Good luck.
All I can tell you is you are living my life about two years ago. It's not you buddy, it's her. If this sounds familiar, let me know:
When you tell her you've scheduled a practice, she says OK. No matter how many times you remind her that you have scheduled practice, she still says OK and plays it cool until about 30 minutes before you plan to leave, when she is reminded of - or invents - some emergency that she needs you to take care of right now. Melts down in a similar fashion you described in the OP. You become a bad father/ husband if you don't stop what you are doing and act on her impulse right there.
When you try to justify your personal stuff (music, golf, whatever), she accuses you of not being there as a father and a husband;
when you counter with specific examples, she sarcastically congratulates you for 'being a dad' or mocks how hard it was for you to do those things as a dad, either way minimizing your contributions to the family.
When you explain yourself, she grabs onto one word or sentence, twists your words around so they mean something you never said and clings to that twisted version of your words as that is the only thing you've said.
If you admit you can improve upon part of your personality, she reminds you of it constantly. If you feel good about yourself in your role as a husband/ father she reminds you of your 'flaw'.
She doesn't admit to personality flaws in herself, except as they relate to handling others' personality flaws (i.e. she lets you walk all over her. It is her flaw, while simultaneously being your flaw).
There is more, but they all are similar to the contradictions listed above.
If this all sounds familiar, you need to recognize that when you cross the threshold from logical conversation to the madness above, nothing you say will hold any weight or mean anything to her. This is why I say don't participate in those conversations. It doesn't matter if you're right if she never hears the words you say. Fighting insanity with logic is a tough battle and you'll lose unless you call out the insanity first and put it aside.
You also need to recognize that you are not THE problem, as she would have you believe. My first step was recognizing that I know I love my kids, my wife, and that I am supporting them to the best of my ability. As long as I continue to make that my first priority I don't need to listen to her try to tear me down. I carry that knowledge with me now no matter what. Do not let your wife shake that confidence, but you must continue to act in a way that makes the knowledge truth.
If you can get counseling that is great, but be prepared for her to notice how your counselor tells the both of you how the husband is always wrong. She may also note how you need the counseling and she has her junk together. Hopefully that wont happen, but that is what happened to me. I did get solo counseling, and it helped me to figure out myself as well as her. I do recommend counseling as a way to work through your issues, but not as a way to deal with hers (except to understand them better, for yourself). Only she can seek counseling for herself.
With a strong confidence in your abilities as a father and husband, it becomes much easier to stand up to your wife and just say no to ridiculous requests. Like I said, my sanity hasn't been this good in years.
Good luck.
) and all that crap, but I can give a bit of a viewpoint from somebody who experienced it as a kid.
