won't spend minutes working out a challenging topic in my family. But, I know that anything worthwhile in life takes time, effort, and resources. It's easy for me to see and do in terms of music, because I had a lifetime of doing it and know it's worthwhile. On the other hand, my marriage and family is very worthwhile, and I need to learn to put time, energy, and resources into it.
Here's a funny story. I'm a girl...and guess what, it sucks being on this side of the fence too. My boyfriend gets bent out of shape when I play in a band with a bunch of guys and seems to constantly worry that I will run off with one of them, even though I don't do stuff like that and am very business-minded when it comes to music. Not to mention, nine times out of ten, I'm "one of the guys," so he really has nothing to worry about. But it honestly sucks when I feel like I only get considered for gigs because I'm a woman and therefore "different" or "interesting" as a bassist.
It also sucks that the whole "nagging wife" thing has become such a huge cliche among bands. I understand that there is truth in stereotypes, but it's not fun to be a woman among a boys' club and then read about how "most women" are drama queens, or controlling, or whatever. I don't like to think that the only reason I get hired for any job is because of my looks and not because of my skills...it just kinda makes me feel cheap.
The bottom line with your situation is that you have a family and therefore, an obligation. I'm not trying to sound like a dick, but having kids makes it even more critical that you devote time to them and do the right thing...that's not to say that you have to turn into a pussy-whipped fool, but if your wife feels like you're dropping the ball, maybe there's truth in that. I don't know, because I don't have a family and I don't know your schedule...the structure of my life is totally different than yours, so I have no right to really judge how you spend your time. But all I'm gonna say is that AS a woman, I can kinda see it from both sides here. Not that your wife's behavior is justified...it's not, and that bothers me too...I resent the fact that as a woman, people will assume that I might behave that way. But besides the "nagging wife" cliche, we also have the "negligent husband" cliche to consider. I'm not saying you are. I'm just saying that maybe it would be worth striking a better balance in your life by agreeing to spend more structured time with your family. If you're already doing that, and she's just flying off the handle for no reason, then that's a different story and one that merits counseling, like others have suggested.
Being in a band is a relationship that people who aren't in bands, will never really "get." And that happens whether you're male or female, married or single. It's f*cking hard to get priorities straight. Something will always come up and get in the way, whether it's parents, jobs, friendships, you name it. Most of the world will never understand what it really means to dedicate your life to music, and especially when you're aren't making money as a musician, people tend to view it as as glorified "hobby" which is therefore, in their eyes, insignificant.
So you really have to learn how to level with other people in a way that won't make them feel alienated or jealous. I myself am having a hell of a time figuring this out, too. But I think it might help to just write out a list of priorities and establish some sort of structure and routine to your life, fitting the band in appropriately. Obviously you should include your wife in this, because she's the one who's having a hard time with the way you spend your time right now. I think you might find that if you write it all down and lay it out on paper, you'll get a better sense of what can be done differently, and it'll also help your wife to be a bit more rational about things.
It also sucks that the whole "nagging wife" thing has become such a huge cliche among bands. I understand that there is truth in stereotypes, but it's not fun to be a woman among a boys' club and then read about how "most women" are drama queens, or controlling, or whatever. I don't like to think that the only reason I get hired for any job is because of my looks and not because of my skills...it just kinda makes me feel cheap.
The bottom line with your situation is that you have a family and therefore, an obligation. I'm not trying to sound like a dick, but having kids makes it even more critical that you devote time to them and do the right thing...that's not to say that you have to turn into a pussy-whipped fool, but if your wife feels like you're dropping the ball, maybe there's truth in that. I don't know, because I don't have a family and I don't know your schedule...the structure of my life is totally different than yours, so I have no right to really judge how you spend your time. But all I'm gonna say is that AS a woman, I can kinda see it from both sides here. Not that your wife's behavior is justified...it's not, and that bothers me too...I resent the fact that as a woman, people will assume that I might behave that way. But besides the "nagging wife" cliche, we also have the "negligent husband" cliche to consider. I'm not saying you are. I'm just saying that maybe it would be worth striking a better balance in your life by agreeing to spend more structured time with your family. If you're already doing that, and she's just flying off the handle for no reason, then that's a different story and one that merits counseling, like others have suggested.
Being in a band is a relationship that people who aren't in bands, will never really "get." And that happens whether you're male or female, married or single. It's f*cking hard to get priorities straight. Something will always come up and get in the way, whether it's parents, jobs, friendships, you name it. Most of the world will never understand what it really means to dedicate your life to music, and especially when you're aren't making money as a musician, people tend to view it as as glorified "hobby" which is therefore, in their eyes, insignificant.
So you really have to learn how to level with other people in a way that won't make them feel alienated or jealous. I myself am having a hell of a time figuring this out, too. But I think it might help to just write out a list of priorities and establish some sort of structure and routine to your life, fitting the band in appropriately. Obviously you should include your wife in this, because she's the one who's having a hard time with the way you spend your time right now. I think you might find that if you write it all down and lay it out on paper, you'll get a better sense of what can be done differently, and it'll also help your wife to be a bit more rational about things.
Is this thread still going? I worked out the band stuff with my wife almost a month ago... Things have been great since we talked, and the band is even starting to look for gigs now. We are still trying to find someone to talk to about relationship stuff, because we don't always see eye to eye, but the band hasn't been an issue recently. Thanks for all of the advise!
