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You're not "ON TOUR" if............

Carrots?

  • Carrots.

    Votes: 11 16.7%
  • Carrots!

    Votes: 5 7.6%
  • CARROTS!!!!!

    Votes: 50 75.8%

  • Total voters
    66
If the band is playing in front of a big screen TV and there is a football, baseball, etc. game on during the entire show, you are not on tour.

If you are asked in the middle of your set to announce a car that needs to be moved, you are not on tour.

If you are asked to pull the winning 50/50 tickets during your break, you are not on tour.

I was in a band in the late 80s and we had T-Shirts made with the band name on the front and a map of Pennsylvania on the back with music notes indicating small towns we played with the caption. "Pennsylvania World Tour" since we joked that we played every little town within 2 hours of where we lived and never left the state.

were you in One Eyed Jack?!


Fender Rumble Club Member #213
 
Just last week, my band was playing for a festival and I was asked to pull the winning 50/50 ticket. I have done several of those over the last few months again.

Also, a woman with a little girl came up to our guitar player while he was singing and she screamed at him to announce that the little girl was lost and she did not want to wait until the song was over. In between versus, we kept playing softly and he announced that the girl was lost. Now, that was a first for me and definitely proves that we are not on tour.
 
If you or your singer gets a busted lip or broken tooth from their mic being bumped into their mouth because their mic stand was standing on the floor because the stage was too short, and it got bumped by somebody's ass dancing too close to the stage.
 
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Reactions: Matt Liebenau
Back in the late 80's when we booked our " National Tour" we based the tour on about 10 good gigs with contracts and filled in 7000 miles with gigs wherever we could get in. Many nights spent working hard for gas money for the truck. I must admit that I helped book the tour but ended up running a Music Hall in town instead. I was management not talent.
 
If you lug your own gear from your bedroom/rehearsal room to your vehicle and drive yourself to the gig, you're not 'On Tour'.

If the name of the venue that your gigging at references any sort of food item [i.e. Wings/Pizza]...you're not 'On Tour'.

If you're close enough to the audience to hear someone yell 'Free Bird'...you're not 'On Tour'.

If a member of the wait staff presents a bill to you at the end of the night...you're not 'On Tour'.

If you drive yourself home reeking of cigarette smoke at the end of the night...you're not 'On Tour'.

If the 'venue' your gigging at is attached to a bowling alley [for my upstate NY friends]...you're not 'On Tour'.

If you repeat a song from earlier in the night, because someone got there late. And really wanted to hear it.... You are not on tour.

If the crowd is waiting for the band to stop, so they can hear the DJ, you're not on tour.

If you have to ask one of the servers to kill the house music so you can play, you're not on tour.

If your after show party is at Denny's or Louie's, you are not on tour!

If you have to slide four tables out of the way to set up your gear you aren't "On Tour".

If the venue you are playing reeks of Charlie, Aquanet, and cigarette smoke you aren't "On Tour".

If there's nowhere to plug-in because the bar won't let you unplug the beer signs... you're not "On tour".

If you have a "Tip Jar", you're not "on tour"...

If you have to ask "where to set-up"... you're not "On tour".

If your venue folds up and is put in a rental truck after the weekend...you're not on tour

If your venue folds up after only being open for a month "You aren't On Tour".

When your bar tab is more than you're $$$ for the gig, you're not "on tour"!

When your band name is written on a chalkboard above the menu you aren't "On Tour".

If you have to hang your poster on the bathroom door...you’re not on tour

If your lead singer has ever said "Last Call for Alcohol" you aren't "On Tour."

If your bar tab is free and part of you payment...you’re not on tour

If your band plays "Talk Dirty To Me", and you're not Poison... you're not "On Tour".

If you've ever said, "We're going to take a short break and be right back!" You're not on tour!

If you've been told to turn down...you’re not on tour

If the house lights go on before you finish your last song you aren't "On Tour".

If you have ever said "Testing one two" and heard a loud squeal chances are you aren't "On Tour".

If you have ever written a set list on a bar stool chances are you aren't "On Tour".

If there's a large projector screen behind you playing re-runs of a 1998 strong man competition, you aren't "on your"

If your band name is scribbled on a plastic Coca Cola banner with a Magic Marker chances are you aren't "On Tour".

If your lead singer is wearing a button up shirt that is stretched so tight you can see portions of his enormous gut between each button, you aren't "on tour".

If there are elderly couples dancing to your butchered version of “Smoke on the Water” chances are you aren't "On Tour".

If you have to call a buddy to fill in because the drummer is in Panama City on vacation, you aren't "on tour".

If anyone has ever purchased the band a round of shots after their twenty minute version of "Freebird" chances are you aren't "On Tour".

If you have day job, you are not "on tour"

If you HAD to break into "Play that that funky music" to get people dancing, you're not on tour!

If you care if people dance, you're not "on tour"

If you have ever played at the Moose Lodge chances are you have never or will never be "On Tour".

If your bass player is also your sound man, you're not on tour.

If you have "EVER" had to play "Cant'cha See" by Marshall Tucker you're not "On Tour'.

If you break a string and have to stop to replace it chances are you aren't "On Tour".

If you break into "Whippin Post" and the crowd goes wild chances are you aren't "On Tour".

If the audience you play to have a total 14 feet and three teeth you are probably playing the Porterdale Moose Lodge and you aren't "On Tour".

When the audience is just your relatives...you’re not on tour

If you have ever had to hide a pistol behind your speaker cabinet chances are you aren't "On Tour".

If you have ever awoke to a flashlight in your eyes and the words "Can I see your license and insurance please" you aren't "On Tour".

If your wife or your girlfriend is helping you pack up your s**t at the end of the night... you're not "On Tour".

If you take requests, you aren't "on tour"

If you are saving your best songs for the 4th set so people don't leave you aren't "on tour"

If you replay your 1st set during the fourth set.

If an overweight female patron starts dirty dancing with herself chances are you aren't "On Tour".

If you have ever played anywhere known as a "Bar and Grill" you're not "On Tour".

If you have ever played anywhere with the word "Saloon" written above the entrance you aren't "On Tour".

If you practice more than 3 nights a week you aren't on tour

If you practice three times a week because you can't quite nail the breakdown in the middle of "Tush" you aren't "On Tour".

If your homemade KISS sign (made out of wood and light bulbs) blows out the whole wall when plugged in and all the electricity is now gone, you're probably NOT on tour

If you can see video games such as "Ms. Pac Man or "Centipede" from the stage... you're not "On Tour".


Let's see. I have had many of these following things happen to me and quite a number of them just last Saturday. My tour was a a 35 mile drive each way from my house at a Fraternal Order of Eagles Aerie.

If you lug your own gear from your bedroom/rehearsal room to your vehicle and drive yourself to the gig, you're not 'On Tour'.

If you drive yourself home reeking of cigarette smoke at the end of the night...you're not 'On Tour'.

If you have to ask one of the servers to kill the house music so you can play, you're not on tour.

If you have to slide four tables out of the way to set up your gear you aren't "On Tour".

If the venue you are playing reeks of Charlie, Aquanet, and cigarette smoke you aren't "On Tour".

When your band name is written on a chalkboard above the menu you aren't "On Tour".
Our band name was on a white board without a menu.

If you've ever said, "We're going to take a short break and be right back!" You're not on tour!

If you've been told to turn down...you’re not on tour

If there are elderly couples dancing to your butchered version of “Smoke on the Water” chances are you aren't "On Tour".
Our version was not butchered.

If you have day job, you are not "on tour"

If you care if people dance, you're not "on tour"

If you have ever played at the Moose Lodge chances are you have never or will never be "On Tour".
Our gig was at a Fraternal Order of Eagles Aerie.

When the audience is just your relatives...you’re not on tour

If you take requests, you aren't "on tour"

If you can see video games such as "Ms. Pac Man or "Centipede" from the stage... you're not "On Tour".
No video games; but, there were electronic dart boards and a bowling machine.
 

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