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What causes people to get divorced?

  • Thread starter Thread starter Deleted member 79588
  • Start date Start date
#21
Mark Latimour said:
I have seen people argue whether long periods of monogamy are actually not in line with our natural instincts.
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+1

Marriage seems a contrived idea from when people lived shorter lives and when ideology held priority over reality.

People change as their lives go on, typically in ways that does not contribute to the stability of their relationships.
 
#22
Armueller2001 said:
What do you think is the cause for a divorce?
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High expectations. Unrealistic expectations. Limited life experience. Limited problem solving skills. Narcissism. Immaturity. Anger/abuse. Paranoia/lack of trust. Being passive-aggressive and not being able to articulate your needs in a constructive manner. Physical issues (addiction, illness). Money/infidelity issues. Inability to compromise/change and apply new information in a constructive way. Evolving/not evolving at different rates/times.

Just to name a few.

Hey, it's basically the same reasons that bands break up.
 
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#23
Stumbo said:
High expectations. Unrealistic expectations. Limited life experience. Limited problem solving skills. Narcissism. Immaturity. Anger/abuse. Being passive-aggressive and not being able to articulate your needs in a constructive manner. Physical issues (addiction, illness). Money issues. Evolving/not evolving at different rates/times.

Just to name a few.

Hey, it's basically the same reasons that bands break up.
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Stumbo for the win!
 
#25
Armueller2001 said:
I always hear stories of people getting married 6 months after they met each other, and then they get divorced like 2 yrs later because they just didn't get along with each other... and then there's stories of people being married for 20 years and then filing papers. What do you think is the cause for a divorce?
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For those who've been together for ages, I think the main reason no matter what shape it shows up in, is that they grow apart in some kind of way.

You are not the same lad today as 20 years ago, neither will you, our your spouse be in 20 years from now, it may sound like a cliché here, but I believe strongly that the key to stay together is communication and to always make sure both of you "care" for the relation.

I live together with the most wonderful woman in the world and we have been together for 4-5 years and been living together most of that time. Even if life get's tough sometimes and you are tired both working a lot etc. I think it's important to not forget to keep doing things together in your every day life every now and then, like going out for dinner, or maybe just a few drinks, or whatever now may be your thing, even in the weeks and most important even when it feels like it's the worst idea in the world due to work/lack of time/kids or whatever, that's when you need it the most ... Nurse the relation and what is just yours together and does not include the rest of your life/work etc. and with that, care for your spouse and for your relation...

Just my $0.02 ..

D.Don
 
#26
There is only one reason for Divorce, just as there is only one reason for 99% of the rest of the problems in society. Selfishness. When one spouse or the other - or both - begins to put their quest for "happiness" above the other spouse's needs, divorce happens. It may be sexual infidelity. It may be abuse or addiction. It may be any number of things. But, really it boils down to selfishness. I want, I need, I, I, I. If you're married, there is no I. It's We, or us, or even going out your way to make sure they are fulfilled. If each spouse does that for the other then you have a good marriage and no divorce.
 
#27
KsToaDangr said:
.... I found out that she was leaving our (1 & a half at the time) son alone in the apartment at night while I was working to go over to a neighbor's place and drink and smoke weed. The same day that I found that out, she admitted to me that she "doesn't feel like he's my son", and that she had hit him because he wouldn't stop crying on more than one occasion.
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Since it was about 7 years since you knew her before your child was born, was there anything to suggest that she was having problems coping with life?

With your child, she may have been going through Post-partum depression, especially with the drinking/pot (self-medication) involved.

How is she doing now? If she doing okay, then the depression may have lifted.
 
#28
bradjonesbass said:
....just as there is only one reason for 99% of the rest of the problems in society. Selfishness.
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Hey, we live in a greed based society (I'm sorry, a capitalistic representative democracy), so selfishness is how you get ahead. You're born selfish (to survive) and then taught (brainwashed) to put your needs first (biology/pschology) to get more money/stuff.

IMO, there's no way that will translate into being "unselfish" in your marriage. Selfishness is considered the norm in our society and all it's attendant problems will continue forever.
 
#30
Stumbo said:
High expectations. Unrealistic expectations. Limited life experience. Limited problem solving skills. Narcissism. Immaturity. Anger/abuse. Paranoia/lack of trust. Being passive-aggressive and not being able to articulate your needs in a constructive manner. Physical issues (addiction, illness). Money/infidelity issues. Inability to compromise/change and apply new information in a constructive way. Evolving/not evolving at different rates/times.

Just to name a few.

Hey, it's basically the same reasons that bands break up.
Click to expand...

Pretty much sums it up.
 
#31
Atoz said:
I don't know who originally said this, but I've seen this happen more than a few times:

"She wants to change him and he doesn't.

He doesn't want her to change and she does."
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Then there's the ol'-
She: "He changed & he's no longer the man I married".
He: "Well, Hell...you spent the last 20 years changing me"!

At a party last week, I ran into an ex-band mate...he & his wife are now 50 & have been together since they were both 16.
Regarding "change", she said-
"Of course, he has changed...I wouldn't want him NOW if he was still acting like he did 20 years ago. Change is good...but both need to change together".

I thought it was well said
 
#32
bradjonesbass said:
There is only one reason for Divorce, just as there is only one reason for 99% of the rest of the problems in society. Selfishness. When one spouse or the other - or both - begins to put their quest for "happiness" above the other spouse's needs, divorce happens. It may be sexual infidelity. It may be abuse or addiction. It may be any number of things. But, really it boils down to selfishness. I want, I need, I, I, I. If you're married, there is no I. It's We, or us, or even going out your way to make sure they are fulfilled. If each spouse does that for the other then you have a good marriage and no divorce.
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You have a very simplistic, naieve, dare i say it.... "holier than thou" approach my friend.

Ever been married to someone who was mentally Ill?...or physically violent...or suffered from multiple personality disorders that made staying in a marriage impossible?

You don't live in the real world if you subscribe to such a narrow minded view. Sorry...thats just the way it is. I oughta know...I've lived through it
 
#34
Funk 'N' Stein said:
You have a very simplistic, naieve, dare i say it.... "holier than thou" approach my friend.

Ever been married to someone who was mentally Ill?...or physically violent...or suffered from multiple personality disorders that made staying in a marriage impossible?

You don't live in the real world if you subscribe to such a narrow minded view. Sorry...thats just the way it is. I oughta know...I've lived through it
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+1 and add that some people are simply con artists in relationships that can fool even the best of 'em. Yeah, it's easy to spot a player/slut, then you hear stories of someone who has lead a double life for years. Sometimes they're so sneaky, it's beyond ninja!
 
#37
Funk 'N' Stein said:
You have a very simplistic, naieve, dare i say it.... "holier than thou" approach my friend.

Ever been married to someone who was mentally Ill?...or physically violent...or suffered from multiple personality disorders that made staying in a marriage impossible?

You don't live in the real world if you subscribe to such a narrow minded view. Sorry...thats just the way it is. I oughta know...I've lived through it
Click to expand...

How is that narrow minded? One spouse - even if they are mentally ill - acts solely on their desires and doesn't bother to think about the other person. Addicts only care about their next fix. They don't care about the people they are hurting. We all have selfish tendencies. When unchecked they ruin every relationship we have. Marriage, bands, teams, etc... Act in your own interests at the expense of everyone else and those relationships go south. Besides, mental illness is a rare reason for divorce. It's typically arguments about money, one spouse cheating on the other or one spouse abusing the other or their children. I stand by what I said. The best marriages - and the best families, bands, sports teams, etc... - quit worrying about self and do what's best for the other people involved. When everyone in the relationship does that, everyone ends up fulfilled.
 
#38
bradjonesbass said:
The best marriages - and the best families, bands, sports teams, etc... - quit worrying about self and do what's best for the other people involved.
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How does one "know" what's best for other people?

Since none of the major operating structures in the U.S. (business, government, education, religion) operate like that, what is the genesis of your conclusion?

So anyone who does the opposite of what you stated is in the "worst families, worst bands, worst sports teams"? :hmm:

I can see where this thread is going. Best to shut it down now.
 
#39
ugh. the best companies treat their employees well and consider their needs for a home life to of utmost importance. The worst marriages are the MOST selfish. I know what my wife needs because I ask. She knows what I need because she asks. In practical terms, she needs me to be home and spend time with her and our daughter, but she knows I need a creative outlet. So she encourages me to pursue my musical interests and I limit those creative interests so I am home. I frequently as her if I'm playing too much and if I am, I cut back a bit. We don't have a ton of money, but she knows I like having decent equipment, so I use my gig money for equipment and don't spend money we don't have just so I always have the best stuff. I have pro level equipment, but it's all paid for out of gig money and not out of the family budget. I know she loves photography, so I bought her a high level digital camera - $1500 range - instead of ordering the new bass I really wanted, but didn't need the last time I had money saved up. She used money from a wedding she photographed to buy Logic Express for me about 3 months ago. We each sacrificed for the other and our marriage is stronger as a result.
 

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