You're not "ON TOUR" if............

[turf3]

If the only way to the women's restroom is over the corner of the bandstand between the bass player and the keyboard player.

"oops, excuse me....Comin' through... excuse me... excuse me...sorry, excuse me..."

 

[petrus61]

...if you can run home quick to grab the cable you forgot?

 

[Richland123]

If the bartender turns the jukebox, stereo, or radio on as soon as you start your break or finish for the night, you are on on tour.

 

[Hotblack]

If you have ever had to hide a pistol behind your speaker cabinet chances are you aren't "On Tour".

Depends. If it's your pistol that you'll use to ensure you get paid at the end of the night, you probably are on tour.

 

[mohrds]

If the only way to the women's restroom is over the corner of the bandstand between the bass player and the keyboard player.

"oops, excuse me....Comin' through... excuse me... excuse me...sorry, excuse me..."

I've played that Gig and I was not on a tour

 

[Ayce]

If your bass player is also your sound man, you're not on tour.

Hey! I resemble that remark!

The closest thing I came to being "on tour" was doing a gig in Saint-Jacques NB, because the drummer wanted to go to Mont Farlagne to go skiing between shows (two nighter). We were based in Saint John, and Saint-Jacques is up in Northern NB.

 

[Space Pickle]

how dare you contest the legitimacy of my pizza bowling rock and roll world tour

 

[MrLenny1]

I've played that Gig and I was not on a tour

I play 2 venues like that. One is the acces to the Womens bathroom, the other
is the waitress access to the kitchen. I do not take those gigs any more.

 

[JRA]

fun(ny)!

 

[Ayce]

My question would be: What's the difference between "on tour" and "the local circuit"?

 

[Hahaha]

I realize this is supposed to be humorous, but the fact is if someone is traveling from town to town to play, they are in fact on tour. It may be a lame tour, but it's a tour nonetheless.

It seems that the terminology has changed. Back in previous decades that was called "going on the road". We never called it touring. People who spent a significant amount of time on the road were called road rats. It wasn't derogatory, it was humorous. Also, we never referred to a bar or restaurant performance as a "show". It was a gig.

The distinction I make is: if you're playing a venue where people come to listen to the band in a theater, or other concert/performance venue, that's a show. If you're playing a venue where people come to dance, drink, and more or less ignore the band, you're playing a gig.

Likewise, if you leave town and perform concert venues where people come to listen to your band, that's a tour, if your filling your schedule with bars and restaurants that hire you to provide dance music in other towns and cities, you're on the road. There isn't a lot of that work left anymore.

That's simply the distinction that I make.

 

[bluesfordan]

If you spend ALOT of time on TB you arn't on tour (right now...).

er ... what's TB?

*edit* Oh, for shag's sakes, I'm so dense. Duhhhhh TalkBass.

I'll show myself out

 

[mohrds]

er ... what's TB?

*edit* Oh, for shag's sakes, I'm so dense. Duhhhhh TalkBass.

I'll show myself out

No worries. It took me years to figure out what all these NBD threads were. I finally just read one and figured it out.

 

[bearhart74]

I'd like to add..
If you have to sell your own tickets your not on tour.
If you have to pay to play your not on tour.
And finally...
If you have to play backing music for strippers your not on tour.

 

[Richland123]

If you have to play "dinner music" while patrons or guests eat, you are not on tour.

 

[godofthunder59]

If you lug your own gear from your bedroom/rehearsal room to your vehicle and drive yourself to the gig, you're not 'On Tour'.

If the name of the venue that your gigging at references any sort of food item [i.e. Wings/Pizza]...you're not 'On Tour'.

If you're close enough to the audience to hear someone yell 'Free Bird'...you're not 'On Tour'.

If a member of the wait staff presents a bill to you at the end of the night...you're not 'On Tour'.

If you drive yourself home reeking of cigarette smoke at the end of the night...you're not 'On Tour'.

If the 'venue' your gigging at is attached to a bowling alley [for my upstate NY friends]...you're not 'On Tour'.

If you repeat a song from earlier in the night, because someone got there late. And really wanted to hear it.... You are not on tour.

If the crowd is waiting for the band to stop, so they can hear the DJ, you're not on tour.

If you have to ask one of the servers to kill the house music so you can play, you're not on tour.

If your after show party is at Denny's or Louie's, you are not on tour!

If you have to slide four tables out of the way to set up your gear you aren't "On Tour".

If the venue you are playing reeks of Charlie, Aquanet, and cigarette smoke you aren't "On Tour".

If there's nowhere to plug-in because the bar won't let you unplug the beer signs... you're not "On tour".

If you have a "Tip Jar", you're not "on tour"...

If you have to ask "where to set-up"... you're not "On tour".

If your venue folds up and is put in a rental truck after the weekend...you're not on tour

If your venue folds up after only being open for a month "You aren't On Tour".

When your bar tab is more than you're $$$ for the gig, you're not "on tour"!

When your band name is written on a chalkboard above the menu you aren't "On Tour".

If you have to hang your poster on the bathroom door...you’re not on tour

If your lead singer has ever said "Last Call for Alcohol" you aren't "On Tour."

If your bar tab is free and part of you payment...you’re not on tour

If your band plays "Talk Dirty To Me", and you're not Poison... you're not "On Tour".

If you've ever said, "We're going to take a short break and be right back!" You're not on tour!

If you've been told to turn down...you’re not on tour

If the house lights go on before you finish your last song you aren't "On Tour".

If you have ever said "Testing one two" and heard a loud squeal chances are you aren't "On Tour".

If you have ever written a set list on a bar stool chances are you aren't "On Tour".

If there's a large projector screen behind you playing re-runs of a 1998 strong man competition, you aren't "on your"

If your band name is scribbled on a plastic Coca Cola banner with a Magic Marker chances are you aren't "On Tour".

If your lead singer is wearing a button up shirt that is stretched so tight you can see portions of his enormous gut between each button, you aren't "on tour".

If there are elderly couples dancing to your butchered version of “Smoke on the Water” chances are you aren't "On Tour".

If you have to call a buddy to fill in because the drummer is in Panama City on vacation, you aren't "on tour".

If anyone has ever purchased the band a round of shots after their twenty minute version of "Freebird" chances are you aren't "On Tour".

If you have day job, you are not "on tour"

If you HAD to break into "Play that that funky music" to get people dancing, you're not on tour!

If you care if people dance, you're not "on tour"

If you have ever played at the Moose Lodge chances are you have never or will never be "On Tour".

If your bass player is also your sound man, you're not on tour.

If you have "EVER" had to play "Cant'cha See" by Marshall Tucker you're not "On Tour'.

If you break a string and have to stop to replace it chances are you aren't "On Tour".

If you break into "Whippin Post" and the crowd goes wild chances are you aren't "On Tour".

If the audience you play to have a total 14 feet and three teeth you are probably playing the Porterdale Moose Lodge and you aren't "On Tour".

When the audience is just your relatives...you’re not on tour

If you have ever had to hide a pistol behind your speaker cabinet chances are you aren't "On Tour".

If you have ever awoke to a flashlight in your eyes and the words "Can I see your license and insurance please" you aren't "On Tour".

If your wife or your girlfriend is helping you pack up your s**t at the end of the night... you're not "On Tour".

If you take requests, you aren't "on tour"

If you are saving your best songs for the 4th set so people don't leave you aren't "on tour"

If you replay your 1st set during the fourth set.

If an overweight female patron starts dirty dancing with herself chances are you aren't "On Tour".

If you have ever played anywhere known as a "Bar and Grill" you're not "On Tour".

If you have ever played anywhere with the word "Saloon" written above the entrance you aren't "On Tour".

If you practice more than 3 nights a week you aren't on tour

If you practice three times a week because you can't quite nail the breakdown in the middle of "Tush" you aren't "On Tour".

If your homemade KISS sign (made out of wood and light bulbs) blows out the whole wall when plugged in and all the electricity is now gone, you're probably NOT on tour

If you can see video games such as "Ms. Pac Man or "Centipede" from the stage... you're not "On Tour".

the 'venue' your gigging at is attached to a bowling alley [for my upstate NY friends]...you're not 'On Tour'.
Sounds like Letchworth Pines!

 

[Paulabass]

If your Mom drives you to the gig, and says she'll pick you up after your set, and you say "But Mom...there's an afterparty at Billy's place."
You're not on tour.

 

[QORC]

playing a series of minor bars in various places within 100 miles of your home does not constitute a "tour" - more of a study of mediocrity and massive self-delusion in motion

 

[turf3]

Way back when, I played in a society band based in Dallas that got some nice out of town gigs. One time we got a gig in Shawnee, Okla., complete with a bus to and from, and a night in a motel. Pretty sweet. Afterwards we always referred to that one as the "Fabulous [band name] Nation Wide Tour".

Same band once found ourselves backing up "International Recording Star [name here]". You know the gal that wants to come up and sing "Summertime" or "My Funny Valentine" or "At Last" with your band? Well, "International Recording Star [name here]" was not as good as that chick. Afterwards we always joked that she once stepped up on stage to sing "Summertime" with a band in a bar in Toronto and her boyfriend had a cassette recorder. (This was long before cell phone recordings.) It will surprise no one that "International Recording Star [name here]" was the daughter of the guy who owned the venue.

Same band once found ourselves backing up "The Temptations". I noted the names of said "Temptations" and later determined that these "Temptations" were exactly like Great-Grandfather's axe, whose handle's been replaced four times and the head twice. Apparently your singing group can be "The Temptations" if someone in the group used to live in the same city as a guy who used to do yard work for one of the original singers.

 

[Paulabass]

If your 'green room' has a urinal in it.....