Why do we prevaricate?

[Gorn]

I don't perpetually engage in mendacity, yet when I am inclined to obfuscate veridicity, I refrain from divulging the genuine verisimilitude.

 

[slobake]

One of my best friends sometimes tells amazing anecdotes about stuff that happened to him. And I know they're true, because often they happened to me while he was there to witness it; or it'll be something someone told him a week earlier ( and I was there to hear it). Needless to say, I take anything he tells me with a grain of salt. But I don't think he's even aware of doing it.

As for telling it like it is, all for it. Unless it makes you a Richard Cranium and downright insults people. I could tell someone their new haircut is ugly. Or I could shut up and not comment. I don't consider the latter being a lie. Not sure what I'd do if asked for my opinion, though

I like it. Mrs. slo and I are opposites. I tend to wimp out and not speak up when I should. Mrs. slo can come out with all guns blazing. Over the last 42 years we have both grown in opposite directions. I have learned to speak up more offend but do it in a diplomatic way. At first though I went a little over board and was too blunt but like a river rock the years have smoothed down the my sharp edges. Mrs. still speaks up but has learned to be more gentle.
Mostly, we have learned these things in our relationship with each other.

 

[slobake]

I don't perpetually engage in mendacity, yet when I am inclined to obfuscate veridicity, I refrain from divulging the genuine verisimilitude.

Huh?

 

[Michedelic]

 

[gln1955]

I don't perpetually engage in mendacity, yet when I am inclined to obfuscate veridicity, I refrain from divulging the genuine verisimilitude.

That's easy for you to say.

 

[JazznFunk]

I see an interesting offshoot forming in this thread, regarding 'lying' vs being honest, or as it relates tangentially to having a filter (or not).

Growing up, I was not encouraged to have my own opinions or express my feelings. I also had low self confidence in myself on a number of levels. Music helped me grow out of that shell. Like most of us, especially if you deep down have differences in beliefs from your parents while you're still living at home, you have a choice to be open and direct about those opinions, or 'go along to get along', never quite feeling like you are able to truly be YOU. I wouldn't call 'holding back' an opinion as lying, but it's definitely a selective expression of your 'truth' for a basic reason - survival. I also lied to my parents on numerous occasions to stay out of trouble and maintain the peace.... and I didn't like it. But I was trying to protect myself because I didn't trust their reactions enough to be truthful. I was protecting myself through dishonesty. How we feel, and if we feel threatened, can often lead one to lie to protect themselves. Not a good policy, but a life lesson to consider.

As I've gotten older and have lived my own life for far longer than I lived at home, I have definitely stopped editing myself or 'people pleasing' to avoid conflict and have become more direct with people, including my parents. I've also learned that if there's an injustice or an unfair situation that you want to correct for yourself or someone else, honesty and directness are the only answers. The worst that can happen when you negotiate based on honesty is that the answer is 'no'.... which then informs your next move honestly.

The problem is that people often confuse directness with being standoff-ish, because most people in general aren't direct in their communication. There's often selective obfuscation, omission... or outright lying. I would rather tell the truth about how I feel and be direct than to lie, versus being taken advantage of or pushed over just to make other people happy. I also know that lying can and will catch up to you.... and the bigger the lie, the bigger the consequences. And those who lie continuously will be found out eventually.

 

[Bunk McNulty]

Highly recommended:
"Is it ever all right to lie? A philosopher looks at lying and deception in public and private life—in government, medicine, law, academia, journalism, in the family and between friends.

Lying is a penetrating and thoughtful examination of one of the most pervasive yet little discussed aspects of our public and private lives. Beginning with the moral questions raised about lying since antiquity, Sissela Bok takes up the justifications offered for all kinds of lies—white lies, lies to the sick and dying, lies of parents to children, lies to enemies, lies to protect clients and peers. The consequences of such lies are then explored through a number of concrete situations in which people are involved, either as liars or as the victims of a lie."

Lying: Moral Choice in Public and Private Life

 

[tothemax]

The names have been changed to protect the guilty... "anomonus"

 

[mambo4]

I didn't trust their reactions enough to be truthful.

That speaks to an important relationship between of honesty and trust.

If you don't trust the recipient to truly listen, and perceive a negative cost to speaking the truth, that incentivizes lying.

On the other hand if you develop relationships where even upsetting truths are handled with respect and grace, you develop trust and are more likely to choose honesty.

 

[hbarcat]

Children naturally figure out for themselves that if you lie, you can get out of trouble. It's the parents' job to discipline them to teach them that lying is wrong.

Adults lie because, for whatever reason, they failed to learn the no lying lessons as children.

 

[slobake]

Growing up, I was not encouraged to have my own opinions or express my feelings. I also had low self confidence in myself on a number of levels. Music helped me grow out of that shell. Like most of us, especially if you deep down have differences in beliefs from your parents while you're still living at home, you have a choice to be open and direct about those opinions, or 'go along to get along', never quite feeling like you are able to truly be YOU. I wouldn't call 'holding back' an opinion as lying, but it's definitely a selective expression of your 'truth' for a basic reason - survival. I also lied to my parents on numerous occasions to stay out of trouble and maintain the peace.... and I didn't like it. But I was trying to protect myself because I didn't trust their reactions enough to be truthful. I was protecting myself through dishonesty. How we feel, and if we feel threatened, can often lead one to lie to protect themselves. Not a good policy, but a life lesson to consider.

"What I this I found in your room?"
"I ahhh, that's ahhh catnip, yea that's it catnip"
"Catnip? We don't have a cat."
"Well ahhh, you never know when we might get one. Just trying to be prepared.?

 

[FilterFunk]

I certainly don't make a habit of lying, but I just as certainly have lied on occasion. I've been most likely to lie when I've been invited to some place or function that I just didn't want to attend, but I didn't want to insult someone or hurt someone's feelings. How people feel means something to me. I don't want to be one of those so-called brutally honest, no-filter tough guys who go around saying things that aren't necessary - and often downright cruel. Not only that, but the things they say are very often not true to begin with. What's worse is that even when it's been proven that what they said is untrue, they defiantly double down on it. I do not want to be that guy.

If someone invites me to something that I know is of great interest and importance to them, but I'm not the least bit interested in it, and actually think it's quite lame, I'll tell them I can't make it because I'm already booked for that time. I'm not going to tell them that I'm free, but I just don't like this thing that's so important to them. Now, if I'm invited to a concert, and I can't stand the band, I'll simply say "Thanks but no thanks. It's not my kind of music." I don't need to say, "No way! That band SUCKS!!!"

But I will not lie just to make myself look good, or to make someone else look bad. I also won't lie for personal gain. When I was a kid/teenager, I would lie on occasion to try to get myself out of trouble, but as I got older, I avoided doing the kinds of things that would get me in trouble in the first place.

 

[JazznFunk]

That speaks to an important relationship between of honesty and trust.

If you don't trust the recipient to truly listen, and perceive a negative cost to speaking the truth, that incentivizes lying.

On the other hand if you develop relationships where even upsetting truths are handled with respect and grace, you develop trust and are more likely to choose honesty.

Absolutely, 100% agreed. This holds true for all kinds of relationships - personal and professional. It's one of the things my wife and I value and discuss regularly, and it's to help us both overcome issues with trust and honesty and lack of respect for feelings (and boundaries) we both experienced growing up.

 

[JazznFunk]

I certainly don't make a habit of lying, but I just as certainly have lied on occasion. I've been most likely to lie when I've been invited to some place or function that I just didn't want to attend, but I didn't want to insult someone or hurt someone's feelings. How people feel means something to me. I don't want to be one of those so-called brutally honest, no-filter tough guys who go around saying things that aren't necessary - and often downright cruel. Not only that, but the things they say are very often not true to begin with. What's worse is that even when it's been proven that what they said is untrue, they defiantly double down on it. I do not want to be that guy.

Protecting yourself and enforcing boundaries isn't lying, but it's often framed as such by others who wish to control you and your actions, especially if it protects THEM and they gain something from it in some way. Not saying a concert invitation is on that level, but you get the jist.

You are free to not do something and are not obligated to provide a reason. If the other person gets offended, that's more on them than you. If you lie about being enthusiastic about it and go in an effort to 'go along to get along', you're being dishonest with yourself. Boundaries are tricky if you've never been encouraged to set them, or if you've always had people walk all over them. Happens a lot in the professional world too. i.e. no, I am not 'required' to attend your happy hour post-work drinking session after hours, especially if I don't drink.... and I'm not getting paid overtime for being there.

 

[FilterFunk]

Protecting yourself and enforcing boundaries isn't lying, but it's often framed as such by others who wish to control you and your actions, especially if it protects THEM and they gain something from it in some way. Not saying a concert invitation is on that level, but you get the jist.

You are free to not do something and are not obligated to provide a reason. If the other person gets offended, that's more on them than you. If you lie about being enthusiastic about it and go in an effort to 'go along to get along', you're being dishonest with yourself. Boundaries are tricky if you've never been encouraged to set them, or if you've always had people walk all over them. Happens a lot in the professional world too. i.e. no, I am not 'required' to attend your happy hour post-work drinking session after hours, especially if I don't drink.... and I'm not getting paid overtime for being there.

A lot of it depends on the person and the situation. As I said, if it's something that's clearly important to someone (and they most likely wouldn't ask me to show up if I weren't important to them), then I will be very careful about how I turn down their invitation.

 

[REV]

We lie when we perceive the truth as unacceptable.

 

[EdwardofHuncote]

Because a happy Jeannie is a wonderful thing, but a pissed-off one is... uhhh... it just ain't good. Especially for me.

 

[Topkat13]

I used to lie all the time. Now I only lie when it is absolutely necessary.

 

[Tim Skaggs]

Because there is not a single thruth: there are so many different truth as humans. So technically, i don't lie cause it's my truth.

If someone is running for an elected office of some kind, this is the attitude to have. In actuality, there is only a single truth based on the actual, factual information surrounding the topic. “Different truths” don’t exist, but if someone thinks there is an alternative truth to the one-and-only-truth, it’s probably because they have been lied to, or “shorted” of some of the factual information surrounding the topic

So, this allows the person telling the “alternative truth” (AKA, a lie) to believe they are telling the “one and only truth”, and allows their conscience to rest easy going forward.

 

[Discount Bassy]

I prefer obfuscation to confabulation.