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Well... I guess I'm calling it quits.

#141
I actually had a talk along these lines with my wife a few days ago after having to spend about 30 minutes getting from the usual "what's wrong" "nothing" to getting the truth out that she felt I put my friends (who I go jamming with) before her and our son.

The thing is that I work on average 18 hour days being a mad IT geek, and pretty much all my effort is going into a big project that if it works out, will mean we (as a family) are pretty much set for the next 20 years. She doesn't really notice this since I work from home, so I'm around and I do some bits around the house, entertain my son (at the moment mostly just making funny faces at him since he gets a kick out of it), and so on and so forth, but when she and son go sleep, I'm still working.

She basically didn't know - she thought I was just spending all night playing bass and goofing off, since usually in the morning before I sleep is when I put in some practice, so she often wakes up to see me sitting in my office jamming it up a little.

So that got talked out, and then the next thing came up: "it's not fair that you can go do stuff and i can't"; and that's what was at the root of the whole situation in the first place. A 5 month old son that's being breastfed pretty much means that if she wants to go do something, he's going to have to come along for the ride; unfortunately my wife suffers from not having a hobby of her own, which is sort of fueling that "you can and i can't" fire. That's being worked on, though.

I did tell her that I didn't know she felt that way, so I asked her if instead of me going out to meet my friends to jam if it was okay if they came to the house instead; funny fact: we're both sitting there going "oh, huh, that's actually a really good idea". Nobody thought of it before. In the end we agreed that sure I could go, but if I do go, take her along and drop her off at her brothers house so she can hang out with friends there, and take her for dinner after I'm done jamming/practicing.

Long story short: find a compromise that you can both live with; after all, marriage is all about compromising to both enjoy your life together.
 
#142
jive1 said:
The impermance of family, IMO is a very Western thing. I come from a culture where family ties are viewed as permanent, and much of your identity comes from your family ties. Family isn't just about feeling good, or a place where you voluntarily stay as long as it feels good to you. Family is a place of love, but it's also a place of duty. Duty is what gets you by when you're out of love. And luckily, sometimes duty will get you by until you have the love again.
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I get what your saying, but think you take it too far.

Duty in a relationship is a western concept as well, though aspects of how it is acted out may vary.

jive1 said:
Some places have laws against using dogs like that. :D
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Oh dear.
 
#143
bassybill said:
People who think family ties are the most important things in their life might be overestimating their permanence.
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This particular line of thinking sounds like commitment issues.:ninja:
My family is the most important thing in my life. If I didn't think that way then it wouldn't have been worth it to get married and have children. I am totally committed to my family. Sometimes that means compromise and sometimes it means missing something I would have enjoyed....but it gives back way more then I would have gotten without my family.
That being said, my wife has never asked me to give up either my music or my hockey. She also has hobbies that I haven't asked her to give up. We just make sure our times with those hobbies do not affect our family in a negative way. That is the key I believe.
To the OP....definitely something up with your wife that she may need to get professional help for. Good luck. D
 
#147
I really agree with whocaresnotme and cheepbasslovin.

I am going through this NOW.

Four years ago, my wife approached me saying that we either needed to end the marriage or we needed to work on it. I agreed and arrainged for councelling. Her answer was, "You are messed up, you go to therapy." I knew we BOTH needed it, but I figured we both would be better if at least I went. So I went.

I learned a lot about myself and my issues, but also about hers as well. I've made major changes to myself, but also now realize I can't change her. That's something she has to do. Finally, she is beginning to see that I'm emotionally more stable but that she has remained the same troubled person. I can't tell you what's going to happen, but I'm committed to making my marriage work.

One thing I haven't seen too much is that not only does your wife need therapy or a codependency program, but you need it too. You were originally attracted to this woman. If you were to get divorced, there is a good chance you'd repeat this kind of relationship again.
 
#148
Bassmanbob said:
One thing I haven't seen too much is that not only does your wife need therapy or a codependency program, but you need it too. You were originally attracted to this woman. If you were to get divorced, there is a good chance you'd repeat this kind of relationship again.
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I failed to mention this, but it is very important. There were signs long before we got married what was to come, and I married her anyway. I am still not dead certain of the mechanisms in my noggin that led me to think it was a good decision to plug away in the relationship, but the realization that I made the choice to be with a self loathing semi abusive type - and that all the girls I was interested in before that were self loathing semi abusive types - was a big help in recognizing that I need stop taking the abusive behavior (and stop seeking it out) and stand up for myself.
 
#149
cheapbasslovin said:
Good luck.

All I can tell you is you are living my life about two years ago. It's not you buddy, it's her. If this sounds familiar, let me know:

When you tell her you've scheduled a practice, she says OK. No matter how many times you remind her that you have scheduled practice, she still says OK and plays it cool until about 30 minutes before you plan to leave, when she is reminded of - or invents - some emergency that she needs you to take care of right now. Melts down in a similar fashion you described in the OP. You become a bad father/ husband if you don't stop what you are doing and act on her impulse right there.

When you try to justify your personal stuff (music, golf, whatever), she accuses you of not being there as a father and a husband;
when you counter with specific examples, she sarcastically congratulates you for 'being a dad' or mocks how hard it was for you to do those things as a dad, either way minimizing your contributions to the family.

When you explain yourself, she grabs onto one word or sentence, twists your words around so they mean something you never said and clings to that twisted version of your words as that is the only thing you've said.

If you admit you can improve upon part of your personality, she reminds you of it constantly. If you feel good about yourself in your role as a husband/ father she reminds you of your 'flaw'.

She doesn't admit to personality flaws in herself, except as they relate to handling others' personality flaws (i.e. she lets you walk all over her. It is her flaw, while simultaneously being your flaw).

There is more, but they all are similar to the contradictions listed above.

If this all sounds familiar, you need to recognize that when you cross the threshold from logical conversation to the madness above, nothing you say will hold any weight or mean anything to her. This is why I say don't participate in those conversations. It doesn't matter if you're right if she never hears the words you say. Fighting insanity with logic is a tough battle and you'll lose unless you call out the insanity first and put it aside.

You also need to recognize that you are not THE problem, as she would have you believe. My first step was recognizing that I know I love my kids, my wife, and that I am supporting them to the best of my ability. As long as I continue to make that my first priority I don't need to listen to her try to tear me down. I carry that knowledge with me now no matter what. Do not let your wife shake that confidence, but you must continue to act in a way that makes the knowledge truth.

If you can get counseling that is great, but be prepared for her to notice how your counselor tells the both of you how the husband is always wrong. She may also note how you need the counseling and she has her junk together. Hopefully that wont happen, but that is what happened to me. I did get solo counseling, and it helped me to figure out myself as well as her. I do recommend counseling as a way to work through your issues, but not as a way to deal with hers (except to understand them better, for yourself). Only she can seek counseling for herself.

With a strong confidence in your abilities as a father and husband, it becomes much easier to stand up to your wife and just say no to ridiculous requests. Like I said, my sanity hasn't been this good in years.

Good luck.
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I agree with this.

My wife (at the time) said I needed counseling. So SHE set up a session with a family psych. and we brought all the kids along too. She said her piece and I said mine (rather sheepishly as I remember) and he questioned the kids. Then he had everybody leave but me and he questioned me. I am thinking I must really suck! Then he brings us all back in and he proceeds to tell HER that it is HER fault. She sat straight up in her chair and said that was insulting that the problem could NEVER be because of her. We left and she informed me that we would NEVER do that again.

The point: Co-dependency comes with a smattering of narcissism (at least in this case). I decided to tough it out until the kids grew up and then I would bail. I lost a lot of time that I regretted for a long time. The marriage crumbled and the divorce was ugly and heartbreaking. The kids still have emotional scars that have mostly fallen away with time and love
and my apology for letting her do this to us as a family. I should have been the "man" instead of the sheep following a bad leader.

I am a happy man now and I have no regrets. This is just life as it is. The experience made me a better human being. I wish my former wife luck and happiness wherever she might find it.
 
#150
PerlNinja said:
I actually had a talk along these lines with my wife a few days ago after having to spend about 30 minutes getting from the usual "what's wrong" "nothing" to getting the truth out that she felt I put my friends (who I go jamming with) before her and our son.

The thing is that I work on average 18 hour days being a mad IT geek, and pretty much all my effort is going into a big project that if it works out, will mean we (as a family) are pretty much set for the next 20 years. She doesn't really notice this since I work from home, so I'm around and I do some bits around the house, entertain my son (at the moment mostly just making funny faces at him since he gets a kick out of it), and so on and so forth, but when she and son go sleep, I'm still working.

She basically didn't know - she thought I was just spending all night playing bass and goofing off, since usually in the morning before I sleep is when I put in some practice, so she often wakes up to see me sitting in my office jamming it up a little.

So that got talked out, and then the next thing came up: "it's not fair that you can go do stuff and i can't"; and that's what was at the root of the whole situation in the first place. A 5 month old son that's being breastfed pretty much means that if she wants to go do something, he's going to have to come along for the ride; unfortunately my wife suffers from not having a hobby of her own, which is sort of fueling that "you can and i can't" fire. That's being worked on, though.

I did tell her that I didn't know she felt that way, so I asked her if instead of me going out to meet my friends to jam if it was okay if they came to the house instead; funny fact: we're both sitting there going "oh, huh, that's actually a really good idea". Nobody thought of it before. In the end we agreed that sure I could go, but if I do go, take her along and drop her off at her brothers house so she can hang out with friends there, and take her for dinner after I'm done jamming/practicing.

Long story short: find a compromise that you can both live with; after all, marriage is all about compromising to both enjoy your life together.
Click to expand...

Just got married a couple of weeks ago and, not that I needed one yet, this is a great reminder. Thumbs up.
 
#151
Sorry to hear about your situation. Get counseling, from your side of it she really needs it. Her need to control is frightening. I have been married 24 years everyone of them I have been in a band and always there for my wife and our daughter. You can have a good family life and play in a band. I encouraged my wife to follow her dreams, she now has a successful yoga studio. Me I'm still slogging through the clubs LOL. Best of luck.
 
#152
Quote:
Originally Posted by saustindavis View Post
I have tried many times to suggest she find a hobby, but she would rather lock herself in the bedroom and watch tv than get out of the house and do something.

Second quote "I would be worried about this. Sounds like possible depression issues."

I agree with this....usually a mother loves to get away for a bit.
 
#153
Well, I went practice last night (a darn good one, by the way), and we agreed that if something urgent comes up practice can be rescheduled because family comes first. Oh, and the wife spent the day with her mom shopping and stuff, so hopefully it will lead to her getting out more often (we also agreed that she should do it more often so she doesnt get so jealous of me hacing the band). I think we are on a path to a more healthy relationship, especially regarding hobbies. Thanks for all of the he guys and gals. You guys are awesome!
 
#156
saustindavis said:
My wife has never been crazy about me being in a band. She used to love the fact that I was a musician, and was even attracted to me back when we were dating BECAUSE I play guitar. Now that we are married and have two kids the idea of having practices and show makes her feel like she's not a priority to me.

I used to do a solo thing, which was great until our son turned about 1, and now she accuses me of caring more about my band than I do about our family. I swear she starts fights the second before I walk out the door just to piss me off so that I have a miserable practice or gig.

Tonight she wasn't feeling great because of a headache or something and is acting like I don't love her because "I went to practice and left her to take care of the kids when she was sick..." She got upset with me for not offering to stay home and cancel practice, then when I offered she told me that she didn't want me in the house. THEN I went to practice and she flipped out because I left. WHAT THE HELL!?!

So I'm practicing (only for about 10 mins...) and she's blowing up my phone, and when I answer she said she just threw up and I need to leave and come home. I was already mad about her basically telling me to leave and getting mad about it, so I said I would cut it short, we just needed to work out one more thing. Apparently that wasn't good enough. She called again (7 times to be exact...) and I finally answer and she flipped out. I decided to pack it up right then (after she texted my guitarist to have me call her), and I apologized profusely because I knew she would say that she didn't want me in the band. It didn't matter because she said it anyway.

I guess I am hanging up my bass for now...
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bummer . . . so what bass are u selling?
 
#158
saustindavis said:
I think we are on a path to a more healthy relationship, especially regarding hobbies. Thanks for all of the he guys and gals. You guys are awesome!
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I hope I'm wrong, but in my experience, this is just temporrary. The codependent cycle will continue to turn until it is broken by both parties.

As Whocaresnotme said, "Good luck brother!"
 
#160
Bassmanbob said:
I hope I'm wrong, but in my experience, this is just temporrary. The codependent cycle will continue to turn until it is broken by both parties.

As Whocaresnotme said, "Good luck brother!"
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+1. Good luck. I don't know how many times we were 'turning the corner'.

The behavior is predictable once you figure it out. When it comes out isn't always predictable, but what comes out usually is. I hope it doesn't resurface, but if it does try to figure out the way she pushes your buttons and make peace with those things. Then you wont follow her on her wild goose chase. That should help you keep a level head, it was so valuable to me.

I hope you don't have any more issues, though and best of luck to you.
 

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