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When spouses attack

#61
Glad to hear Day Two is progressing nicely Tim! My girlfriend, and I think most people in general not just women, is prone to having these moments of pure insanity. My girlfriend just freaked out on me today and started pointing out some of my, admittedly many and glaring :) , faults. Me, being the ripe old and very wise age of 24, deduced she was both A. PMSing, sorry ladies, and B. was pissed off because she couldn't get something to print so I was forced to bear the brunt of her frustration. I'm no saint though, I've done the same to her so it's a 2 way street, we all have our days. Once we both calmed down we usually felt stupid for fighting with each other like that, hopefully you and your wife will feel the same, have some nice makeup fun and go back to being (reasonably) happily married. Go get em tiger!
 
#62
Ralphdaddy said:
Glad to hear Day Two is progressing nicely Tim! My girlfriend, and I think most people in general not just women, is prone to having these moments of pure insanity. My girlfriend just freaked out on me today and started pointing out some of my, admittedly many and glaring :) , faults. Me, being the ripe old and very wise age of 24, deduced she was both A. PMSing, sorry ladies, and B. was pissed off because she couldn't get something to print so I was forced to bear the brunt of her frustration. I'm no saint though, I've done the same to her so it's a 2 way street, we all have our days. Once we both calmed down we usually felt stupid for fighting with each other like that, hopefully you and your wife will feel the same, have some nice makeup fun and go back to being (reasonably) happily married. Go get em tiger!
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Heh, sounds like our wives are one in the same. Same deal here.....she will exploded into everything I do/do not do right. She has a point, but we've been together about 5 years, and I'm not doing a damn thing different now than I have from the get go. It's not a problem about 350 days of the year. the other 15......look out.
 
#63
Ahhh the wonderful world of hormones, aren't they truly a gift? I will say this, I'm a lucky man. My girlfriend loves me to death and supports my music, even if she thinks I have too much gear and continue to buy too much gear so long as I use it I hear no complaints. I usually don't have to worry about her too much, she's usually very calm, very sweet and VERY low maintenance which for me is great because I'm one of those guys who can't tolerate and would actively piss off a high maintenance woman just because I don't like their attitude. But like you said, 350 days a year no worries, but those other 15 are a nightmare where I just want to leave and/or kick her out until she gets herself under control. And I'm sure she wants to kick me out 350 days a year but those other 15 I'm a "keeper" until I open my mouth again :rolleyes:

At least we always have our sense of humor, they can't take that away right? Right?

I forgot to add that when I figured she was just being a B---- today I said "Are you sure you're not pissed off that the printer won't work and you're just taking it out on me?" and her only response was "Maybe, but it still bothers me Nick!" There's no way to win even when you've got them nailed to the wall and they know they were in the wrong, they just can't admit it :)
 
#64
Tim Cole said:
I've had a nice 30 gallon fish tank for over 3 years now (over 2 years before I got married), with several fish, including two pretty nice catfish I have had for the whole time I had the tank. I had over $200 in this, but it's the whole point of it more than the money issue. I've been really busy with work, sleep, and some studying, and just noticed......where the hell is my aquarium?
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It could be worse. I looked over to where my aquarium should be last night and saw flames and smoke. :eek:

She possibly saved your life. :hmm:
 
#66
OK, I type this "semi" drunk after coming home from a great gig.

She disrespected you. Either you fight about it and endure MORE consequences on your end, or you take out your frustrations thru rough sex. Really let her have it. It will make you feel better (does me), won't get your tank back, but you'll make your point, and feel better in the morning. Not to mention, after 13 years of marriage, I know that she'll respect you a bit more if you take charge in a fashion that she'll enjoy.

. . . and don't tell my wife I said this . . .
 
#67
Boys, boys, boys, boys, boys.... :rolleyes:

1. Yes, she was very wrong to throw out your fish tank

2. You crossed a big boundary in your relationship posting her sins on the Internet- many marriage counsellors suggest to never openly disrespect your spouse - ever heard of divide and conquer? Talking honestly is great but you could have chosen a more constructive vehicle or calmed down before logging on

3. I have been in the bad job to support a relationship, it almost tore me apart, you have to realise you CHOSE to get a job and marry her, take responsibility for your actions

4.Blaming it all on PMT is childish and undervalues both your status as fully feeling and intellectual humans, so grow up

I invite you to have a think about the amount of space in your home you have for yourself. My husband is a messy tech head, I shut the door on his study and the mess disappears, maybe you need your OWN physical space from each other where you can play bass and enjoy your fish and she can chill out.
 
#68
Dr Teeth said:
Boys, boys, boys, boys, boys.... :rolleyes:

1. Yes, she was very wrong to throw out your fish tank

2. You crossed a big boundary in your relationship posting her sins on the Internet- many marriage counsellors suggest to never openly disrespect your spouse - ever heard of divide and conquer? Talking honestly is great but you could have chosen a more constructive vehicle or calmed down before logging on

3. I have been in the bad job to support a relationship, it almost tore me apart, you have to realise you CHOSE to get a job and marry her, take responsibility for your actions

4.Blaming it all on PMT is childish and undervalues both your status as fully feeling and intellectual humans, so grow up

I invite you to have a think about the amount of space in your home you have for yourself. My husband is a messy tech head, I shut the door on his study and the mess disappears, maybe you need your OWN physical space from each other where you can play bass and enjoy your fish and she can chill out.
Click to expand...


Wow, I'm good. It only took me about 3 sentences to realize this was a post from a woman.
 
#69
Dr Teeth said:
Boys, boys, boys, boys, boys.... :rolleyes:

1. Yes, she was very wrong to throw out your fish tank

2. You crossed a big boundary in your relationship posting her sins on the Internet- many marriage counsellors suggest to never openly disrespect your spouse - ever heard of divide and conquer? Talking honestly is great but you could have chosen a more constructive vehicle or calmed down before logging on
Click to expand...

Thanks for knowing my own personal situation so well..... :rolleyes: yourself, "girl". I consider everyone here my friends, and needed to vent. No one here knows my wife, and most everyone here knows me.



3. I have been in the bad job to support a relationship, it almost tore me apart, you have to realise you CHOSE to get a job and marry her, take responsibility for your actions
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Again, thanks for knowing my situation so well before piping in. I hate my job that I got myself, and am trying to better it. How is that not taking responsibility? Wait, I am sure you know more than I do, and will be voicing that soon too.

4.Blaming it all on PMT is childish and undervalues both your status as fully feeling and intellectual humans, so grow up
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Let me guess, birds don't really exist either? Ignoring the fact undermines "your" status as intellectual, and questions "your" accountability as humans too. What was your point about taking responsibility?

I invite you to have a think about the amount of space in your home you have for yourself. My husband is a messy tech head, I shut the door on his study and the mess disappears, maybe you need your OWN physical space from each other where you can play bass and enjoy your fish and she can chill out.
Click to expand...

I have ONE extra room in the house where I have my computer, bass junk, and everything else I own...the rest of the house is pretty much her space, including a likewise extra room of her own. Had I been given the opportunity to move MY fish to "my room", I would have been glad to do so. It was not discussed, or even mentioned to me.

Keep them coming, I'm here all week. Try the veal.

cheezewiz said:
Wow, I'm good. It only took me about 3 sentences to realize this was a post from a woman.
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Took that long?
 
#76
Hey Tim, seriously...

I did dig the boot in a bit, sorry. Not good to kick a man when he's down. I have an issue with the way people are classed by gender instead of personal qualities, and some of the replies to your situation struck a nerve with me.

I do relate strongly to your issues with your life job and marriage and I'm sorry if I came off preachy trying to give my perspective as someone who's been there.

I've lost people close to me and I'm sensitive about leaving relationships in anger.

Take care.
 
#78
Hey Tim, I hear ya.

Since I really don’t know a lot about your situation, I will try to avoid over analyzing. But I have had similar experiences in the recent past.

1) My wife repeatedly criticized my renewed interests in music as being childish for a man in his 40’s
2) On several occasions, she threatened to destroy my gear
3) Once, when I was on a business trip, she packed up my basses and called me from a local music store to inform me that she was selling them. She backed down when the guy offered her only a pittance for them.
4) She called the guitarist in my band to tell him that I would NOT be playing in any clubs.

. The bottom line is these situations in usually about low self-esteem. The partner with low self-esteem is in a constant state of angst. She (he) feels the need to frequently show that they are in charge by dominating their partner to mask feelings of inadequacy. This is accomplished by dumping a prized fishtank, destroying or selling gear, or simply threatening to do such things.


Yes, I am still married. I play in a band. I have lots of gear. Here is what it took:

1) Constant reassurance. I had to repeatedly reassure her that my music was not a way for me to leave the relationship. I showered her with attention and affection
2) Be prepared and serious about leaving if she does not stop the offending behavior. Don’t bluff repeatedly. I had my stuff packed and was out the door before she made a teary promise to leave me alone. For the past 6 months, no issues. I watch my back, and am always prepared to leave if necessary. If I get the slightest whiff of bad behavior, a reminder is necessary. One important fact, we have 3 kids, so there is a lot a stake here.

Try to talk about it. Be firm. Let her know how hurt you are.

Good luck
 
#79
Marley's Ghost said:
Hey Tim, I hear ya.

Since I really don’t know a lot about your situation, I will try to avoid over analyzing. But I have had similar experiences in the recent past.

1) My wife repeatedly criticized my renewed interests in music as being childish for a man in his 40’s
2) On several occasions, she threatened to destroy my gear
3) Once, when I was on a business trip, she packed up my basses and called me from a local music store to inform me that she was selling them. She backed down when the guy offered her only a pittance for them.
4) She called the guitarist in my band to tell him that I would NOT be playing in any clubs.

. The bottom line is these situations in usually about low self-esteem. The partner with low self-esteem is in a constant state of angst. She (he) feels the need to frequently show that they are in charge by dominating their partner to mask feelings of inadequacy. This is accomplished by dumping a prized fishtank, destroying or selling gear, or simply threatening to do such things.


Yes, I am still married. I play in a band. I have lots of gear. Here is what it took:

1) Constant reassurance. I had to repeatedly reassure her that my music was not a way for me to leave the relationship. I showered her with attention and affection
2) Be prepared and serious about leaving if she does not stop the offending behavior. Don’t bluff repeatedly. I had my stuff packed and was out the door before she made a teary promise to leave me alone. For the past 6 months, no issues. I watch my back, and am always prepared to leave if necessary. If I get the slightest whiff of bad behavior, a reminder is necessary. One important fact, we have 3 kids, so there is a lot a stake here.

Try to talk about it. Be firm. Let her know how hurt you are.

Good luck
Click to expand...

Wow, you've endured a LOT more than I would even consider dealing with. If my wife even considered the music crap yours did to you, I'd be in divorce court without as much as a second though.

I', all about give and take relationships, until it is one persone constantly giving crap, and the other one taking it.
 
#80
Music is #1 for me. Family is second, and then what-have-you -- school/friends and romantic interest all wheeling around in the next three for my priorities. Furthermore, I ask for three things in a relationship -- trust me, don't lie to me, and don't mess around on me. I won't question someone until I have reason to. Do note that "mess around" can be anything from cheating to playing mind games or something similar to Marley's case or the one of the dude who's girl won't let him have any other females on his phone.

Marley -- I've gotta give you credit dude, I probably would've left her without a second look back. The only thing that would've caused any hesitation was the kids factor, but that won't happen to me. I say that because by the time I'll have kids, I will have been playing for more than 16 years (give or take) and any "anti-bass" sentiment from the wife would show up before I had any rugrats to worry about. The only thing that could ever bump music from being #1 in my life would be having children...but that's a long, long time from now. Futhermore, I've gotta give you even more credit for taking up music so late in life. Takes a lot of courage, dude, good on you.

Tim -- before you mentioned the part about it being good 350 days a year, I'd have said run the hell away ASAP. Now, I'm just gonna suggest counselling. Yeah, she may just have her moods (and believe me, everyone does -- I had one on Saturday) but as you say there has been a history of mental illness, so this might persist in a more aggressive way given time without treatment. Listen to Thor, he's a wise dude. Good luck, and good call on the CDL.
 

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