Did it ever occur to you that there is a difference between cognitive selfishness i.e. I, I, Me Me..... whatever and selfishness manifested in people who simply cannot control that urge because they are unable to? I think there is a huge difference. You can't just pigeon hole everything into a neat little box...and say selfishness is the reason for divorce...because it often isn't. With the greatest of respect...your argument, while containing some valid points, sounds by and large, like over simplified fundamentalist dogma to me.
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Did it ever occur to you that there is a difference between cognitive selfishness i.e. I, I, Me Me..... whatever and selfishness manifested in people who simply cannot control that urge because they are unable to? I think there is a huge difference. You can't just pigeon hole everything into a neat little box...and say selfishness is the reason for divorce...because it often isn't. With the greatest of respect...your argument, while containing some valid points, sounds by and large, like over simplified fundamentalist dogma to me.
Brad..all that's pretty basic stuff my friend...
My point is that you can do all that and it may not make a lick of difference.I dont want to get into my own private experience...but suffice to say that the 'formula' does not always work. Anyway...enough said
Peace
Sounds like you have a good handle on things. Of course, there are always exceptions but I'm betting if you live your life putting others first your going to have a good life. And those that would argue that, let them believe what they choose. It's no skin off your nose
it's all good.
It's an over simplification of course, but selfishness is the root cause of all the other behaviors that lead to divorce.
It's an over simplification of course, but selfishness is the root cause of all the other behaviors that lead to divorce.
Infidelity and/or an unwillingness to work through the tough times. Everything else can be worked through, in my experience.
Never marry your test wife and you'll be just fine
While I agree with the sentiment of this statement, she can't really be a test-wife unless you marry her.
As others have noted, there are a myriad of different reasons why people get divorced. My parents were married for nearly 30 years, and somewhere along the line they found that their interests were going down different paths and they called it quits.
Length of time with someone before getting married is not always the answer. My test-wife and I lived together for 7 years and were married for another 6. The way the marriage ended can be summed up in this little country song...
My ex wife married
my ex friend
They're in my ex house
with my ex dog
All I got was a gee-tar
and my truck
What really killed our marriage was our inability to effectively communicate about our feelings...and that she was a lying whore.
Here is a topic I have an opinion on... lol
In my case what happened was I worked too much, we began to drift apart, and the one thing that could have kept it all together was neglected... communication.
If you communicate regularly and honestly with your spouse, you can avoid this emotional drift that leads to boredom, unhappiness, even infidelity, etc...
Its not enough by itself, but its a critical first step... Follow this with regular projects, do new things together, learn and grow together.
But communication is the key.
Bob Lee (QSC)
In case you missed it, I work for QSC Audio!
- Jul 3, 2001
- 12,668
- 2,036
- 67
- Disclosures
- Former Technical Communications Developer, QSC Audio
Bob Lee (QSC)
In case you missed it, I work for QSC Audio!
- Jul 3, 2001
- 12,668
- 2,036
- 67
- Disclosures
- Former Technical Communications Developer, QSC Audio
I think that's the root of it.
Selfishness in a marriage manifests itself in many ways. It's often a self-centered quest for happiness, but it might also be laziness, irrational fears, unreliability, passive-aggressiveness, taking the other spouse for granted, etc. The spouse(s) being selfish is/are not necessarily happy or pursuing happiness. It only takes one spouse of the two to spoil the marriage.
The problem is that the word "selfish" carries huge negative connotations.
If you are truly unhappy in your marriage and your spouse refused to make changes that would make you happy why on earth would you stay? Why should someone go through life unhappy?
If your wife refused you your creative outlet what would you do?
On infidelity. I tend to think it's more a symptom than a cause. That is there probably was something seriously broken long before the affair(s) started.
Bob Lee (QSC)
In case you missed it, I work for QSC Audio!
- Jul 3, 2001
- 12,668
- 2,036
- 67
- Disclosures
- Former Technical Communications Developer, QSC Audio
I don't think it's any kind of fundamentalist dogma, oversimplified or not. It's common sense.
AH, now I see what the problem is with what I said. I didn't necessarily mean divorcing the other person is selfish - quite the opposite. I meant that selfishness led the marriage towards divorce. Her refusing me a creative outlet would be selfish on her part. Me pursuing it at all costs and never being home would be selfish on mine. And we'd probably end up in divorce court. I also bet that wouldn't be the only area where our selfishness got in the way of the marriage. Compromise, communication and considering how your decision impacts the other person are the keys to maintaining a healthy marriage.
Since I am not divorced I can't really speak from a first-hand accounting on the OP's question. But I can speak on the topic of what I think keeps our marriage vital.
In our situation, we both come from very similar backgrounds. Both of our parents stayed married. Mine are still with us and just celebrated their 50th, hers were on track for hitting the 50 year mark too had they survived. Both of us had similar mom and dad role models - both our fathers worked and were the primary bread-winners - both our moms were stay-at-home.
So both of our concepts about what marriage is and what life as married people in general is was formed by very similar examples. I can't help but think this plays a strong role in making our idea of marriage what it is.
Our sense of commitment is also very much same and more than likely was also significantly influenced by the examples our parents set. For that matter, the examples of our friends parents too. We both came from communities where divorce was a very rare thing and the norm was committed, life long relationships.
She was raised Catholic, I was not raised in any particular faith. Her parents attended church regularly, mine left their churches when they hit majority and never went back. She still attends church - I still do not - so I can't say any faith or religion-based answer lies in our marriage's strength. Maybe for her religion plays a role, but it certainly not for me. And in my experience, I've seen many more couples who were members of a church get divorced than I have couples who were not.
When we chose to get married we both understood that it meant forever - not "We'll give it a shot and if it doesn't work out the way we expect we can always get divorced" - which I can't help but feel is a common attitude about marriage with many people these days.
We just celebrated our 9th and we've both changed a lot since our dating days (two kids, a mortgage career highs and lows, etc...), but one thing that has not changed one iota - our commitment to each other and our family. We've been through a lot together - lean times, deaths, sex-droughts, you name it - but the idea that we might have to split up has never even been a blip on the radar for us.
Of course, now that I've said all that I fully expect to come home and have papers waiting for me on the kitchen table... LOL - Seriously - I think if you start off with the idea that divorce is just not even an option, it forces you to figure out how to work through the things that are causing tension in your relationship. And having the lock-step similar example that our parents set for us sure doesn't hurt.
But I also understand that some people just should not be married to each other in spite of the best of intentions and sense of commitment. I just can't personally relate to that situation. (Knock wood)
In our situation, we both come from very similar backgrounds. Both of our parents stayed married. Mine are still with us and just celebrated their 50th, hers were on track for hitting the 50 year mark too had they survived. Both of us had similar mom and dad role models - both our fathers worked and were the primary bread-winners - both our moms were stay-at-home.
So both of our concepts about what marriage is and what life as married people in general is was formed by very similar examples. I can't help but think this plays a strong role in making our idea of marriage what it is.
Our sense of commitment is also very much same and more than likely was also significantly influenced by the examples our parents set. For that matter, the examples of our friends parents too. We both came from communities where divorce was a very rare thing and the norm was committed, life long relationships.
She was raised Catholic, I was not raised in any particular faith. Her parents attended church regularly, mine left their churches when they hit majority and never went back. She still attends church - I still do not - so I can't say any faith or religion-based answer lies in our marriage's strength. Maybe for her religion plays a role, but it certainly not for me. And in my experience, I've seen many more couples who were members of a church get divorced than I have couples who were not.
When we chose to get married we both understood that it meant forever - not "We'll give it a shot and if it doesn't work out the way we expect we can always get divorced" - which I can't help but feel is a common attitude about marriage with many people these days.
We just celebrated our 9th and we've both changed a lot since our dating days (two kids, a mortgage career highs and lows, etc...), but one thing that has not changed one iota - our commitment to each other and our family. We've been through a lot together - lean times, deaths, sex-droughts, you name it - but the idea that we might have to split up has never even been a blip on the radar for us.
Of course, now that I've said all that I fully expect to come home and have papers waiting for me on the kitchen table... LOL - Seriously - I think if you start off with the idea that divorce is just not even an option, it forces you to figure out how to work through the things that are causing tension in your relationship. And having the lock-step similar example that our parents set for us sure doesn't hurt.
But I also understand that some people just should not be married to each other in spite of the best of intentions and sense of commitment. I just can't personally relate to that situation. (Knock wood)
